Achieving Awesome Communication in Marriage

Scriptures: Proverbs 18:21, Matthew 12:36, James 3:5, Ephesians 4:29

Is Your Small Daily Communication Leading To Life Or Death? 

My dear friend Nils Smith says, “Small talk is big talk.” What he means by that is that small talk is a big deal because it has a big impact. You can’t have relationships without small talk. It’s those small moments and conversations that build a relationship. 

I used to hate small talk until he helped me understand this. He is right: it takes small talk to get to deep talk. You can’t get to the bottom of the ocean without first plunging into the surface of the water. 

Not only is small talk big because it builds your relationship, but it’s also the most consistent form of communication you have. It’s the small daily communication that’s most frequent in your marriage. 

God doesn’t just call us into big, wild leaps of faith, he also calls us to small, simple, faithful, daily acts of obedience. 

One small, simple, daily act of obedience is using your words wisely with your spouse. It’s not always easy, but it is simple. 

Does your default language with your spouse bring life or death? Are you careful and prayerful about your words to your spouse? What kind of culture are your words building in your home and in your marriage? 

Challenge: Sit down and think about your daily communication with your spouse. Prayerfully reflect and think through this: How often do you communicate with your spouse? Through what means? Are your words kind? Is your tone kind? Are you being intentional about your small daily communications with your spouse? 

Your daily touchpoints and small communications with your spouse are important. Overlooking these can easily lead us down the path of poor communication and poor connection. 

The Bible is clear that our words, though small, have a big impact. So let’s use that mighty impact for good in our marriage. Let’s use our words to bring life into our marriage. 

APPLICATION QUESTIONS:

What are some ways that you may “bring death” with your words to your spouse? Ask God to help you control your tongue and avoid language that tears your spouse down. 

Ask your spouse what kinds of things tear them down and how you can grow in this area in your marriage. 

What are some practical ways you can “bring life” to your spouse with your words? 

Ask your spouse what kinds of things they love to hear you say to them. 

What is one thing you can do to improve your daily communication with your spouse? 

Scriptures: Proverbs 18:2, 1 Corinthians 13:1, Philippians 2:3, Romans 12:3

Seeking To Understand Over Seeking To Be Understood

I was new to being a Pastor’s wife when I went to a conference breakout session about emotional health for Pastors’ wives. The speaker had us all share different things we were dealing with and for the first time, I felt so heard and understood. They asked questions and nodded along. They really wanted to understand what I was dealing with and they all really “got it.” 

It felt so good to not only be truly heard but also truly understood. 

We can all relate to a time when someone made us feel like they really “got” us. 

One pivotal mistake we are all guilty of is not putting forth the effort to really understand our spouse. We are all guilty of sometimes not truly listening to our spouse. Especially in an argument, we think too much about ourselves and how to be understood instead of seeking to understand our spouse. Understanding our spouse starts with listening. 

The Bible tells us to consider others as better than ourselves, to sacrificially serve those around us, to walk in humility. If we are to do this we have to lay down the urge to push our own agenda and words. Instead, we have to seek to understand first and seek to be understood second. 

Challenge: Today think about how good it feels to be heard and understood, then give that gift to your spouse by seeking to understand them and truly listening. 

APPLICATION QUESTIONS:

Where have you been seeking to be understood over seeking to understand? How can you practically “lay this down” and learn to serve your spouse better in conversations? 

What is one practical thing you can do to become a better listener? 

The next time the two of you are in a disagreement, what are some things you can do to best understand your spouse? 

Ask your spouse how you can be a better listener and how you can grow in seeking to know and understand them. 

Follow Up Challenge: Together come up with five great questions you can ask each other in an argument to better understand each other.

Scriptures: Luke 18:18-20, Mark 10:35-38, John 5:6, Lamentations 3:40, 1 Timothy 4:16, Proverbs 20:5

Asking Good Questions

There are around 3,300 questions in the Bible. Jesus asked questions often. They were central to his teaching. He is recorded asking 307 questions in the Bible.

There’s a pivotal difference between Jesus and us is that Jesus asked questions for the hearer’s sake, not his own. We ask questions to gain understanding and information. Jesus asked questions to provoke self-awareness, God-awareness, and transformation. Jesus didn’t ask questions for himself, he already knew the answers. He asked questions for others.

Part of good communication in marriage is asking good questions. Unlike Jesus, we do need to ask questions in order to gain understanding, because unlike Jesus, we do not have all the answers.

Not understanding your spouse will cause an array of conflict in your marriage. Seek to understand your spouse in order to reduce conflict and in order to best enjoy your spouse and who God created them to be.

Your spouse needs you to be curious about them. Your spouse needs you to want to know them.

Your questions can also help them grow to be more self-aware. Being self-aware makes you healthier and your marriage can only be as healthy as the two of you.

Challenge: Today be curious about your spouse. Be a student of your spouse. Commit to learning how to ask your spouse good questions.

Here are just a few examples to get you started:

If you are in an argument:

• Can you help me understand why you are so upset? I want to understand and solve this problem together.
• Can you help me understand why you did that? I want to know what happened so we can solve this together.
• Can you tell me more about how I made you feel? I want to understand how you felt.
• What can I do to make it right?
• What needs to change for next time?

If you just want to engaged in better conversation on an average day:

• What was one thing that brought you joy today?
• What was a low point in your day? What made it low?
• Where did you see God move today?
• What is something you are hopeful for?
• What gave you energy today?
• Did anything drain your energy today?

APPLICATION QUESTIONS:

1. What can we learn from the way Jesus asked questions?
2. Why do you think questions are so impactful?
3. How will being self-aware improve your marriage? What are some practical ways you can strive for self-awareness?
4. How can you begin to ask better questions in your marriage?
5. How will seeking to understand your spouse improve your marriage?
6. What does it look like to also “be curious” about your spouse and seek to understand them consistently? Ask your spouse how you can grow in this area.

Scriptures: 1 John 3:18, Psalms 19:14, Proverbs 25:11, Proverbs 15:28

The Way Of Your Words

The Bible tells us that our words are powerful. It’s not just our words that hold power, it’s how we say them. The way we say what we say has a major impact on who we are speaking to. 

Most experts agree that 70-93% of communication is nonverbal. If nonverbal communication is 70% or more of how we communicate, we want to make sure we strive to be loving in that communication towards our spouse. 

One of the problems with our nonverbal communication is our core problem overall: we are sinful and stiff-necked people. We don’t see our own sin and unkindness. We think we are sweeter than we are. We don’t recognize our own harshness. 

How often has your spouse pointed out your unkind tone only for you to argue with them about how you spoke? Surely I am not the only one guilty of this!

One way to grow in love in your nonverbal communication is to give each other permission. Give each other permission to talk to each other about your nonverbal communication and seek to understand each other instead of succumbing to miscommunication. Say no to the “no I didn’t” argument and decide together today that you will listen to your spouse. If your spouse hears something negative in your nonverbal communication, it IS there. Whether it’s intentional or not, it’s what they perceive and it needs to be addressed. So give them permission to do that from here on out. 

Because here is what I know: You are a sinner. You love your spouse. (You probably wouldn’t be doing a marriage Bible reading plan if you didn’t). If you love your spouse and want to love them with your words and how you say your words then it’s going to take you listening to them about your nonverbal communication without being defensive. 

Here is how I recommend these conversations go: If you perceive mean, hateful, or confusing nonverbal communication from your spouse, seek to understand. Tell your spouse “I hear you saying ______ with your words but in your body language I hear _______. Can you help me understand?”

Challenge: Today give each other permission to talk to each other about your nonverbal communication moving forward. Resist the temptation to defend yourself or be dishonest about what your nonverbals are saying. 

APPLICATION QUESTIONS:

What does it look like to be loving in your tone of voice with your spouse?

What does it look like to be loving in your facial expressions with your spouse?

What does it look like to be loving in your body posture with your spouse?

When your spouse has pointed out your nonverbal communication in the past were you defensive?

How can you grow in not being defensive when your spouse points out something that hurt or confused them?

If you are going to give each other permission to talk about your nonverbal communication with each other, what do you need from each other in order to make these conversations go well? Talk with your spouse about what these conversations can look like. 

Scriptures: Proverbs 18:13, James 4:12, Matthew 7:1-5, John 7:24

Communication Breakdown #1: Assumptions 

At Awesome Marriage, I have the pleasure of chatting with hundreds of couples who are striving to build an awesome marriage. Communication is most couples’ number one issue because many issues stem from communication. In my experience, I have seen four common communication breakdowns. For the last four days of this Bible reading plan, I want to share those with you and give you some tools rooted in Scripture to help you overcome them in your own marriage. 

One of the biggest fights my husband and I ever had was because he asked me to look at a map. You read that right. I was furious with him because he asked me to pull out a map and look at it. 

We were lost trying to get to an out-of-town wedding, and we really didn’t want to be late. Neither of us could figure out what we were doing wrong with our directions, and our GPS wasn’t working. We were both flustered and frustrated when he asked me to pull out the map from the glove compartment. I became irate with him! I was irate because I thought he was kidding and this was no time for a joke. You see, I didn’t know how to read a map! I’d never had to do it. I thought he was joking around and was furious at him for not taking this seriously. Things escalated from there because he was bewildered at the fact that I truly did not know how to read a map. 

You see, I assumed. I assumed he was joking when he was suggesting something sincere. He assumed I was capable of reading a map, which in hindsight was a reasonable thought. But he was sadly mistaken. 

Though this is a lighthearted example, we are all guilty of much more complicated and hurtful assumptions. 

Assumptions are a major communication breakdown. Often the assumptions we make about each other are harsh and untrue. We love to assume the best about ourselves and the worst about others. We judge others by their behavior and ourselves by our best intentions. Assuming things about your spouse will set you up for miscommunication and misunderstanding. 

Challenge: Invite the Holy Spirit to convict you of any unfair assumptions you’ve been making about your spouse. Today think and pray about all the negative assumptions you make about your spouse on any given day. 

Write your assumptions down. At the end of the day confess them to your spouse. Let them know you want to do better and that moving forward, you want to start assuming the best about them. 

Clarifying questions can be a great tool to overcome assumptions. Ask questions like: “Why did you do that?”, “Help me understand”, “Here is what I hear you saying (insert what you think they are saying). Is that what you’re trying to say? I want to understand.” 

APPLICATION QUESTIONS: 

What negative assumptions do you make about your spouse?

Are these fair assumptions? Why do you think you assume these things? Specifically think about assumptions you might make when you are angry with your spouse, in conflict with them, or when something doesn’t go your way.

Do you generally assume the best about your spouse? Why or why not? 

How can you grow to assume the best in your spouse? 

Scriptures: Proverbs 15:4, Proverbs 16:24, Psalms 40:11, Deuteronomy 11:12, Psalms 48:14, Psalms 10:5, John 1:1

Communication Breakdown #2: Superlatives and Strong Language

Speaking in superlatives is a great way to irritate your spouse and shut down their ability to communicate well with you. Things like: “you always,” “you never,” or “every time.” Language like this is not effective.

No one does anything “always” or “never” except for God! God is the only one about whom superlatives are actually true: God is always just. God is always loving. God never changes. God has always been. 

We cannot say “always” or “never” about another human being because no one is like God. 

Using these vast dramatic statements with our spouse is harmful and sets your spouse in a defensive position, making it hard for them to hear you and communicate well. Today, think about whether or not this is an issue in your marriage and how to break the cycle if it is. 

Challenge: Talk to each other about superlatives as a breakdown in communication. First, repent and apologize if you know this has been an issue for you. Tell your spouse you’re sorry that you’ve been using this language and that you want to try and stop. 

Pray and ask God to help you overcome this communication breakdown. 

APPLICATION QUESTIONS: 

How does knowing God is the only one who we can say “always” and “never” about lead you to worship him? 

What are other ways God is different from us? Meditate on and worship Him for these amazing truths. He is good and worthy of our praise! 

Ask yourself: Is using superlatives and strong language an issue for me in my marriage? Confess where you have been using superlatives unfairly. Give each other the opportunity to confess your own mistake before pointing it out to each other. 

What happens when you use superlatives in your marriage? How does it harm your communication? 

What can you do to overcome this? 

The next time one of you uses this language, how can you lovingly correct each other and move forward as a team? 

Scriptures: Genesis 2:24, Mark 10:6-9, Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, Romans 15:5-6

Communication Breakdown #3: Blame

I have a friend who made the game-winning shot in a high school basketball game with 5 seconds left on the clock. Talk about an exhilarating moment for an eager high school athlete! The problem was, he scored in the wrong basket. His “game-winning shot” quite literally made his team lose. The problem: he was shooting on the wrong side of the court. That exhilarating moment went from being awesome to the most embarrassing moment of his life in just a few seconds once the scorekeepers realized what happened. 

Pitting yourself against your spouse in a fight is just like shooting on the wrong side of the court because you are on the same team. Don’t make the mistake of playing for the wrong team. 

Blame is a major communication breakdown. You are both on the same team, but when you play the blame game you are operating as rivals. 

The two of you are one. When you entered into the marriage covenant, you became one flesh. So, it’s never “me” versus “you.” It’s always “us” working together to solve the problem. There are no winners and losers on the same side; there’s only a problem out there for you to solve. 

Dr. Kim Kimberling, Christian counselor and president of Awesome Marriage, talks about “the turn.” He encourages couples that are facing each other fighting to turn, face the problem side by side, and fight the problem together. So make this “turn” together and choose to stop playing the blame game. 

Challenge: Decide together today that you will work on viewing your marriage more like a team. Pray and ask God to help you avoid blaming each other and instead act like great teammates who solve problems together. 

The next time you are in a fight, try to visualize “the turn.” Visualize standing next to your spouse on the same team. Then figure out what the real problem is and face it together. 

APPLICATION QUESTIONS:

Where have you been guilty of playing the blame game?

What do you think it looks like to be great teammates in your marriage? 

What is one thing you can do to grow to better teammates? 

Scriptures: Ephesians 4:32, Colossians 3:13, Matthew 18:21-22, Psalms 86:5, Mark 10:9

Communication Breakdown #4: Scorekeeping and Getting Stuck in the Past

Bringing up the past and scorekeeping are two communication breakdowns that go hand in hand. You can’t keep dwelling on the past and rehashing what happened there. Better use of your time is to figure out what needs to change for next time. Focus on the now and the future. 

After all, God has already forgiven us, and he asks us to forgive each other because of the abounding mercy he has shown us. We can forgive each other because he first forgave us. 

Scorekeeping is another way of holding onto the past. Remember, you two are on the same team. Holding onto your spouse’s past mistakes and sins is a damaging strategy when it comes to your marriage. 

God has placed the two of you together, and you have entered into a covenant with each other and, more importantly, with God. Honor that covenant by refusing to keep score. You are on the same team. Holding your spouse as if their score is against you is operating as if you weren’t on the same team. Instead, outdo each other in honor by choosing to forgive freely and serve each other daily. 

Challenge: Decide together today to forgive each other for all the past issues. Decide that when you have conflict, you will focus on the here and now without bringing up baggage from the past. 

Talk to each other about bringing up the past and scorekeeping as breakdowns in communication. Pray and ask God to help you with any unforgiveness. Pray and ask God to help you overcome this communication breakdown. 

APPLICATION QUESTIONS:

What happens when you focus too much on the past as opposed to dealing with the issue at hand? How does this harm your communication? 

What can you do next time there is a conflict to make sure you focus on the problem at hand and not the past baggage? 

Are there any past issues that you are truly struggling to forgive? What can you do to move past them? Do you need counseling to resolve this? 

What has been your biggest takeaway from this Bible reading plan? 

What three things can you commit to doing to work towards awesome communication in your marriage? 

Pray and ask God to help you communicate with love, kindness, and understanding in your marriage.