Holding on When You Want to Let Go

What Happened?

Scripture: Psalm 143:4-7; John 5:17

When you think about your story, are you living the life you imagined? Perhaps some days, when you have time to take a deep breath, you hardly recognize yourself in the mirror and you wonder, What happened? When life takes unexpected turns, it’s easy to feel as if everything is out of control; you feel alone, afraid. When God seems silent, do you wonder if you’ve messed up? 

Or perhaps it’s more like that infuriating feeling you get when you’ve spent hours putting a jigsaw puzzle together only to discover that a couple of pieces are missing. You search under the rugs, in the dog’s mouth. You threaten your entire family with no food for a week if they’re hiding the pieces, but they’re gone. 

I’m learning, though, that the missing pieces in our lives are not gone forever. They reappear at unexpected moments, and even when it hurts for them to be put back in place, the picture is so much clearer when they are.

Jesus tells us, “My Father is always working, and so am I” (John 5:17). Life does not give us a quick fix, but God is always moving, always working, always aware of the big picture. Even now, God is tenderly holding your missing pieces.

I have no idea what’s going on in your life as you read these words. What I do know is that we will all face challenges, heartaches, things we didn’t see coming. There will be moments when we wish we could rewrite chapters of our stories. But God has been writing our stories from the very beginning. Life is not out of control, even when it feels as if it is. I promise you that.

It’s my prayer that God will show you in ways that are significant and meaningful to you that He is with you. I pray that you will know that He is working in ways you might not see at the moment, that even when you have to let go of something you love, you are being held by the One who loves you and will never let you go. 

Father God, when I feel like pieces of my life are missing forever, help me to trust that you will put my life back together again. Amen.

Looking for a Lifeline

Scripture: Psalm 27:13-14; Hebrews 6:19

One of the greatest challenges to holding on when life feels out of control is knowing that if God wanted to change our circumstances, He could. So why would we hold on to the One who could help us if He doesn’t? What do you do when you believe that God is good, that God is in control, but nothing makes sense to you anymore?

When the COVID pandemic first hit in spring 2020, I felt myself spiraling downward. All the things I’d learned to help me cope with depression over the years weren’t working. I didn’t know how to pull myself out of the pit. Some days I just stayed in bed.

As my despair grew, it brought me to my knees. I began to dive in to the Bible as if my life depended on it, because it did. I needed to understand the bigger picture of the story God is writing.

Day after day, week after week, I sat out on our balcony with my Bible and a notebook and pencil and asked the Holy Spirit to help me see what I might miss. And He did. The stories were right there in the pages, story after story of people who loved God but felt as if their lives were out of control. But God was with them, every moment, every day. Not only that, but as I studied, I saw that Jesus was there. He is there from the first chapter of Genesis until the final chapter of Revelation. It’s always been about Jesus. There has always been a plan. He has always been writing our stories. 

The Scripture passage that had been a lifeline for me so many years before became a lifeline again: 

Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness while I am here in the land of the living. 

Wait patiently for the Lord.

Be brave and courageous.

Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.

—Psalm 27:13–14

So I hold on. Will you hold on too? 

Father God, when my life feels out of control, I choose to hold on to You. Amen. 

How Long?

Scripture: Psalm 13:1-3; Psalm 25:16-17; Matthew 27:46

Whenever I’m struggling, I open my Bible. I’m sure that sounds very basic, but for me, it’s life and breath. In all my times of self-doubt, of insecurity, I anchor myself to the Word of God, and I remember that I’m not alone even when I feel like I am. Feelings can be powerful liars. 

Some of David’s most vulnerable psalms, the ones that bring comfort and hope, were written when he felt most alone and abandoned, not only by friends but by God Himself. In Psalm 13:1-3, he writes, 

O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever? How long will you look the other way? 

How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day?

How long will my enemy have the upper hand? 

Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!

Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die. 

Even though David feels as if God has forgotten him, that’s who he takes his complaint to. He’s exhausted and depressed, he’s been on the run from King Saul, who wants to kill him, and David is simply at the end of his rope. He doesn’t want God to help him tomorrow. He needs help and he needs it now. In his desperation, feeling so alone, he cries out to God. 

Turn to me and have mercy,

for I am alone and in deep distress. 

My problems go from bad to worse.

Oh, save me from them all!

—Psalm 25:16–17

With David, we cry out, “How long? How long? How long? How long?” Like David, we feel as if God has forgotten where we live or, perhaps even worse, has turned and looked the other way. 

When you find yourself in a place where you are crying out in pain, begging God to listen to your prayer, to change your situation, to intervene in the way only He can and He doesn’t, know that Christ has been there too. There is nothing you and I will face that Christ has not already faced. He has felt the weight of our pain. We are never, ever alone, even when it feels as if we are.

Father God, at times, I feel so alone. Thank You that You are holding me in the waiting time. Amen. 

When God’s on Mute

Scripture: Romans 8:26-27; Hebrews 7:24-25

I know how desperate the silence of God can feel. 

You’re struggling financially and just need a word from God.

Silence. 

Your child is sick and you’re begging God for healing.

Silence.

You need direction for your life.

Silence.

Should I take this job or not, should I move or not?

Silence.

Your world is falling apart.

Silence. 

When days drag into weeks, we wrestle with what we believe to be true. We believe that God is loving and merciful. We believe that He is a God of all comfort. We believe that He cares for us. We believe that He speaks to His people. We believe, and yet we are living with His silence. 

In those moments, say the name of Jesus out loud. Call on the name of the Lord. Remember there is a battle raging over each one of us. It’s a battle that will become more intense as Satan’s time is running out. Never forget that Jesus, our High Priest, is praying for you and that He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world (Hebrews 7:24-25).

And never forget that when you can’t even utter a word, the Holy Spirit is interceding for you. As we read in Romans 8:26-27:  

And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will. 

Never be afraid to bring your questions to God. Know that you are being heard and you are being held. Hold on to the glorious truth that is greater than your pain: Christ, the perfect Lamb of God, the One who spoke the world into being, is with you. Even when you can’t see His plan, He is working. Even when you can’t feel His presence, He is working. 

My dear friend, you are not alone. God is with you even in the silence. Heaven is watching over you, cheering you on. With the cross of Christ before us, we will hold on and not let go. We will hold on to Jesus. 

Father God, thank You that even in the silence You are with me. Amen. 

What Did I Do Wrong?

Scripture: Psalm 103:12; John 19:28-30

One of the greatest challenges to our faith is that the waves of our past mistakes or wrong choices often wash up on the shore of our souls when things go wrong. 

We wonder: 

Did I cause this to happen? 

What would have happened if I’d stayed in my marriage? 

Would this have happened if I’d never had that abortion? 

Am I being punished now because of that stupid affair? 

Am I facing bankruptcy because I wasn’t faithful in my giving? 

Did I try to force my faith on my children, causing them to want nothing to do with it? 

I have spent time with so many women who live under the burden of regret. Even though they know in their heads that when Christ forgives us, He removes our sin as far as the east is from the west, that truth still feels too good to be true. It’s as if each one of us has a set of scales inside our mind. Somehow, the wrong we’ve done and the mistakes we’ve made seem to weigh more than the forgiveness of Jesus. We often feel that we’re getting what we deserve. 

But as believers in Christ, we do not get what we deserve. We get what we don’tdeserve. That’s God’s grace.

Do you remember the last words that Christ spoke on the cross? 

Jesus knew that his mission was now finished, and to fulfill Scripture he said, “I am thirsty.” A jar of sour wine was sitting there, so they soaked a sponge in it, put it on a hyssop branch, and held it up to his lips. When Jesus had tasted it, he said, “It is finished!” Then he bowed his head and gave up his spirit.

—John 19:28–30

The Greek word used here for “finished” is tetelestai. This word has been found on ancient tax documents. Written across the papyrus, it literally means “Bill paid in full.” Do you feel the weight of that truth? Whatever you have done, whatever regrets you might have, whatever wrong paths you may have taken, with those final words of Christ, He stamped over your life and mine “Bill paid in full.” 

Father God, I know I have messed up. Thank You that You love me and that by Your grace I have the freedom to change. Amen. 

Our Whole Self

Scripture: Psalm 32:3-4; Psalm 51

When I sat down to write about holding on to God even in the hardest moments, I found myself asking: Why are so many of us who love Jesus so unhappy? Why are we just hanging on by a thread? Why is nothing quite as great as we thought it would be? Why do we keep messing up over and over again? 

I wonder if it’s because we have not allowed salvation to do its full work. Let me explain what I mean. When we embrace a life of faith, we know that our sins are forgiven. We are no longer sinners; we are sinners saved by grace. While that is gloriously true, I think we forget the full reach of what sin really is. 

In his masterful work The Reason for God, Timothy Keller quotes French author and activist Simone Weil: “All sins are attempts to fill voids. Because we cannot stand the God-shaped hole inside of us, we try stuffing it full of all sorts of things but only God may fill it.” She wrote this after her dramatic conversion to Christianity.

I used to understand this quotation as applying to those who have not yet come into a relationship with God. But when I examine my own life, I see that even though I gave my life to God when I was eleven, I’ve resisted letting Him fill all the void, the broken places, the fear-filled places, the tear-stained places, the messed-up places. This was not an intentional resistance, just a broken understanding of how great and wholly invasive God wants to be in our lives. He wants to be our everything. 

In other words, being a Christian is more than just “giving our lives to Jesus” and knowing that now we’re saved. It’s being our whole self in God’s presence. It’s being transparent, not all bad or all good but human and real and messy. It’s loving Him above everything and everyone else. It’s finding our very identity in Him. It’s finding our only identity in Him. 

God wants all of us, our strengths and weaknesses, the things that make us laugh out loud and the things that make us cry. It’s often at our most broken that we realize how loved we really are. 

Father God, I want to give you my whole self. My 100 percent this-is-who-I-am self. Thank You for wanting me to come to You just as I am. Amen.

Loved Back to Life

Scripture: John 10:3-4; Ephesians 1:18-23

I grew up in Scotland with sheep all around me, field after field of white wool and incessant bleating echoing throughout the green pastures. Of all the lessons I have learned from these defenseless, gentle animals, the most profound is also the most painful.

Every now and then, a ewe will give birth to a lamb and immediately reject it. These rejected lambs are called “bummer lambs.” Unless the shepherd intervenes and takes the lamb into his home, that lamb will die, not of hunger but of a broken spirit. So the shepherd will hand-feed it from a bottle and keep it warm by the fire. He will wrap it up with soft blankets and hold it to his chest so the lamb can hear a heartbeat. When the lamb is strong enough, the shepherd will place it back in the field with the rest of the flock.

In the morning, the shepherd will stand at the edge of the field and call out, “Sheep, sheep, sheep!” The first to run to him are the bummer lambs because they know his voice. It’s not that they are more loved; it’s just that they believe they are loved. 

He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. After he has gathered his own flock, he walks ahead of them, and they follow him because they know his voice.

—John 10:3–4 

I will be a bummer lamb for the rest of my life, but that’s not bad news; it’s the best news. It’s not that God loves His messy bummer lambs more than the rest of His flock; it’s just that we dare to believe He loves us even when we want to give up. We dare to go to Him when we are at the end of ourselves so that we can loved back to life. We’ve heard His voice, we’ve been held close to His heart, and we are sold out to Him for life, missing pieces and all. 

I don’t know why you might feel as if you are just clinging to hope by a thin thread. But I do know this: 

You are not alone.

You are not abandoned.

You are seen.

You are loved.

You are forgiven.

You are free. 

Our God is a rescuer, a deliverer, a tender Shepherd. We can hold on because we are being held. 

Father God, thank You that You hold all the pieces of my story and that You hold me. Amen.