Forgiving What You Can’t Forget: A 5-Day Challenge

Forgiveness: The Double-Edged Word

VERSE: Ephesians 4:32 

Do you ever find yourself defining life by before and after the deep hurt?

The horrific season. The conversation that stunned you. The shocking day of discovery. The divorce. The wrongful death so unfathomable you still can’t believe they are gone. The breakup. The day your friend walked away. The hateful conversation. The remark that seems to now be branded on your soul. The day everything changed.

That marked moment in time. Life before. Life now. Is it even possible to move on from something like this? Is it even possible to create a life that’s beautiful again?

I deeply understand this kind of defining devastation in such a personal way.

When your heart has been shattered and reshaped into something that doesn’t quite feel normal inside your own chest yet, the word forgiveness feels a bit unrealistic to bring into the conversation.

But can I whisper something I’m learning?

Forgiveness is possible, but it won’t always feel possible.

It’s a double-edged word, isn’t it?

It’s hard to give. It’s amazing to get. But when we receive it so freely from the Lord and refuse to give it, something heavy starts to form in our souls.

It’s the weight of forgiveness that wasn’t allowed to pass through. And for me, that’s mainly because I’ve misunderstood something so incredibly profound about forgiveness.

Forgiveness isn’t something hard we have the option to do or not do. Forgiveness is something hard-won that we have the opportunity to participate in.

When I wrongly think forgiveness rises and falls based on all my efforts, conjured maturity, bossed-around resistance, and gentle feelings that feel real one moment and fake the next, I’ll never be able to authentically give the kind of forgiveness Jesus has given me.

My ability to forgive others is made possible when I lean into what Jesus has already done, which allows His grace for me to flow freely through me (Ephesians 4:7).

Forgiveness isn’t an act of my determination.

Forgiveness is only made possible by my cooperation.

Cooperation is what I’ve been missing. Cooperation with what Jesus has already done makes verses like Ephesians 4:32 possible. “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

Forgiving one another just as Christ forgave you. God knew we couldn’t do it on our own. So, He made a way not dependent on our strength. A forgiving way. A way to grab on to Jesus’ outstretched arms, bloody from crucifixion and dripping with redemption. He forgives what we could never be good enough to make right. And makes a way for us to simply cooperate with His work of forgiveness…for us to receive and for us to give.

That person or people—they’ve caused enough pain for you, for me, and for those around us. There’s been enough damage done. And you don’t have to be held hostage by the pain. You get to decide how you’ll move forward.

If you’re knee-deep in pain and resonate with the feelings of resistance I have felt too, let me assure you over these next few days: forgiveness is possible. And it is good.

RESPOND: 

What is your initial gut reaction to the word “forgiveness”? How does it encourage you to know that forgiveness is made possible by our cooperation instead of our determination? Spend some time journaling about this today. Invite God into your questions and your hesitations. 

When Unchangeable Feels Unforgivable

VERSES: Romans 12:19–21, 1 Peter 5:7, Ephesians 6:11–12

Unchangeable can feel unforgivable.

When someone takes something you will never get back. When the outcome seems so final you can’t get your bearings for how to go on. When they hurt you so deeply you fear you’ll never feel normal again.

With a grief that’s so consuming from all these painful situations, it’s completely maddening to think forgiveness should apply here. What would forgiveness even accomplish?

I understand this question. I’ve wrestled with it myself. And while I will be the first in line to raise my hand and admit forgiveness is a hard step to take, it’s also the only step that leads to anything good. Every other choice—including the choice to not do anything and remain where we are—just adds more hurt upon hurt. Here are a few truths I’ve been learning to hang on to in my heart when I’m struggling to step toward forgiveness.

1. Forgiveness is more satisfying than revenge. (Romans 12:19–21)

Revenge is you paying twice for a hurt that someone else did to you. You may think it will make you feel better in the short term, but in the long term it will always cost you more emotionally and spiritually than you’d ever want to pay. The only thing your revenge will do is add your wrongdoing on top of theirs.

Forgiveness doesn’t let the other person off the hook. It actually places them in God’s hands. And then, as you walk through the forgiveness process, it softens your heart. The peace from forgiveness is more satisfying then than revenge.

2. Our God is not a do-nothing God. (1 Peter 5:7)

I was recently participating in a Q&A session where someone in the audience asked, “How can God just do nothing?” The pain in her question was deep. Gracious, do I ever understand what that feels like. When you are suffering so much that each next breath seems excruciating, it’s easy to start assuming God is doing nothing.

But we don’t serve a do-nothing God. He is always working. It may be a slow working miracle. It may look different than what we expect. But God loves us, and He is always doing something. 

3. The enemy is the real villain. (Ephesians 6:11–12)

Yes, people do have a choice to sin against us or not. And certainly, when we are hurt, the person hurting us may have willingly played into the enemy’s plan. But it helps me to remember that this person isn’t my real enemy. The devil is real and on an all-out assault against all things good. He hates the word “together.” And he especially works with great intentionality against anything that brings honor and glory to God.

Oh, friend, the heartbreaks you carry are enormous. And your desire to undo some of what has been done is so very understandable. It’s okay to carry both the desire to want things to change and an acceptance that on this side of eternity they won’t change. You can carry both. You can honor both.

Adding truth into our perspective makes even the unchangeable, forgivable. None of this is simple. These aren’t truths to simply read through, but sit with. And sit in. Until we can dare to walk in it. Live it out. And maybe even one day declare it as a truth we’ve decided to own.

RESPOND: 

Look back at the three points about forgiveness. Which one did you need the most? Write out the verse that goes with that point and spend some time both meditating on it and memorizing it this week. 

The Daily Cure for a Heavy Heart

VERSE: Matthew 6:9-15

Did you know that Jesus has given us the perfect prayer to pray each day to help us get ahead of any offenses that may be coming our way?

In Matthew 6, we read about Jesus teaching the disciples how to pray, more commonly known as the Lord’s Prayer. And today I want us to note the very parts Jesus seems to emphasize the most—confession and forgiveness.

If you haven’t already done so, take a few moments to read Matthew 6:9–15.

Giving and receiving forgiveness makes up almost half of what Jesus teaches here. Wow!

This grabs my attention and makes me lean in a little more to what Jesus wanted us to do on a daily basis besides just making our prayers about requesting help and provision from God.The Lord’s Prayer reminds us what the human heart needs every day—we need God, we need to be forgiven, and we need to forgive. Which means forgiveness is supposed to be as much a part of our daily lives as eating and sleeping.

But I will readily admit, I’m not even sure I’ve ever done this weekly, much less daily. And maybe that’s the very reason I often have an unexplainable heavy feeling inside of me.

I’m too easily offended. I’m too quick to get defensive. I’m too slow to turn to prayer. I’m very rarely confessing. And I’m too often not forgiving.

But I want to change this. I want to mature in this.

I know I won’t do this perfectly. But that doesn’t mean I don’t try it at all.

Just a few weeks ago, someone I’ve been trying to help completely blindsided me with a reaction that felt extremely out of character and honestly undeserved. I was hurt. All I wanted to do was pull back from helping and give way to a full unleashing of my hurt on her. 

But instead of immediately reacting, I remembered how earlier that morning I had prayed the Lord’s Prayer and confessed several things to the Lord in which my own heart needed some work.

I’d pre-decided to forgive those who might do or say something that might hurt me or stir up my strong emotion that day.

Instead of letting my anger stir me to cause more hurt and pain, I simply let my anger inform me that something needed to be settled between my friend and me. I asked her if she could come over to my house and instead of us trying to figure it out or talk it out, maybe we could pray it through together.

I let Jesus in me talk to Jesus in her. As we prayed, the most unexplainable peace washed over us both. It didn’t necessarily solve the issue at hand. But it did prevent the chaos of adding in more hurt, confusion, and opportunities for resentment.

Confession breaks the cycle of chaos inside of me.

Forgiveness breaks the cycle of chaos between us.

The Lord’s Prayer prepared my heart for something I didn’t even know was coming later that day.

Oh, friend… believe me when I say, the best time to forgive is before we are ever offended. The next best time to forgive is right now.

RESPOND: 

Were you surprised to see that confession and forgiveness should be a part of our daily lives? How often do these two practices show up in your own life? Knowing there is no condemnation if it has been a while, start today. Spend time purposefully sweeping your heart clean with confession and forgiveness. 

About My Anger 

VERSES: Ephesians 4:26-27; Genesis 4:1-8

Even when we prepare our hearts in advance like we discussed yesterday, there will be times when we reach the end of the day and we just can’t shake how hurt we are. 

In the past, this is when I would turn to and, unfortunately, misuse Ephesians 4:26-27. It was so convenient to pull that passage out when someone wanted to go to bed and I still wanted to talk about whatever was causing a conflict.

“Oh no, you can’t call timeout right now. We have to keep talking because the Bible clearly says, ‘do not let the sun go down on your anger.’”

But I noticed recently the first three words say, “in your anger.” So, it isn’t about resolving all relational issues before 9:00 p.m. It’s talking about my anger, not our frustration.

It’s like the writer of Ephesians, Paul, is saying “You’ve got to deal with this anger. Don’t lay in your bed and let it consume your mind. If it does, it will come out of your mouth and reveal who or what is mastering you.”

When I looked for the very first time “anger” is mentioned in the Bible, I found myself in Genesis 4:2-8 where we encounter the first relational conflict in Scripture in the story of Cain and Abel.

I’ve known the story of these two brothers for years, but I missed a really important detail. In between Cain getting angry about God not accepting his offering and killing his brother, the Lord came and talked with him. The Lord, Himself, said to Cain, “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it.” (Genesis 4:6-7)

And suddenly it’s not so much a story about Cain and Abel; God is speaking to me. He’s showing me that what I let consume my mind, makes it way out through my mouth, revealing the real source of what’s driving my decisions.

Here’s where we see this in the story of Cain and Abel:

1. Mind: Cain refused to humble himself and allowed this anger to fester inside him.
2. Mouth: Cain was not willing to let forgiveness spill from his lips.
3. What ruled him: The sin that was crouching at his door deeply ruled over him, so much that he killed his brother. He gave his feelings the right to dictate his actions, even after God came and talked with him.

What a powerful reminder to not let anger and frustration run rampant through my thoughts.

It’s hard when the hurt is so fresh or the frustration is so ongoing. But isn’t God so gracious that He gives us these verses in Ephesians and ties this lesson to something we get to see every night? As the sun is going down, we can remember it’s time to pause and let God tend to any strong or potentially damaging reactions to hurts that could consume us.

We can pray, “Father I need Your forgiveness to flow to me and through me right now so Your Spirit can work in me and sweep my heart clean.” This doesn’t make light of or deny our hurt; it puts it in the hands of God so He can help us better process it.

RESPOND: 

While most people would never go as far as Cain did, what could be some of the devastating outcomes of refusing to allow God to address our feelings of anger and unforgiveness? What are some healthy ways you can process the strong emotions that get stirred up when you’re hurt?

A New Way to Walk and a New Way to See

VERSES: John 5:1-15; John 9:1-11

I realize after the past few days you may be saying, “All of this sounds good, Lysa. But my heart is still hurting and the person who hurt me has never even said they’re sorry.” 

I get it. Healing can feel impossible when there has been no resolution with those who have hurt us. We want them to admit they were wrong. To make things right. To at least apologize.

But I’m learning that our ability to heal cannot depend on anyone’s choices but our own.

The first time I became aware of this truth was during a trip to the Holy Land when my guide taught about the only two healing miracles Jesus performed in Jerusalem mentioned in the book of John.

The first was a healing at the pools of Bethesda.

In John 5, we read about a lame man who thought he needed the cooperation of other people to help him get to the water when the angels stirred it, according to the superstition believed by many. So, when Jesus came and asked him if he wanted to be healed, the man’s response was surprising. He gave Jesus an excuse based on the fact that no one would help him into the water.

Isn’t it amazing that the man was so focused on what others needed to do that he almost missed what Jesus could do?

Without one word about the other people, Jesus instructed him to get up, pick up his mat and walk. The Bible then says, “At once the man was cured” (John 5:9). The healing didn’t involve anyone but the paralyzed man and Jesus.

The other healing miracle is found in John 9 with a blind man. In this story, we find the disciples wanting to know whose actions caused this man’s blindness. But Jesus blew their assumptions apart. He didn’t place blame or shame on anyone. He said this man’s blindness “happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him” (John 9:3). Jesus then spat onto the ground, mixed up some mud, rubbed it onto the blind man’s eyes, instructing him to go and wash in the pool of Siloam. Notice that Jesus didn’t make healing contingent on other people doing or owning anything.

Jesus gave the instruction. The blind man obeyed. Jesus healed. The blind man moved forward. My guide in Jerusalem that day said “one of these miracles showed us a new way to walk and the other showed us a new way to see.”

I couldn’t grab my journal to record this revelation fast enough. I wrote, “For me to move forward, for me to see beyond this current darkness, is between me and the Lord. I don’t need to wait on others to do anything. I must simply obey what God is asking of me right now. God has given me a new way to walk. And God has given me a new way to see. It’s forgiveness. And it is beautiful.”

Our ability to heal cannot depend on others wanting our forgiveness, but only on our willingness to give it.

Our ability to heal also cannot depend on them receiving adequate consequences for their disobedience, but only on our obedience to trust God’s justice whether we ever see it or not.

My healing is my choice. And your healing? It’s with the utmost compassion that I say your healing is your choice too.

We can heal. We can forgive. We can trust God. And none of those beautiful realities can be held hostage by another person.

RESPOND: Have you ever found yourself stuck in a place of believing that your ability to heal is dependent on other people and their choices? Spend some time in prayer today surrendering every hurt and even releasing those who have hurt you to Jesus. Ask Him to help you believe He truly is able to heal you… to make your soul well.