A Friend In Me

Scripture: John 13:1-7

“Jesus, Our Example”

We live in a media-saturated world where women seem more connected than ever before. Our problem is we outwardly appear to be close when in fact women feel more isolated than ever. Consequently, many young women want mentors, guides, and role models to whom they can bring their accomplishments and failures to feel affirmed, mutually respected, and understood.

Jesus is a brilliant example of what it means to be a safe haven for others. When we examine his relationship with his disciples, we see that he allowed them to be themselves, even if that meant they would resist his ideas. According to John, in the weeks up to his death, Jesus didn’t minister to the crowds; instead, he spent time with his closest friends. The gospel writer was showing how much Jesus prioritized personal relationships.

Eagerly desiring to show his closest friends something more, Jesus did something for them that, as far as we know, he never did for other human beings: he knelt and washed the feet of all twelve of his disciples. When he came to Peter and lowered himself, Peter objected. He insisted that this Messiah, Lord, and Savior could not wash his dirty feet. On the surface it might have seemed as though Peter was being humble, but that wasn’t the case. His words betrayed his self-reliance: “You shall never wash my feet.” He had no real desire to do Christ’s will. Jesus wisely saw the bigger picture and didn’t walk away from or ignore his friend. Nor did he criticize him for his outburst. Instead he loved him without condition, giving Peter the freedom to express whatever was on his mind.

When people feel safe, they often reveal their truest natures. As Christ revealed his own humility by lowering himself to wash the disciples’ feet, Peter revealed his spiritual independence.

When Jesus healed the sick, the disciples saw his compassion; when he cast out demons and fed the five thousand, they saw his supernatural power. But in this scene they saw his nature: open and humble.

There is a lesson here for those of us who want to build bridges to younger women: when we are humble, others are free to be open around us.

*Are you humble and open in your nature, allowing others to be honest and transparent around you? What are some ways you could grow in this area?

Scriptures: John 17:11, Philippians 2:3, Romans 12:16

“Oneness”

Is the core of your heart a safe place? Can you give others the space to grow, fail, and mature?

David Kinnaman, author of You Lost Me, said, “To follow Jesus, young adults in the next generation—just like the generations before them—will have to learn humility. From whom will they learn it? When they look at us, do they see humble servants and eager students of the Master?”

Our ability to serve those around us depends largely on why we’re doing the serving. The humbler we are—the more aware we are of God’s working power in our lives—the more we can get up from the table, so to speak, set aside what others may think, and give to those closest to us. We can confidently lay aside anything that would get in the way of loving.

When we are humble, we are rarely threatened or embarrassed or insecure. (If we become aware that we are struggling with feeling threatened or insecure, we acknowledge it but don’t let it hold us back.) We are free to focus on the other person and to be present to her.

When we are humble, it paves the way for “oneness.” In John 17:11, Jesus prayed to his Father, asking him to keep his followers in his name, “that they may be one even as we are one.” With age, we can forget how to be “one” with a younger woman—meaning we forget how to be her friend. We are one with a younger woman when we find ways to identify with her: “How’s the child care coming along? I remember when I first started working after my baby was born.” Or “I’m not feeling motivated to exercise. How do you discipline yourself so well?” When we are one with a younger woman, we give her a model for what her relationship with Christ could look like: authentic, safe, practical, intimate, and conversational. When we humbly admit that we want to learn how to support her by being ourselves, we help her experience her identity in Christ. We help her understand that it means to be loved and to be worthy. We help her recognize that her relationship with Christ can be accessible and transparent.

*What are some ways you can identify with the younger women in your life? Are you able to do it openly and with humility?

Scriptures: Ephesians 4:2, Proverbs 27:17

“Qualities of Safe Havens”

Committed to the Relationship:
I’ve experienced a wide variety of relationships with women through work, church, ministry, neighborhoods, and friendships over the years. Not one of those relationships was without its problems. One or two women left the relationship out of offense. Others insisted on being the center of attention. Close relationships can come and go; the strong ones will stay, and we gladly benefit from them. Even when a relationship has problems, it can be one in which “iron sharpens iron”. Properly navigated, close relationships can give a woman such a strong sense of belonging, and the love and support she receives will far outweigh the bad.

Able to Invite Others to Be Vulnerable:
When we invite younger women to share their deeper feelings with us, they feel our love for them. When my friend Olivia slipped in next to me in church one Sunday, I could tell immediately she was trying to hide that something was bothering her. I knew I could just let her be or I could invite her to tell me what was going on in her heart. I leaned over and asked if she was okay. She held herself back and smiled, saying she would be all right. I’ve known Olivia for several years and I knew she didn’t want to burden me. She had fallen into self-reliance, so I persisted, “I can tell something’s wrong.” Then I told her how much I loved her, I’m just enough ahead of her in life to feel confident around my or others’ chaotic feelings. And I’ve experienced God’s peace in those places when someone else spoke a word of truth to me. So I “got up from the table and knelt” before her. Then I said, “If you can’t tell me the truth, we can’t be close friends.” With that, her tears started, and after church she opened up to me. I cried with her so she could say what she needed to say.

It’s important that we send a message to the younger women in our lives that says, “I love you, but you need to be real with me.” In this way, we create an environment where women are free to open up emotionally.

*Do the younger women in your life know you are committed to them? Do you invite them to be vulnerable with you?

Scriptures: Matthew 26:38, 2 Kings 22:11-13

“When in Pain”

Josiah received a gift of pain that was his alone. But like Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane, when Josiah was overwhelmed with sorrow, he asked those closest to him to keep watch and pray.

Pain sears us. It can hollow us too. I know that when affliction comes upon me and I let it settle too long in my bones and blood, I relate to those closest to me in fear. I turn inward and focus on self-pity instead of on God’s purposes for the suffering. When I don’t ask God to search my inner spirit, suffering can turn me into a bitter, cynical, controlling woman. If I let that happen, I will be in an even worse place of pain than I already am.

Because it is so personal, suffering can tempt us to isolate ourselves. But when we cut ourselves off from others, especially the women in our lives, we are exactly where the enemy wants us. We must fight the urge to separate ourselves from others for too long. If we are to become safe havens for others in our lives, we must be willing to humble ourselves in the presence of God and ask those closest to us to seek the face of God for us.

That’s what Jesus did. I’m so thankful for his example in the garden of Gethsemane. He prayed to the Father because he knew his suffering wasn’t meaningless. He wanted his friends, the disciples, to fight alongside him in prayer. He didn’t deny the agony of his suffering. He was brutally honest in his cries to God and begged God to take the cup of suffering from him. But because of his deep love for us, he said, “Yet not as I will, but as you will.”

That’s exactly what we must do. We must plead with others to pray for us and with us. We pray on our own for those we love and who love us. We cry out for wisdom, knowing God will respond.

Our suffering and our lives are never wasted when they are surrendered to God, because he gives us pieces of gold along the way that we can share with others. But the process of getting to the other side—to wisdom’s gold—takes both our own prayers and the prayers of others.

*How do you respond to pain?

Scripture: Romans 8:35-39

“Our Stories”

Authors Nicholas D. Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn are the creators of the brilliant book Half the Sky: Turning Oppression into Opportunity for Women Worldwide. Focusing on the three particular abuses for the world’s women—sex trafficking, gender-based violence, and maternal mortality—they offered solutions, such as girls’ education and microfinance, for these tragedies. They have seen how outsiders can truly make a significant difference in the lives of women suffering these injustices. Their book gives example after example of women who have turned despair into hope. We as Christian women need to do the same by talking about how God has turned our own despair into hope.

Your women need us to connect their suffering with our own pain and faith stories. We need to tell them our own stories of infertility, abuse, rape, bankruptcy, job loss, unfaithful spouses, pornography addictions, drug addictions, poverty, gambling, eating disorders, poor body image, abortion, widowhood, grief, accidents, and disease. This gives us a chance to tell what God did for us and in us during our times of suffering; those listening will hear about Christian hope. This is how we model a biblical view of suffering.

When people hear despairing stories that are turned into hope, it encourages them to sink into the sovereignty of God. They can hear the wisdom others gleaned from a horrible time. All of us are bombarded with news of mass shootings, genocides, school bombings, female mutilation, and sex slavery. Such atrocities may have existed before, but now we know about them sooner and with more detail. The women behind us don’t have the wisdom or experience we have gained from walking with God for more years. That is why it is so important that we share our stories.

*How can you better share your stories of suffering and hard times? How can you begin to regularly articulate what Christ has done in your everyday life?

Scriptures: Hosea 2:14-15, Matthew 5:4

“Healing Comfort”

Jesus said, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”

We must live out the pattern of comfort for the younger women in our lives, no matter the cause of their pain or discomfort. Jesus didn’t classify the mourners who we should comfort. It doesn’t matter who is at fault for the pain. We can comfort younger women even when they are acting in ways we don’t approve of or understand.

In Scripture, the Greek word for “comfort” is parakaleo, meaning “to the side of,” with kaleo meaning “to call.” The word’s intent is to help, comfort, encourage—it’s a kind of call with a particular effect. When a young woman tells you what her pain is, comfort her. It’s what she needs and nothing more.

If we are going to build trust with the next generation, then our approach to offering healing comfort must follow the pattern of God’s own heart toward his people. He didn’t desert them when they were in need of comfort; his desire to give to them was stronger than the reasons why they got to such a bad place.

Hosea 2:14-15 describes how God restored Israel when she was furthest from him. Although Israel turned her back on the One who loved her most, worshiped other gods, and suffered all alone in her captivity, God pursued her and cared about how she was feeling. He saw how troubled she was because of her deep wound, and he desired to do good to her.

“Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back, her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.”

When God offers healing comfort, he touches the soul with all of its messiness and hardness and confusion. Love comforts, which is why the psalmist cried in Psalm 119:76, “May your unfailing love be my comfort.”

*Are you tempted to withhold love or comfort depending on the circumstance that caused the pain? Why is that a poor practice?

Scriptures: Luke 6:37, John 20:23, Matthew 6:14

“Forgiveness and the Bigger Picture”

As we begin to understand forgiveness, we see that it cleans our hearts, is a choice, is ongoing, and doesn’t always change the situation. God always sees the bigger picture and commands us to forgive for reasons we may never know. Obeying him in this area deeply affects our ministries, work, and family lives. This is true whether we are forgiving others or ourselves.

Scripture tells us:
“Forgive, and you will be forgiven” (Luke 6:37)
“If you forgive anyone’s sins, their sins are forgiven; if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven” (John 20:23)
“For if you forgive others people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you” (Matthew 6:14)

When we forgive or are forgiven, our hearts become blameless and happy. God knew we might need to forgive more than seventy-seven times and be forgiven just as much (Matt. 18:22). In fact, when telling the parable of the unmerciful servant who was tortured for not forgiving a fellow servant, Jesus boldly said, “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart” (v. 35).

God sent Jesus to help us navigate relationships with others and our own selves. We are to: forgive and be forgiven, forgive and be happy, and forgive and be blameless. Happiness is a by-product of forgiveness, because joy runs free in a pure, blameless heart (Ps. 119:1).

Just as Christ saw his persecutors’ hearts when he was on the cross and forgave them, saying, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34), when we forgive, it changes our hearts so that we can see the other person’s humanity. My heart was changed when my mom told me more about her life and what it was like for her not to have a loving mother of her own. Through conversations like that, she would tell me how sorry she was for breaking up the family and leaving us. She was truly broken by her choices. I saw it in her tears; I heard it in her voice crumbling. Perhaps we are closest to Jesus when we choose to forgive.

*Is unforgiveness hindering you in your relationships? Is it a scar from previously in life? Is it a current relationship you’re harming through unforgiveness?