Each day, learn a new biblically-grounded concept that you can begin applying immediately in your family. When you lead your family by living out love, mutual respect, intentionality, and service, you’ll see their relationships with you and with each other radically transformed.
Randy Allsbury at Family ID (Family-Intentional Direction)
Day 1
Scripture: Philippians 2:3-8
1: Better Than My Best Friend
One of the simplest ways you can transform your family’s relationships is by passing a new family law: “We will treat each other better than our best friend.”
Most families have given in to the myth that siblings aren’t going to be nice to each other, and that we all just have to accept that. But at Family-iD, we believe that HOME should be the safest place for all family members, relationally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
About ten years ago, I was in my room replying to emails when I heard a commotion in the living room. I went to investigate, walking in just in time to see the final crushing blows of a no-holds-barred fistfight between my 12-year-old son, Avery, and my 16-year-old son, Austin. I led both boys back to my room to sort things out.
“So, boys…” I began, as calmly as I could, “What exactly was that all about?”
Avery was quick with his answer. “You told me to take out the trash, so I did. But when I came back in, Austin had taken my seat on the couch, and he’d taken my pillow and blanket and changed the channel. I told him to change the channel back, and when I tried to pull my pillow and blanket away from him, he hit me.”
I turned my attention to Austin. “Is that true, buddy?” Austin looked down and nodded sheepishly. “Let me ask you something, Austin. What if it had been your best friend Ben who’d been out of the room? What would you have done if he came back and wanted his spot and his blanket?”
Austin thought for a minute. “I guess I would have apologized and given him back his stuff.”
“And what about you, Avery?” I asked. “What if, let’s say, it was Chris who had taken your spot and your blanket?”
Avery said, “Well, Chris is my best friend. And if he was over, that would mean he was here as my guest. So I probably wouldn’t have said anything. I would have just gotten myself another blanket and watched whatever he wanted.”
Write up some kind of family agreement that says, in your own words:
“IN OUR FAMILY, WE WILL TREAT EACH OTHER BETTER THAN OUR BEST FRIEND!”
Day 2
Scripture: Psalms 126:2-3
2: Make Family Night a Regular Event
Making time to spend time together with your family is the foundation of building relationships. Dr. Jim A. Talley says, “Relationships go up when you spend conflict-free time together.” Implementing a regular family night is a great way to keep that foundation intact — and to simply enjoy being together.
With all the sports, extracurricular activities, school, and church functions — and more — that we pack into our busy lives these days, time easily slips away from us. If we’re not intentional about putting family time on the schedule, chances are, it won’t happen. And as time goes by, everyone in the family will eventually become so used to doing their own thing that then family time together just feels awkward.
Don’t let that happen in your family. Be intentional about making regular family time a priority. Eat together. Play games together. Laugh and have a good time. Do something together as a family. And be sure you choose things that are fun for everybody. Make fun memories together — as a family.
“Teenagers don’t rebel against authority; they rebel against a lack of relationship.” —Greg C. Gunn
Day 3
Scriptures: Genesis 18:17-19, Philippians 2:1-2
3: Verbalize How Great Your Family Is
Everyone wants to be a part of a great family. Talk to your kids about what it is that makes your family unique, special, and great. Reminisce often about fun times you’ve had together. Recount the stories about funny things that have happened. Tell your children about specific times that they made you proud because of their great attitude, their achievements — or for any other reason.
Regularly encourage everyone to share their dreams and ideas with the family. Then cheerlead for them. Demonstrate for your family how we can be excited for one another about all of the amazing possibilities the future holds for each of us.
Talk together about how God has answered your family’s prayers. Constantly remind your kids that God created each of them in His image, and talk with them about how God put them in their family — this specific family — for a special purpose.
Your children will gain confidence knowing that they’re part of a great family, serving a great God!
At every opportunity, every time something happens, something great, something funny, something exciting, or even just a pleasant evening at home, say:
“WE HAVE THE GREATEST FAMILY IN THE WORLD!”
Day 4
Scriptures: Deuteronomy 32:2, Titus 2:6-8
4: Teach During Non-Conflict Times
Gary Ezzo, the author of Growing Kids God’s Way, wrote: “Moral truth is best communicated in periods of non-conflict. That doesn’t mean we will not teach at times of correction, but it does mean a healthy dose of moral enlightenment should take place throughout the day and in the moments of non-conflict, when the child is not in a position to have to defend his or her actions.”
To add to that, when you see your child do something right — say, gracefully receiving “no” for an answer, or being spontaneously generous, or treating someone kindly, or pleasantly sharing with someone else — highlight that good behavior. Make sure they know that you noticed. Reward them with affirmation. Positive behavior is a big deal, and you should celebrate it together!
Help your kids learn to plan good behavior ahead of time. When you know you’re going to be going out somewhere, remind your kids of specific times when you’ve seen them behave well in the past. Then express your clear expectations for what behavior will be appropriate for wherever it is that you’re going.
“Dads, communicate encouraging words to your children. If you don’t, they’ll internalize your silence as rejection.” —Greg C. Gunn
Day 5
Scripture: 1 Samuel 7:10-14
5: Create Reminder Memorials
In 1 Samuel 7, the prophet Samuel and the Israelites found themselves under attack by the Philistines. Having lost their first battle with the Philistines, the Israelites begged Samuel to pray for them ahead of the next one. Samuel offered a sacrifice to God and prayed to ask for His protection. God heard Samuel’s prayer, and He gave the victory to the Israelites. Afterwards, to commemorate God’s favor toward them, Samuel set up a stone between Mizpeh and Shen, where the battle had happened. He named that monument Eben-Ezer, which means “stone of help,” announcing to the people, “Thus far the Lord has helped us.”
Certainly your family has faced challenges in the past. You’ll also inevitably experience spiritual battles in the future. But when you do, acknowledge the ways in which God is leading your family. Encourage them that God gives us strength to weather difficult times together.
And when you emerge on the other side of adversity, invest some time in creating your own “memorial stones” together as a family. Gather things that will help remind all of you how — just as God helped Samuel and the Israelites — He also helps you. Your memorial can be anything that makes sense for your family, as long as it jogs your memory and reminds you all of God’s providence in your life together. We’ve seen families make scrapbooks, shadow boxes with mementos, keepsake boxes, framed art, and journals. Really, the only limit is your imagination.
Then when neighbor kids come over, your kids will be excited to tell them about the battle, and all about the specific ways our loving God always comes through for our family — time and time again.
Day 6
Scripture: Romans 12:9-16
6: Cultivate an Attitude of Happiness for Others
A young mother felt challenged year after year to keep her two children’s birthdays “fair.” Although the kids were born two years apart, they were born on the same day of the year. When they were little, they enjoyed sharing a birthday party. But as they grew older, each child wanted their own special party. Inevitably, every year, one party always seemed to turn out better than the other. One child always felt like they had the bad party, while their sibling enjoyed the awesome party.
But it doesn’t have to be that way. We can learn to keep our hearts and minds so full of joy for others that there’s no room left for jealousy! Model for your kids how they can focus on all of the blessings that God bestows on us as a family. Demonstrate how we can keep our words positive and uplifting. Create a family atmosphere that constantly cheers on the blessings that others receive, both in your family and outside your family.
Your kids will fall into the comparison trap if that’s where you lead them. Someone else will always have something nicer than you do. But the truth is, you’ll also always have something nicer than what someone else has. So what’s the point? When we compare ourselves to others, the Bible says that is “not wise.” Living in gratitude is so much better. Treat others the way you would want to be treated. Be happy for them when they experience good fortune.
“Gratitude is the opposite of greed. Raise thankful children, and they won’t envy others.” —Greg C. Gunn
Day 7
Scripture: Matthew 25:31-40
7: Serve Together as a Family
Intentionally creating great memories together as a family can be a constant source of joy, building confidence and values into each member of your family. Work to create a family environment that your family is proud to be a part of. Teach them great character by being a family that serves others together.
This doesn’t have to be complicated. As an example, you could take your family to the dollar store and let your kids pick out 10-20 pairs of socks, small toothpaste tubes, toothbrushes, and some snacks. Then together as a family, make 10-20 little care packages and head downtown. When you find people in need, offer them a care package and ask if you can pray with them.
Your family could volunteer for community service, serve at church, visit the elderly in a retirement community, or take all of their trick-or-treat candy to the children in a hospital. Whatever you choose, do it together, and give your kids every opportunity to see you serving others with joy. They’ll understand intuitively the things that you value as a family. The great memories you create together will become a permanent part of them, and you’ll see them living out the Word of God in their own lives.