The Unglued Challenge

Scripture: Isaiah 41:13

TIME FOR A NEW SCRIPTI’m sad because of the way I acted today. I’m disappointed in my lack of self-control. And the more I relive my emotionally driven tirade, the more my brain refuses sleep.I have to figure this out. What is my problem? Why can’t I seem to control my reactions?I stuff. I explode. And I don’t know how to get a handle on this. But God help me if I don’t get a handle on this. I will destroy the relationships I value most and weave into my life permanent threads of short-temperedness, shame, fear, and frustration.Is that what I really want? Do I want my headstone to read, “Well, on the days she was nice she was really nice. But on the days she wasn’t, rest assured, hell hath no fury like the woman who lies beneath the ground right here”?No. That’s not what I want. Not at all. I don’t want the script of my life to be written that way.So, at 2:08 a.m., I vow to do better tomorrow. But better proves illusive and my vows wear thin in the face of daily annoyances and other unpleasant realities. Tears slip, and I’m worn out from trying. Always trying.I feel broken. Unglued, actually. I have vowed to do better at 2:08 a.m. and 8:14 a.m. and 3:37 p.m. and 9:49 p.m. and many other minutes in between. So why aren’t things getting better? Why aren’t my reactions tamer?I know what it’s like to praise God one minute and in the next minute yell and scream at my child—and then to feel both the burden of my destructive behavior and the shame of my powerlessness to stop it.The emotional demands keep on coming. Unrelenting insecurity. Wondering if anyone appreciates me. Feeling tired, stressed, and hormonal.Feeling unglued is really all I’ve ever known. And I’m starting to wonder if maybe it’s all I’ll ever be.Those were the defeating thoughts I couldn’t escape. Maybe you can relate. If you relate to my hurt, I pray you will also relate to my hope.While unglued is all I’ve really known, I believe that with God’s help, today my life can be different. That’s my personal revelation of hope. As you take this “Unglued Challenge” for the next 5 days, I hope you’ll see this is a safe place to address our tendencies to stuff, explode, or react somewhere in between.I am both a stuffer and an exploder. And I’ve experienced God’s tender mercies and grace given so many times it almost seems scandalous. How can our God be so patient? I don’t know. But He is.Today, He’s offering us the fresh start our souls desperately need. Our key verse from Isaiah 41 promises He will help us. We can be different. A slate wiped clean. A page crisp-white. A chance to start rewriting the old scripts of past failures.For me. For you. Together. We can do this.PRAYERGod, thank You that this is a new twenty-four hours. Today, I want to believe I can start writing a new script for my life. Help me to overcome the disbelief I have from my past failures. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Scripture: Proverbs 25:28

SELF-CONTROLHave you ever been in a discussion with a loved one when something snarky gets said and suddenly your blood pressure skyrockets, your nerves fray, and the worst version of you begs to come out?Not that this ehhhhhver happens to me, of course. Ahem. Of course, it happens to me. I live with other humans.Whenever any kind of relationship conflict arises, my choice is whether to give the other person power to control my emotions.When I react by yelling or flying off the handle or making a snappy comeback, I basically transfer my power to the other person. When I am void of power, I am void of self-control. So, it seems to me, if I’m going to remain self-controlled, I have to keep my power.Now, when I say “my power,” I don’t mean something I conjure up myself. I am referring to God’s power working in me. When I react according to God’s Word, I feel that power. When I react contrary to God’s Word, I feel powerless.The prophet Isaiah provides a good reminder of what God Himself has said about tapping into His power, no matter what situation we are facing:As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without
 watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower 
and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return
 to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I
sent it. (Isaiah 55:10–11)Did you catch that? The answer to keeping God’s power with me and working in me to produce self-control is letting His Word get inside me. His Word seeping into my mind and my heart will accomplish things—good things, powerful things, things that help me display self-control.So, all that to say, here’s my new tactic: When I’m facing a situation where someone is getting on the last good nerve I have, I’m going to start quoting God’s Word in the present tense. For example, if one of my sweet children starts acting not so sweet, I might say aloud (or silently reply, depending on the situation) words based on 1 Peter 5:6–8:In this moment I’m choosing to be self-controlled and alert. Your actions are begging me to yell and lose control. I do have an enemy, but that enemy is not you. The devil is prowling and roaring and looking to devour me through my own lack of control right now. But I am God’s girl. That’s right, I am. I am going to humbly and quietly let God have His way in me right now. And when I do this, God will lift me and my frayed nerves up from this situation and fill me with a much better reaction than what I can give you right now. So, give me just a few minutes and then we’ll calmly talk about this.Girl, that’s some power right there.And it will make you shine with so much self-control that your kids, your friends, your spouse, your coworkers won’t know what to do with you.Can you imagine what might happen if we wrote out powerful responses from God’s Word on three-by-five cards and pulled them out every time we found ourselves in a situation?Take the first step by starting with one of the verses we’ve looked at today. Tuck that card away in your purse or place it someplace where you will see it frequently.I love being God’s girl. Don’t you?PRAYERDear Lord, thank You that Your Word applies to so many areas of my life. Sometimes I really struggle with self-control and I need Your power to help me react in a graceful, godly way. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Scripture: James 3:17

PRETENDING I’M FINE, PROVING I’M RIGHT

If someone says something or does something that hurts me, what is the godly response? Is it to pretend that everything is fine so I can keep the peace? Or is it to confront the person to prove how wrong she is?

Neither.

If ever I catch myself pretending or proving, I know I’m processing my hurt the wrong way.

The right way is approaching this situation with soul integrity—responding in a way that’s not only honest but peacemaking. James 3:17 says, “But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure (honest); then peace-loving… ” Yes, I want this kind of wisdom, this soul integrity.

I want to be honest and peacemaking at the same time. But how?

Real honesty. Not all honest expressions of my feelings are real honesty. You see, my honest feelings may not be truthful assessments of the situation. I can be honest with how I feel and still exaggerate or misinterpret what is true. I can feel justified in being blatant about my feelings—not hiding a thing—and prideful for being so real, all under the guise of being honest enough not to stuff.

But in reality, honesty that isn’t true isn’t honesty at all. It may just be emotional spewing. That’s why we need peacemaking honesty—honesty reined in by the Holy Spirit—if we’re going to have authentic soul integrity.

So, if I want real honesty, I have to ask the Holy Spirit to show me real truth. I need to see things from the other person’s perspective. I need to ask questions of that person with the desire to better understand instead of throwing out statements of accusation. Ultimately, my goal should be to add peacemaking to my honesty.

Real peacemaking. At the same time, it must also grieve God to see plastic versions of peacemaking that aren’t reined in by honesty. That’s what we do when we stuff and pretend everything is okay.

The upside of stuffing is that we have the semblance of peacemakers. But when we do so at the expense of honesty, we harbor a corrosive bitterness that will eventually emerge. Either it will erode our health and later present itself in a host of emotional and physical anxiety-induced illnesses, or it will accumulate over time and surprise everyone when the peacemaker eventually erupts. Saying, “I’m fine,” to keep the peace, when we’re really not fine, isn’t honest.

Sometimes dishonesty comes in the form of saying things that aren’t true. But it’s also dishonest when we fail to say things that are true. It may seem godly in the moment, but it’s false godliness.

Truth and godliness always walk hand in hand. The minute we divorce one from the other, we stray from soul integrity and give a foothold to the instability that inevitably leads to coming unglued.

Yes, we’re after soul integrity—honesty that is also peacemaking that leads to godliness.

This soul integrity brings balance to unglued reactions. It makes us true peacemakers — people who aren’t proving or pretending but rather honestly demonstrating what they are experiencing in a godly manner. And being a true peacemaker reaps a harvest of great qualities in our lives: right things, godly things, healthy things.

PRAYERDear Lord, through You I am able to bring all my exploding and stuffing under Your authority and truth. Thank You for Your Holy Spirit who gives me the wisdom to move beyond my reactions. Help me lean on You. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Scripture: Ephesians 6:19

THE SECRET TO CONFLICT RESOLUTIONThe e-mail I received said this in the subject line: “Shame on you.”I don’t have to tell you the tone of the rest of that e-mail. Let’s just say, it didn’t make me smile. This woman misunderstood something I’d done and she wanted to make sure I felt the depth of her anger. I did. It hurt. And I wanted to go on the attack against this woman attacking me.But the secret to healthy conflict resolution isn’t taking a you-against-me stance. The secret is realizing it’s all of us against Satan—he’s the real enemy.This is hard to do when all we see is that flesh-and-blood person standing there who, quite honestly, is planted squarely on the last good nerve we have left.This moment may seem like the perfect time to set our Christianity on the shelf. In actuality though, a moment of conflict handled the right way is hands-down one of the grandest opportunities we have to shame Satan back to hell. A Jesus girl who rises up and unexpectedly gives grace when she surely could have done otherwise, reveals the power and the mystery of Christ at work—in her life and in the world.That’s why the apostle Paul ends Ephesians 6 by making a specific statement about words—how he wants to use them and the impact he wants them to have. After explaining that Satan is our real enemy, reminding us to put on our spiritual armor each day, and reiterating the absolute necessity of prayer, Paul says one more thing: “Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel” (Ephesians 6:19).The placement of this verse is crucial and intentional.After we remember who the real enemy is—and that the person who hurt us is not our enemy—we must carefully consider the words we speak in response. After all, it’s one thing to make the mental shift that the person isn’t my enemy but quite another to speak words that make known the mystery of the gospel.What a choice!Sometimes when I’m hurt, I want the verse to say, “Most of the time when you open your mouth, make known the gospel. But when someone really hurts your feelings, that day is the exception. Feel free to explode all over her.”Or, “Most of the time when you open your mouth, make known the gospel. But when someone else has obvious issues, you should make her aware of those issues and heap back on her what she’s heaped on you.”Or, “Most of the time when you open your mouth, make known the gospel. But if you’re feeling unfairly judged, rally other people around your cause and make this other person look as bad as you can.”But that’s not what Ephesians 6:19 says. It says I must make the gospel known whenever I open my mouth.Is this easy? Of course not! To have any chance at all, I have to develop a strategy in advance for how I will react in situations like these. In advance means I don’t wait until I’m knee deep in hurt.In a non-emotional, clear-headed moment, I crafted a response template. (In tomorrow’s devotional, you’ll see my example of this. Feel free to copy it or craft your own.)Then, on that day when another person decides to get all up in your Kool-Aid with their own raw emotions, you can hold onto your soul integrity.PRAYERDear Lord, please help me be a Jesus girl who rises up and gives grace when I am tempted to do otherwise. I want to reveal Your power at work in my responses. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Scripture: Proverbs 15:1

MY RESPONSE TEMPLATEWhether we’re face-to-face with someone or sending a written response to someone, we do need to remember there is a big difference between a reaction and a reply.Reactions are typically harsh words used to prove how wrong the other person is. No good ever comes from this. A gentle reply, on the other hand, “turns away wrath” (Proverbs 15:1). Choosing a gentle reply doesn’t mean you’re weak; it actually means you possess a rare and godly strength.I think I’m going to repeat that last sentence, not so much for you but because, glory be, I need it! Choosing a gentle reply doesn’t mean you’re weak; it actually means you possess a rare and godly strength.In a heated moment of frustration or anger, I need a preplanned template to keep me from spewing. So, here’s what I came up with when I need a written response. Of course this same thought pattern can be tweaked slightly and used for face-to-face interactions as well. Feel free to use this or come up with a version of your own to use the next time you need a written or verbal response.1. Begin by honoring the one offended.This isn’t easy. We probably won’t feel like the other person deserves honor in that moment. And maybe they don’t. Do you remember that “shame on you” email I mentioned in yesterday’s devotion?It was sent to me as a result of my daughter only inviting the kids from her homeroom class to her birthday party, of which her daughter was not in. Plus, there had been some really difficult tension between my daughter and hers all year.Neither child was at fault—they were both good girls. They just weren’t good together.I’d made peace with that until this email.To think of honoring her after getting such harsh words didn’t seem possible. I certainly didn’t feel like honoring my offender’s words. So, I didn’t honor her words. I honored her as a person—a person God loves. I have to remember giving honor reveals more about my character than the character of the other person.Here’s how I did this …Dear Sally,
I can tell you are a mother who cares deeply for your child.I honored her by pointing out a good quality I know to be true about her. Even if you have to think really hard about what good qualities your offender has, most everyone does have redeeming qualities.2. Keep your response short and full of grace.The wordier we get, the greater the risk we will slip into defensiveness. If something needs to be clarified, keep it concise and wrapped in grace.Here are the lines I wrote:A line to acknowledge the expressed hurt: I understand how hard it can be when we feel our child has been left out. Like you, I hurt when my child hurts.A line to clarify my intentions: Might I share from my heart what I intended when we invited only the girls from Hope’s homeroom class? Hope would have invited many more if she could. But this seemed the fairest way to keep the party manageable.A line of gentle honesty about the issue at hand: This has been a hard year. You are probably aware of the conflicts Hope and your daughter have had. If you’d like to discuss some possible ways we can better guide both girls in their actions and reactions toward one another, I would welcome that.And, if an apology is appropriate: Please accept my most sincere apology for causing you and your daughter hurt.A line asking for grace: Thank you for extending me grace in this situation.3. End by extending compassion.Chances are this person is hurting for reasons that have nothing to do with this situation. Why not be the rare person who offers love to this hard-to-love person … With more love and compassion than these words can hold, LysaOf course, if it’s not possible to sincerely end your note that way, don’t fake it. I know some conflicts can make it impossible to wrap everything with love. So maybe your compassionate close might be a simple like: Blessings … Thank you … or With grace.Please remember, not every harsh email needs a response. I knew mine did. But ask God to help you know when to deal with it and when to simply delete it.Also, remember not every face-to-face confrontation needs a verbal response either. But when it does, you can easily translate what I’ve suggested here for an email into a face-to-face conversation.Just mentally keep this in mind: Honor them. Keep it short and wrapped with grace. Extend compassion. Honor, grace, compassion … HGC.PRAYERDear Lord, I accept the challenge to hold my tongue in order to honor, give grace, and have compassion for others. Please give me the strength to do this today. Thanks so much. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.