There are seasons where most stepparents feel that they do most of the giving and get very little in return. Stepparenting is hard. A relationship plagued by love conflicts and a child’s lower motivation toward love and bonding are usually at the roots of this. For these seven days, learn to get past these stepparenting challenges and get on the road to building love together.
Moody Publishers
Day 1
Scripture: 1 John 3:11
“I had been single for ten years before Cynthia came into our lives,” Jeremy said. “Through her teen years my daughter, Chloe, had been the only woman in our home. If we bought towels or something, she picked the color because she was the woman of the house. When Cynthia came into the picture, she had her own opinions of decorating the home, what foods we should eat, and lots of other things. As you can imagine Chloe felt displaced. They really butted heads.” Cynthia chimed in. “It has been really hard for me to show her love when she is distant all of the time, even now as an adult. Through the years she would get close to me a little, but then feel disloyal to her mother and move far away. That hot and cold response from her has made it hard to keep showing her love. So at this point, I try to show her love by loving her daughter, my granddaughter.”
Cynthia is leading with love and finding whatever avenue she can to express her love. It’s hard to move toward someone who continually moves away from you. But successful stepparents persistently lead with love. They are wise in how they do so, but they don’t give up.
In addition to leading with love, be sure to listen for love in the native language of each child. Cynthia and Jeremy’s five children may never say the word “I love you” to their stepparent, but they all communicated love in their own way. You might be missing your stepchild’s indirect expressions of love because you’re only listening with your ears. Learn to listen with your eyes (notice their acts of service), your watch (when they spend quality time with you), arms (physical touch), or your hands (gifts), but mostly with your hear. Learn to appreciate what they can say—no matter how they say it. Loyalty concerns and sadness for missing family members may dictate that they not express their appreciation or love directly (out loud). Be wise enough to decipher the indirect message and take it to heart.
Leading with love and listening for love helps you find and establish your place in the home. But you also have to define your role and establish yourself as a trustworthy parent-figure.
Day 2
Scriptures: Genesis 2:15-24, Matthew 19:4-6
Partnering is about strengthening your coupleness so you can love and lead your children well together. You need to partner in two ways.
First, you need a strong marriage. A solid, reliable relationship is what fuels both partners’ ability to do the work of parenting and in the case of the stepparent, empowers them to be part of the authority team. Parenting is hard work; it takes a lot out of us. What spurs us to invest so much of ourselves in our children is, for many, a relationship with the Divine (who continuously pours love into our hearts), and a healthy marriage.
Secondly, you must partner around your roles in parenting and play to each other’s strengths. Biological parents have a clearly defined role and relationship with their children. On day one, stepparents have neither. They are substitute parents. And without the biological parent’s support and backing, they may be unable to parent children well. Which brings us to the subject of child behavior management.
People sometimes confuse discipline and punishment. Discipline is about training a child. It’s about building their character and teaching them the ethics of life. Punishment is about correction and consequence. It is a negative form of discipline. Stepparents can on day one in the family slow-cooker offer discipline to a child, but should punish sparingly until a clear bond and trust is established.
When biological parents take the lead on handing down punishment to a child, they are playing to their strength and partnering with the stepparent by not putting them in a tough situation. When they communicate to their children that the stepparent “is in charge while I’m gone,” they are giving the sub a chance to be successful. And when they gently insist that their teenager act respectful, they are giving the substitute parent a chance to be viewed as an authority in the home.
Over time, stepparents can clarify their relationship with stepchildren and gain tremendous influence and authority in their life. In most cases, as your relationship deepens with a child, so will your role in their life.
Day 3
Scriptures: 1 John 4:7-12, John 13:34-35
If you want to make anew friend you have to extend yourself in their direction—and you must do so in ways that make it more likely they will open themselves to you, and perhaps, pursue you back. Smart stepparents continually pursue the liking of their stepchildren. Be fun and warm. Smile at them. Spend time doing things they enjoy. If you aren’t approachable, don’t be surprised if they don’t want to hang out.
If your stepchildren are adults, keep in mind your initial goal is being friendly, not necessarily openly “loving.” If we gave you an assignment of making friends with a new neighbor, you probably wouldn’t introduce yourself and immediately give them a bear hug and kiss on the cheek. Make friendliness your initial goal. That will likely be more palatable for them.
No matter a child’s age, it could be that both of you are just now learning about the love languages. But it could also be that the biological parent knows their child’s love language and the stepparent is just now exploring this. The biological parent has much to share, but both of you should know the upheavals of the past may have created traumatic experiences for a child that have altered or even soured their love language.
Now here’s the catch for stepparents. Pursuing makes you vulnerable; it hands power over to a child, especially one who is closed toward you. The least invested person in any relationship always has the most power. This is another reason to partner with your spouse who can shut down any manipulation.
In addition, don’t let your pursuit turn you into a pushover. You can still say “No” and risk disappointing the child; in fact if you don’t they may never respect you. Rather, walk the line of deepening your friendship and trust in one another while remaining the adult in charge.
As if all this weren’t complicated enough, you need to consider your biological child’s feelings as you reach out to your step-kid. One stepdad asked, “How do you balance giving gifts to a stepchild in front of your own child, whose love language isn’t Gifts, but still sees the other child receive something from me?” The answer is to continue loving each child as best he can. Not everything has to be equal but it should be fairly equitable.
Day 4
Scripture: 1 John 3:16-18
A child’s “pace” should inform a stepparent’s pursuit of their heart. Gauge a child’s level of openness to you and match it.
Normally, we caution you to not be pushy with your love toward your stepchild, nor demanding love from them. But the principle of pace trumps all of that. If a child has thrown herself wide open to you, disregard the general precautions and go for it! However, matching their level of openness also means backing off if they are closed or uncertain of how to receive you. Sometimes it’s not personal at all; their visitation schedule or life situation can determine how much time you are together. You have to make the most of what they give you and the opportunities you have and trust that time will multiply the impact.
Day 5
Scripture: Colossians 3:12-14
Blended family complexity means patience is a must. “My stepson and I can find a good rhythm together in giving and receiving love —until he goes to his mom’s house for a few days. After that, he’s different with me for a while and we have to re-group.” This is a common experience for stepparents. Patience in that season is a must.
You can also be patient with yourself. “In the beginning I felt so overwhelmed. I had to step back and take a breather every once in a while, and when I felt like I could give again without feeling resentful that my stepkids weren’t speaking my love language.” This form of self-care is wise, but be sure to explain to your spouse what you’re doing so they don’t resent you pulling back a little.
Ironically, eagerness trips up many well-intentioned stepparents. It sets you up to give without limits and expect it to be appreciated. Many “wicked stepmothers” are really just overly eager caregivers who are trying to make everything right for a child who has been through many painful experiences. Repairing the child’s life and being desperate for the child’s love and acceptance make many stepmoms appear to be overbearing and emotionally fragile.
Day 6
Scripture: Proverbs 19:22
The ups and downs of stepparenting can be discouraging. And for many, the temptation is to emotionally withdraw to sulk or punish, to get angry, to retreat into your own children, or to just give up. Well, we’d rather you be stubborn. Stubbornly persistent, that is, in gently pursuing the child.
Sometimes the door is open to you, but you have to persist for a very different reason. In total, John and Kerri had three kids in their blended family. His youngest is a Physical Touch child. Her son and his older daughter both respond best to Quality Time. The problem is, John’s kids spend most of their time at their mother’s house where they receive very little Touch or Time from their mom or stepdad. “At their house, kids are expected to occupy themselves and if they ask for some attention, in effect, they are told to ‘go away,’” John lamented. “If anything, they are told what they are doing wrong and that’s about it. We sort of have to make up for that with extra cuddle time and conversation when they come to our house on Friday nights. We have to make the most of our time with them.”
Kerri’s stepchildren were hesitant to receive love from her when they weren’t getting it from their biological mom. But Kerri doesn’t mind persisting for their sake. “When you love your kids well, it makes it easier for them to carry that love with them to the other home. We can’t make their mom love them better, but we can fill them up before we send them over there.”
“And here’s the biggest surprise,” said John. “We’ve even noticed this has changed my ex-wife’s attitude toward co-parenting with us. We used to have a toxic relationship with her, but we made a decision that regardless of what came at us we were going to love her however we could. The easiest way to do that is to love my kids well so when they leave here their cup is full. She feels our respect and kindness through the kids and it’s making a difference in how she responds to us. She called me recently—usually she is angry about something—but she didn’t complain about anything or criticize us; she just wanted to coordinate our calendars. I couldn’t believe how considerate she was.”
Did you catch that? No matter their age, loving your kids well fills their cup and helps them cope with life in the other home—and might just help change the attitude of your co-parent toward you.
Day 7
Scripture: Philippians 4:6-7
There’s one more “P” you might consider. Prayer. As parent and stepparent you need to constantly bather the process of presenting in prayer. The principles we’ve given you provide a basic road map, but you need God’s wisdom to know when to zig or zag, when to keep going, and when to back up and start again. Prayer will keep you humble and listening. Praying together will keep your hearts connected and unified.
If after reading this study you realize mistakes have been made, regroup as a couple. Talk about what you’ve learned and decide how to proceed. Apologies may need to be made. You may need to recalibrate your roles, expectations, and efforts going forward. You may need to strive to heal specific relationships—maybe even the entire family. Prayerfully develop you plan together and be patient with yourselves as you step into the future.
Something to consider: How are you doing with the five principles of healthy stepparenting? What are strengths right now and which need improvement?