How to Deal With Difficult People

Scriptures: Colossians 3:12-13, James 1:20

This is one of my favorite topics to teach because it’s one of the biggest places of freedom I have personally experienced in my walk with Christ. People can say some of the rudest things! And sometimes the most hurtful, painful, or just stupid things. Often, it comes from those who are closest to us. 

When we get caught up in other people’s words, we can easily forget the truth of God’s word and then react based on our emotions instead of giving grace or trying to understand the whole picture. Even worse, we allow the enemy to distract us from the GOODNESS of God through the difficulties of other people. 

Difficult people are often oblivious to themselves and their hurtful words and actions. But the truth is – we are ALL difficult people. There are so many references in the New Testament about dealing with difficult people. I have found that the more God references it, the more we need to pay attention to the truth of it. Have you ever had a strained relationship with your extended family? Or a strained relationship at work? What about a strained relationship with a friend? Have you ever experienced tension in your marriage or with an adult child?

When my husband and I were first married and struggling, I remember pleading the “God fix him” prayer because I thought we would have a perfect marriage if God would fix my husband. Man, what I lie from the devil that is. All the while, I just stewed in anger over every little thing. 

So many times, God reminded me – I love him as I love you, and I love you as I love him. The hard truth is that we are difficult people dealing with other difficult people. However, acknowledging that fact brings freedom because it surrenders our weaknesses so God can be strong for us. 

We can’t change other people; we can only work on changing ourselves. Actual heart change comes when we surrender ourselves to the Holy Spirit. 

Scriptures: Philippians 4:7, Galatians 5:13-25

Experiencing emotional freedom from other people’s difficult and sometimes dumb behaviors is something we are called to as followers of Christ. It comes from surrendering it to Jesus, genuinely allowing Jesus to work it out and not expecting a human to have anything to do with it. When God showed me that I couldn’t control other people, I could only control how I responded to them, and my world changed. 

How? Paul tells us in today’s passage to walk by the Spirit and not carry out the desires of our flesh. See, our flesh wants revenge, justice, and self-righteousness. We often want to tell people exactly what they need to do to “make things right”. What others might view as completely acceptable or “right” is often very different from our view. And that’s when we encounter disagreements, which turn into tension, arguments, strife, anger, disputes, and enmities – precisely what Paul says. These things come from putting ourselves and our views first. 

Trying to demand something from others goes against God’s principles of boundaries. We don’t get to decide how people think or act, and others don’t get to determine how we think or act – that’s the beauty of God’s gift of Free will. We get to choose and train our brains on how we handle things and how we receive and process things. When we refuse to give way to our “flesh”, we experience peace. The peace that transcends understanding. The world’s societal views and voices train us to pick apart people until nothing is left, to assume the worst, even down to facial expressions. This process completely negates grace, mercy, and forgiveness. 

Our goal as Christians is to put Christ first. Paul says we are to die to ourselves, crucified to our flesh, and LIVE by the Spirit. We are to walk with the Holy Spirit intentionally, and when we yield to him, he brings about things that don’t make sense in the natural world – like love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. 

Don’t allow others and their words to keep you bound to the flesh. Choose to live fully and freely, surrendering your flesh to the Spirit.

Scriptures: Romans 14:10-20, Matthew 5:37

The key to healthy relationships with people who feel difficult is understanding that you can’t change them, releasing expectations, and creating boundaries for yourself.

We all know someone we struggle to be patient with because of the sheer frustration they cause us, right? I used to know many people like this until I realized that I was the common denominator. I’m not saying you are anything like that, of course; I’m just sharing my experience. I always seemed to be frustrated with somebody. 

Doesn’t it seem that dealing with difficult people feels like constant war? Remember – we can’t control others, but we can control how we respond to them. That comes with learning how to set and manage healthy boundaries within yourself. Boundaries aren’t for other people; they are for you. They are to protect your heart and keep your focus on living in the Peace of God, not the world’s strife. 

Boundaries are a trendy concept right now in social circles. It can often be misrepresented by actions like icing people out (ie, stonewalling and/or silent treatments) or cutting people off from your life. But boundaries are not weapons to use against others; they are tools to protect the safety of your heart and your family’s heart. They aren’t rules that you shout at people when you’re angry or threaten people with when you’re exhausted. You set boundaries within your thoughts, words, and actions. And if people don’t stick to your boundaries, that doesn’t mean you keep repeating your expectations; it means you walk away until a healthy boundary is mutually respected and honored. 

Christ lived his life on Earth loving difficult people like you and me. He showed us that through serving, listening, and putting the Kingdom of God first, we can live in freedom even if people reject us. Living in peace has nothing to do with other people and everything to do with being intentional about walking in peace with boundaries to protect that peace.

Christ died for difficult people so that we could live for him!

Scriptures: James 1:19, Titus 3:9

The more time we spend focusing on how crazy people can be, the less time we are focused on how we can point them to Christ. God calls us to be vessels of the Holy Spirit. When you are in the heat of an argument, have you ever stopped to think if the Holy Spirit is the one speaking? 

My two daughters and I were on a plane headed home from a fun Disney vacation a few years back. The girls had to sit next to a grumpy older man who had the aisle seat, while I had to sit in front of them. The plane had just taken off. The man appeared very hungry (some might say hangry) and ready to get after his sub sandwich. Well, my timid daughter had to pee, so with her best manners, she asked to get up, to which the grumpy old man with absolutely no manners replied with a nasty “no” and then questioned why she couldn’t wait until he was finished eating, amongst other nasty comments. 

Overhearing all of this, with all kinds of Momma-bear rage, I calmly turned around and told him that she couldn’t wait until he was finished eating because she was a child unable to hold it that long. I wanted to offer up the idea of her peeing in her leather seat as she sat closely next to him, but I refrained. 

What I know about that moment is that it was a great opportunity for my daughters to see how to keep their cool when others are crazy. Even when we have a cause, we still need to pause. Speaking out of unbridled emotions and reacting in our flesh is rarely helpful. Words and actions are like toothpaste – once they come out, there’s no stuffing them back into the tube. Practicing the pause helps us to invite the Holy Spirit into the situation and allows us to seek the best way to handle it.

Maybe God aligned your paths with difficult people to allow THEM to see the Holy Spirit in action. Or to allow YOU to lean on the Holy Spirit, grow, and accept his peace as enough.

Scriptures: Matthew 5:13, Luke 14:34-35, Mark 9:50, 1 Peter 3:8-11, Colossians 4:5-6

Have you ever watched a cooking show? I watched many cooking channels for several years of my early married days. I needed to learn the art of cooking, and I also slightly enjoyed watching people get voted off shows because they were horrible cooks. One of the biggest reasons people got voted off the shows was that they didn’t “season” their food. They didn’t use salt. I am a believer in Salt. If you ever invite me to dinner, please just put the salt shaker in front of my plate. These contestants would prepare the food so well, using many different spices and methods, but would forget to add the one ingredient that makes something flavorful – salt.

Salt brings out flavor. It enhances things. It turns something from abysmal, lackluster, or bland into something worth eating. Salt makes everything better.

Paul says our words should always be with grace, as if they were seasoned with salt. Our words should leave conversations better than when they started. Our words should be building up, not tearing down. 

Ultimately, people are difficult because we live difficult lives. We come from broken backgrounds that wound, mold, and shape us. People have to learn through scripture how to break those cycles, which can be a very challenging and complex process. Suppose people, including ourselves, aren’t reading the scriptures and don’t know the FREEDOM JESUS GIVES US THROUGH THE CROSS, and they don’t walk according to the spirit. In that case,/we are walking in death, which means – of course, we are going to be difficult because that’s not putting on the spirit of Christ. 

I love how Paul gives us clear, definitive steps to deal with difficult people in today’s passage. We have to put on Love. This means that we have to choose to do it, not in our own strength but with the help of the Holy Spirit. He also says that we are to sing to one another with Psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness. This is how I justify living through Disney musicals in my house. 

So let’s season with grace, Show MERCY, and ask for eyes to see like God. Be salty – in Jesus’ name.