Before You Forgive

Scriptures: Ephesians 4:32, Matthew 6:14-15

Few things create anger and betrayal, like being lied to for an extended period.

Have you been lied to or wounded by someone you trusted? Did you feel betrayed while everything within you wanted to get even? Maybe you wanted to hurt that person the way they hurt you. That was my response to my bosses’ use and manipulation at my first full-time job. 

In the weeks following my departure from that job, I discovered that my decisions and treatment of people were based on lies. 

One day, a few months after I left, my friend and I sat down for our weekly coffee session. Every Thursday, we would pray and study the Bible together. My buddy had complete permission to speak the truth in my life. 

We were sitting down for coffee when he said, “Scott, I’ve got to talk to you about something. You are so angry and bitter that you’ve become toxic. You can’t see it, but it’s affecting people around you too. You’re mad at a couple of people but taking it out on people who don’t even know them. I’ll be honest: being your friend this season is tough. You’ve got to deal with the pain and learn how to let go.” 

Can you relate? Being wounded and struggling to forgive is a universal human experience. When people we thought we could trust hurt us, it’s normal to want revenge. In her book Traveling Mercies, Anne Lamott has a famous quote where she wrote that “refusing to forgive is like drinking rat poison and expecting the rat to die.”

The other person doesn’t get hurt when you don’t deal with your life’s wounds. However, you get hurt and remain stuck.

More than any other topic I’ve studied as a pastor, I have found a large amount of unhelpful and unbiblical teaching about forgiveness. When I talk with people about forgiveness in a smaller setting, they often tell me why they can’t forgive. I usually respond, “I wouldn’t forgive if that’s what forgiveness meant, either.” Once I walk them through what the Bible says about forgiveness, they discover they’ve rejected a false understanding of forgiveness. 

When we embrace myths about forgiveness, we never get to experience the real thing. This plan’s big idea is straightforward: our ability to give forgiveness is directly related to the forgiveness we’ve received.

When Jesus taught about forgiveness, and the Apostle Paul shared Jesus’ approach to forgiveness, they connected receiving forgiveness with giving forgiveness. You may have started this plan because you are struggling to extend someone’s forgiveness. Nevertheless, before you can offer forgiveness, you must receive it from God.

I’m so glad you’re here. I know you may have some very real pain. Starting a forgiveness plan may have been a big step for you. I’m proud of you for seeking God’s help with your pain. Over the next four days, we’ll explore what forgiveness is and isn’t. There is real freedom in your future, especially when it comes to the pain you’re carrying. 

On the next day of the plan, we’ll examine the definition of forgiveness and the decisive moment when Jesus forgave someone who betrayed Him.

Scriptures: Luke 23:34, Luke 22:60-62, John 21:15-19

Before we proceed, it would be helpful to ensure we’re on the same page about forgiveness. My best attempt to define forgiveness is giving up my pursuit of revenge and trusting God to bring justice.

You’ll notice a few things that aren’t present in that definition. 

Forgiveness is not reconciliation. Forgiveness is not forgetting something that happened, another myth people often believe. Forgiveness is not pretending you weren’t hurt. 

Forgiveness is saying, “I’m no longer going to try to get you back for what you did to me. I’m going to stop being judge, jury, and executioner. I’m going to trust God to bring justice.” 

I love how Jesus practiced forgiveness toward His enemies and friends. 

In Luke 23, while hanging on the cross, He says, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” Jesus forgave the very people who carried out His execution. That’s expert-level forgiveness! 

Jesus also forgave His friends. Remember how all His apostles abandoned Him in the Garden of Gethsemane when He was arrested? During His trial, the Apostle Peter denied even knowing Jesus three times. In Luke 22, we read that Jesus looked directly at Peter as Peter declared that he wanted nothing to do with Him. 

After the resurrection, the disciples went fishing, which was their job before they became followers of Jesus. Jesus called them from the seashore, leading them to a great fish catch. Peter discovered that it was Jesus and ran to him. 

After the disciples pulled the fish to the shore, Jesus shared a meal with His disciples. He pulled Peter aside to have a conversation with him. The last time they had a private moment together, Peter had not been the kind of friend he needed to be to Jesus. 

I want you to imagine you’re having a similar conversation with Jesus. Ever feel like you’ve disappointed Jesus? Wondered if He feels betrayed by you? Passed on an opportunity to do the right thing because it was inconvenient for you? Then you know how Peter felt when he and Jesus strolled along the water. 

But the walk wasn’t one of shame and condemnation. Along the side of the lake, Jesus asked Peter if he loved Him three times, mirroring the three times Peter denied knowing Jesus. Just as He forgave those who nailed Him to the cross, Jesus forgave one of His closest disciples. 

We can forgive others who have hurt us because Jesus forgave us. We all have a person who has hurt us, and we have fallen short of God’s standards. Our ability to forgive others is based on the forgiveness we’ve received. 

I’m reinforcing this plan’s big idea because many struggle with forgiveness. After all, we try to forgive in our power and strength. Perhaps you know forgiveness honors God, but you keep working to find the strength. If you were going to forgive that person in your power, wouldn’t you have already done so by now? 

What if the source to forgive others comes from the forgiveness you received? Then, we would need to face our own need to be forgiven. That’s where we’ll begin on the next day of this plan.

Scriptures: Matthew 26:31-35, Matthew 26:73-75, Romans 5:8

If you want to develop the capacity to forgive others, there are three places you can start. Over the next three days of this plan, we’ll examine one each day. 

First, you must face your sin and brokenness. I want you to say three words: “I’m not perfect.” 

The Apostle Peter had a blind spot. He thought that he was incapable of betraying Jesus. We often have similar blind spots. We think we’re incapable of terribly sinful moments. 

But Jesus never shies away from our brokenness and sin. In Matthew 26, He told His disciples they would all fall away because of Him—He literally predicted it. 

Peter responded that even if everyone else fell away, he would never fall away. Jesus famously told him, “I tell you this very night before the rooster crows, you will deny me three times.” 

Just a few hours later, Peter did exactly what Jesus said he would. Humans are capable of incredible self-deception. We think, “There’s no way I could ever do something that bad.” Then we go and do something awful. We tell ourselves, “I’m not that kind of person.” Then, we’re shocked to learn we are sinful, broken, and capable of terrible decisions. 

I often read stories about other pastors fired for sexual misconduct, toxic leadership, or addiction issues. In my 20s, I sat with a much older pastor I admired and respected. He told a group of younger pastors like me that we are all one dumb decision away from ruining what we’ve spent years building. 

He also told us about his “scary folder.” For several decades, he put every story about pastors who had affairs, stole money, or abused their power. He shared that he read through that folder two or three times a year to “scare” himself and remember that “I am no better than those men.” 

We’re all capable of deceiving ourselves and thinking we’re better than those who hurt and wounded us – when we aren’t!

Jesus hung on the cross for their sins and ours, too. We are far from perfect. When I think about my imperfection, I think of the two things Timothy Keller said about the Gospel. 

First, he said, “The gospel is this: We are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe.” We call the gospel good news, but before it’s good news, it’s terrible news. It’s bad news because this is why Jesus had to come. He didn’t have to come because we had some ideas wrong, and He needed to correct our thinking. No, He came because we are more broken and sinful than we can comprehend. When you deceive yourself into thinking that you no longer struggle with sin and you’re no longer broken, you become the kind of person someone else has to forgive. 

The good news is proclaimed in the next part of Tim Keller’s famous quote. Keller doesn’t stop at how broken we are but continues toward hope: “At the very same time, we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope.”

What Jesus offers us is real forgiveness for our actual sins. We will never be able to forgive someone else if we think we don’t need forgiveness ourselves. That’s why the first step in this process is to face our sin and brokenness. If we don’t do this, we cannot forgive somebody else. 

On the following day of this plan, we will examine what it means to truly accept Jesus’ forgiveness.

Scriptures: John 21:15-17, Psalms 103:10-13, Romans 8:1

The first step in forgiving is facing your sin and brokenness. The second step is seeking and accepting God’s forgiveness.

Peter experienced the Father’s mercy when he walked with Jesus. He jumped out of the boat with all his clothes on and swam towards Jesus. Peter pursued Jesus, even though he knew that he’d blown it. He sensed that Jesus loved him, but Peter was likely nervous as they began walking. 

Have you ever wondered why Jesus repeated Himself three times? “Do you love me? Do you love me? Do you love me?” Perhaps Jesus repeated Himself because Peter had denied Him three times. Maybe Jesus wanted Peter to know that He forgave each of those denials. 

Remember Keller’s summary of what the Gospel announces earlier in this plan? “The gospel is this: We are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time, we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope.”

The Gospel gives you hope because you know where you stand without it. Even on our worst days, we are loved and known. You must receive forgiveness from God to be able to give it. Otherwise, you’re just giving it out of your strength. 

Have you been hurt and wounded so deeply that you don’t have the strength in and of yourself to forgive somebody for that? You need forgiveness that’s bigger than you! You need the forgiveness that can only come from God. Forgiveness is not something you can do on your own. Because if it were, you would have done it by now!

Have you been struggling with forgiveness for a long time and wondered, “What’s wrong with me?” There’s nothing wrong with you. You weren’t meant to be the source of this forgiveness; it has to come from God.

Remember the definition of forgiveness I shared earlier in the plan. “Forgiveness is letting go of my pursuit of revenge and trusting God to bring justice.”

In the same way that our ability to forgive is connected to the forgiveness we’ve received, our inability to receive forgiveness will result in our inability to forgive. If we cannot accept God’s forgiveness for ourselves, how can we believe that God will forgive someone who hurt us? We must believe He can forgive us before we can forgive others. 

Later in life, Peter would be beaten, arrested, imprisoned, and crucified upside down. How was he prepared to forgive those people? Because after he betrayed Jesus, he accepted Jesus’ forgiveness. 

Today, I encourage you to wrestle with this question throughout your day. “What if you began believing that what God says is truer than your feelings?”

In Psalm 103, we read about how God has separated our sin from us as far as the East is from the West. In Romans 8, Paul declares that there is no longer any condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. 

If you’re struggling to receive Jesus’ forgiveness, the challenge is to believe what He says. God really does love you, and you are free from shame today!

On the final day of the plan, we’ll tackle a topic that has caused many people I know to stumble. I want to help you overcome this obstacle!

Scriptures: Matthew 27:3-5, 1 John 1:9, Romans 8:1, Galatians 5:1

Peter wasn’t the only disciple who betrayed Jesus; Judas did, too. Yet their stories are very different. 

At the moment of Jesus’s greatest injustice, Peter hangs out in the glow of the fires and denies knowing Jesus three times. He later receives forgiveness for that betrayal during a lakeside chat with Jesus. 

Judas sells Jesus out for a small amount of money. Afterward, he feels so overwhelmed with guilt and shame that instead of seeking Jesus out and asking for forgiveness, he dies by suicide. 

I’ve wondered if Jesus would have forgiven Judas if he had asked for it before he died. 

I think the answer is yes. This question is not about suicide. It is about the grace of God. Forgiveness is not about the magnitude of sin. It is about the grace of God merited because of Christ’s death on the cross.

I believe Jesus longed to forgive Judas, but Judas didn’t give Him the chance to because he couldn’t forgive himself. 

Some of us could have a lakeside experience with Jesus as Peter did. But that conversation will never come if we keep beating ourselves up over something. 

The third step in this plan is learning to forgive yourself. Are you harder on yourself than Jesus is? Are you beating yourself up for things that Jesus has already forgiven? When we refuse to forgive ourselves, we’re essentially saying that we know better than Jesus about whether we deserve forgiveness. I don’t know about you, but I know nothing better than Jesus! 

If you struggle with forgiving yourself, I want you to remember two truths. 

First, failure is an event, not a person. Second, when followers of Jesus feel shame, that feeling is coming from Satan, not God. Shame is incompatible with the grace of God. If you are under the forgiveness and grace of Jesus, you are no longer under condemnation. When you feel a sense of conviction (“I did something wrong”), that feeling should wake you up. However, shame (“I am something wrong”) repeatedly beats you up. 

1 John 1:9 states that God is faithful in forgiving us when we confess our sins. 

Romans 8:1 clearly announces that Jesus has set us free from condemnation, and Galatians 5:1 states that Christ paid a great price to do so. 

If you hear the voice of condemnation and you’ve experienced Jesus’ grace and forgiveness, that is not the voice of Jesus. If you’ve never experienced Jesus’ love and grace, then Jesus is trying to use that sense of shame to help you realize your need for a savior. 

Our ability to give forgiveness is directly related to the forgiveness we’ve received. I encourage you to open your hands, close your eyes, and repeat these words. “Jesus – like Peter, I have betrayed You. I’ve failed You. But, like Peter, I believe You have forgiven me. Today, I confess my sin and receive Your forgiveness. Thank You for paying for my sins on the cross. I trust in what You did for me. Help my view of myself come into alignment with Scripture. Thank You for loving me and being patient with me.”