No one wants this title: Widowed. Whether a male or female, the death of a soulmate catapults the survivor into a new way of living. We dislike the name given, yet it is so fitting, as we feel trapped in this terrible web. I invite you to join me as we walk through this 6-day devotional that helps bring a new perspective to our walk!
Eternity Matters With Norma
Day 1
Scripture: Proverbs 4:25-26
HOLD YOUR HEAD UP HIGH!
Those first few hours after you lose your spouse, the non-stop swirling of thoughts rushing through the mind is overwhelming. The emotional bursts of fear, dread, hopelessness, and anxiety take your breath away. Not only do you enter grief overwhelmed with the arrangements, but then comes the visitation and the funeral.
When my husband Dan died, we had some 250 people pass through his visitation. As much as I tried to absorb all the love and comfort they offered through words, flowers, memorial gifts, and notes, I could not take it all in. At times I knew that people were talking to me, yet I could not focus on their words because my mind was in such a fog.
But even though I missed some of the conversations, their visits gave me great peace. I knew that many had taken time away from work, and that some had driven very long distances to show their respect. I knew that Dan would have been well-pleased. Whether or not I was fully aware during the visit didn’t matter; having loved ones present gave great comfort!
Keep your head up, your eyes straight ahead, and your focus fixed on what is in front of you. Take care you don’t stray from the straight path, the way of truth, and you will safely reach the end of your road. —Proverbs 4:25-26
I was going to deliver my husband’s eulogy, so I had to get my act together. No one on earth knew him as well as I did, so it was not only my honor to speak at his Celebration of Life, but I knew it would have pleased him. I had to hold my head up and focus.
I am almost four years out since his death. It is odd the strange things I remember and the other things that got lost in the fog of the moment. I just knew that the visitation and funeral were the beginning of lots of decisions and bittersweet times ahead.
Anyone who has been through this has experienced some people saying the wrong things. That is because people are at a loss themselves. I can remember decades ago when my daddy died. I was still in high school, and he was my everything. He was at retirement age when I was born, which made him 80 when he died. I will never forget one person trying to console me by saying, “You should be thankful he lived this long.” Not what a teenager wanted to hear, because love has no age barriers. But even when well-meaning people say the wrong thing, I still find it better they are present because a person’s presence speaks volumes.
CAN YOU RELATE?
It is hard to hold our heads high when we feel bent down so low from grief. Do you recall experiencing grief so deep that you thought you couldn’t face the day? Did words of comfort from another soul give you strength to force yourself to stand? Perhaps it was a scripture you love. God works in many different avenues! Join me in tomorrow’s study to see how the comfort of others can be God’s way of giving hope and removing fear.
Day 2
Scripture: 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
REACHING BEYOND OUR GRIEF TO ENCOURAGE ANOTHER
No one likes death, and we sure do not like it when it is the death of a spouse. But I am a firm believer that we grow through circumstances. I know I am growing and learning every day from having experienced this loss.
One of the reasons I decided to write about being widowed was that I recognized that I am not in this nightmare alone. It is astounding how many suffer grief from being widowed. According to my research, as of January 20, 2021, there are 3.48 million men widowed in the United States and 11.27 million women. That is a lot of heartbreak, and you and I are among the statistics. It also tells us that women are outliving their spouses.
How do we climb up out of the depths of grief? I don’t think there is any one answer that will fit all people, but I want to share what I have learned. Although from time to time, the wave of grief still resurfaces, I have discovered that the more we think of others, the less time we have to think of our own circumstances.
Grace be to you and peace from God our Father, and from the Lord Jesus Christ. Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God. —2 Corinthians 1:2-4
We can only be comforted by God as much as we will allow Him to comfort us. The more we seek Him and commune with Him, the more we will feel His favor. Not too long after my husband died, I reached out to God and asked Him to be my companion, my watchman, my husband.
I knew that there were going to be a lot of lonely times ahead, and that decisions Dan used to make would now be my responsibility. The harder I leaned on the Lord for help, the more favor I felt.
I decided to reach out to others by starting an online ministry for women who have become widows. It is a private group by invitation only, because I do not have the resources to take it public. The ministry reaches a circle of my friends within a circle of their friends.
CAN YOU RELATE?
In yesterday’s study, I asked you to think of a time when you felt comforted by another person and through God. I hope you have experienced that kind of comfort. Knowing what it feels like, it just makes sense that if we appreciated it, others will as well. Perhaps it is time for you to think of ways you can reach out to comfort others. It may not be comforting others in death; it might be volunteering for a local organization or increasing your involvement in your church. There are a myriad of ways to help others who need help. Please join me tomorrow as we go through the night watch.
Day 3
Scriptures: 2 Timothy 1:7, Ephesians 5:8
DON’T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK
There is something about sorrow that grows us gently. I think because it is a process. It is a daily thing. We have to live it, whether we want to or not.
One of my first hurdles was getting through the night hours. I know most of you will get that. Wow, did it challenge me! I had to sell our home because it was not only too big for one person, but it was nowhere near family. I had to downsize and get rid of many items we shared as a couple.
My first night alone in my new condo was so challenging and rough. I remember tears and more tears and bitter loneliness. I felt like I was on a planet all by myself with only a pillow to hug to receive my tears.
It was then I told myself to pull up my big girl panties and not be afraid. Do you realize there are some 365 scriptures in the Bible that tell us not to fear? If it was that important to God, it should be important to us! We should be repeating “Do not fear!” to ourselves daily, Fear paralyzes the spirit, and it is not what God wants for us. Repeat aloud: “Do Not Fear! I will not be afraid!”
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. —2 Timothy 1:7
Whenever there was a thunderstorm, Dan and I would cuddle. I had been traumatized by the aftershock of lightning, and cuddling always gave me comfort. I feel more women can relate to this than men, yet I know men long for the comfort their wives brought them. No matter the gender, we all need that emotional support during our lives.
There are dark times that happen in life. (I am not speaking of night hours only.) I had to face the deaths of two siblings within a two-month time frame last year. I so wanted the same comfort that once consoled me. That comfort I longed for was my husband, who is no longer able to give me comfort. And then this scripture dawned on me:
For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light! —Ephesians 5:8
Oh, my goodness, it was like an awakening in my head! I discovered that I needed to walk as a child of the light! I needed to bring the light into the dark times of my life! Is it easy? No, but it is an answer and a new perspective on how to get through the rough days and issues thrown at us. We are to walk in the image of God, and HE is Light!
CAN YOU RELATE?
You and I have all had dark times in our lives. Darkness cannot exist where there is light. If we strike a tiny match in a very dark room, we no longer focus on it being dark, but we focus on being able to see! I think you get the picture! Please join me tomorrow as we learn that life has wind and rain, but at some point, there will be blue skies and sun again!
Day 4
Scriptures: Matthew 5:4, Luke 6:21
EXPECT SUNRAYS BETWEEN THE RAINDROPS!
If you and I are truly walking in the light of God, we should walk through our dark times with expectancy. Being expectant does not stop our grief. It just means that as sure as God causes the rain, He also makes the sunshine!
An expectant mother goes through nine months of often feeling uncomfortable. Many times, during the first trimester, a woman suffers from morning sickness. Near the end of pregnancy, her feet swell, her body is taxed, and she is tired from carrying extra weight. Even though she knows she will endure intense labor pains, she knows that the only way to receive is to walk on! That is why pregnancy is related to being an “expectant mother”; she knows that something good will come out her months of travail. So it is with grief.
HOW CAN ANYTHING GOOD COME FROM GRIEF AND LOSS?
I purposely used pregnancy as an example because it results in the new life of a baby! Grief from losing a life will, in time, bring the realization that death is the very tool God uses to catapult loved ones into “eternal life”! When grief takes us to the point of letting our loved one truly rest in the presence of God, then we know our labor pains have eased.
One of the blessings on the Sermon on the Mount was given by Jesus Himself:
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. —Matthew 5:4
The word “mourn” used in this scripture is the translation of a Greek word describing a passionate lament in mourning the death and loss of a loved one. When Jesus said this, He was talking directly to His disciples. He knew that soon He would be mourned by His followers. If you love and follow Jesus, you are also His disciple and friend! One of the last things Jesus did before going to the cross was to leave a promise to send us a Comforter (Holy Spirit). The Holy Spirit walks with us every day! He even told his disciples that He had to go away for the Comforter to come (John 16)!
As I write this plan, I have been a widow for three years and eleven months. Although I will always miss my husband here on earth, I can tell you that there are many sunrays between the raindrops!
It is true that the more we hunger and thirst after God, the more we will be content. Jesus spoke it well when he said,
Blessed are you who are hungry now, for you shall be satisfied. Blessed are you who weep now, for you shall laugh. —Luke 6:21
CAN YOU RELATE?
As sure as we know it will rain again, we know that grief will rear its ugly head from time to time to remind us of our loss, yet how reassuring it is that the closer we walk with the Lord, the more we will expect and experience the sunrays of life! Join me tomorrow and learn how to “walk on, walk on…with hope in your heart!”
Day 5
Scriptures: John 16:5-7, Psalms 23:4
WALK ON, WALK ON, WITH HOPE IN YOUR HEART!
Jesus knew His disciples would mourn Him after He went to the cross. That is one of the reasons why He sent the Comforter. He understood loss because he experienced it when his friend Lazarus died and when he learned of His beloved John’s death. From His own experience with grief, He knew that humankind would need a Comforter, and so He sent the Holy Spirit. He wants us to use the power of the Holy Spirit that resides within us! The main reason for sending the power of the Holy Spirit was to us is to enable us to be witnesses for Him. But it is also there for all our needs. Another name for the Holy Spirit is Advocate.
An Advocate is someone who goes to bat for us!
Jesus spoke the following words as He was preparing His disciples for His earthly death:
But now I am going to him who sent me. None of you asks me, ‘Where are you going?’ Rather, you are filled with grief because I have said these things. But very truly I tell you, it is for your good that I am going away. Unless I go away, the Advocate will not come to you; but if I go, I will send him to you. —John 16:5-7
It helps me in my grief to see that Jesus used that very word “grief” as He spoke of loss. It helps me to know that He foreknew our needs and loved us so much that He made a way so that we would never have to walk this road alone. He sent the Holy Spirit to reside within those hearts that accept Him as their Savior!
To think that the very Spirit of the Living God resides within us is mind-blowing and so powerful! As we walk on, He is right there walking with us! Even in the shadow of death, even in the grip of grief! Our enemy is Satan. He tricks us with negative thoughts. We begin to think that because our spouse is not beside us, we are walking alone, but that is a lie.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.” —Psalm 23:4
The shepherd of sheep used a staff to steady himself over rocky terrain and a rod to pull a sheep back into line. How beautiful an illustration! As we walk through rocky times, we know that our Shepherd is Jesus!
It is up to us to change how we face each day. It is up to us to decide how our minds will think. God has prepared and provided the way, and He has promised that He will never leave us! He has promised us the hope of eternity in His presence to those who believe in Him!
You and I will always miss our loved ones. Our human side wants them to be here every day, yet there comes a time when we must “walk on, walk on, with hope in our hearts” because we “never walk alone”!
Day 6
Scriptures: Psalms 34:18, 1 Peter 5:7
THOUGH YOUR DREAMS BE TOSSED AND BLOWN
I have lost my parents, my only brother and sister, a dear friend, and my soulmate. When death knocks at our door, no one wants to open that door.
Each loss was terrible, each different, but only the death of a spouse gives us a new title, an unwanted title. I received that new title on August 20, 2017, at 6:18 a.m. I was very transparent about the details of my husband’s death in another YouVersion Devotional titled “Death Does Not Own Me,” so I will spare the details in this devotional and go straight to the grief.
Although my husband received a terminal diagnosis and then lived two months, shy of two days, nothing prepares a person for such a loss. We were married fifty-three and a half years and dated almost a year before that, so it was always Dan and Norma! I am sure many of my readers can relate, for whether you are married a short time or for decades, the other person becomes a part of you. It is a relationship, a sealed bond, a covenant between two people in love.
Dan had just retired two years prior. He fought cancer and the beginning stages of dementia, so the dreams that many couples enjoy together during their senior years were gone.
Our dreams were tossed and blown.
That last breath of his was like sucking part of my life away from me. Whether your spouse passed years ago, last month, or this week, you understand. I often hear about the vacations friends have taken, and it makes the dreams we had come to the surface. Oh, we went on several trips throughout the years, but mainly to be with family who lived out of state. We had some ideas on our bucket list that death erased. Those dreams were dashed and blown away.
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. —Psalm 34:18
My first thoughts were “Lord, I cannot do this without You.” I was inviting Him to walk with me each moment and trusting that each decision I made was the right one and that somehow the Spirit within me would send up a red flag if I was on the wrong course.
What comes next? Oh, my goodness! Not only are we in this fog of shock, but suddenly, on the same day, because of time constraints, our minds are required to develop a quick list of who to contact in the family and close friends before it hits social media and the newspaper. In my case, there were at least 25 calls. A child, pastor, or friend can help with calls, but I wanted to contact the very closest of people because I knew it would help me with the finality of what just transpired. Does this resonate with your experience?
I used to think to myself, “How morbid” when I heard that someone had pre-arranged for their funeral, but now that I have been through that first 24-48 hours after a death, I can understand why people go that route.
I know this a day of permanent press, but I always enjoyed ironing Dan’s dress shirts. Although I knew the custom of a funeral home is to send the clothes to the dry cleaners, I insisted on ironing his shirt for the last time. As I ironed, I watched as the heat dried up the tears that rolled down my cheeks and dropped onto his shirt.
Casting all your cares on Him, because he cares about you. —1 Peter 5:7
Becoming widowed is such an overwhelming time, and the storm you are walking through is just beginning. That is why it is so important to cast ALL of your burdens on Jesus. It is a time in life when you may feel God is nowhere to be felt or seen. But let me assure you that no matter where you are in the widow or widower’s walk, God is right with you, working full time behind the scenes.
CAN YOU RELATE?
You and I know that life is fleeting and so very precious. It is the beautiful memories that sustain us. It is faith that holds us together with hope. As I share, I hope my encounter with grief will resonate with yours and that just knowing thousands upon thousands of people face this unwanted journey, will help us realize that just as much as death is inevitable, so is our eternal life!