“40 Days of Love” in American Sign Language

Scripture: 1 John 4:19

“We love because he first loved us.” (1 John 4:19 NIV)

The Bible says in 1 John 4:19, “We love because [God] first loved us” (NIV). God is always first in everything. He takes the initiative. The only reason you can love God or anybody else is because God first loved you. And he showed that love by sending Jesus Christ to Earth to die for you. He showed that love by creating you. He showed that love by giving you everything you have in life. We love because God first loved us. 

If you want to learn how to love other people, you’ve got to first understand and feel how much God loves you. When you feel that unconditional love, you’ll start cutting people a lot of slack. You won’t be as angry as you’ve been in the past. You’re going to be more patient. You’re going to be more forgiving. You’re going to be more merciful. You’re going to show other people grace. 

The reason why you see people who are judgmental, sarcastic, angry, self-righteous, and always putting other people down is because they’re putting themselves down. They don’t feel good about themselves. They don’t feel loved. They don’t feel forgiven. They don’t feel grace. They feel guilty. They feel bad about themselves. And if they feel bad about themselves, they certainly don’t want you feeling good about you. 

Maybe you’re one of those people. Maybe you’ve been hurt by parents or peers, or partners. Maybe you’ve been abused or misused or rejected or abandoned or betrayed. You’ve got some scars on your heart. 

You cannot give to others what you have not received yourself. Unlovely people are unloved people. Hurt people hurt people. If you’re filled with anger and impatience, and you don’t feel loved, guess what? You’re not going to be able to love anybody else. You must learn how much God loves you and let it heal your heart so his love can flow through you. It is impossible to love others until you really feel loved yourself. 

The Bible says, “We know and rely on the love God has for us” (1 John 4:16a). Do you know the love of God? Do you rely on the love of God for you? You will have a hard time loving other people until you have God’s love coming through you. 

Talk It Over

Would you say that you love others with the love of God? How do you show that love to others? 

Why would understanding God’s love help you show grace to others? 

What hurt from your past is keeping you from accepting God’s love and showing it to others?

Scripture: Deuteronomy 30:20

“You can make this choice by loving the Lord your God, obeying him, and committing yourself firmly to him.” (Deuteronomy 30:20 NLT)

Today we’ve bought into this myth that love is uncontrollable and just kind of happens to you. 

In fact, even the language we use implies that we can’t control how we love. We say, “I fell in love” — like it was a ditch! I was just walking along one day, and — bam! — I fell in love. I just couldn’t help myself. But is that really love? 

Attraction and arousal are uncontrollable — no doubt about it. But attraction and arousal are not love. They can lead to love, but they are not love. 

Love is a choice. 

During a wedding ceremony, a man and a woman stand before each other and say their vows. They say to the other person, “I choose you above everybody else in the world, and I choose you for the rest of my life.” They make a public statement of their choice — that’s a commitment. 

You can’t force somebody to fall in love with you, and you can’t force him or her to stay in love with you. Why? Because love is a choice. Love cannot be forced. This is true of all relationships, including your relationship with God. 

Deuteronomy 30:20 says, “You can make this choice by loving the Lord your God, obeying him, and committing yourself firmly to him” (NLT). You must choose to love God. God isn’t going to force you to love him. You can thumb your nose at God and go a totally different way. You can destroy your life if you want to. God won’t force you to love him because love is a choice. 

What will you choose to do? 

Talk It Over

Why do you think God made love a choice? 

How do you show someone that you have chosen to love him or her? How do you show God that you have chosen to love him? 

What about your life shows that you have made a commitment to God to love him?

Scripture: Revelation 2:4-5

“You have abandoned the love you had at first. Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first.” (Revelation 2:4-5 ESV)

Love is an action, not just an emotion. Love is something you do. 

It’s easy to love somebody who loves you, isn’t it? It takes nothing at all. But real love acts and does the loving thing when people don’t deserve it, when they don’t respond, or when you don’t feel it. Actually, acting in love when you don’t feel it is the highest form of love. It’s a more mature love when you act loving toward a person who does not respond the same way. 

Have you also noticed that it’s easier to act your way into a feeling than it is to feel your way into an action? Some of you have been in marriages for a long time, and the truth is, the flame has gone out. The thrill is gone. You’re living separate lives in the same house. How do you rekindle that romance? How do you rekindle the feeling of love? 

You act your way into a feeling. You may say, “I don’t feel like acting loving toward them.” So what? If you start acting in love, I guarantee you the feelings will follow — because feelings follow behavior. 

In Revelation 2:4-5, Jesus says to the Church, “You have abandoned the love you had at first. Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first” (ESV). 

What Jesus told the Church is the same principle for renewing love in a marriage or any other relationship. You remember, repent, and do the things you did at first. The reason the love went away is you stopped doing the things that created the love in the early days. 

God doesn’t want you to live by your feelings. He wants you to live by faith. So you know what he does? Sometimes he lets the feelings go away. Then you have to love by faith and live by faith. When you love somebody and do the loving thing, even when he’s not responding and even maybe when he’s retaliating, you are loving by faith. That is an action. 

Talk It Over

How do you show your love to the people around you through actions? 

Who is the unloving person around you who needs to see your love demonstrated to him or her through action? 

What “works you did at first” do you need to revive to help grow a relationship?

Scripture: Matthew 22:36-39

“‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. The second most important is similar: ‘Love your neighbor as much as you love yourself.’” (Matthew 22:36-39 LB)

If you want your life to count, you have to focus it. You don’t have time for everything, and not everything is of equal value. 

Matthew 22:36-39 says, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. The second most important is similar: ‘Love your neighbor as much as you love yourself’” (LB). 

Jesus said two things are more valuable in life than anything else: loving God and loving each other. 

Have you ever wondered why God didn’t just take you to Heaven when he created you? Why did he put you on Earth? You’re only here for 100 years at the most, and you’ll live for eternity in Heaven or Hell. Why didn’t God just take everybody to Heaven? 

The Bible is very clear that God put you here on Earth to do two things: learn to love God and love other people. Life is not about acquisition, accomplishment, or achievement. It’s not about all the things the world tells you it’s about. You’re not taking your career to Heaven. You’re not taking your car to Heaven. You’re not taking your house to Heaven. But you are taking your character. You’re taking you. 

God put you on Earth for 80 to 100 years so you can learn to love him with all your heart and learn to love others. Life is one giant lesson in love. 

Talk It Over

What are the things you need to stop focusing on so that you have more time to show love to others? 

How are you making the most of your time on Earth? How much time do you spend learning how to love like Christ? 

If someone looked at your life, what would he or she say are the most important things to you?

Scripture: Colossians 3:14

“Love is more important than anything else. It is what ties everything completely together.” (Colossians 3:14 CEV)

Do you want to know how to best spend your life? Here it is: The best use of your life is love. 

God says you need to make learning how to love your primary objective, your greatest ambition, and your life purpose. Why does he say that? There are four reasons why love is more important than anything else. Today we’re going to look at the first two. 

1. Love validates your faith.

The reason why God wants you to learn to love is that he wants you to become like him. The Bible says in 1 John 4:20, “If we say we love God, but hate others, we are liars. For we cannot love God, whom we have not seen, if we do not love others, whom we have seen” (TEV). Love validates your faith. It proves you really are a child of God. 

2. Love integrates your life.

There are a lot of things that you can make your dominant life principle. But you need something at the center of your life so strong that it won’t fall apart when the trials come — when the road ends, the emotional earthquakes hit, and the financial hurricanes stir. When all of the tribulations of life batter you, you better have something at the center of your life that will hold you together, or you’ll come apart. 

The Bible says the only thing strong enough to do that is love — love for God and love for each other. When love becomes the center of your life, it brings everything else into focus. 

Colossians 3:14 says, “Love is more important than anything else. It is what ties everything completely together” (CEV). 

Talk It Over

What ambitions get in the way of making love your greatest ambition? 

How can you make love the center of your life? How can it serve as a stronghold for you? 

In what ways do others identify you as a child of God? Is love one of those ways?

Scripture: 1 Peter 4:8

“Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins.” (1 Peter 4:8 NLT)

The first law for learning how to really love God and other people is that the best use of life is love. There are two more reasons why you need to make learning how to love your life purpose. 

First, love compensates for your sin. The Bible says in 1 Peter 4:8, “Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins”(NLT). 

The love of Jesus Christ covers your sins and gives you the power to let other people off the hook. You’ve been forgiven, and you can forgive others. 

King David from the Bible was not exactly a perfect guy. In fact, he blew it a lot. He lied. He cheated. He stole another guy’s wife. He committed adultery. He even had a guy murdered to cover up his sin! 

But when David blew it, he admitted it quickly and repented. He didn’t always do what was right, but he sought after the Lord and wanted to do what was right. God called David a man after his own heart. 

How could God say that about a man like David? Because it’s more important for you to love God with all your heart than for you to be perfect. Do you love God with all your heart? Do you love your neighbor as yourself? Doing so will cover a multitude of sins. 

Second, love reverberates forever. 

You need to learn that what matters right now are relationships. In fact, the Bible says life without love is worthless and wasted: “No matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love” (1 Corinthians 13:3 MSG). 

So why do relationships get the short end of the stick? If we know it’s really about love, why don’t we have time for the people we love? Because we’re busy. We give first-class allegiance to second-class causes and start skimming on our relationships. 

But nothing can take the place of love. Life is not about achievement or balanced schedules, or recognition. It’s about love. Don’t let busyness cause you to forget that. 

Talk It Over

What does it mean to love God with “all your heart”? 

In what ways have your relationships suffered because of busyness? 

God’s love will cover your sin, but what do you need to repent of to truly seek after God’s heart?

Scripture: 1 John 3:18

“We must show love through actions that are sincere, not through empty words.” (1 John 3:18 GW)

We all have different amounts of energy, wealth, and talent, but we all have the exact same amount of time: 168 hours a week. You can always get more money, but you can’t get more time. You only have a certain amount of allotted days, so you have to decide: What is your time worth? 

The most valuable thing you can give someone is your attention because when you give attention to somebody, you’re saying, “You matter to me. You are valuable. You are worth listening to. You are worth my time.” 

Jesus said that the essence of relationships is not what we do for each other or the things we give to each other. The essence of true, loving relationships is how much we give of ourselves to another person. 

The second law of love is this: The best expression of love is time. 

The Bible says in 1 John 3:18, “We must show love through actions that are sincere, not through empty words” (GW). 

I can’t tell you how many husbands and dads I’ve talked to who’ve said, “I don’t get it, Rick. I give my family everything they need. I’m a good provider. We live a very comfortable life. What more do they want?” 

I’ll tell you what they want: They want you! 

Only you can give them your time. Nothing can compensate for time — no amount of gifts, money, or clothes. Kids don’t need things; they need parents. Another video game is not the answer. They need you! 

How do you find more time for the people who love you and that you need to love? 

Let me give you one suggestion: Turn off the TV and the computer. It’s always amazed me that people will watch reruns of “Friends” instead of making friends or watch reality shows about somebody else’s family instead of working on the reality of their own family. 

Ephesians 5:2 says, “Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma to God” (NLT). 

Love means giving up. It means I give up my agenda for your agenda. It means I give up my time for your time. It means I give up my preference for your preference. It means I give up what I’d rather do right now to do what you’d rather do right now. That is a sacrifice. That is love. 

Talk It Over

What are some of the ways you can show love to your family and friends this week by giving your time? 

What changes do you need to make in your schedule so that you have more time to demonstrate your love through action? 

What have you learned about love from following the example of Christ?

Scripture: Proverbs 3:27-28

“Whenever you possibly can, do good to those who need it. Never tell your neighbor to wait until tomorrow if you can help them now.” (Proverbs 3:27-28 GN)

The best time to love is now — not tomorrow. Not later. Not someday. Not one of these days. Not when you get around to it. Not soon. Now. 

I don’t understand all these people who say, “I’m going to save all my money, and when I die, I’m going to give it away to charity.” 

Why do that? Why not enjoy giving? Why not get the joy of giving by doing it now? Whatever you’re going to give of yourself, give it now! 

Years ago, we received a check at Saddleback from a couple who knew we needed to upgrade our worship center from analog to digital and replace equipment that was more than 15 years old. The check was for half a million dollars, and it had a note with it that said, “It’d be great to have some new carpet, too.” 

Those people got a whole lot more joy out of giving now rather than after they’re dead. This is why I say, “Do your givin’ while you’re livin,’ then you’re knowin’ where it’s goin.’” And it will give you joy! 

The Bible says, “Whenever you possibly can, do good to those who need it. Never tell your neighbor to wait until tomorrow if you can help them now” (Proverbs 3:27-28 GN). 

Never procrastinate in showing love. Don’t delay. Don’t put it off. Do it now. 

Talk It Over

What do you need to do today to show love to someone in your life? 

What are the distractions or excuses that keep you from loving well now? 

What is it that God is asking you to give now that you have put off?

Scripture: John 6:37

“The Father gives me the people who are mine. Every one of them will come to me, and I will always accept them.” (John 6:37 NCV)

Followers of Jesus ought to be the most accepting people in the world. John 6:37 says, “The Father gives me the people who are mine. Every one of them will come to me, and I will always accept them” (NCV). 

You may have accepted Christ into your life, but do you understand that he’s accepted you? He doesn’t love you because of who you are or what you’ve done but because of who he is. 

Titus 3:7 says, “Jesus treated us much better than we deserve. He made us acceptable to God and he gave us the hope of eternal life” (CEV). How does he make you acceptable? It’s not that you changed or got any better. It’s not that you never sin. It’s by his grace alone. 

God wants you to show grace and acceptance to others, but most people don’t know the difference between acceptance and approval. They are very, very different. Jesus Christ accepts you completely, but that doesn’t mean he approves of everything you do. 

One day Jesus was walking down the street when some religious leaders who were trying to trap him brought a woman to him who had been caught in adultery. Jesus looked at all the accusers and said, “Anybody who has never sinned, you get to throw the first stone.” And, of course, they all walked away. 

What did Jesus do? He gave acceptance, not approval. He didn’t approve of what she had done, but he accepted the woman and restored her dignity. 

That’s what you need to do with the people around you. You don’t have to go around approving of everything everybody does. But you do have to accept them because that is a mark of love. 

The Bible says in Romans 15:7, “Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you” (NIV). 

How do you do that? One of the ways you can show acceptance to other people is to listen to them. Love pays attention. Love listens to the fears and doubts of others and treats them with respect. Love accepts others the way Jesus accepts you. 

Talk It Over

How does understanding God has accepted you change how you view others and their choices? 

What about your past or personality keeps you from fully embracing God’s acceptance? 

How can you show love to others of whom you do not approve?

Scripture: 1 Peter 2:17

“Treat everyone you meet with dignity.” (1 Peter 2:17 MSG)

Loving like Jesus means you must value others the way Jesus values you. 

You are a child of the king. God created you, and Christ gave his life for you. The Bible says in 1 Peter 1:19, “The ransom he paid was not mere gold or silver. It was the precious blood of Christ” (NLT). How much are you worth? Look at the cross. Jesus was willing to die for you. God was willing to give his Son for you. That’s how valuable you are. 

Jesus wants you to give that kind of value to everybody else — even the people you can’t stand. Christ says, “I love them this much (arms spread wide on the cross). So I expect you, my child, to love these people the same way I love them because I died for them, not just you. Treat them the same way I treat them. Value them the way I value them.” 

The Bible says, “Treat everyone you meet with dignity” (1 Peter 2:17 MSG). 

How do you do that? One way you treat others with dignity is by looking at them, giving them your attention, and listening to them. 

One of my favorite verses in the Bible is Mark 10:21. Jesus was walking down the street, and a young entrepreneur came up to him and asked him a question. Jesus responded that he “looked at him and loved him” (NIV). He looked, and he loved. You can’t love without looking! 

When your waitress serves you or the grocery store cashier tries to speak with you, and you don’t give them your attention, you’re not being very loving. Love looks, and love listens. 

Think of and even write down the name of someone you know with low self-esteem. Then, determine this week to show acceptance to that person and affirm his or her value to you and to God. When everybody else treats that person like an outcast or like she doesn’t matter, you can make her feel like she matters because she does. She matters to God, so she should matter to you. 

Talk It Over

Who in your life needs to know that he or she matters to God and to you? 

How would you rate yourself at giving others your undivided attention? What will you do to improve in this area? 

Make a point today to give your attention to someone you might normally overlook. What is that person’s reaction?

Scripture: Romans 1:12

“Help each other with the faith we have. Your faith will help me, and my faith will help you.” (Romans 1:12 NCV)

There are people all around you with low self-esteem because everybody has insecurities. 

In fact, studies have shown that the younger you are when you first experience rejection, the more serious implications it has in your life. It’s almost like a curse when people say, “You’re not going to amount to anything. You don’t matter.” 

How do you reverse a curse? You start believing what Jesus says about you instead of what others say about you. The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 13:7, “If you love someone, you will be loyal to him no matter what the cost. You will always believe in him, always expect the best of him, and always stand your ground in defending him”(LB). 

Jesus wants you to believe in others the way he believes in you. Jesus affirmed people around him. When he looked at people, he saw their potential and what God intended them to be. He brought out the best in people not by labeling them but by saying, “I believe you can do it. I know you can do it.” 

Look at this series of verses: 

“If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you” (Matthew 17:20 NIV). 

“Everything is possible for one who believes” (Mark 9:23b). 

“Then Jesus told them, ‘I tell you the truth, if you have faith and don’t doubt, you can do things like this and much more” (Matthew 21:21 NLT). 

“I tell you the truth, anyone who believes in me will do the same works I have done, and even greater works, because I am going to be with the Father” (John 14:12). 

How is that possible? When Jesus Christ was physically on Earth, he could only be in one place at one time. Now, Jesus puts the Holy Spirit in me and you and anyone who believes in Jesus Christ as Savior. Jesus believes you can do great works because you have the Holy Spirit in you. He believes in you! 

Jesus wants you to believe in others, too, and express to them the potential you see in them to do great things for God. 

“Help each other with the faith we have. Your faith will help me, and my faith will help you” (Romans 1:12 NCV). 

Talk It Over

What insecurities keep you from believing in yourself the way Jesus believes in you? 

In what ways can you express to others that you believe in them? 

How can you increase your faith to reach the potential Christ sees in you? How can you help others increase their faith?

Scripture: Proverbs 16:21

A wise, mature person is known for his understanding. The more pleasant his words, the more persuasive he is.” (Proverbs 16:21 TEV)

Have you noticed how many difficult people there are in the world? Do you feel like you have to deal with most of them some days? 

You know what rude acts bug me the most? People who call me and then say, “Who is this?” People who honk their horns in traffic jams. People who cheat in the 10-items-or-less grocery line. People who steal your parking spot. 

The list goes on, and I’m sure you can relate. So, how should we respond in love to difficult people? 

Proverbs 16:21 says, “A wise, mature person is known for his understanding. The more pleasant his words, the more persuasive he is” (TEV). 

The more pleasant you are, the more persuasive you are. And you’re never persuasive when you’re abrasive. Nagging doesn’t work. 

The way you say something determines the way it’s received. If you say something offensively, it’s going to be received defensively. That’s why love is all about your words. Love is truthful, but it is also tactful. 

Tact and tone always go together. It matters the way you say something, not just what you say. You can say something very difficult for someone to hear, but if you say it in the right tone — a loving tone — it will be received much better. 

A loving response to a difficult person requires being pleasant and tactful. If you want to be below that difficult person, attack him. If you want to be even with him, get even with him. But if you want to respond the way Jesus would show that person love with the words you say and the way you say them. 

Talk It Over

You may have heard the saying, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” Do you think the best response to a difficult person is ever to just walk away? Why or why not? 

What would you need to change about your attitude to be known as a “wise, mature person”? 

What does it mean to be tactful?

Scripture: Proverbs 19:11

“A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.”(Proverbs 19:11 NIV)

There are people in life who always want their way. They’ve got a right and wrong way to do something, and your way is always the wrong way. When you don’t meet their standards, they’re going to let you know about it. And it always seems you can never quite please them. 

So, how do you respond in love to demanding people? 

The Bible tells us that patience comes from perspective: “A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense” (Proverbs 19:11 NIV). The more you understand a person — his background, battles, and burdens — the more patient you’re going to be with him. 

We often look at people and go, “Look how far they have to go.” But we don’t stop and say, “I wonder how far they’ve come?” Maybe they were raised in a family where they had no model of kindness or courtesy. Maybe they grew up in a very dysfunctional home, and it’s a miracle, really, that they made it this far. 

What are the burdens they’re carrying? They may be sick. They may have a family issue. They may have just lost their job. People carry all kinds of battles and burdens that you and I don’t know about. 

Proverbs 19:11 tells us to overlook offenses. Do you overlook offenses, or are you offended by offenses? Are you so touchy and irritable that anybody who looks at you funny, forgets to say something, or doesn’t see you offends you? Love lets it go. 

The Bible says, “Do to others as you would have them do to you” (Luke 6:31). Love is understanding, not demanding — and it’s what you would want others to do to you when you’re having a bad day or don’t feel well or are carrying heavy burdens. 

Does that mean you’re just supposed to let people run over you? Do you just let them push you around? Do you act like a doormat, cave in, and let them say whatever they want? 

No. Here’s the key: Be tender without surrender. Jesus never caved in to manipulators — the religious leaders and Pharisees who were extremely demanding and legalistic. They had all kinds of demands that they themselves couldn’t even keep. But Jesus did not let demanding people push him into a corner. He was tender without surrender. That’s what you call love in action. 

Talk It Over

Spend today considering what people around you might be struggling with, or even take the time to ask them. How does it change your perspective? Your attitude? Your response to others? 

Why do you think it’s so hard for us to “let it go”? Why do we have to have the last word? 

What would need to change about your response to people to be tender without surrender?

Scripture: Galatians 6:1

“Brothers and sisters, if someone in your group does something wrong, you who are spiritual should go to that person and gently help make him right again. But be careful, because you might be tempted to sin, too.” (Galatians 6:1 NCV)

Everybody in your life is going to disappoint you at some point. Why? Because nobody’s perfect! 

So how do you deal with disappointing people? How does love respond when people disappoint us? 

The Bible says in Galatians 6:1, “Brothers and sisters, if someone in your group does something wrong, you who are spiritual should go to that person and gently help make him right again. But be careful, because you might be tempted to sin, too”(NCV). 

The loving response to people who disappoint you is to be gentle, not judgmental. 

How do you have tough conversations with people in a gentle way? How do you confront people you love when you see they’re doing something they shouldn’t be doing? The Bible tells us to do it gently and with respect, not harshly or in a rude or mean way. 

Here’s a little equation to keep in mind: Right + Rude = Wrong. 

It doesn’t matter if you’re right. If you’re rude about it, nobody will care what you have to say. They’re just going to get defensive! So you should respond gently and lovingly if you want to get through to someone who has disappointed you. 

Proverbs 15:4 says, “Gentle words are a tree of life; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit” (NLT). 

We always have a choice how we speak to somebody — especially with our kids. Have you found how deeply hurtful words can wound a child? You can scar them for years. But the Bible says that kind words are words that will heal and help. So when your kids mess up, don’t get on their case and tell them whatever you think they are at the moment. Give them a vision of how things could be! Speak words of life, health, and hope into them, not harsh words of judgment. Be gentle. 

It’s the same way in our marriages. How many marriage problems could be avoided if we just waited a beat and used gentle and kind words, not harsh or vindictive? We need to learn to cut each other some slack and be kind and gentle in our speech and responses. 

Talk It Over

What is your typical response when dealing with someone when you know you were right about the situation? 

If you were to evaluate your daily speech, how much of it would you say is gentle? 

Think of a time when someone disappointed you. How would a gentle response have diffused the problem and affected the outcome for the better?

Scripture: Mark 11:25

“Whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him and let it drop (leave it, let it go), in order that your Father Who is in heaven may also forgive you your own failings and shortcomings and let them drop.” (Mark 11:25 AMP)

When people hurt us, we have two natural tendencies: remember and retaliate. 

But that’s not what 1 Corinthians 13:5 tells us to do: “Love keeps no record of being wronged” (NLT). 

So how should you respond to the people who have hurt you? How do you handle all those wounds and hurts you’ve stockpiled in your memory? 

You don’t repeat them; you delete them. Let it go. Forgive, and get on with your life. 

When we get hurt, we tend to repeat that hurt in three ways: emotionally in our minds, relationally as a weapon, and practically by telling other people. 

First, we repeat it by going over and over it in our minds. But resentment is self-destructive. It only perpetuates the pain. It never heals. It never solves anything. Whatever you think about most is what you move toward. If all you think about is how much you’ve been hurt in the past, you’ll only move toward the past. But if you focus on the future, you move toward the future. If you focus on the potential, you move toward the potential. 

Second, we repeat our hurt in relationships. We use it as wedges and weapons. “Remember when you did that?” “But you did this!” 

The Bible says in Proverbs 17:9, “Love forgets mistakes. Nagging about them parts the best of friends” (LB). It also parts marriages and every other relationship you have. Nagging doesn’t work. 

Third, we repeat our hurt by telling it to other people. It’s called gossip! We tell everybody else except God and the person with whom we have the problem. 

Did you know that God hates gossip? He hates it as much as he hates pride because that’s what gossip is. Gossip is pure and simple ego — trying to make ourselves look and feel better. Every time you share gossip, you are being prideful, and God hates pride and gossip. 

Love keeps no record of wrongs. Love doesn’t repeat a wound so that it turns into resentment or gossip or pride. Love responds to hurt by letting it go. 

“Whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him and let it drop (leave it, let it go), in order that your Father Who is in heaven may also forgive you your own failings and shortcomings and let them drop” (Mark 11:25 AMP). 

Talk It Over

What hurt have you rehearsed over and over in your mind that you need to let go of today? 

Why do you think it’s easier to nag about a mistake rather than forgive it? Is it really easier in the long run? 

What do you need to change about the way you respond to gossip?

Scripture: Proverbs 10:12

“Hate stirs up trouble, but love forgives all offenses.” (Proverbs 10:12 TEV)

Proverbs 10:12 says, “Hate stirs up trouble, but love forgives all offenses” (TEV). Which of the “all” have you not let go? Which of the offenses in your life are you still holding on to? 

Maybe as a child, you were hurt by an adult — a teacher, a family member, maybe even your parents. The Bible says there will be severe judgment for child abuse, neglect, and abandonment; one day, God will settle the score. When God says, “Honor your father and mother,” he’s not saying honor their sins, selfishness, or poor decisions. He’s not saying ignore the pain in your life and put on a happy face and pretend everything’s great. 

So what does God expect? How does he expect you to love the destructive people who’ve hurt you? 

He doesn’t expect you to ignore it. He doesn’t expect you to pretend it doesn’t exist. He’s not asking you to gloss over it, deny it, repress it, or make excuses for the people who’ve hurt you. 

God doesn’t want you to fake it; he wants you to face it because you can’t forgive until you face it. You’ve got to stop running, and you’ve got to stop blaming. 

If you’re going to become the loving woman or man that God wants you to be, you’re going to have to deal now with the destruction someone’s caused in your past. If you’re still angry with a parent or anybody else, you’re still allowing that person to control you. 

Don’t allow that anymore. You’ve got to deal with the anger. You’ve got to face it before you can forgive it. 

The Bible says in Proverbs 19:11, “When someone wrongs you, it is a great virtue to ignore it.” But you can’t ignore it until you face it and forgive it! Then you can let it go. Love lets it go. 

We know that “love keeps no record of being wronged” (1 Corinthians 13:5 NLT). I don’t know who you need to forgive, but I do know today’s the day. Love lets it go. Love forgives. Because they deserve it? No. Because it’s what God did for you, and it’s the only way to be free. 

Talk It Over

Who are the people in your life who have hurt you, and who do you need to forgive? 

What does forgiveness change about the hurt that happened? What does it change about you? Your future? 

How does Proverbs 19:11 change how you will react to hurt in the future?

Scripture: Proverbs 29:11

“Fools vent their anger, but the wise quietly hold it back.” (Proverbs 29:11 NLT)

If you want to tame your temper, you must resolve to manage it. 

You have to quit saying, “I can’t control it!” and realize that you can. Just like love, anger is a choice. When you get angry, you choose to get angry. Nobody is forcing you to get angry. People say, “You make me so mad!” But nobody can make you mad without your permission. Anger is a choice; you must control it if you want to be a loving person. 

You have far more control over your anger than you may want to admit. Let me give you an example. 

Let’s say you’re at home and you’re in an argument with somebody in your family. Your voices are raised, you’re getting excited, and you’re upset. All of a sudden, the phone rings, and you answer sweetly, “Hello? Oh, yes! It’s for you, honey!” 

What happened? You didn’t want to be embarrassed or have to explain, so you quickly flipped your anger off. Anger is highly controllable! 

The Bible says in Proverbs 29:11, “Fools vent their anger, but the wise quietly hold it back” (NLT). Do you want to be a foolish person or a wise person? How you respond to a situation is your responsibility and yours alone. Anger is a choice. 

The time to decide to manage your anger is not when your blood pressure is rising, your adrenaline is shooting into your system, you can feel the flush in your face, and your muscles tense. 

You’ve already lost the battle at that point. 

Resolve to manage your anger in advance — before you go into that meeting or open the front door to home at the end of the day. You decide, “Today, I’m just not going to get angry. I’m not going to let it get to me.” You manage your anger by first resolving — deciding in advance — that you’re going to hold back your anger. 

Talk It Over

What are some strategies you can use or have used to keep your anger in check? 

What is a better way to respond to a situation that makes you angry? How can you get your message across without being foolish? 

What do you think is the loving way to respond to someone who cannot control his or her anger?

Scripture: Proverbs 11:29

“The fool who provokes his family to anger and resentment will finally have nothing worthwhile left.” (Proverbs 11:29a LB)

When you remember the cost of uncontrolled anger, you will be more motivated to manage it. You’re less likely to get angry if you realize that there’s always a price to anger. 

How many of the verses below can you relate to? 

“Hot tempers cause arguments” (Proverbs 15:18a GN). 

“Anger causes mistakes” (Proverbs 14:29b LB). 

“A hot-tempered man starts fights and gets into all kinds of trouble” (Proverbs 29:22). 

How about this one? “The fool who provokes his family to anger and resentment will finally have nothing worthwhile left” (Proverbs 11:29a LB). 

You always lose when you lose your temper. You may lose your reputation, the respect of others, your job, a sale, or the love of your family. You can even lose your health. Your body was not designed to handle anger. God didn’t mean for you to carry it around inside of you. When you do, you get sick. There are plenty of people who could leave the hospital today if they weren’t carrying around in their hearts guilt, resentment, or anger. 

There is always a cost to anger. 

We often use anger to get people to do something. Why? Because it works — in the short term. Parents, in particular, learn pretty quickly that you can scare kids into doing something by getting angry with them. But the long-term effects are devastating. In the long run, there are always three price tags for anger: more anger, apathy, and alienation. 

That’s what’s happened with a lot of our kids, particularly teenagers. They think, “I can’t please my parents; they’re always angry,” so they become apathetic. 

And if you keep getting angry, pretty soon, they’ll move toward alienation to protect themselves. Then, the relationship is broken. 

Nothing destroys relationships faster than anger. You have the choice of whether you’re going to get angry with someone. Before you choose, consider the cost. Is it worth it? 

Talk It Over

What do you think people hope to gain by getting angry? 

How has anger affected your relationships? What has it cost you? 

How has anger affected your health? How is resentment or unresolved anger taking a toll on you mentally, emotionally, and physically?

Scripture: Proverbs 29:11

“Stupid people express their anger openly, but sensible people are patient and hold it back.” (Proverbs 29:11 GNT)

Have you noticed you can’t put your foot in your mouth when it’s closed? 

Proverbs 29:11 says, “Stupid people express their anger openly, but sensible people are patient and hold it back” (GNT). One of the best tools for anger management is delay. Just wait a minute! Don’t respond right away to that email that upset you. When someone says something mean to you, walk away if you have to. 

This verse is basically the biblical basis for the term “Chill out!” When you start to get angry, give yourself time to chill out. Take time to think and reflect. Delay is a great remedy to anger. 

What do you do during the delay? There are three questions you need to ask when you’re reflecting before reacting: 

“Why am I angry?” The problem is not your anger. Anger is a symptom. Anger is the warning light. 

“What do I really want?” What is it that you’re not getting? What is the need that’s being unfulfilled in your life? 

“How can I get it?” How can you get what you want from what’s irritating you? I guarantee you that blowing up and losing your cool is not the best way to get what you want. 

When something ticks you off or makes you mad, the Bible says to first resolve to manage it, then remember the cost of losing your temper, and then reflect before reacting. 

Talk It Over

What character traits or features do you notice about people who are easily angered? 

What do you think you should do with your answer to the question, “How can I get what I really want?” 

How could remembering the cost of anger help you reflect before reacting?

Scripture: Romans 12:2

“Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.” (Romans 12:2 NLT)

The way you express your anger is a learned response. You didn’t just automatically choose it; somebody modeled it for you. Anger response is a learned response. 

The good news is you can unlearn it. You don’t have to stay that way. You can learn new patterns and habits. You don’t have to keep perpetuating what your parents and their parents and their parents did. Every time you get angry in an inappropriate way, you’re modeling it for your kids. You’re teaching them how to do it the wrong way, and they’re going to teach their kids how to do it the wrong way. Somebody has to stop the cycle! 

The Bible says in Romans 12:2, “Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think” (NLT). What’s the behavior of this world? Repress, express, and suppress. 

Television and movies are filled with violent responses to people who are frustrated, hurt, or feel out of control. Kids learn from the models they observe. You don’t want to teach your kids the wrong ways to be angry. 

The key to learning a new way to handle anger is in Romans 12:2: “changing the way you think.”

If you want to change the way you act, you don’t focus on the behavior. You don’t even go back to the way you feel. You start by changing the way you think. When you change your mental process, it’s going to change the way you feel, and it’s going to change your behavior. You will be “transformed by the renewing of your mind.” 

That’s what God does for you. He’s the one who can change the destructive thought patterns in your mind and transform you into a new person. 

Talk It Over

What patterns do you see in your family that have affected the way you respond to difficult situations? 

How can you better model for your kids or others how to respond to people in loving ways? 

In what other ways do you want God to transform you into a “new person”?

Scripture: Matthew 12:34

“Whatever is in your heart determines what you say.” (Matthew 12:34b NLT)

A problem with anger isn’t going to be solved by a trip to the doctor, an episode of “Dr. Phil,” or a self-help book. The real secret to managing anger is God’s power to change you on the inside. Romans 15:5 says, “May the patience and encouragement that come from God allow you to live in harmony with each other the way Christ Jesus wants” (NCV). 

How does God help you with your bad habit of anger? He goes straight to the heart of the problem, which is a problem in the heart. Anger doesn’t start in your behavior, background, or feelings. It starts in the heart. 

The Bible says, “Whatever is in your heart determines what you say” (Matthew 12:34b NLT). Our mouths just betray what we’re really like inside. Sometimes I hear people say something really mean or unkind, and then they say, “Oh, I don’t know what got into me. That’s not like me.” 

Oh, yes, it is! Your mouth just reveals what’s in your heart. Someone’s harsh tongue reveals an angry heart. When you meet somebody with a negative tongue, you know he’s got a fearful heart. When someone has a boasting tongue, it reveals an insecure heart. Someone’s judgmental tongue just exposes a guilty heart. Somebody with a filthy tongue has an impure heart. 

On the other hand, if you find somebody who’s always encouraging others, he has a happy heart. If he’s always speaking in a gentle way, you know he’s got a loving heart. If he can control his words, you know he’s got a peaceful heart. 

Are you satisfied with the words that naturally come out of your mouth? If not, then you need a heart transplant. You need a new heart! David says in Psalm 51:10, “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me” (NIV). 

If your heart is crying out inside, it’s because you haven’t ever fully received the warmth and security of a relationship with Jesus Christ. Jesus can replace a hurting heart with his love. He cares about your pain and will help you heal so that your words give life and reveal your hope in Christ. 

Talk It Over

What kind of speech comes most easily for you? 

How do you want your words to affect other people? What do you need to change for that to happen? 

Think about the people in your life who are natural encouragers. What can you learn from them?

Scripture: 1 Corinthians 13:7

“Love never stops being patient.” (1 Corinthians 13:7a GW)

No relationship will make it without grace. This is part of lasting love! You’ve got to cut people some slack. You’ve got to let things go. 

The Bible says, “Love never stops being patient” (1 Corinthians 13:7a GW). The Message paraphrase of that verse says it “puts up with anything.” The New Century Version says it “patiently accepts all things.” And the New Jerusalem Bible translation says it is “always ready to make allowances.” You have to allow for mistakes. 

The word in Greek that says it’s “always patient” is the word that literally means “covered with a roof.” Would you buy a house without a roof? Of course not. You’d have no protection from the winds and the rain. A roof covers and protects your home. 

In the same way, a patient, gracious love covers a relationship and lets some things slide. Why is this so important? 

Because you’re imperfect, and your spouse is imperfect. You’re imperfect, and your friend is imperfect. Two imperfect people will never create a perfect relationship. There’s no such thing as a perfect marriage or a perfect friendship, so stop trying to find one. 

Romans 3:10 says, “No one always does what is right, not even one.” The Bible also says, “If we say that we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and refusing to accept the truth” (1 John 1:8 LB). 

We have to extend grace to each other because forgiveness is a two-way street. You cannot receive what you are unwilling to give to other people. 

If you’re going to have a love that lasts, you’ve got to learn to make allowances for the mistakes of others. That’s called grace. 

Talk It Over

What is the difference between approving of others’ mistakes and making allowances for their mistakes? 

From whom have you sought forgiveness? Have you also been willing to offer it to that person? 

How can you extend grace practically in your relationships today?

Scripture: Galatians 5:6

“The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.” (Galatians 5:6 NIV)

Lasting love doesn’t just extend grace; it expresses faith. Faith and love are intertwined because love is built on trust. It says, “I believe in you. I trust you. I have confidence in you.” 

You cannot love someone you don’t trust. So if you’re going to love somebody, you have to not only extend him grace; you have to express faith. The Bible says, “Love … never stops believing” (1 Corinthians 13:7b GW). The New International Version says love “always trusts.” The New Living Translation says love “never loses faith.”

To be trusted is the greatest gift you can give somebody. When I was just 25 years old and living in Fort Worth, Texas, God put this crazy idea in my mind. I told Kay, “Honey, I think God wants us to move to Southern California and start a church. Here’s the problem: We don’t have any money, we don’t have any members, we don’t have any buildings, we don’t have any sponsors, I don’t know anybody in this city, and I’ve never been a senior pastor before. What do you think?” 

I’ll never forget what my wife said to me: “It scares me to death. But I believe in God, and I believe in you, so let’s go for it.” 

I’ve often wondered how history would be different if my wife had said, “No. I’m afraid. Let’s not do it.” There would be no Saddleback Church or 20,000 people baptized in the last ten years. There would be no “Purpose Driven Life” or peace Plan. There would be no half a million pastors trained in 162 countries. Our lives would be very different. 

Wives, your husband is dying for you to say, “I trust you.” It is more important than saying, “I love you” because when you say, “I trust you,” you are saying, “I love you” — because love always trusts. 

The Bible says in Galatians 5:6, “The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love” (NIV). Why? Because life is all about learning how to love. Lasting love extends grace and expresses faith. 

Talk It Over

In whom do you need to express trust this week? 

What are ways you can show someone and not just say that you trust him or her? 

What are the fears that keep you from fully trusting in someone you love?

Scripture: 1 Corinthians 13:7

“Love … never stops hoping.” (1 Corinthians 13:7b GW)

Lasting love expects the best. 

It’s forward-looking. It’s optimistic. It’s not stuck in the past. It’s not always looking backward. Lasting love is hopeful. The Bible says, “Love … never stops hoping” (1 Corinthians 13:7 GW). The Living Bible translation says love will “always expect the best.” The Message paraphrase says love “always looks for the best.” The poet Elizabeth Barrett Browning said, “Whoever loves believes in miracles.” 

Have you noticed that people tend to live up to your expectations of them? We shape the people around us by what we expect of them. You set people up all the time. You set your wife up by what you expect of her and what you don’t expect of her. You set your friends up by what you expect and what you don’t expect. 

Whatever you want the people in your life to become, treat them that way — not the way they are. 

Guys, you want your wife to treat you like a king? The solution is real simple: Treat her like a queen. Emphasize the positive. Forget the nagging. Tell it like it is? No. Tell it like it can be. Start expecting the best from each other. 

A family in our church went over to Chili’s after one weekend service. The waitress was very kind and asked their little boy, “Now, what would you like, sir?” After she took his order and walked away, he said, “Mommy, she treated me like I was a human!” 

Love never stops hoping. Love expects the best. 

Talk It Over

How have you seen your high expectations met in others? What about low expectations? 

From whom in your life do you need to expect the best? 

What are the things you hope for in your relationships? Do you expect God to provide those things?