Ladies, marriage and committed relationships are supposed to be a source of comfort and security. But how should you respond when you no longer trust your partner? He’s supposed to protect your heart, but instead you feel abused, deceived and manipulated by gaslighting. This plan will help you understand how to use biblical discernment so you can regain your freedom from the insanity. Christy Johnson
Day 1
Scriptures: Genesis 3:1-6, Proverbs 26:24-25, Titus 1:16
Truth Mixed With Deceit
You won’t find the word gaslighting in the Bible, but it’s a very common word used in our culture today. In fact, it’s so common that Merriam-Webster named it the Word of the Year for 2022. Online lookups for the word increased by an astonishing 1700 percent that year.
When a word hits culture with such extreme force it’s often subject to misuse and misunderstanding. Such is the case with gaslighting. It’s common to hear others describe that they’ve been gaslit because of an argument or disagreement. But gaslighting shouldn’t be used to describe a conflict when our partner simply has a different opinion, perspective or challenges our beliefs. This trivializes the serious nature of gaslighting.
Gaslighting is much more than a disagreement. It’s a form of psychological manipulation in which a partner plots to intentionally cause us to doubt our own perception, memory, or sanity. It’s deceitful and deliberate. It’s not a one-time occurrence. It’s intentionally conspired over time.
Gaslighting happens most often in romantic relationships and causes a victim to question their reality, their thoughts, perceptions and memories. It leads to feelings of confusion and erodes confidence and emotional stability.
I wish I could say that gaslighting doesn’t occur in relationships with others that claim to be Christians, but I’m sad to say that isn’t true. In fact, being a Christ follower ourselves can be one of the reasons we become vulnerable in the first place. By nature, Christians are known to be nonjudgmental, trusting and forgiving. All wonderful qualities, but if not balanced by a healthy dose of discernment, caution and effective boundaries, we can be caught off guard by those who want to manipulate and control us.
Manipulators are great pretenders. They groom their victims with flattery and other deceptive means. They secure their agenda of control by building a relational foundation of perceived trust.
Satan was the original gaslighter. In the Garden of Eden of he started a dialogue that caused Eve to defend her truth. His famous line, “Did God really say?” planted a seed of doubt and caused Eve to question her reality. When Eve defended her position, Satan wasted no time. He twisted the truth and spun the narrative. “You will not certainly die,” he lied with a sly slither. His perversion of truth worked and the deception of gaslighting started in the third chapter of the Bible!
There is always a measure of truth mixed in with gaslighting. That’s what makes it so deceptive. A total lie is obvious. But deceit concealed and covered in truth is harder to detect. What about you? Do you find yourself constantly feeling confused or second-guessing yourself? Do you often question your memories or perceptions of the way things happened? Does your partner make you feel crazy? Does he often blame shift or make comments or accusations like: Are you sure about that? You’re way too sensitive! That didn’t happen. I never said that!
If so, I want to help you reclaim your confidence. Gaslighting is insidious and involves intentional mind manipulation. The reality is that you can’t change your partner, but with God’s help, you can make changes that will empower you to protect your heart and restore your peace.
Day 2
Scriptures: Proverbs 20:11, Jeremiah 5:26, Matthew 7:15-20
Eyes Wide Open
Gaslighting is a word that has exploded on the scene in our culture. If you’ve just become familiar with the concept, you may feel liberated to finally have a word to define the insanity of what you’ve experienced. But now with eyes wide open to this truth, you may be wondering, How did this happen? What did I miss?
Let me assure you. You didn’t do anything wrong. You were targeted and groomed by someone with a malicious motive for power and control. The process was gradual and intentional.
Before gaslighting can be effective, trust has to be developed. Emotions have to be forged. This is often done through love bombing, a technique used by those who want to have power over their partners. It’s an over-the-top romantic pursuit intended to lure and captivate a love interest in order to gain control.
Once the manipulator is satisfied that their partner’s emotional connection is secure, the devaluation stage sets in. Sarcasm, put downs and dismissive attitudes leave you wondering what happened. You tell yourself that this isn’t the man you fell in love with. In order to reconcile the disconnect, you quell your suspicions and minimize the confusion by reasoning that he didn’t really mean it. He’s stressed out, had a bad day or overwhelmed with work. The reality, however, is that his actions prove who he is. Words just prove who he pretends to be.
We get into trouble when we put all of our trust into our partner’s words and overlook patterns of destructive or abusive behavior. If this seems judgmental, remember that Jesus used a metaphor to describe people’s character when he said that a tree is known by its fruit. If your partner is deceitful, accusatory, dismissive, sarcastic or twists the truth, his actions provide evidence of what is in his heart. His actions have already judged his heart.
Living in a toxic environment or dealing with a partner who gaslights you can destroy your confidence, make you question your sanity and feel confused. In order to keep your peace, you’ll have to keep your distance. Keeping your distance doesn’t always mean a physical separation or breakup, but it always involves setting emotional boundaries.
Detaching is the opposite of enabling. Detaching means you quit trying to change your partner and allow him to experience the consequences of his actions while you shift your focus to your own health and well-being. I love the wisdom in the acronym for detach: Don’t Even Try To Change Him.
It would be easier if he would change and you’ve no doubt tried. Taking responsibility for your own emotional health, however, is the path to peace. Separating accusations and gaslighting from your identity takes practice, but you can learn that the way he treats you doesn’t define you. His actions showcase his character, not your worth.
Day 3
Scriptures: Matthew 12:22-25, Isaiah 30:21
Twisted Realities
If your partner tries to maintain control over you and twist your reality, I know it doesn’t feel good, but you’re not alone. The Pharisees had it out for Jesus. They were accustomed to the influence they had with the people and they went to great lengths to preserve their power, even if it meant attacking the character of Jesus in order to maintain their position of prominence.
The Pharisees were intimidated by Jesus’ impact and sought ways to override his authority. When Jesus healed a demon-possessed man who was also blind and mute, the Pharisees accused him of driving out demons by the spirit of Beelzebub. This wasn’t the first time that the Pharisees tried to disgrace Jesus. They were threatened that they were losing power. So they developed schemes to discredit him by distorting the truth in public settings.
Twisting reality is an age-old manipulative strategy to create confusion and doubt. Sometimes people who are manipulative do this in private with you to create insecurity so they can control you. Other times, they strategize and use false news to sway public opinion. When others use slander and injurious speech to defame you, the Bible calls it blasphemy. Today’s popular terminology is gaslighting.
When others try to gaslight and disgrace you, twist reality or cause doubt and confusion, you can do what Jesus did. Matthew 12:25 says that Jesus knew their hearts. He saw their motives.
The English word knew used in this verse is the Greek word eidō. It means this: to perceive with the eyes or any of the senses; to notice, discern or see; to pay attention, observe; to turn the eyes, the mind, the attention to anything, to understand or perceive.
Eido is used 465 times in the New Testament and is translated in English as saw or knew. The discernment that Jesus used was insight that he developed by paying attention to the inner witness in His spirit that alerted Him that something wasn’t right. He observed the behavior of others. He noticed and perceived their motives. When the accusations flew in, He didn’t discount or minimize what He observed.
He saw. He knew.
I know what you might be thinking. Jesus was God’s son. He had supernatural intuition and insight. Yes, He did, but so do you! You’ve been adopted and predestined. You are a daughter of the Most High. You were chosen in him before the foundation of the world. And if that’s not enough to convince you, Ephesians 1:8 says that he lavished upon you all wisdom and insight making known to you the mystery of his will.
When others have evil agendas, you can discern their motives as well. You, my friend, have the same capacity to see and know!
When you discern something is off, observe manipulative behavior or realize that others are trying to gaslight you, don’t write it off as if you’re imagining things. Trust your gut. You can walk in the fullness of your inheritance and God-given discernment.
Day 4
Scriptures: Romans 8:18, Esther 1:10-12, Esther 4:12-16, 1 Peter 5:10
A Trophy For Your Trauma
Dealing with a partner who uses gaslighting can drain your emotions. When it seems impossible to escape the put downs, constant criticism and devaluation, I’ve heard women ask if God is trying to teach them something. That’s a hard pill to swallow to think that you’ve endured pain just to learn a lesson. It makes God sound punitive.
Of course suffering can be a great teacher, but there’s so much more to our struggles than just learning a lesson. The Apostle Paul said in Romans that what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory God will reveal in us later. According to this passage, suffering is supposed to produce a gift!
I love how God illustrates his truth in nature. An oyster that hasn’t been wounded in any way doesn’t produce a pearl. In other words, a pearl is beautiful evidence of a healed wound. Likewise your suffering and wounds are supposed to produce a pearl in your life. Pearls are the plunder from your pain.
Esther’s story is a great example of a woman who held fast to this idea. Thrown into the king’s harem against her will, she had no choice but to wait for her night with the king. King Xerxes dethroned Queen Vashti. She’d refused to honor his command to parade her beauty in front of all of his drunken buddies and those who attended his seven-day wine binge. In order to choose the next queen he demanded all the virgins in the land to be gathered into his harem.
After months of beauty treatments, each virgin was escorted into the king’s chambers for the evening. Depending on how the story is framed, a night with the king can sound romantic, but make no mistake. There was no consent. The virgins were not allowed to refuse his sexual advances. He test drove all the models before he chose the one that pleased him. This self-absorbed king used his power to demand sexual privileges. His actions today would be considered sexual abuse.
How might Esther have endured this kind of abuse? I believe that through prayer and surrender she learned how to trust that God would provide her security. She refused to submit to misery and instead focused on what she considered her kingdom assignment. She understood the purpose in her pain. Even in the face of possible death she refused to believe that she was only made for the king’s pleasure. Her famous words, “If I perish, I perish,” are proof that she was able to trust God with the outcome. Instead, she focused on the King’s plan and allowed God to use her as a pivotal power to change her fate and that of her people.
If you can embrace the promise in your pain, you can rise up out of the victim mindset that power-hungry partners want you to be in bondage to, so don’t stop short of the win. Esther ignored the value others assigned to her and walked away with a trophy for her trauma.
Likewise, when you abandon the victim mindset, Esther’s story can help you understand your suffering didn’t happen to you. It happened for you.
Day 5
Scriptures: Isaiah 45:3, 1 Corinthians 10:13, Philippians 1:6
Treasures Of Darkness
My father was a photographer in WWII and later had a photography business on the side. When we moved to Oklahoma he built a darkroom in our garage. After he took pictures, he hung the film to develop in the darkroom…in the pitch dark. No one could go into the darkroom while they were developing. Otherwise, the pictures would be underdeveloped. My father understood why darkness was essential. Light-sensitive materials needed time in the dark in order to develop.
In the same way, God develops us in the dark places. It may seem like he’s not there, but God does his greatest work in the dark. When we try to escape the process prematurely, we remain underdeveloped or worse, a mere negative of what we could be—a reverse image of what He intends for us to be.
I’ve experienced the excruciating pain and confusion that betrayal, manipulation and gaslighting leaves behind. Even though scripture says that offenses are impossible to avoid, it’s hard to imagine that someone you thought loved you could be so cruel. I’d even remind myself that when offenses come, God always offers his grace. I knew that without it I wouldn’t have the capacity to endure. And yet, in the midst of my misery, I often fell short of God’s grace and failed to recognize his provision of strength. Little by little, I allowed bitter roots to grow up.
When we fail to respond to the grace of God, we put ourselves in a place where resentment can flourish. And that is Satan’s mission. Make no mistake. Satan hates us. His goal is to prevent us from developing. He does this in a couple of ways. Sometimes, all he has to do is keep us out of the darkroom.
One of his greatest maneuvers is to help us mask our pain by pacifying us with counterfeit comforts, many of which seem quite ordinary. Online shopping, scrolling on social media or binge watching our favorite shows may seem like innocent escapes but when they turn excessive they only serve to enable us to deny reality, stuff the hurt and delay our healing.
When that doesn’t work, he’ll try to convince us that we can’t escape the darkness, that we’re chained to bitterness, sorrow and depression. God has freed us, but deception holds us in bondage. But here’s the solid truth: God’s grace is always sufficient.
In every offense, he makes provision through his grace. When relationship difficulties persist, he will either provide a way of escape or give us the ability to persevere and overcome.
God releases his power, but the choice to take the grace is ours. And when we respond to God’s grace, he can make a beautiful picture out of every offense. He can turn every sorrow into a showcase of glory.
So hang on to hope, my courageous friend. God is a master photographer and you are his film. He may leave you in the dark for a while, but it’s because he wants you to be fully developed. And when he’s finished, you’ll be a beautiful picture of freedom to display his hope to the world.