Scriptures: Philippians 4:6-7, Matthew 7:8

First Things First—Pray!

Philippians 4:6-7 contains such an amazing promise. It teaches us that instead of worrying about our problems, we can take them directly to God and receive His peace while He goes to work in our situation.

This also applies when it comes to our marriage. Why wouldn’t we want to have that peace that “transcends all understanding” from the get-go?

For my husband, Dave, and me, peace was not even a concept in the early days of our marriage. Six years in, I think if Dave could have asked for a second chance, he might have offered God another rib and said, “Lord how about a new model; this one isn’t working!”

Fortunately, Dave didn’t trade me in. But He did ask God to change me in areas that were causing us so much pain, and after a period of time, I did begin to change in those areas. In fact, it was during this time that I began reading and studying God’s Word.

Don’t get discouraged, though, if things don’t change right away. For me, I got worse before I got better. When God was dealing with me, I felt more stubborn than ever before I started to improve—it made me mad to find out that I was the one who needed to make a change. In time though, God slowly but surely changed me through His Word. He not only healed me, but also healed our marriage.

I believe that many times people give up praying because they want instantaneous success and immediate answers. They start the process, but don’t see it all the way through. But when you’re persistent to pray for your marriage, know that God hears you and is constantly working behind the scenes to help—so don’t give up!

Remember what Jesus says: For everyone who keeps on asking receives, and he who keeps on seeking finds, and to him who keeps on knocking, it will be opened (Matthew 7:8 AMP).

Pray: “God, through the ups and downs in my marriage, please let me come to you first. Help me to focus on Your will and Your timing. Fill me with Your peace that transcends all understanding, and help me to continually place my spouse and my trust in Your hands. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

Scripture: 1 Peter 4:8

Check Your (Unrealistic) Expectations at the Door

Over the years, the Lord has taught me some great lessons about marriage, and I think one of the most important things we can do is examine our expectations. You see, having unrealistic expectations can sabotage a marriage before it ever really gets started. So many people enter marriage expecting their spouse to be something they’re not.  

It’s become a long-standing joke—especially for women—that we look at the person we’re going to marry and think, I can change them. Sadly, this is the way I viewed my husband during the early years of our marriage.

Dave and I have completely opposite personalities. He’s naturally laid back and easygoing, always looking at the bright side of things. However, I’m more of your typical “Type A” personality. I’m highly-motivated…but can also be too harsh and insensitive.

Well, for years, I tried to get Dave to be more aggressive like me. On one occasion, after I continued to discuss how passive he was, Dave finally got really upset and said, “Joyce, you better be glad I’m this way. Because if I wasn’t, you wouldn’t be doing what you’re doing!” I got the message loud and clear!

The Lord used this experience to help show me the dangers of nit-picking Dave about things I perceive as weaknesses. Even if Dave does need to change in an area, God is truly the only One Who can change him—my pestering will only make things worse and drive a wedge between us.    

If you’re constantly trying to change your spouse, you end up focusing on all of their weaknesses and things you don’t like. Dave is a great husband, and I honestly have no complaints. But if I began to dwell and focus on little things that might annoy me from time to time, I would eventually see nothing else and actually make myself (and him) miserable. 

Conversely, when I magnify the good and focus on everything I really like about him, it produces feelings of gratitude, love and joy…and the “bad stuff” suddenly seems less important.   

Pray: “Lord, teach me to focus on the good in my spouse. Help me to remember that neither of us are perfect, and that You are the only One who can truly grant peace and happiness. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

Scriptures: Proverbs 15:1, Ecclesiastes 3:7, 1 Peter 4:8

Communication Is Key

Working through things with your spouse is a natural part of life. There are times when we will need to discuss something that was said or done or talk through a situation where we’re not seeing eye to eye. But when and how we do it makes all the difference!  

Timing is extremely important in good communication. Ecclesiastes 3:7 says there’s a time to speak and a time to be silent. There’s a time to talk about a problem and a time to leave it alone. I learned early on that one of the most spiritual things I could do is keep my mouth shut.

This doesn’t mean you should never talk about an issue, but you should look for the right time to discuss the topic if you want to be well-received.

I encourage you to form a habit of asking the Lord what you should do. The key to improvement is to learn to bring up an issue when God says…and leave an issue alone when He says to leave it alone.

Similarly, in all of your communication with your spouse, I think it’s good to ask yourself, Am I doing this in love? What are my motives? Am I looking for resolution…or am I really just trying to “win”?

The Bible says that love covers a multitude of sins (see 1 Peter 4:8). If our motives are right and our spouse can really tell our desire is to walk in love, it goes a long way! Even if you don’t do or say everything right, a loving attitude can make up the difference.  

I encourage you to ask the Lord to help you become a better communicator with your spouse. Ask for His guidance and direction to know not only when to speak, but how to speak in love.

With the help of the Holy Spirit, you can learn to communicate in a loving way that will strengthen every single part of your marriage.

Pray: “God, please help give me the words I need to talk with my spouse. Help me understand their perspective, and give me the wisdom to communicate mine. Give me an ear to listen, and the patience and love to overcome any frustrations we might face. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

Scripture: Ecclesiastes 3:12-13

Live Together, Laugh Together

One of the hardest things for couples to do is remember to have fun on a day-to-day basis. It’s so easy to fall into the routine of daily life and forget to enjoy the little moments with our spouse. So sometimes, it’s best to make your own special moments! 

For instance, even though we’re older, Dave and I still chase each other around the house. One time, a few years back, we were chasing each other through the house at night playing tag. I would run and tap him, then take off running and shout, “I got you last.” Then he would chase me and say, “I got you last.” And we’d keep going back and forth.

Well, I ran outside, through the front door, and around our cul-de-sac. I was running as fast as I could go, then I turned to run back to the house. The overhead garage door was partially opened, but it was dark outside, so I couldn’t see that the dark brown door wasn’t opened all the way. I ran right into it, hitting the top of my head; the impact knocked me off my feet and cut my head open.

Dave had to take me to the hospital to get stitches. So, there I was with a gash in my head, and they were probing for the story, “Honey, can you tell us what happened?”

I said, “Well, we were playing, ‘I got you last.’” The nurse said, “You were doing what?”

I said, “We were playing ‘I got you last.’ I was chasing him and he was chasing me. You know, ‘tag — you’re it, I got you last.’ Then I ran into the garage door.”

She said, “I’ve worked here a long time, and I have seen every kind of situation. But we have never had a case of ‘I got you last.’”

Couples need to take every opportunity available each day to laugh. Seize the moment, and make each other laugh about something. I was always so serious and sober—always trying to solve some problem. But I’ve learned to be more childlike and lighthearted.

I encourage you to have fun and don’t be so serious all the time. Plan playtime together like you did as a kid. Begin looking for the humor in every situation and call it out at unexpected moments. Choose to laugh at yourself! Because when it comes to a healthy marriage, you can never, ever underestimate the power of simply laughing and having fun.

Pray: “God, thank you for the little moments in life. When life gets tedious, please remind me to laugh and simply enjoy living with my spouse. Teach us to take breaks and play from time to time, and remember our sense of childlike wonder at Your creation. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

Scriptures: Genesis 2:24, Matthew 18:19

The Joy of Intimacy

At my conferences, when I teach on this subject of intimacy and sex, the auditorium goes suddenly still, or people begin to laugh and giggle. People get very uncomfortable when the subject of sex is mentioned, yet cultivating intimacy is one of the most important keys to enjoying a successful marriage.

Today, I love and enjoy my husband, and we have a good time together. But coming from an abusive background, I wasn’t always at ease with my own sexuality. When it was time to come together in an intimate way, I was tense and rigid. I refused to leave any of the lights on, and I couldn’t even open my eyes. I had real problems because of the way that I had been treated before I married Dave.

Buried in the back of my mind was the thought, This whole act is not right. As I prayed and sought God’s help, He slowly but surely began to help me view intimacy and sex for what He created it to be—a loving act between me and my husband that strengthens our relationship. And with time—and Dave’s incredible patience and kindness—God healed my emotional wounds from the past and brought me into a new place of freedom where I could truly enjoy my sex life. 

You see, unless perverted outside of marriage, God designed sex to be holy, fun and wholesome! It brings two people into a closeness that cannot be found in any other way except through a right relationship in a marriage union.

Think about it: If Satan works so hard at perverting something, it’s because he knows how much power there is in cultivating a good sex life. He knows what the Word says. He heard Jesus say, “Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven” (Matthew 18:19 NIV).

Agreement is a powerful weapon of spiritual warfare against the enemy. Two people who are in agreement can cause miracles to happen. If a husband and wife are in agreement, Satan comprehends the damage they could do to his own plan to steal the blessings of God from them.

As the years go by in a marriage, I know this can be an area that gets put to the side. But I encourage you to take purposeful steps to increase intimacy with your spouse. Choose to view sex and intimacy as a gift from God to add more joy and fun into your marriage. As you do, it will strengthen your relationship, and you will enjoy a closer bond than ever before.

Pray: “God, thank You for the gift of intimacy in marriage. Help me and my spouse to remember that this gift comes from You. It is not something to be afraid of, but it’s a powerful form of staying in agreement and keeping the upper hand over the enemy. We ask You to draw us closer to each other so we can enjoy greater intimacy—emotionally, physically, and in every way. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”