Forgiveness: A Surprising Way Forward

Scriptures: Romans 12:17-21, Psalms 94

Day 1: What is Forgiveness?

” ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord.” ~ Romans 12:19

Forgiveness is one of the most powerful tools of our counseling ministry. Some carry past hurts for years. Many have all but lost hope of finding real joy in this life. The practice of biblical forgiveness brings miraculous healing and freedom from past hurts. 

Unfortunately, the concept of forgiveness has become muddled and confused. We’ve adopted catchy phrases, like, “Forgive and forget,” or “Let go and let God.” Hidden within these sentiments there may be an element of truth, but it is lost on most of us. Am I supposed to forget something so hurtful? Does God expect me to let them get away with it? Won’t they just keep hurting people? Worse yet, most have no idea how to put forgiveness into practice. We may find ourselves trying to forgive the same offenses over and over. We declare the words, “I forgive,” yet are left wondering why anger and pain still preoccupy our thoughts. The result? Many sincere followers of Jesus, despite our best efforts, remain stuck in unforgiveness. 

We all experience hurt and betrayal. Our God-given sense of justice brings anger when the innocent suffer at the hands of a perpetrator. Seeing loved ones hurt is especially painful. Does God expect us to let offenders get away with harmful behavior? First-century churches regularly faced unfair discrimination and physical persecution. The Apostle Paul does not teach a vague credo like, “Let go and let God.” He does not suggest spiritually-induced amnesia, “Forgive and forget.” Paul gives a clear way forward. “Leave room for God’s wrath.” (Romans 12:19) 

Forgiveness is giving God responsibility to make things right. We want justice because we are created in God’s image. (Genesis 1:25) When we see or experience mistreatment, our Heavenly Father does not ask us to be OK with it. Instead, He promises to bring perfect justice to everyone in the situation. No one gets away with willfully wounding another soul. God is not asking you to turn a blind eye. He is asking you, “Am I trustworthy? Will you trust me to make it right?” 

Samuel records the story of Saul and David. Two men. Two Warriors. Two Kings. Two lives that both started with God’s blessing and unbounded potential but ended in starkly different circumstances. We will look closely at each man’s willingness or refusal to forgive and how their paths diverged. 

Looking Deeper

How do David’s lyrics in Psalm 94 match up with the definition of forgiveness discussed in this devotional? 

David faced attacks from enemies, allies, and even family. How might David’s prayer bring freedom from past offenses he suffered? 

Are there past hurts or offenses that occupy your thoughts? Do you feel responsible to “make them understand how they hurt you” or “make sure they never do that to anyone again?”

Scriptures:1 Samuel 18, Hebrews 12:14-15

Day 2: The Roots of Bitterness

“See to it … that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.” ~ Hebrews 12:15

We know forgiveness is the “right thing to do.” Most have good intentions. We do our best to forgive when we encounter unfair treatment. As counselors, we regularly meet with men and women who struggle in their relationships and spiritual walk. As we unpack each individual’s story, a hidden root of bitterness is often revealed. 

1 Samuel tells the story of David and Saul. Their relationship started amicably. 1 Samuel 16:21 tells us, “David came to Saul and entered his service. Saul liked him very much, and David became one of his armor-bearers.” David was Saul’s golden boy, the hero who killed the giant. In time he became Saul’s most effective special forces commander. God blessed everything David touched, his fame exploded, and everyone was happy—until the singing started. Saul listened as his people celebrated military victory in the streets, but David was getting ten times more credit. (1 Samuel 18:6-8) 

Saul felt slighted when the people gave higher honor to David, an obscure country boy. Saul was offended. It is normal to experience these painful emotions, but Saul’s choice to hang onto this root of bitterness ultimately defiled his life. No one was out to get Saul. Still, he could have chosen to forgive. Saul could have entrusted the entire situation to God and given him responsibility to set things right. This would have freed Saul to move forward with his own life. Instead, Saul chose resentment. “From that time on, he kept a close eye on David.” (1 Samuel 18:9) His resentment became a bitter root. 

Forgiveness is giving the offense to God and trusting Him to make things right. When we push aside or bury painful offenses, our intentions may be in the right place, but we are not forgiving. Instead, we bury a seed of unforgiveness. It may sit below the surface for days, months, or even years before it takes root. Eventually, we realize our relationships are suffering, our spiritual walk has stagnated, and our life has gone sideways. Even so, most are unaware unforgiveness is the root cause of this spiritual emptiness. 

In Saul’s case the bitter root sprang up quickly. Saul was bent on eliminating David by any means available. To say Saul’s life was “defiled” is an understatement. His entire life was overshadowed by an unholy obsession with carrying out his own perverted form of justice. 

Looking Deeper

How would life change if you were willing to give God responsibility to set things right in the area of …broken relationships? …immoral politics? …work/career relationships? …your marriage? …family dynamics?

Scriptures: 2 Corinthians 11:12-15, 1 Samuel 24

Day 3: False Forgiveness

“…Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light.” ~ 2 Corinthians 2:14

David is on the run. Though he maintains steadfast loyalty to Saul, the king is blinded by bitterness. He believes David is attempting to usurp his throne and end his dynasty. So, the king tasks his intelligence service with locating David. When Saul is briefed about a possible sighting, he leads an entire army into the wilderness to murder David. Saul is closing in on David. At this moment, nature calls, and Saul ducks into a cave to relieve himself. David and his men happen to be hiding back in a dark corner. Saul is exposed and helpless. Instead of killing King Saul, David covertly trims a small corner from the royal robe. 

When Saul rejoins his men, David calls out from the cave proclaiming his loyalty and innocence, “See, my father, look at this piece of your robe in my hand! … I have not wronged you, but you are hunting me down to take my life.” (1 Samuel 24:11) 

Saul is confronted by David’s undying loyalty and his own treachery. This is too much for Saul. He breaks down in tears and proclaims David’s innocence, “When a man finds his enemy, does he let him get away unharmed? May the Lord reward you well for the way you treated me today.” (vs. 19) 

So, Saul forgives David…or does he? I suspect Saul’s tears were genuine, and his intentions were noble. Sadly, Saul was deceived into practicing false forms of forgiveness. Remorse and self-condemnation are not forgiveness. Using logic to convince himself of David’s innocence was not forgiveness. Biblical forgiveness is trusting God to make things right and bring true justice. So, Saul leaves David unharmed, but takes his bitterness home with him. Only a few verses later, Saul resumes his vendetta against David. (1 Samuel 25:44) 

Satan knows the power of forgiveness. He hates us and wants us to remain stuck in unforgiveness. He pretends to be an angel of light, offering beautiful yet deceptive alternatives to true forgiveness. “You are not perfect either! Be remorseful. Confess your own sins and stop accusing others who hurt you! Forget your hurt and move on.” The Deceiver offers a skin of truth wrapped around toxic deceptions designed to keep us from practicing true and healing forgiveness. When we practice false forms of forgiveness, resentment keeps its hold over us. 

Looking Deeper

How have you tried to practice forgiveness in the past? If you think about these situations, do you still experience negative emotions? 

How do your past attempts to practice forgiveness align with “trusting God to make things right?” 

Is it possible to forgive someone who hurt you if you are not sure whether they are guilty of sin? Whose job is it to bring the appropriate justice to your offender?

Scriptures: Luke 6:37-38, Matthew 18:32-35, 1 Samuel 28:3-25

Day 4: Paying the Toll

” ‘Judge, and you will be judged. … For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.’ ” ~ Luke 6:37-38

Saul’s resentment toward David completely derailed his administration and his legacy. He reigned over a powerful and prosperous country for 40 years. We read nothing of policy changes to better the lives of his people. No improved regional security or economic growth. For 19 chapters, nothing is recorded of Saul’s exploits except acting out his bitter obsession against David. What a sad commentary on his life! It seems Saul is so obsessed by bitterness that his entire agenda revolves around a personal vendetta against David. 

In the final chapter of Saul’s life, he finds himself completely disconnected from God. Saul is so desperate for spiritual direction; he hires a medium to consult the dead on his behalf. In his final moments, Saul abandons his own troops on the battlefield by committing suicide. 

Unforgiveness carries a high price tag. This must be paid in full by all who hold on to resentment. Sleepless nights. Joyless days. Inner turmoil. Broken relationships. Feeling misunderstood and alone. These are the persistent companions of men and women who have not forgiven past hurts and offenses. Ironically, our unforgiveness has little or no impact on the perpetrator. Nelson Mandela said, “Bitterness is like drinking poison and hoping my enemy will die.” If you hold onto unforgiveness, you are the one required to pay the toll. 

Eventually, like Saul, we begin to wonder if God Himself has abandoned us. We pray, but God feels distant. We read our Bible, but the words fall flat and seem powerless to bring positive change. We ask God for help, but help remains out of reach. Though God patiently stands by ready to restore us, holding on to unforgiveness pushes Him away. God asks us to trust Him to be responsible to make things right. He is ready to take away the hurt or injustice we have suffered, but He never forces us to forgive. If you give God full responsibility for an offense and the pain it has caused, God will gladly lift the burden of resentment off your shoulders. He will bring real and perfect justice to everyone in the situation. He is trustworthy to care for you. His power and grace are sufficient to fully restore the peace and joy you desire. 

Looking Deeper

Do you know anyone who seems to carry bitterness? Do you enjoy being around this person? How would you describe this person’s relationships with their family or close friends? 

Do you often feel misunderstood? Are loved ones constantly letting you down? Do you feel disconnected from God? Is it possible you are holding on to hidden unforgiveness? 

Ask God to reveal any hidden unforgiveness in your heart. Wait for His answer. Would you be willing to give God responsibility to make this right and trust Him to bring His perfect justice to this situation?

Scriptures: Colossians 3:12-15, Ecclesiastes 3:16-17, 1 Samuel 24

Day 5: A Better Way

“May the Lord judge between you and me. And may the Lord avenge the wrongs you have done to me, but my hand will not touch you.” ~ I Samuel 24:12

Saul lived a life of affluence. He enjoyed palace life, servants, financial resources, and an army at his command. David’s life in exile was incredibly difficult. He was betrayed, banished, homeless, and under constant threat of death from friend and foe alike. If this were all you knew about these two men, which would you expect to have a more optimistic outlook? Who would you predict to have a greater, more positive impact on their world? 

By now, we all know that Saul’s bitterness destroyed every aspect of his life and legacy. What about David? What is his impact on the world around him? We learn that David takes in and supports social outcasts (1 Samuel 22:2), fights off renegade attacks on villagers (23:1-5), provides police security for farmers (25:7), sets policy that carries over into his rule (30:25), and builds a famously formidable fighting force. 

David has every reason to resent Saul. How is David able to set his pain aside and move forward? Let’s take a second look at 1 Samuel 24. When Saul makes his rest stop in the cave, David’s men see the opportunity of a lifetime. David could end the misery of banishment with a single stroke of his sword. His men rationalized revenge with spiritual-sounding logic, “This is the day the Lord spoke of when he said to you, ‘I will give your enemy into your hands for you to deal with as you wish.’” (1 Samuel 24:4) 

It’s the perfect ending to a Hollywood drama. David, our righteous hero, brings justice and puts down evil! David chooses a surprisingly different path. He forgives. He puts justice in God’s hands, trusting Him to set things right. “May the Lord judge between you and me. And may the Lord avenge the wrongs you have done to me, but my hand will not touch you.” (1 Samuel 24:12) 

Forgiveness doesn’t mean David must now trust Saul. David understands it is unsafe to return to Saul’s service. David wisely keeps his distance while trusting God to bring justice in His perfect timing. Forgiveness leaves David homeless and in exile for many more years. Still, which man leads a better life? Saul? Certainly not! Saul’s life is derailed by bitterness while David moves forward. Even in exile David knows peace and joy, living free of the burden of resentment. 

Looking Deeper

Do you know someone who does not hold resentment? How would you describe the quality of this person’s life? 

Is there anyone you refuse to “let off the hook” because of the awful things they have done? Is this helping you or hurting you? How is your resentment affecting them? 

If you give God responsibility for this situation, can He be trusted to make it right?

Scriptures: John 15:18-25, Romans 12:14-21

Day 6: Forgiveness and Reconciliation

“If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” ~ Romans 12:18

Did Jesus forgive everyone who hurt Him? Jesus enjoyed times of popularity, but He also had powerful enemies. Like David, Jesus lived much of His life on the run, avoiding those who wanted to harm Him (John 7:1). Hebrews 4:15 tells us Jesus lived a perfect and sinless life. Certainly, this included forgiving all who offended and attacked Him. (Matthew 6:12) But even Jesus, who loved every person, was unable to reconcile or live in harmony with all. (John 15:18) 

Forgiveness and reconciliation are completely different actions. Forgiveness is a transaction between God and me alone. Forgiveness is giving God responsibility for offenses. When I trust God to make things right, forgiveness has taken place. I may never speak to the offender again, but forgiveness has done its work and I am free. 

Reconciliation is the act of restoring a relationship with another person. While this is often desirable, it is not always possible. It is normal to hope for a restored, healthy relationship—especially with loved ones. Saul was David’s father-in-law. Certainly, David wanted to return to his wife and royal home in Jerusalem, but reconciliation was not a safe choice. Saul was still bent on killing David, leaving no path forward to restore their relationship. 

The scriptures never mandate reconciliation, yet clearly instruct us to forgive every offense. When we confuse forgiveness and reconciliation, we put ourselves at risk. Sometimes healthy boundaries are necessary to keep ourselves and others safe from a perpetrator. Perhaps you’ve heard it said, “It takes two to reconcile.” Whenever possible, as much as it depends on us, God wants us to reconcile and live at peace with all. (Romans 12:18) In many cases, the perpetrator is unwilling to repent or still intends to harm. When we meet with hurting individuals, we advise, “Forgive first. Then God will make it clear whether reconciliation is wise in your situation.” 

God wants you to live free. Forgiveness is a transaction between you and God. It does not depend on an apology from a perpetrator. It is not contingent on reconciliation or restored trust. God asks us to pray for healed relationships, but you can forgive even when restoration is not possible. When you give offenses over to God and trust Him to bring justice, He promises freedom from these burdens. 

Looking Deeper

Have you tried to forgive through confrontation? Have you told an offender, “I forgive you?” Did this bring you freedom or more pain? 

In your situation, how is forgiveness different from reconciliation? What are the risks of reconciliation? Is the person likely to hurt you or others again?

Scriptures: Matthew 11:28-30, Galatians 5:1

Day 7: Is Freedom Possible?

” Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.’ ” ~ Matthew 11:29

When Peter brought his wife, Janet, to meet with us, she was hurting. “It’s more difficult for me,” she said. “I sat by for two years while family falsely accused Peter. I could forgive if they hurt me, but it is so much harder to see my husband mistreated!” 

For some reason beyond my understanding, Jesus loves us and chose to die for our freedom. Whatever hurt you carry, it is far lighter than the burden Jesus bore on that cross. Your situation is not too heavy for God. If His power and authority are great enough to conquer all sin and death, He can lift your burdens and heal your hurts. 

God never offers a burden-free life. He offers a trade: He will take our burden and replace it with His. The difference? The burdens we shoulder are too heavy for us to carry and ruining our life. His burden is light. He gently offers—never demands—a too-good-to-be-true trade: our impossibly heavy load for His light burden. 

When we forgive, what does He offer to take from us? Unforgiveness. Bitterness. Resentment. Emotional distress. Lost relationships. Feeling abandoned by God. An oppressive load that is dragging us down. 

The burden He gives to us in trade? Trust. He asks us to trust Him to set things right in a way that is consistent with His character. Are you so angry you secretly wish God would bring His wrath down on a perpetrator? God will not sell you short. He will bring the justice that is deserved. Do you love the person who brought you so much pain? God loves them more than you do. He will carry out justice with grace and mercy. Will you trust Him to be responsible for your pain and hurt? 

Trust isn’t easy. For many, simple trust seems too naive or risky. Most of us will try every other emotional or spiritual strategy before taking the “trust” risk. Jesus offers a humble yet sincere promise, “You will find rest for your souls.” No words will convince you. You will only find Jesus’ claim true if you choose to make the trade. Janet chose to trust. She forgave her husband’s attackers and was amazed when God completely lifted the heavy burden from her shoulders. 

Forgive. God is always faithful. You will find rest for your soul. 

Looking Deeper

Want to learn more? Michael Snuffer, the author of this study, with Mark Henderson wrote Forgiveness: A Surprising Way Forward. Learn a step-by-step process to forgive some of life’s most difficult situations and find God’s freedom.