Healing Family Relationships Through Boundaries

Scripture: Proverbs 19:9

When I think of seeking healing in a relationship, I think of words like kindness, forgiveness, and acceptance. However, sometimes the biblical thing to do, the healing thing to do, is to establish healthy boundaries. Sometimes this involves saying no, creating distance, and stepping out of a toxic system. There is nothing “Christian” or “spiritual” about allowing ourselves to be mistreated, railroaded, or disrespected within the context of a family relationship.

This is a difficult devotional for me to write. I am a rescuer. I want everyone to be happy all the time, and I feel responsible for their feelings. I say “yes” at times when I should say “no.” Sometimes I am not honest with my feelings so that conflict will be avoided. These are all examples of poor boundaries and patterns that result in short-term peace but long-term problems. My choices might “help” in the heat of the moment, yet I hurt myself and the relationships within my family in the long run.

Here is a small example. I remember a situation when I was facing a deadline for a project for work. Before I left the house in the morning, I went over the day’s schedule with my wife. A little before lunch, she texted me and asked if I would be able to pick up some groceries on the way home. My stress was already high, and I was annoyed that she was asking me to run this errand. I quickly replied, “Yes, no problem.” I wanted to help her, but it was a mistake. Later that afternoon, I wrapped up my work, rushed to the store, and hustled home. I came into the house on edge, and my negative emotions affected the rest of the evening.

My wife had done nothing wrong by asking me to run an errand. The conflictual evening was not her fault. If I had been wiser, I would have kindly told her that I wanted to help, but that with my work commitments that day, it was not possible. That would have been a healthy boundary, which would have led to more peace in our home.

Reflection Question: Can you identify a recent situation where you failed to set a healthy boundary? How might the outcome have been different if you had?

Scripture: Genesis 42:6-8

To better understand what boundaries are and how they work, let’s consider a story from Scripture about Joseph and his brothers.

When the ten brothers first appeared before Joseph, asking for food, Joseph recognized them. Why did he not reveal his identity to them at that time? Why not commence with the family reunion? Joseph seems to have set for himself a clear, personal boundary. He had been violently abused by his brothers and sold into slavery. Before he would open his heart to them, he needed to see two things. First, Joseph wanted to see if the brothers had taken responsibility for what they had done to him. Would there be any sense of godly sorrow and repentance? Second, he needed to see that they had changed their ways. Were they still abusers? Were they still selfish and violent? He would not offer his trust to them if the brothers were unchanged.

In Genesis 42:21, Joseph overhears the brothers admitting what they did to him, acknowledging their guilt, and even expressing their awareness that they deserve justice. When he hears this, Joseph weeps. But words were not enough for Joseph. He still would not reveal himself to them.

Later on, out of love for his little brother and love for his father, Judah offers his own life for Benjamin. Years ago, it was Judah who had suggested that Joseph be sold into slavery (Genesis 37:26), and now he is willing to become a slave to save Benjamin.

It was only after Joseph heard the brothers express their guilt and sorrow, and saw them demonstrate a change in their behavior, that he lowered his boundary and revealed his identity to them. We then see a true healing and reconciliation in their relationships and family. Yet this reconciliation would not have been possible (or healthy) without Joseph’s boundaries.

Reflection Question: Where in your family relationships might you need to establish wise boundaries like Joseph did, waiting for evidence of genuine change before extending full trust?

Scriptures: Mark 3:31-35, Galatians 1:10

In Mark 3, Jesus’ public ministry was now in full gear. His family did not yet fully understand who Jesus was or the mission that He had been sent to accomplish. Jesus had been healing the sick, casting out demons, forgiving sins, and confronting the Pharisees. His family thought that Jesus was “out of his mind” (Mark 3:21), and they went out to “seize him” and bring him back home.

Jesus said no to his family. While Scripture does not tell us specifically, I think it would be fair to assume that Jesus’ mother and brothers would not have been pleased. He made a choice and set a boundary, knowing his family might be upset. Why would Jesus do this? He loved his family. He honored his mother. He set a boundary because in this situation, his family was seeking to prevent him from obeying His Heavenly Father. His family, even with their good intentions, was, in this moment, spiritually toxic to him. Jesus chose to please God rather than man.

Many Christians today face this same challenge. Perhaps your spouse is not a believer and does not want you to attend church. What should you do? Some have told me, “I want to show love and support for my spouse. I need to put my marriage first and honor his request. I don’t want him to be angry with me.” While it may be true that stopping your participation in church would placate your spouse, it will not create more love and oneness in your marriage.

In fact, two serious consequences will likely come from this failed boundary. First, your spouse has succeeded in their inappropriate attempt to control your spiritual life and choices. With that success, he or she will likely seek to exert more control in additional areas of your life. Second, and more important, you have made the choice to please your spouse rather than please God.

Reflection Question: Where might you be trying to please family members at the expense of pleasing God? What boundary might you need to establish?

Scripture: Galatians 6:1

In Galatians, we see that our response to sin should not just be to “let it go.” Rather, we can face difficult situations with a spirit of gentleness and a heart that is eager for restoration. I want to share an example of a couple seeking to establish healthy boundaries with their parents. Steve and Karen reached out to an expert in grandparenting ministry for help with a difficult situation with Karen’s parents. They were observing a pattern of her parents behaving in unhealthy ways around their two children, ages five and seven. Her father had a long-standing habit of swearing and did not hesitate to use this kind of language around the kids. Her mother had a pattern of putting herself in the position of “the mom,” even to the point of undercutting Steve and Karen’s parenting. She quickly took on the role of primary disciplinarian, setting up her own rules, and was unduly harsh in the process.

Though Steve and Karen were concerned, they did not address the issues for many months. In their family, problems were not dealt with directly. They did not want to do anything to dishonor Karen’s parents. Instead, they chose the “path of peace,” hoping that things would get better over time.

They soon noticed three things beginning to happen. First, the unhealthy patterns from the grandparents were getting worse. Second, the children were becoming increasingly upset, even at the mention of going to visit the grandparents. Third, Steve and Karen were becoming angry and bitter. Something had to change. The “path of peace” was only making things worse.

Their counselor encouraged them to take a risk, to “establish a boundary” and directly address the issue with Karen’s parents. They asked the grandparents if there was a good time for them to have a personal conversation, and this is a summary of how Steve approached the conversation:

“Thank you for being willing to talk with us. First, we want to tell you that we love you and appreciate you. Because we care about our relationship with you and your relationship with our kids, we need to have an important conversation. Dad, I know that you use some swearwords, but those are not appropriate words to use in our house or around our children. It is not good for the kids to hear that kind of language. Mom, sometimes when you are dealing with the kids, especially when they misbehave, you are harsh with them. Also, there have been times when you know that we have a rule for something, but you ignore our rules and establish your own. This is a pattern that needs to change. We want to have a great relationship with you, and we want you to have great relationships with the kids. But if these things don’t change, we won’t be able to spend as much time together.”

Reflection Question: What unhealthy patterns might you need to address with a family member, and what specific boundaries may be appropriate to establish?

Scriptures: Mark 6:4-13, Galatians 1:10

In some family systems, hurtful behavior is swept under the rug. Relationships become damaged and frayed, with issues never getting discussed. Meanwhile, anger and coldness seethe under the surface. Unhealthy behavior is continually tolerated, and so it continues. We have seen this pattern many times in our counseling ministry. When one family member decides that he or she has had enough of these patterns and directly confronts the hurtful behavior, the other family members frequently turn on them and accuse them of causing the problem.

Imagine your house is burning down, but no one is talking about it. Everyone is still inside and going about their business. You shout, “The house is on fire!” To which everyone shouts back, “Shut your mouth! How could you be so mean to say such a thing about our house?” I just want to give you fair warning that setting boundaries will require courage and will stir things up, as you are no longer “playing along” with the broken family system. You are unwilling to sit silently in a house that is burning down around you. When you set boundaries, you may be accused of being unloving, but in reality, you have shifted into a mode where you are loving enough to do something to help the family move toward healing.

Setting boundaries challenges the status quo. It disrupts the unhealthy patterns that may have defined your family for years or even generations. When you refuse to participate in these patterns any longer, it forces others to confront realities they’d prefer to ignore. This will make many people uncomfortable.

Remember that Jesus himself was rejected by many in his hometown when he spoke the truth. The apostle Paul was frequently opposed by those who preferred their old ways of living. Standing for truth and health in relationships often means standing alone at first. But in the long run, healthy boundaries create the possibility for genuine healing and reconciliation.

Reflection Question: What fears do you have about being seen as “the bad guy” if you establish needed boundaries? Pray for God to give you the strength to face a difficult family situation.

Scripture: 1 Corinthians 10:31

Sometimes we need to set boundaries with a family member. We need to say no to move the relationship toward healing. However, there are times when seeking reconciliation in a relationship means setting boundaries on ourselves.

I have “workaholic tendencies,” and this was especially true in my twenties and thirties. I struggled setting any boundaries around my work hours. As a youth pastor, there was always one more student who needed me, one more small-group lesson to prepare, and one more leader to recruit. Not surprisingly, my lack of personal boundaries began to damage my relationship with my wife.

Here is a script that began to repeat itself. I would leave for work in the morning, and my wife would ask, “What time are you coming home tonight?” “Hmmm, I think around five-thirty.” “Great! I’ll see you then.”

Then around 4:30 p.m. I would receive a call from a parent who was dealing with a situation with their teen, asking if I could come over to their house to help. After saying yes, I would quickly call home and say, “Honey, I know I said I’d be home at five-thirty, but the Green family really needs my help tonight, so I probably won’t be home until eight o’clock.”

My wife knew what she signed up for when she married a pastor. It is not a “regular” nine-to-five job. She also understood that pastoral crises would naturally arise from time to time, so she gave her full support to me in those situations. The problem was that these “pastoral crises” were not “from time to time.” They were standard operating procedure. Because of my struggle with saying no at work, I was effectively saying an even bigger no to my family.

In the summer of 2004, God brought me to a place of brokenness and repentance about these unhealthy boundaries. The Lord convicted me that I had been putting my spiritual opportunities (my public ministry) in front of my spiritual responsibilities (my ministry to my family). I confessed and repented to my wife and children. I committed to them that I wanted to put them first, and one of the ways I needed to do that was by putting appropriate boundaries around my public ministry. As God helped me to say no at appropriate times at work, my family felt loved, and our marriage improved.

Reflection Question: In what area of your life might you need to establish better personal boundaries in order to show your love and commitment to your family?