5 Days To Freedom From Angry Parenting

Scripture: James 1:19-20

 DAY ONE: WHEN DISOBEDIENCE TRIGGERS OUR ANGER

I remember the first time my oldest son disobeyed me. He was a toddler and exercising his independence. Little did I know that dealing with waywardness in my kids would become the most challenging aspect of parenting for more than a decade–and I’m still in the thick of teaching and training my four sons about the benefits of obedience. I want them to know; obedience always gives birth to blessings!As parents, we forget that our kids are immature. Yes, they will also be outrightly defiant at times; but I find that often, we are dealing with our own unreasonable expectations for obedience. God desires their compliance, but we need to be clear about what is actually doable for our kids in their particular ages and stages. Reevaluate your expectations and understanding of childhood developmental norms. Sometimes, we have skewed expectations of what a child should or shouldn’t be able to do. Be a student of your child, seeking to set them up for success and diminish your odds of being provoked toward unrighteous anger. 

But what about our reactions when they defy us? 

Unreasonable expectations lead to biting and cutting punishment, instead of training our children in the way they should go by pointing them to Christ. We are tough on our kids because we can be—because we are the authority. 

Iron fists chisel stony hearts, but graceful hands shape responsive hearts.  

The book of James describes the avalanche of harm that can come when we yield to anger. In chapter 1, verses 19-20, James writes, “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.” (NIV) 

Often our anger leads to other sinful behaviors—impatience, rudeness, and harsh scolding, for example. I certainly don’t respond well when someone treats me like that, so it’s unreasonable to think that our kids will blossom under that kind of discipline either. With the Holy Spirit as our guide, we can transform our angry responses into loving ones that still hold our children to a godly standard of obedience while also demonstrating the Fruit of the Spirit toward them.  

Even when our children are outrightly defiant, though our expectations are reasonable, the righteous anger we feel should stir us toward loving correction, not sinful responses. There is nothing that anger can do, that love can’t do better. These verses from James are a warning to us, but they can also be a spiritual goal, attained through the Holy Spirit’s transformation in our own lives.Let’s Pray:

“Dear God, you want all of your children to be obedient. I know that when we obey you, we receive blessing and you are glorified. Father, I want to raise obedient children, but I also want to model obedience to you in my own life. Help me to see my kids through your eyes and to have reasonable expectations, lovingly pointing them to your standards with grace and truth, instead of anger. Replace my frustrations with mercy. Make me slow to anger! Help me to run alongside my children, championing them and loving them well, even when they disobey. May we all be more like you, Lord Jesus! Thank you for your promises to help me become a godly parent! In Jesus’ name, Amen!” 

Scripture: Romans 12:17-20

 DAY TWO: WHEN SIBLING RIVALRY IS MAKING YOU CRAZY

The car engine started, and before we were out of the driveway, the bickering began. One brother looked at another brother with a goofy face while another brother was kicking his sibling’s seat. Such trivial issues, and yet, to them, it felt like the end of the world. Sometimes, siblings will argue over much more serious issues, especially as they grow older. But one thing is true for every age and stage: sibling rivalry is as old and as constant as time. We can, however, with the help of Scripture and the Holy Spirit, become peacemakers in our homes. Though sibling rivalry may trigger us toward anger, it doesn’t have to.So often, we think of triggers as a bother. A problem. Something to nip in the bud.Life will present us with many situations that will trigger us to react in sinful anger. If we can reorient our thinking about these triggers to see them as opportunities, we can be spiritually victorious. Every trigger is an opportunity in one way or another. Here’s what I mean regarding sibling rivalry:  

Sibling rivalry is an opportunity for two good things to happen:

1. My boys learn how to identify their feelings, communicate well, and problem solve. 

And,

2. I learn to respond biblically and train my kids in righteousness.  

In our home, we set the standard by first creating a short list of family values—like making our home a place of peace by becoming peacemakers. We talk this Biblical idea over with our kids, giving examples of how we can all be agents for peace in our home.  If sibling rivalry is rampant, one of the best biblical responses we can give our kids is to memorize a passage from the Bible that relates to the issue. This section from Romans 12:17-20 is one of my favorites when harmony is being overshadowed by discord: 

“Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary: ‘If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.’” (NIV)

This verse is foundational to dealing with all kinds of fighting and arguing. Take the time to talk through it little by little over the course of a few weeks. Ask your kids questions about what they think it means and how they can apply it to an example in their own lives. Tease out scenarios from your own day and how you can model this to your kids. Speak in a loving and positive tone whenever you approach Scripture, not in a way that communicates condemnation or punishment. Remember, we want our kids to see the Word of God as the path to life, offering hope through Scripture, not a tool to shame them!

Once that groundwork has been laid as a standard for behavior in our home, the responsibility belongs to our children to do the right thing. When they fail, we can continue to do the good parenting, modeling peace and honoring God, ourselves. We don’t have to make their sin, personal. This is one way we trade angry reactions for gentle biblical responses. Peacemaking parents, produce peacemaking kids!LET’S PRAY: 

“Heavenly Father, it unnerves me when my kids fight with one another, and it often makes me feel like a failure. I want them to get along, but I know that takes time and maturity. Lord, I need your guidance to know what to do in these situations. Give me the words to say and the creative ideas to help my children become peacemakers. Thank You, Jesus, for promoting peace in our hearts through the Holy Spirit. Help us to put one another’s needs before our own. Make our home a place of harmony and kindness. In Jesus’ name, amen!”

Scripture: Proverbs 29:11

DAY THREE: WHEN OUR KIDS ARE IRRESPONSIBLE

Some of us believe that our kids will only obey us if we yell at them. But that’s simply what we have trained them to do.  Of course, I’m not talking simply about volume here—we would need to raise our voices if a child was heading into danger, like running into the street. But yelling at our kids as a way of getting them to do the things we want them to do is simply not a biblical response to our triggers.  

Proverbs 29:11 says, “A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.” Parents who scream and let their words tumble out unchecked are considered foolish. We can feel the tension mounting, yet still be like the wise man who “quietly holds it back” and finds a gracious way to communicate. It will take time and patience to turn this around, but it’s possible!

Foundationally, it’s up to us as the parents to teach and train outside of times of chaos or in the aftermath of conflict. This is especially true when it comes to messes our kids have made or when they don’t do their designated chores. We don’t need to get embroiled in an argument or lose our tempers over laziness. Nor do we need to scream at them as if they can’t hear us. When our kids are not fulfilling their responsibility, we simply need to keep doing the good parenting—coaching our kids towards success!

Here are three ways you can help your children become more responsible:

1. Study your child as an individual and see what motivates them. For some, it will be words of affirmation, so praise them as a starting point to lead into chores. For others, it will be quality time—they like to do things with others, so offer them chores that they can do with a partner or with you. Notice what makes them tick and then play off of their unique strengths!  
2. Choose realistic jobs. Some larger families with older kids have zones that they manage and then rotate. That way, each child gets experience in all aspects of maintaining a home: cleaning bathrooms, helping prep for dinner, or taking care of pets. Emphasize a team spirit and foster a sense of togetherness as you all chip in to help one another.  
3. Remind your kids the reasoning behind working hard and being responsible:  “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.” (Colossians 3:23-24) Let’s model this work ethic in our own lives, too. Even the patient process of training our kids in responsibility should be an act of worship! 

No parent wants lazy children, but it takes a childhood to teach and train a child. Patiently coach them toward responsible behavior instead of yelling or shaming them. If we want our children to honor God, it begins with us.Let’s Pray:“Dear Jesus, I want everything I do to be an act of worship. Give my children hearts that desire to serve joyfully, too! I know that chores can be a struggle and that responsible kids don’t happen overnight, but Lord, help me to be patient with them while I train them. You are creative, so allow me to be creative in the ways I teach responsibility. May my own willingness to do everything with joy influence my kids. When I’m weary, Lord, strengthen me. Make our family a team who pitches in to help one another out of loving-kindness. Thank you for being our strength when we are weak and for giving us purpose, even in simple things like chores. In your name, I pray, Amen!” 

Scriptures: 2 Corinthians 5:17, Galatians 2:20

 DAY FOUR: MY PARENTS WERE ANGRY, AND NOW I AM TOO

I didn’t start losing my temper with my kids until my second son was born. I began reaching a breaking point over little things, started raising my voice, and often felt a deep sense of dread that I was becoming the mom I swore I would never be. I was carrying on the legacy of anger that had preceded me.  

The Holy Spirit began to convict me. It took longer than I wanted it to, but I committed to repenting from my sin of pride, being quick to anger, and speaking harshly to my boys. I renewed my commitment to reading my Bible every day and spending time in prayer. Often, my only prayer was,“Lord, I need you to stop my tongue from saying any word that does not build up those who listen. I don’t want to hurt my kids or be an angry mom. Change my heart and make me a gentle mother! Father, forgive me and give me the wisdom I need to glorify You. Break the generational chains!”

More and more, I felt the Holy Spirit compelling me to take a deep breath, speak slowly and carefully to my children, and seek out ways to bless them with my words throughout the day. When my sons napped, I settled into my comfy chair and prioritized my spiritual growth as I read my Bible and Christian parenting books to help me deal with my sin issues. I started apologizing to my boys and studying what it meant to be humble. Instead of focusing on the challenges in my life, I kept a gratitude journal, writing down all the big and small ways that I was blessed, and choosing to have a joyful heart. I asked the Lord to transform me by praying Psalm 51:10-12: “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from Your presence, and take not Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.”  

And God showed up, so I shaped up.  

There was no magical overnight change. It was the slow realization that I was a new creation in Christ and that I didn’t need to work hard to be different. I simply needed to own who I already was: 

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” (2 Corinthians 5:17)

“I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” (Galatians 2:20)

Recognizing that Christ lives in us and will help us break every chain or pattern of sin is a blessing I took for granted. The Holy Spirit transformation is the grace of God. It is the life-changing power of the Gospel. The legacy of new life in Christ is the one we get to pass on to our kids.  

No generational sin is a match for the God of all generations.  

Many parents have expressed to me their great sorrow and fear that their children will only remember them as angry, yelling moms and dads. I want us to feel conviction for our sinful anger, but I also want those of us who have confessed our sin to stop looking over our shoulders into yesterday. Don’t allow the Devil to convince you that your legacy is fixed.  

Instead, dwell on how enriched your children’s lives will be to see you model overcoming sin in your own life. Dwell on how they will be blessed by witnessing what God can do in a heart that is His and with a life that is committed to doing what is right.  

That is the real legacy you will leave, and it is beautiful! 

Let’s Pray:

“Father God, when you entered my heart, I became a new creation! No matter how much my past has affected me, I know that I do not have to repeat sinful patterns. Father, you are mighty and victorious in my life! Put to death any offensive way in me and revive me! Heal my heart, Lord! God, I do not want to carry into my future any behavior, anger, bitterness, or strife from my past. Renew my heart and mind, that I may create a different kind of home-life for my child. Help me to leave a legacy of love and safety in my mothering that will carry on for many generations. Thank you for being a God of redemption and beauty! In Jesus’ name, Amen!”

Scriptures: Malachi 3:6, 2 Timothy 2:13, Philippians 4:13

 DAY FIVE: WHEN YOUR LIFE FEELS OUT OF CONTROL

When my kids were very young, my husband took a job three hours north of my hometown. I had no family and only a few acquaintances there. My husband worked long hours, so it was just three kids under the age of four and me, day in and day out.One morning, I stood in the doorway of our front porch, waving goodbye to my husband as he left for work, and my heart plummeted. I was miserable at the thought of trying to manage my two active preschoolers for the next thirteen hours while trying to nurse my fussy newborn and keep my house clean. I headed into the master bathroom to brush my teeth, and instead of the joyful, put-together woman that I thought I was, all I could see was my messy, graying hair, sagging pajama pants, and dull eyes. I looked as bad as I felt, as one suffocating day led to the next. I felt that I had no control over my life. 

So my fuse shortened. 

And my voice rose. 

And my hope eroded. 

And my heart ached. 

And the kids got the brunt of it. 

So my guilt swelled. 

And the cycle continued as I wondered if I would ever be able to recover my gentleness and feel whole again.  

I tried to get dressed more often than not, invite others over for playdates, and put together a housekeeping schedule. All of these practical things were steps in the right direction, but my frustration and irritability continued to catch me off guard. I was often exasperated over spilled milk, undone by sibling rivalry, and reactionary over disagreements with my over-worked husband.  

I needed a Holy Spirit intervention.  

So I put into practice two key spiritual disciplines:  

1.) Quiet times of Bible reading and prayer.  

And, 

2.) Genuine grief and repentance over my sin, coupled with specific actions for change.  

I began to protect my quiet times again. Come what may, when the kids napped, I walked past the piles of laundry, the soaking dishes, and the comfy couch. Those things could wait. I ignored the romance novel on my bedside, the TV remote, and social media. I gathered my One Year Bible, my prayer journal, and my wits, and I settled into the chair on my back porch to read and pray. Every day. I began to beg God to cleanse my heart and purify my mouth. Philippians 4:8 transformed my thinking: “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” I began to filter every thought through this divine sieve.  

Every time I slipped, I stopped right there and repented. And then I examined what was triggering my anger and sinful reactions. Praying for wisdom, I put a plan in place to help retrain my angry responses, and I practiced, and prayed, and practiced, and prayed, and practiced, and prayed.  

If I was prone to get angry over sibling rivalry, then I examined practical ways I could help them settle disputes in a peaceful manner, like giving them a fun chore they could work together on as a team. If I was impatient and spoke harshly with my kids for interrupting some meaningless thing that had my attention, then I practiced stopping mid-sentence, apologizing, and getting down on eye-level to listen to them. It took time—much more time than I wanted. But change happened over the course of the year.  

What didn’t change were my circumstances. The transition we were facing loomed as challenging as ever, and in some cases, my surroundings got even worse. What made all the difference is that I went back to the One who never changes, and I remembered that His plans for me are ultimately good. When you are going through change, go to the One who never changes.  

“For I the Lord do not change; therefore you, O children of Jacob, are not consumed.” (Malachi 3:6) 

During those times of transition and lack of control, I forgot that this life is not about me and the smooth, ideal setting I wanted, so I allowed my resentment to consume me. I find a lot of hope in the fact that God is faithful, despite my lack of faith: “If we are faithless, He remains faithful— for He cannot deny Himself” (2 Timothy 2:13). I don’t need to strive for the perfect solution or work harder. Peace in the midst of change comes from the knowledge that, “I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” (Philippians 4:13, NIV)  

If today you feel overwhelmed or in need of the stable and familiar, don’t look over your shoulder at how things used to be, or into the future of what you imagine life could become. Look to God, who never takes His eyes off of you. Ask the Lord to carry you through this moment, in this home, with these people. When all else fails, if our feet are firmly planted on the rock, the love of Christ steadies our hearts and minds, even if the whole earth gives way beneath us. God knows the number of hairs on our heads and He knows the challenges we are facing. Nothing about the path you are on is permitted without His loving consent. Trust that God is in the transition as much as He was before your world turned topsy-turvy. Have the courage to believe that it can even be for your good. 

Let’s Pray:

“Father, you are the same yesterday, today, and forever. I know that this time of transition is not a surprise to you and that you have allowed me to face these changes. You are with me in the midst of uncertainty. I know that in this chapter of my life where everything seems unsettled that You remain steady. I need your help to feel secure and at peace in my circumstances simply because I am your child and you are my loving Father. I don’t want to be irritable or complain, nor do I want to let my emotions rule my heart and mouth. Give me more of your Holy Spirit in my life and help me to be unflappable, resilient, and victorious! Thank You for being my rock and my firm foundation! In Jesus’ name, Amen!