From Sorrow to Joy. How to Overcome Shame From Rejection.

Scriptures: Isaiah 54:4, Psalms 46:10, Psalms 147:3, Proverbs 14:13, Psalms 74:21, Isaiah 41:10

Shame, a universal struggle, can result from our actions or the actions of others. It can consume us, leaving us in a state of despair. But God’s word to us is “fear not”. 

Within all our lives are the elements for the perfect storm of shame. Suppose you have lived through difficult circumstances such as divorce, absent parents, financial strain, miscarriage, domestic violence, or sexual assault, to name a few. In that case, you understand just how difficult it is to overcome the emotion of shame. Shame is an emotion, but it can also become your identity, as the inner turmoil forces you to think, feel, and believe that you somehow deserve the difficulty because of your failure. Instead of living in the light of God’s truth, some hide and allow the feelings of worthlessness to thrive in the darkness of their mind and hearts. What they have lived through defines them instead of the grace of seeing God’s purpose through the trial.

For many years, I lived with this intense sorrow of shame. At first, I couldn’t pinpoint this grief that ebbed and flowed into my life in different seasons that often led me to feel low, but more so than that, I wanted to hide from the world. For as long as I can remember, I believed I was just sad. Sad because I didn’t have a relationship with my father. I was despondent because God allowed my daughter to pass in the night to SIDS. I was disappointed because the marriage I wanted so desperately to work and didn’t. But this sorrow pierced the pit of my soul, and no matter how many times I’d let go and accept God’s sovereignty, there was this recurring gnawing of sorrow. 

It wasn’t until my fortieth birthday, while on a beautiful ship amid the Caribbean, that this sorrow washed over me again. This time, I let out a belting cry, “Lord, please help, please show me why I am so sad. I am happy, I am thankful for all that you’ve done, and I don’t take this life or even my very breath for granted, but I can’t seem to shake this sadness.” I went to the bathroom, wiped my makeup off, and cried. 

That night, I dreamed, and in the dream, I was asking my mom, “But did he love me?” I was referring to my natural father, who passed away before I could build a relationship with him. The following day, as I journaled, I knew that God was revealing to me that I was living with and in shame, and the root was rejection. Although I had professed “I am God’s beloved” through worship songs and was accepted in His family, I had not fully allowed this love and acceptance to fill every void. 

This verse could be said, “Even in laughter the heart is sorrowful; And the end of that mirth is heaviness.” Proverbs 14:13 KJV. You see, although I experienced highs of laughter and true joy, it couldn’t be sustained because I hadn’t entirely surrendered every ache to God in exchange for contentment and thankfulness for everything God allowed and prevented from happening within my life. 

In Isaiah 54, we see the allegory of what God promised to do with the forsaken and refused heart and life of a woman (Israel) who was subject to shame in her youth due to rejection. This chapter begins with a declaration of preparation for the blessings that will come through their desolation and barrenness. For a season, God allowed them to experience the sting of feeling forsaken, but God had mercy and hope in store for them. The same is true for you; God wants you to look to him in every season of life, especially when you are contrite in your heart because of your circumstances. No matter how desperate you feel, God may be working on something far more significant in you, but you must trust Him. 

We will read this text over the next few days and practically parallel its principles. We will look at personal scenarios that pointed to God, revealing that I was living with shame and why this rejection is often more of an internal battle. God is not only our refuge and strength, but HE has become our greatest redeemer, repurchasing us from the consequences and emotional turmoil of our mistakes and the pain caused to us because of others’ decisions. 

Be encouraged.

Scriptures: Isaiah 54:4-5, 1 Samuel 1:9-20, Psalms 27:10, 1 Timothy 6:12, John 15:11, Psalms 126:5

Throughout history, barrenness and widowhood were some of the most abashed states one would journey through. Lineage was necessary, and when a woman couldn’t bear children, this weight of shame hovered over her life. We see this in 1 Samuel with Hannah. Shame carries unanswered questions about why God allowed this and how I could explain this if someone asked. Most people find themselves lamenting in prayer for years, pleading with God to turn their situation around, and refusing to enjoy their present, in the hope of a specific outcome in the future. So, they live with this despairing nudge of “If this is my lot, how will I continue to face reality while it feels like the pressure is on me?” 

Have you ever felt this ache of shamefacedness where you feel you are a letdown to yourself, your children, your family, your career, or that life is letting you down? If so, you are not alone. The internal tug of humiliation is sometimes rooted in rejection. 

Rejection is when you are pushed away or to the side by someone you so desperately want to be accepted and loved by. In this scriptural case, the barren woman wanted to be accepted by her husband and society by providing a child. I wanted to be accepted by my father, ex-husband, and people so that those around me would see value in me since I didn’t believe I had any because of my life circumstances. You may want the acceptance and validation of someone and something, but what do you do when you are refused? 

In Isaiah 54, God uses the example of a wife forsaken/refused in her youth. This is an instance of a woman who married while young and believed she was doing the right thing for the right reason, yet and still, she (Israel) was refused. Her husband essentially stated that she wasn’t enough through abandonment. It’s not just words that fuel shame and rejection, but actions. The Lord Himself stepped into her story and declared, ‘Fear not; for thou shalt not be ashamed: neither be thou confounded; for thou shalt not be put to shame: for thou shalt forget the shame of thy youth, and shalt not remember the reproach of thy widowhood any more. For thy Maker is thine husband; the LORD of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called.” The Lord would be to her (Israel) all she desired from her husband and more. He would remove the fear and shame and become Her (Israel’s) perfect husband. God does the same for us. 

When someone experiences deep betrayal through adultery, or when your best friend turns her back on you, insulting you with words that pierce you to your core. Or, when you’ve done everything to raise your children right and in alignment with the Word of God, and they still choose the world’s way, or when you work hard for the raise or promotion, and it is given to someone else, who you feel is less deserving. What do you do with pain from it all? 

Who can heal a heart that has been abandoned in their youth? Who can take up a heart and stand and say, I’ll be your husband? Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, can. God Himself will step in and fill the void in your heart. Even if you were refused in old age, God sees and knows, and He always has a plan for even the darkest seasons of our lives. 

You’ve got to fight the good fight of faith, holding on even when the shameful voices in your mind are louder than God’s truth. 

If you are journeying through a challenging season, you are not alone; your God is your husbandman and Father. 

Be encouraged.

Scriptures: Isaiah 54:4-6, Isaiah 61:7, Romans 8:28, James 1:8, Genesis 50:20, Philippians 4:6-9, Proverbs 29:25

Bearing the weight of what we perceive as a failure lays a burden of perfectionism and fear over us. Fear leads to attempting to manipulate circumstances and takes us down the dangerous trajectory of control. 

Fear is also a root cause of shame, as it’s this unending wonder of being found out. What if there were some things I could have done differently to change the outcome? Why didn’t I see this betrayal going on behind my back for so long? I thought I knew this person. Essentially, fear robs you of your joy. When you are betrayed or abandoned, you internalize the shame of it all by overly critiquing your thoughts and decisions in hopes of not making a mistake. You do to yourself what you believe you could have done to the person who hurt you to prevent the hurt. You think through every scenario because you can’t stomach the thought of walking through the darkness of not knowing or getting crushed by unexpected news. This is a form of fear-driven perfectionism that sometimes is wrapped in Christian jargon, such as “I am making sure that all that I do is in God’s will.” This sounds moral and scriptural, but when perfectionism, fueled by fear of failure, incites these words, the truth is that you are fearful and hoarding guilt, shame, what-ifs, and regret from past experiences. This is a restless state of being. 

I remember going through years of deep anxiety and second-guessing myself. I’d think through every possible scenario before deciding. Most times, the fearful thoughts won. I had disconnected myself from trusting in the reasonable judgment God had given through His word, and instead, I’d rely on the instinct of fear that was fueling my suspicions. I couldn’t trust or accept anything good that occurred in my life, nor could I let go of fully and release the wrong relationships and circumstances that were intertwined with certain aspects of my life. Everything felt shaky and unsure. I didn’t trust people; I didn’t trust myself, and I was striving every day to trust God. I lived double-minded; “A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.” James 1:8 KJV 

One day, I fell to my knees, exhausted from overthinking, weary from living in passiveness, and deeply disappointed at all I was living through. I prayed, “Lord, please help me; I surrender to your plan.” I am tired of the mental gymnastics of thinking through every dark way this decision can lead to, and I am also worn out of trying to control the outcome. I said, “Lord, I don’t know how to live in your peace or accept that I am not perfect and that my decisions aren’t solely the reasons for this shame.” As I cried, it was as if the Holy Spirit illuminated this truth in my heart that I was bearing the weight of someone else’s choices. Instead of trusting God to heal my sin and purify me, I also held on to the sins done to me; in many ways, the humiliation wasn’t my own but those who hurt me. 

Then, I began to think that the season of depression that I navigated wasn’t merely from my choices, but it was the decisions of others that affected me the most. The reason I was crying out with the question, “But did my father love me,” was because, for all of my forty years, I wondered if he did. It was a subconscious thought that I had buried, but I was searching and hoping for a response of, yes, he did. I will never know that answer because he passed away when I was 15, but one thing I am sure of: God loves me, and God loves you. Sometimes, shame prevails because we focus more on human love than God’s supernatural eternal love. 

As I prayed and read through God’s word, I began to cling to the “Fear not.” I didn’t need to fear because God had promised I would not be put to shame, neither would I be confounded because He would make me forget the shame and abandonment from my youth, and I would not remember the reproach of being abandoned because of grief and divorce. In light of this revelation, I have made peace with my past experiences and entrusted all that I am and the experiences that shaped my perception into the hands of God. The Lord Himself has redeemed my past, renewed my mind, and restored hope to a once shame-filled heart. God can do the same for you too! 

Over the last few days, I’ve shared my personal journey to freedom. This isn’t to put the focus of Isaiah 54 on me but to testify how God’s truth revived my heart through the power of His Word. When sorrow fills your heart, you don’t have to stay stuck in the depths of the pain. Instead, you can fall to your knees in prayer, surrender, and trust. The Lord will gather you with His promise of mercy. 

God is your Redeemer. You may be grieved in spirit, forsook, and feel desolate this season, but be of good cheer. Life won’t always be this hard. The answered questions shouldn’t be the focal point, nor continuously replaying the events that happened to you. Instead, pray and ask the Lord to heal your heart and restore your faith in Him. 

Shame from broken relationships comes in differing ways, not only in marriages and divorce but also in wounds that keep families from nurturing healthy relationships, fractured friendships, infertility, miscarriage, infant loss, and many other circumstances. God is a ‘restorer’, and He always has a plan in a plan. God can and will turn your sorrow into joy when you trust the weaving of your circumstance into His perfect purpose. 

How do you overcome shame from rejection and find joy in Christ? Here are a few practical tips to help you heal. 

1. Pray through the disappointment—you’ve got to name it and call it out for what it was and what it did to you at that moment (how it made you feel and what lie you believed). We are going after the lies. Then, you replace it with the truth of God’s word. 

2. Surrender the pain, questions, and disappointment to God in prayer. God hears our prayers and will answer through Godly counsel, His word, and prayers. 

3. Follow peace—as much as it lies within you, pursue peace with all your heart. It will look different in every situation, but peace must begin with making peace with your past and relying on God’s peace, which is contingent on the joy found in Christ’s plans for your future. 

My dear sister or brother, You could not have known things would turn this way, so let it go. Don’t keep hiding behind the shame of rejection or trying to control outcomes through perfectionism. Things happened, people changed, and circumstances don’t always go the way we planned, BUT GOD STILL HAS A PLAN. 

Be encouraged.