4 Ways to Fight Fair in Marriage

Scriptures: 1 Peter 5:8-9, John 10:10, Ephesians 6:10-11, Ephesians 4:2-3, Mark 10:8

Remember Your Real Enemy 

When we are in conflict with our spouse, our default is often to think of ourselves as being against our spouse. It’s my way versus their way. I’m right; therefore, they are wrong. I am in the right, and my spouse is just in the way. 

Some of the best marriage advice I’ve ever received was given to me just six months into the marriage. Dylan and I were newlyweds trying to figure out conflict. We were fighting a lot and not developing any solutions. I invited an older, wiser woman to coffee and pleaded with her, “What do I do?!” 

I explained to her all the ins and outs of our conflict: how stubborn Dylan was, how wrong he was, how impossible it was to get him to see my point of view, and how exhausting it was to argue with him. That’s when she hit me with it. She said, “Christina, you know Dylan isn’t your enemy, right?” 

“Well yeah, of course, I know that,” I replied. She quickly and gently came back with, “It doesn’t sound like you do. You sound like you believe Dylan wants ill for you. Like he doesn’t care about you or have your best interest at heart. It sounds like you think it has to be his way or your way. And that if it’s his way, you are losing. It sounds like, you think he is your enemy.” 

She was right. I was putting myself against Dylan as if he was my enemy and as if we were on opposite teams instead of the same team. 

I had to remember that Dylan was not my enemy in order to resolve our conflict in a healthy way. When I would think of Dylan as my enemy, the fighting would escalate. 

It’s impossible to de-escalate a fight until you recognize the other person isn’t out to get you. 

Here’s the thing: you do have a real enemy. And it’s not your spouse! It’s satan. He does want ill for you, and he does not want you to work through conflict in your marriage in a healthy way. He loves toxic fighting. He loves it when you are against each other. 

Pray for protection against this real enemy. Call his lies out. Pray for unity in your marriage and for you both to have the wisdom to work as a team peacefully. 

The first way to fight fair is to remember your spouse is not your enemy. When you feel things escalating, remind yourself of that. Your spouse loves you. Your spouse cares about you and chose to spend the rest of their life with you. You and your spouse are on the same team. 

It’s when you turn from facing each other in a fight to facing the problem together, side by side, that you can resolve conflict in a healthy way. 

CHALLENGE

The next time a conflict comes up or you feel frustrated with your spouse, remind yourself that your spouse is not your enemy. Say aloud, “My spouse is not my enemy. We are on the same team. We can learn to work through problems together.” 

APPLICATION QUESTIONS

In what ways do you think of your spouse as against you? How can you change that? 

Do you believe your spouse has your best interest at heart? Why or why not? 

In a conflict, how can you operate more like a team? 

The next time you are in a disagreement with each other, what can you do at the moment to remind each other you are on the same team?

Scriptures: 1 Corinthians 14:10, Ezekiel 18:28-29, Job 39, Matthew 5:9, Romans 12:18, Matthew 5:24

Set Ground Rules

My husband loves board games because he loves competition. When people find a new board game, they often want to come over and play it with us. If we get the opportunity to read the rules of the game, it’s usually quite fun. But we all have different gifts, and not everyone is great at explaining the rules of a game. When that happens, it can suck the fun out of playing.

If you’ve ever attempted to play a new game after being given poor instructions, you know how frustrating and chaotic it can be. “Wait, what’s the objective? What are the rules? Why can you do that? How do I do this?”

It’s chaotic and confusing. And no one really knows how to get from point A to point B. 

Fighting in marriage can be like that too if you don’t have some ground rules. There are healthy ways to fight and unhealthy ways to fight. But if we’ve never been taught those healthy ways, we don’t know the rules. We can’t execute what we do not know.

God is a God of order. Just look at creation and see how detailed and well-constructed it is. God also gives us helpful instructions on how to live peacefully with each other in his Word. 

I think it’s wise to set some peaceful ground rules for your marriage to have and hold to when you disagree. This will help you disagree in a way that still honors and serves each other, as God wants us to. 

There are some standard ways to be kind and work towards peace and reconciliation that will apply to all couples. We go to God’s Word for what this looks like. 

Here are some examples of basic ground rules for peacemaking during disagreements: 

• No yelling, foul language, or name-calling. (Ephesians 4:29; Colossians 3:8) 
• No lying or exaggerating. This means not saying, “you always” and “you never.” These exaggerations aren’t helpful or truthful and put your spouse on the defensive. (Proverbs 25:18) 
• Stay on topic. No bringing up past unrelated issues. (1 Corinthians 13:4-5; Philippians 3:13-14) 
• Allow for “time outs” (where you take a break from the discussion) when things are getting heated before one of you loses your cool. If either one of you calls a “time out,” both of you respect that. (Psalm 37:8) 
• Take turns talking. Do not interrupt each other. (Proverbs 1:5) 
• Listen well. (James 1:19) 
• Take a break to pray together when it seems like you aren’t getting anywhere. (Psalm 32:6) 
• Don’t threaten divorce. (Matthew 19:6)

Additionally, every couple is a little different, and we bring our own baggage to the table. I recommend having a few personalized ground rules based on your specific background, needs, and history with each other. 

Here are a few examples of rules specific to Dylan and myself: 

• When I ask for a time out, I leave the room, and he can’t follow me. I need physical space when I ask for a time out in order to feel safe and be able to process and calm down. 
• We don’t say, “must be nice” to each other. This phrase created a lot of tension when we got into a bad pattern of using it for several years. We used it out of jealousy against each other causing the other to feel devalued and putting us in competition with each other on whose life is harder. (By the way, that’s a terrible game to play!) It wasn’t fruitful in our marriage, and it had to go. My guess is there are some phrases in your marriage that also need to go. 

Healthy ground rules will bring order to your disagreements.

When you or your spouse breaks a rule, apologize, forgive, and move forward. Neither of you will do this perfectly, and that’s okay. After you mess up, come back to the ground rules to strive for peace and unity in your home.

CHALLENGE

Discuss with your spouse what it means to fight fair. What ground rules do you need in your marriage when it comes to conflict? Decide on these ground rules, and write them down. 

APPLICATION QUESTIONS

In what ways are you fighting unfairly or in an unhealthy manner? What issues or unhelpful habits do you bring to the fighting in your marriage? Pray and ask God to reveal these habits to you.

What do you need in order to feel safe sharing your needs and frustrations with your spouse? Is there a ground rule that would help with that? 

Which of these standard ground rules do you want to implement? 

Are there any additional ground rules that are specific to your marriage that you think would be helpful to add? 

Are there any phrases we say to each other that need to go?

Scriptures: 1 John 1:9, Proverbs 28:13, Hebrews 12:14, 2 Corinthians 5:21, Ephesians 2:8-9, Romans 3:23

Fight The Temptation To Defend

The good news is that you have nothing to prove and no one to impress. Because of the gospel, you don’t have to prove anything. You are beloved by and in good standing with the God of all creation, and it’s not because of anything you did or could do. It’s because of Jesus and his sacrifice. 

If you have nothing to prove before the God of the universe, you certainly don’t have anything to prove to anyone else. 

We forget that when we feel the need to defend ourselves all the time. We also forget, in our pride, that we are sinners in need of a Savior. As sinners, we mess up, fail, disappoint, and don’t meet expectations.

So it should not surprise us when our spouse comes to us with frustrations about us. But again, the good news is we don’t have to defend ourselves. We can be honest about our failings, apologize, repent, and move forward because of the gospel. 

If you’re quick to defend yourself in disagreements with your spouse, it’s going to escalate things and be exhausting. When you defend yourself tooth and nail, it invalidates what your spouse is feeling and experiencing. It communicates to them, “I don’t care that you think I hurt you. I didn’t!” 

The truth is we do fail our spouses. We do mess up. We are sinners in need of a Savior. We don’t need to defend ourselves as if those things weren’t true. 

The opposite of defense is confession. And again, good news for us—God is good and faithful to forgive our sins when we confess them. We don’t have to be afraid of confessing to God or to our spouse. There is freedom in confession. 

Not only are we called to confess to God, but we are also called to confess in our relationships. We are to be peacemakers and reconcilers. A big part of making peace is laying down defense and instead choosing to confess. 

CHALLENGE

The next time your spouse brings something to your attention, and you feel defensive, pray and ask God to help you confess instead of defending. 

APPLICATION QUESTIONS

How would fighting the temptation to defend change your disagreements with your spouse? 

Where do you feel defensive? Why do you think that is? 

What would it look like for you to make a habit of confessing to God? To your spouse?

Scriptures: Colossians 3:13, Ephesians 4:31-32

Create a Culture of Forgiving Freely 

Have you ever paid for something that was meant to be free? 

When a popular streaming service first came out, several of my friends jumped on the chance to purchase it. The streaming service had classics for them and new movies and fun shows for their kids. It was a win-win. I learned a few weeks later that my cell phone company was giving its members a year of free access to this streaming service, and that’s when I signed up for free. 

It was months later that my friends were talking about their streaming service costs when I realized they were paying for this streaming service although they also were members of my same cell phone company. They missed out on the deal! They were paying for something that was meant to be free for them. 

As Christians, we have the blessing and great mercy of being forgiven. We are also called to forgive others just as we have been forgiven. The forgiveness came at a cost to Jesus but at no cost to us. It’s free for us because of his sacrifice. 

My question is this: if forgiveness is free why do we often charge for it in our home? 

We don’t often treat forgiveness as free when it comes to forgiving others. We want free forgiveness for ourselves but we want others to pay when they have wronged us. 

We charge our spouse with our attitudes and detachment when they mess up. We withhold love and affection from them until they pay the price. We expect things from them after they hurt us before we are willing to extend forgiveness. 

But what would it look like to truly forgive freely in your home? What would it look like to create a culture of forgiveness in your family? 

Part of fighting fair is reconciliation, and forgiveness is the cornerstone of reconciliation. 

I think the first step to forgiving freely starts with expectations. 

We all have a lot of expectations for our spouse but there is one expectation most couples fail to have for each other: We fail to expect our spouse to need Jesus. Your spouse is a sinner. They are imperfect. They aren’t going to get it right all the time. They need Jesus today and will need him every day for the rest of their life no matter how hard they try. (As will you!) 

They need Jesus’ forgiveness, not if but when they fail you, and they need your forgiveness too. No matter how long you’ve been married or how great your spouse is, you will never stop needing to forgive them because they will let you down. 

It’s healthy to expect our spouse to need Jesus and to fall short. Part of creating a culture of forgiving freely in your home is to start expecting your spouse to need Jesus. 

When you already expect your spouse to need Jesus it’s easy to say, “That’s okay, I forgive you” because it doesn’t come at some great surprise to you when they fall short. 

What would it look like to stop charging for forgiveness and instead make forgiving freely a mantra in your home? 

Challenge: Pray and ask God to help you create a culture of forgiveness in your home. Talk with your spouse about what this can look like practically in your home. 

APPLICATION QUESTIONS

1. What are some ways you’ve “charged” for forgiveness from your spouse in the past? 
2. How can you remember that you and your spouse will both always need Jesus? 
3. What do you want forgiveness to look like practically in your home? 
4. Is there anything you need to forgive your spouse for today? Go to God and ask him to help you with that.