Awesome Relationships

Scripture: 1 John 1:7-8

Authentic Friendships 

In Christian fellowship, people should experience authenticity.

Authentic fellowship is not superficial, surface-level chit-chat. It’s genuine, heart-to-heart, sometimes gut-level sharing. 

It happens when people get honest about who they are and what is happening in their lives. They share their hurts, reveal their feelings, confess their failures, disclose their doubts, admit their fears, acknowledge their weaknesses, and ask for help and prayer.

Unfortunately, authenticity is the opposite of what you find in some churches. Instead of an atmosphere of honesty and humility, you encounter pretending, role-playing, superficial politeness, and shallow conversation. 

People wear masks, keep their guard up, and act as if everything is rosy in their lives. These attitudes are the death of real friendship. 

It’s only when we become open about our lives that we experience authentic fellowship. The Bible says, “If we live in the light, as God is in the light, we can share fellowship with each other . . . If we say we have no sin, we are fooling ourselves” (1 John 1:7-8 NCV).

The world thinks intimacy occurs in the dark, but God says it happens in the light. We tend to use darkness to hide our hurts, faults, fears, failures, and flaws. But when we bring these into the light, we’re able to admit who we really are.

Being authentic requires both courage and humility. It means facing our fear of exposure, rejection, or being hurt again. 

Why would anyone take such a risk? 

Because it’s the only way to grow spiritually and become emotionally healthy. The Bible says, “Make this your common practice: Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed” (James 5:16 The Message). That sounds like a risk worth taking.

Talk It Over

Which of these is most difficult for you to do with a friend: share hurts, reveal feelings, confess failures, disclose doubts, admit fears, acknowledge weaknesses, or ask for help and prayer? Why do you think this is so?

Think of a time when you were able to confess a weakness to a friend. How did that affect your relationship?

How can you make yourself available to a friend this week so that they can be open and vulnerable with you?

Scripture: 2 Timothy 1:7

Be Courageous in Your Relationships

When we’re full of fear and anxiety, we can’t get close to others. We’re afraid of being rejected, manipulated, vulnerable, hurt, or used. All of these fears cause us to disconnect.

This struggle is as old as Adam and Eve. After they sinned, God came looking for them, and Adam told God, “I was afraid, and I hid.” People have been hiding ever since then. We’re afraid, so we don’t let people know what we’re really like. If they see behind our mask, they’ll see the truth, and if they don’t like it, we’ll feel hurt and rejected. So we pretend to be someone or something that we’re not.

Fear does three terrible things to relationships. First, it makes us defensive. We’re afraid to reveal ourselves. When people point out our weaknesses, we retaliate or defend ourselves.

Second, our fears keep us distant. We won’t let people get close to us. We want to withdraw and hide our emotions. We don’t want to be transparent and honest. 

Third, our fears make us demanding. The more insecure we are, the more we attempt to control everything. So we try to have the last word in a relationship. We try to dominate. These are always symptoms of fear and insecurity.

Where do you get the courage to be transparent and honest, so you’ll experience deeper relationships with others? You get it from God’s Spirit in your life. Paul tells us in 2 Timothy 1:7, “The Holy Spirit, God’s gift, does not want you to be afraid of people, but to be wise and strong, and to love them and enjoy being with them” (TLB). 

When you’re filled with God’s Spirit, you’ll be more courageous in your relationships. You’ll have a deeper love for others, which also means you won’t be afraid to be yourself around them. The Bible says, “God is love” and “Love casts out all fear.” The more of God you have in your life, the less fear you’ll have in your relationships. 

Start deepening your relationships by doing this: Pause, pray, and say, “God, give me the courage to take the first step.” 

Talk It Over

Identify one relationship where you need to ask for God’s help to take the first step toward intimacy. Commit to doing what God tells you to do.

What are specific ways you can know God better so that you have less fear?

Why is vulnerability so important in deepening a relationship?

Scripture: 1 John 4:18

Love Builds Relationships

It’s an amazing dilemma we have as human beings: We long to be close to others, but we also fear being close. We long to experience intimacy with others, but we’re also scared of it. 

Fear and insecurity prevent intimacy within relationships. You can’t get close to someone else if there’s fear in the relationship. If insecurity undermines your relationships, then what will build them up? 

The answer is love. The Bible says, “Love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love” (1 John 4:18 NLT). 

How does love expel all fear? 

Love takes the spotlight off you and helps you focus on the uniqueness of others. People often ask me, “Do you ever get nervous when you’re talking to so many people at Saddleback Church?” The answer is, “Of course!” But you know what keeps me from being fearful? Love! It helps me focus on the people in front of me, instead of getting absorbed in my own insecurities and fears. The minute I start thinking about how much I love my church family and how we serve God together, the fear disappears.

It’s the same in any relationship. Let love help you focus on the other person, and that will drive your fear out of the relationship. 

The moment you begin to understand how much God loves you, you’ll realize you don’t have to prove yourself anymore. You don’t have to spend your life trying to impress other people, because you already know that God loves you. 

Your identity and self-worth are not caught up in what others might think of you. When you’re secure in your relationship with Christ, you’re no longer pressured by anybody else’s expectations. God’s love frees you to love others fearlessly. And because of that, you can live a free and fulfilling life.

Talk It Over

What insecurities or fears keep you from opening your life and heart to someone, whether it’s your spouse, a friend, or a family member? How can you trust God’s love and release your fears?

In what ways does our culture fuel insecurity in our relationships?

What do you think God sees when he looks at you? Ask him to show you this week just how much he loves you.

Scriptures: James 4:1, Galatians 6:7-8

Less of Me and More of You

Selfishness ruins relationships. It is the number one cause of conflict, arguments, divorce, and even war.

James 4:1 says, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?” (NIV). Every trouble starts because of our self-centeredness. 

At the beginning of a relationship, you work really hard at being unselfish. But as time goes on, selfishness creeps in. We tend to put more energy into starting and building relationships than we do in maintaining them. 

If selfishness ruins relationships, then it is selflessness that makes them grow. What does selflessness mean? It means less of “me” and more of “you.” It means thinking of others more than thinking of yourself and putting another person’s needs before your own, according to Philippians 2:4.

Selflessness brings out the best in others. It builds trust in relationships. In fact, if you start acting selfless in a relationship, it forces the other person to change. Once you’re not the same person anymore, that person has to relate to you differently. Some of the most unlovable people are transformed when someone is kind and selfless toward them—when they’re given what they need, not what they deserve. 

The Bible says in Galatians 6:7-8, “The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others—ignoring God!—harvests a crop of weeds. All he’ll have to show for his life is weeds! But the one who plants in response to God, letting God’s Spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, eternal life” (The Message).

This is the biblical principle of sowing and reaping. What you sow, you’re going to reap. God rewards selflessness with eternal life. He has wired the universe so that the more unselfish you are, the more he blesses you. Why? Because he wants you to become like him, and God is unselfish. Everything you have in life is a gift from God, because he was unselfish with you.

You experience the deepest fulfillment when you give yourself away. Jesus said, “Only those who throw away their lives for my sake and for the sake of the Good News will ever know what it means to really live” (Mark 8:35 TLB). 

Talk It Over

What is one of the hardest things for you to give to someone else?

How can you practice giving that thing away this week?

In what ways has God blessed you when you have been unselfish?

Scripture: Romans 15:2

Love People by Listening

Listening is probably the most important skill in building friendships and relationships, because you can’t love people without listening to them.

There’s a big difference between hearing and listening. You can hear something without really listening. I can’t tell you how many arguments I’ve had with my kids or my wife because I was focused on the words and wasn’t listening to the emotions. Sometimes the words don’t even matter. Somebody can say to you, “I’m fine,” but the way they say it tells you they’re not fine. Listening means you also hear what the person isn’t saying. 

That’s called empathy. Empathy means to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and learn their point of view. You ask yourself, “How would I feel if I were in that situation?”

Listening with empathy means you listen without interruption and you listen for fears and feelings. You listen for what the other person isn’t saying. You’re not trying to fix the situation. Sometimes healing comes just by listening! 

Romans 15:2 says, “We must bear the ‘burden’ of being considerate of the doubts and fears of others” (TLB).

What does it mean to be considerate of other people’s doubts? It means that when people are in so much pain and hurting so badly, they need the devotion of a loyal friend—someone who will be present and listen with empathy. Choose to be that kind of friend.

Talk It Over

What are some specific ways your body language can demonstrate that you are really listening to another person?

What is the benefit of asking yourself, “How would I feel if I were in that situation?”

What are some ways you can limit interruptions and distractions when you are trying to listen to someone?

Scripture: Proverbs 16:18

Humility Is the Antidote

Pride destroys relationships. It shows up in many different ways, including criticism, competition, stubbornness, and superficiality. 

The problem with pride is that it’s self-deceiving. When you have a problem with pride, everyone except you can see it.

Proverbs 16:18 says, “Pride leads to destruction; a proud attitude brings ruin” (NCV). The Message paraphrase says it this way: “First pride, then the crash—the bigger the ego, the harder the fall.”

Pride destroys relationships, but humility is the antidote to pride. Humility builds relationships. The Bible says in 1 Peter 3:8, “Everyone must live in harmony, be sympathetic, love each other, have compassion, and be humble” (GW). 

How do you grow in humility? It happens by letting Jesus Christ begin to control your thoughts, heart, attitudes, and reactions. Ephesians 4:23-24 says, “Let the Spirit change your way of thinking and make you into a new person” (CEV). 

How do you become a new person? How do you start to think differently? The basic law of relationships is this: You tend to become like the people you spend time with. If you spend time with grumpy people, you get grumpier. If you spend time with happy people, you get happier.

If you want to have more humility, spend time with Jesus Christ. He is humble. He wants a relationship with you. He wants you to spend time with him in prayer and reading his Word. As you get to know him, you’ll become more like him. 

“Be humble and give more honor to others than to yourselves . . . You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to” (Philippians 2:3, 5-6 NCV/NLT).

Jesus showed powerful humility when he came to earth as a man. He willingly gave his life for us and was resurrected for us. Spending time with Jesus will make you humbler, and that humility will flow into your other relationships.

Talk It Over

What are some of the common characteristics and habits of people that you consider humble?

How might you change the way you think about other people, so you think more like Jesus?

What does it mean to give more honor to others than to yourself?

Scripture: Proverbs 11:13

Creating Trust in Your Friendships

Trust in a relationship is what makes the difference between an acquaintance and a friend. You talk to acquaintances, but you trust your friends. 

You need at least one person in your life that can be a safe person for you, where you say, “I can share anything with that person. He’s not going to look at me crossways. She’s not going to reject me. He’s not going to dump me. She’s going to be there for me.” You need a safe person that you can share everything with—your fears, your doubts, and your insecurities. 

It’s essential that what is said between you and that person remains confidential. And for you to be a safe person for someone else, you have to commit to confidentiality, too.

The Bible says that you build trust in a friendship by keeping confidences: “No one who gossips can be trusted with a secret, but you can put confidence in someone who is trustworthy” (Proverbs 11:13 GNT).

Do you have a safe person in your life? If not, pray about it and ask God to help you find someone you can trust.

And how about you? Are you ready to be a safe person for someone else? Talk to God and ask him to prepare you to be a safe and confidential friend to someone else. You may not be ready yet, but he will prepare you as you follow his direction.

Talk It Over

Would your friends describe you as a trustworthy person? Why or why not?

What is a right, appropriate response when someone initiates gossip with you?

What can you do to become a “safer” friend?

Scripture: Philippians 1:4

Positive Prayer Strengthens Your Relationships

Think of somebody who irritates you—maybe somebody you’ve got a strained relationship with or who just pushes your buttons. Do you pray for that person, or do you just complain and grumble and nag and nitpick? If you prayed more for the relationship, you’d have a lot less to be negative about. It’s your decision. 

Does nagging work? No. Does prayer work? Yes. Do you ever wonder why you do more of the thing that doesn’t work than the thing that does? 

Paul says in Philippians 1:4, “Whenever I pray, I make my requests for all of you with joy” (NLT). Paul didn’t just pray for people in his life. He prayed with joy!

Positive praying is more effective than positive thinking. All the positive thinking in the world isn’t going to change your spouse, your child, your friend, or your situation. Positive thinking can change you, but it won’t change anyone else. On the other hand, positive prayer can make a difference in someone else. 

Do you want to know the quickest way to transform a bad relationship into a good one? Start praying for the other person! It will change you, and it can change the other person. 

Paul even told us how to pray for others: “This is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God” (Philippians 1:9-11 NIV).

From these verses, we can learn to pray for the people in our lives in four ways:

Pray that they will grow in love: “This is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight.”

Pray that they will make wise choices: “. . . so that you may be able to discern what is best . . .”

Pray that they will live with integrity: “. . . and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ . . .”

Pray that they will become like Jesus: “. . . filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God.” 

Pray these for yourself and anyone else in your life and watch how God turns around the relationship you thought was hopeless. Nothing is impossible with God!

Talk It Over

If you have a strained relationship with someone, how can you include these four things in your prayers for that person?

How have you seen positive prayer change another person? How have you seen it change you?

Take a moment to look at Galatians 5:22-23. What is the “fruit of righteousness” that comes through Jesus Christ?

Scripture: 1 Thessalonians 5:11

Help Each Other Grow

One of the marks of awesome relationships is that you help each other grow.

There are two methods that help people grow and two that don’t. 

Here’s how you help each other:

Grow through example. Jesus did this in teaching his disciples. John 13:14-15 says, “Since I . . . have washed your feet, you ought to wash each other’s feet. I have given you an example to follow. Do as I have done to you” (NLT). People don’t want to hear a sermon. They want to see an example of Jesus in your life.

Grow through conversations. In order to grow in relationships, you should have critical conversations about real issues. Dedicate time to having conversations around the things that really matter in life. 

Two ways that don’t help people: 

Criticism won’t help someone grow. Nagging doesn’t work. Condemning doesn’t work. Criticizing and complaining are totally ineffective in helping a person grow. Why? Because when you criticize, you’re focusing on what you don’t want rather than what you do want. 

Comparing won’t help someone grow. Everybody’s unique. Nobody in the world is like you! That’s why comparing never, ever works. In fact, it’s lethal to any relationship. The Bible says, “Each person should judge his own actions and not compare himself with others. Then he can be proud for what he himself has done” (Galatians 6:4 NCV).

The Bible says, “Love one another.” “Care for one another.” “Pray for one another.” “Encourage one another.” “Help one another.” “Counsel one another.” “Support one another.” These kinds of statements go on and on. In the New Testament, we’re told to “build each other up, just as in fact [we] are doing” (1 Thessalonians 5:11 NIV). That’s the way God meant for it to be.

Talk It Over

Think about the conversations you’ve had recently. How much time did you spend talking about things that really matter in life?

What are ways you can be an example of Jesus to others?

Instead of comparing or criticizing, how can you build up the people in your life?

Scripture: Philippians 1:3

An Attitude of Gratitude

Study after study has linked gratitude to happiness. Psychologists and sociologists have proven that the more grateful you are, the happier you are.

If you want to have healthy relationships, then start with an attitude of gratitude. You will be far happier and enjoy your relationships more if you develop the habit of being grateful for the people in your life. 

Paul says in Philippians 1:3, “Every time I think of you, I give thanks to my God” (NLT).

This simple truth is the foundation of good relationships. 

When you think of the people in your life, is your first feeling gratitude? Or is it, “What do they need to do for me? What problems do we need to resolve? What do we need to get done?” Paul showed us a different way. His first thought for his friends was one of gratitude, and it is the model to follow if we want relationships that last.

Here’s the challenge: The longer you know someone, the more likely you take that person for granted. The longer you know someone, the easier it is to focus on that person’s faults and the bad times instead of the happy times. 

That’s why it takes effort on your part to choose to have an attitude of gratitude for the people in your life. When you develop the habit of thanking God for others, it will cultivate happiness and have a lasting and eternal impact on those relationships. 

Talk It Over

Why would God want you to thank him for the people he has placed in your life?

How can you develop more gratitude for the people in your life? What will help you continue to have gratitude for them?

Tell someone today why you are grateful for them. Be as specific as possible!