From the moment a child enters our life, parenting is a tough job. It’s even harder when a child is struggling with difficult behaviors. Parenting a child in crisis leaves parents worn out from exhaustion, frustration, and fear. God doesn’t leave us, even in the midst of our fears, failures, and fatigue. For foster and adoptive parents, or any battle-weary parent in warfare for their child.
Connections Homes
Day 1
Scriptures: Jeremiah 29:11, Psalms 73:26
Day One: Introduction
A soldier is never ready for war. They’re simply faithful to the call to defend their country. Despite their fears, despite the comfort of home, despite their preference—they go. When you enlisted as a foster/adoptive parent, you also signed up for a war: a very real, gritty, long, and sometimes exhausting battle for the heart, mind, and healing of your child.
Ready or not…
The term battle weary is often used to describe a type of fatigue felt by soldiers when they get tired of fighting in a war. This type of fatigue leads to depression, anxiety, exhaustion, and other forms of mental anguish. It’s an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness that the battle is never going to end, and you simply don’t feel like fighting another day. As a parent of children from hard places, I have often found myself there. Weary, worn-out, and desperate for a break or breakthrough in the war for my children’s lives.
My first experience with battle weariness as a parent started one fall afternoon when our sixteen-year-old daughter didn’t come home from school. This particular daughter was sweet, loving, kind, and gentle. She was also secretive, deceptive, and sneaky. We used everything from keystroke recorders to phone parental controls to try and keep her safe and guide her. None of it mattered. Her desire to control her own life was more powerful than anything we could muster up in our parenting toolbox.
After a couple of hours of trying to locate her through friends, we made the dreaded phone call to police to report our daughter missing—a runaway. Little did I know that this day would set into motion a course of events that would result in her being found, running away again, being placed in a residential treatment facility for troubled teenagers, and eventually returning to live with her biological family. Talk about feeling like a failure. It was a season of time marked with miles and miles of prayers and tears during long road trips to visit her. Time and time again, I questioned myself, our decision to adopt, our abilities as parents, and God. How could it really be this bad? I know God spoke to us about this child.
In the years since I’ve found myself at this place on many occasions for different reasons and different children. I’ve also heard the feeling repeated by parent after parent, as the struggle to keep their head above water in parenting children with such deep emotional scars and behavioral patterns continue. Every day is a battle, and it seems like they will never again experience life with happiness. “But I have faith!” “But God told me to do this.” “But, I cover them in prayer every day.”
I understand. Those are all the same things I said to myself and screamed at God when I was overwhelmed and distraught in the midst of the battle. On those long days and dark nights when it seemed all hope was lost, no one understood, and I was all alone in this fight, I did the only thing that I knew to do. I reached with all my might for the last thread of faith that I could muster and cried out to God to help me make it. And He did.
There is no darker place than the depths of a broken heart full of fear, regret, doubt, and failure. Yet, it’s in that very dark place that God meets us and shines His light brightly. It doesn’t matter the size of the room or the depth of the darkness—a single match can bring light. Sometimes, in our journey as parents of children from hard places, all we need is a single spark of hope to help us keep going.
In the next 7 days, my prayer is that you find your spark of hope.
The truth of our journey with Christ is that even in the very center of God’s will for our lives, we can face our toughest battles. That child we prayed for or are helping out of a bad situation, the one we dreamed about and were promised—yes, that very child will create scars on our knees from hours spent in prayer.
In the midst of the storm, it rarely sprinkles; most often, it pours. Sometimes the only way to survive is to drop your umbrella and dance in the rain. In the middle of my storms, I’ve discovered that the things God promises us are the very things the enemy tries to steal with every weapon from hell. This, friends—is war.
Ready or not…
~Pam Parish~
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I encourage you to spend time with your spouse (or a trusted friend if you’re single) to answer the following questions.
Discussion Questions – Day 1 Introduction
1. Have you ever considered the healing of your child’s heart and mind to be a spiritual war? Does this understanding change anything for you? If so, what?
2. As this study begins, Pam encourages you that the darkest places in life are where the light shines the brightest. Why do you think she says this? What do you hope to discover over the next 7-days?
3. Read Psalm 73:26. What does it mean for your flesh and heart to fail? How does it make you feel to think of God as “the strength of your heart and portion forever?”
4. What are you specifically asking God to do in your heart and family? How can this group pray for you?
Day 2
Scriptures: Psalms 40:1-3, Matthew 5:1-4, Psalms 31:9-10, John 14:27, Matthew 11:28-30
DAY TWO: Your Help Comes From the Lord
Coming down from the initial placement high can feel like you’ve fallen off a cliff or have been hit by a fast-moving train. It happens in an instant, one day you’re sailing along thinking, “They were all wrong this foster/adoption thing is awesome!” Then BAM! You wonder if someone snuck in and switched your kid with a look-alike from another planet. Or, you wonder if everyone lied about the honeymoon. What honeymoon? This kid declared war the moment he moved into his new bedroom! Either way, we all arrive at this place in our journey wondering why we signed up for this, how we’re going to make it through it, and how long it’s going to last. No, really, how long is this going to last?
Recently I read a quote from a mom in one of the Facebook groups that I participate in, “I remember one day after a foster son’s placement. He had been clingy, demanding, pushing me away, and starting fights. I opened the window and saw 3-inches of snow, and I realized school would be canceled. I promptly crawled back into bed and burst into tears.” When I read her words, my heart resonated deeply with her sense of weariness and defeat. I have often felt like going back to bed, crawling deeply beneath my covers and staying there for days on end. It’s not because I didn’t care; I just didn’t feel equipped to face the inevitable challenges, behaviors, and needs of the day. If you’re reading this, chances are that’s exactly what you’re feeling right now.
You’ve put your heart and soul into classes, training, praying, and waiting for this child and the opportunity to help one who has been continually hurt and rejected. Yet here you are feeling hurt, rejected, and worn-out. Don’t worry, you’re not alone. I know it probably doesn’t help to hear that this is normal. But it is normal, and it will pass. You can do this. You serve the same God that I do, and He is faithful to give you what you need to complete this mission and make a difference in the life of one of his most precious children.
As we continue together over the next 29 days, we are going to journey through the very real emotions, questions, and pain of being a battle-weary parent. The struggle is very real, but we have a very real God who cares about you and will give you the wisdom, comfort, and understanding that you need to keep going. Be encouraged! You’re not alone, you’re not crazy, and you’re not a failure. He will not let you stumble.
The only reasonable way to end this first day is to remind you that even King David, God’s chosen one, found himself in the pits of despair needing the comfort of His God to help him make it through. I love his words in Psalm 121, “I lift my eyes to the mountains – where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip – he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord watches over you – the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all harm – he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.”
Look up—your help comes from the Lord.
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I encourage you to spend time with your spouse (or a trusted friend if you’re single) to answer the following questions.
Discussion Questions – Day TWO: Your Help Comes From The Lord
1. What motivated you to get involved in foster care/adoption? As you reflect on your initial motivations, how do you feel about your current struggle?
2. Today’s devotion says, “The struggle is very real, and we have a very real God who cares about you and will give you the wisdom, comfort, and understanding that you need to keep going.” Talk about what this means for you and your family. What is it that you feel like you need to keep going?
3. Read Matthew 5:1-4. What do you think it means for you to mourn? How can this group help comfort you?
4. What are your biggest fears in this situation? Take time to put words to them—in writing, in conversation, or in prayer—so that they are exposed to the light and not hidden in darkness.
Day 3
Scriptures: Psalms 119:49, Proverbs 19:20-21, James 5:16, Romans 8:26-27, Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
DAY THREE: You Can’t Do It Alone
It was Thanksgiving Day, but truthfully, there was little that I felt thankful for. Instead of enjoying a delicious meal with my family, I was driving alone on the interstate, angry at God, exhausted, and lacking what I thought was a proper heart-position to pray. In that moment, instead of my normal word-based and faith-filled prayers, I just spoke honestly with God. “I can’t do this. You can’t ask any more of me. I’m done.” Then I cried. And then I cried a little more. In the deepest part of my soul, I felt broken, and I had absolutely nothing left. It was one of my most heartbreaking moments as a parent. A child that I so desperately loved was deeply lost in rebellion, bitterness, and anger; her behaviors were scary and completely out of my control. I felt alone, abandoned by God, and insecure in my own ability to handle the situation.
That day I learned that there are dark moments of the soul where the strength to put on a good face fades away, and all you’re left with is raw, brutal emotion. It’s in that moment, when the bottom completely falls out, that every prayer, every ounce of faith, and every quiet moment in scripture that I’d sown over time became a life raft that held me afloat. I had nothing new to give, nothing new to pray, and not a single scripture to hold onto. The only thing real to me was hurt, anger, worry, and failure.
I drove home numb. I crawled into my bed and called three specific friends and told each of them the whole truth about what was going on and asked them to pray on my behalf. In complete honesty, I said, “I don’t have any prayers left. I have no words. All of the strength I have left in me is needed just to deal with tomorrow.” Each of them said the same thing, “Go to bed. Rest. As a mom, pay attention to what only you as a mom can. I will cover you in prayer.” As the days and weeks passed, these three precious friends covered our family in prayer. They shared scripture and promises with me daily which gave me hope and encouragement. God truly used them to provide our family with comfort in affliction, and on His word, we were able to hope.
As my strength returned, I was able to see God’s mercy and care for me in the precious loyalty of my friends. This experience was a vivid reminder to me that we aren’t called into this journey alone. If we allow ourselves to be vulnerable with trusted companions around us, God can use them to bring us strength and comfort in the midst of our sorrow. Going through crisis alone is a recipe for disaster, both for you and for your children.
When we’re in crisis, we’re vulnerable and weak. In those moments, it’s easy to lose hope and feel like God has abandoned us. These moments require someone who can come alongside you to remind you of God’s promises, His Word, and the hope that you have in Him. Don’t ever go through crisis alone. It will wreck you and take you out. Call trusted friends, and as my friend, Chrissy says, “Tell them the truth. The good, the bad, and the disgustingly ugly truth.” Give them the opportunity to encourage you, cover you, and help. God’s word through caring friends will be your greatest comfort in affliction. You can’t do it alone.
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I encourage you to spend time with your spouse (or a trusted friend if you’re single) to answer the following questions.
Discussion Questions – DAY THREE: You Can’t Do It Alone
1. Have you ever reached a place where, as Pam describes, you have no prayers or words left? How did you get through it? How did it change your relationship with God?
2. Read Romans 8:26-27. The Holy Spirit clearly makes allowance for us in times when we’re too weak to even know how to ask God for what we need. Why is it a challenge to trust His presence in these moments?
3. How does the idea that He is present with you and understands your weariness change the way you view God’s provision in your struggle?
4. What is one thing you can do this week to invite someone else to join you in prayer and support? Write down three specific people that you want to trust with the truth—the good, the bad, and the disgustingly ugly truth.
Day 4
Scriptures: Psalms 3:1-6, Zephaniah 3:17, 2 Corinthians 1:3-7, Isaiah 43:2, Psalms 34:19
DAY FOUR: He is Sustaining You
There have been so many times that I’ve been right there with David in this passage of scripture. Facing so many trials at once and having no one around who truly understood the depths of my despair or the fierceness of my hope that we would ultimately prevail. In this place when I felt so alone, I turned to the Lord, knowing that even in this, He was present, protecting, and providing. In great tears and choking agony, I cried out to Him and laid it all at His feet. I slept and awoke the next morning with a new strength to face the situation again for another day. Sometimes the situation had changed, but most of the time it hadn’t. Nothing was different in the natural, what was different was inside me in the spiritual. I deeply trust God and His word—deeply. It was the only thing that could sustain me. period.
When you are in the midst of a conflict with your child. Or as we’ve been, in a crushing and tiring season of rebellion, rejection, and angst, the only hope you have to survive is your ability to see the Lord in the midst of the battle. In this passage of scripture, David clearly captures. three critical components to surviving these tumultuous seasons.
First, you have to be honest about what’s happening. David didn’t start this prayer with, “Thank you, Lord, for another day. Although things look bad right now, I trust you.” No. He started with, “This SUCKS! Everything around me is going wrong and everyone around me is clueless how to help and think I’ve completely lost my mind….and my salvation!” We have a tendency to sugar coat bad stuff because we feel like it lessens our witness. Simply put, that’s a lie. God needs us to be real and raw with Him. And others need to see us turn to God and trust Him, even when it’s bad, really bad. That’s the only way they’re going to know to turn to Him when their stuff is bad, too. It heightens our witness!
Second, you have to recognize that God alone is more than enough. Period. Although you’re feeling overwhelmed and pressured, He is still your shield, and you have absolutely no idea how many other fiery darts of the enemy He is protecting you from at that very moment. No matter how bad things get, they could always be worse. I love the image that David paints here of the Lord being the lifter of our head. It brings to mind the image of a parent gently tilting a crying child’s chin so that the child’s eyes can meet theirs, and they can say, “It’s all okay, honey.” In the midst of our agony, He gently coaxes us to lift our tear-filled faces toward His, and hear His voice, “It’s all going to be okay, honey.” He alone is more than enough.
Lastly, you have to allow yourself to rest. Your body, mind, and spirit all need the quiet of rest. Sleep is one of our body’s most healing functions. Our minds sort out the issues from the day, making sense of sorrow and loss. Without sleep, we can’t properly process thoughts and understanding. Have you ever gone to sleep thinking about a problem only to wake up the next morning and suddenly think of a solution? That isn’t an accident. That’s how He designed us. We need daily rest. In crisis, we need more rest. Don’t allow the enemy to tell you it’s selfish to nap and sleep. It’s not, it’s the best thing you can do to help solve the issue and gain the personal strength to keep going.
Like, David, we will find ourselves in moments where it feels like everything is falling apart and no one understands. But you are not alone. Don’t fear the trial that sits before you. Trust in the God who knows all things, created all things, and promises that all things will work together for your good. He is sustaining you.
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I encourage you to spend time with your spouse (or a trusted friend if you’re single) to answer the following questions.
Discussion Questions – DAY FOUR: He Is Sustaining You
1. Have you ever been truly honest in prayer and told God how you really feel about life? Why do you think it’s so difficult to be brutally honest with God, even though we know he already knows?
2. Today’s devotion says, “You have to recognize that God alone is more than enough.” Is it easy for you to accept that all you need is God? Why do you think this recognition is important for you during this struggle?
3. Read Psalm 34:19. Why do you think the scripture isolates a “righteous person” when it talks about going through many trials?
4. How well are you currently resting? What is one thing you can do to make sure that you’re getting the rest that you need to recover and build your strength?
Day 5
Scriptures: Matthew 12:13-14, Psalms 30:2-3, Psalms 118:16-17, Isaiah 58:7-9, James 5:10-11
DAY FIVE: Stretch Out Your Hand
The most difficult place to be as a parent is in a position of opposition with a child that you deeply love. There’s no end to the internal questioning, regret, and worry. What if I had done this? If only I had done that… it can seem unending. What’s even worse is when others around you, and even your child, join in the battle of condemnation and accusation. Everyone has an opinion about why the current situation exists, what can be done to fix it, and where the fault lies. Instead of being in a position of strength to help our child, we find ourselves protecting and defending ourselves as parents.
For most parents, we’ve done the absolute best we could every step of the way and are the first ones to recognize when and where we could have done a better job. In order to help ourselves and our child, the first thing we have to do is recognize the battle is not ours; it’s the Lord’s. We must rely on His strength and walk in His peace in the midst of the storm. Even Jesus, perfect and in the act of bringing physical healing to broken bodies, was not spared accusation and condemnation! In the midst of doing the perfect work of healing, the Pharisees called a meeting and plotted to kill Him.
The context of this scripture is that Jesus was healing on the Sabbath, which was forbidden in the Pharisaical interpretation of God’s law regarding keeping the Sabbath Day holy. The problem is that rather than the freedom and rest intended by God in this law, the Pharisees had corrupted the day into a one of self-denial and restriction. They were so caught up in their own enforced bondage that they failed to recognize the Healer of their mind, bodies, and souls was in their midst. Rather than accept freedom, hope, and healing, they lashed out in accusation, offense, and malice. He had broken their law, upset their apple cart, and he had to pay.
In the same way, we must recognize the Healer in our midst. He will restore your mind, body and soul and that of your child. However, we live in a world that must always find someone to blame. We blame ourselves, we accuse one another, we excuse our own behaviors because of what someone else has done, and the list goes on and on. Never forget that the kingdom of this world is not the Kingdom of our God & King, and the enemy who has been given temporary dominion is a deceiver and the accuser of the brethren. Anytime you are struggling with accusations being thrown at you or find yourself throwing them at others, you are functioning outside of partnership with God and aligning yourself with forces of darkness. Your job, in this process of restoration, is to free yourself from condemnation, from both yourself and others. And if you’re struggling with accusation, offense, and malice toward your child, you must also let that go. A heart positioned for healing is a heart open and free from bitterness, offense, and judgment.
Doing our best, even when doing it in the name of Jesus, doesn’t absolve us from the attacks of the enemy. It didn’t for Jesus, so why should we assume we’re any different? There’s no question that parenting is good work. God has entrusted us to steward and care for His most prized possessions, and we take our role seriously. This makes crisis and trial especially hard because you want to scream, “But I’m just trying to do a good thing!!!!!!” In reality, though, we’re just the steward of their lives, we are not the author or creator of them. God loves them with an everlasting love; they are His creation, made in His image and according to His good purposes. Our role is to steward our children’s hearts in partnership with Him, apart from our own opinions or those of others.
Oh, dear parent, don’t withhold healing love, mercy, and kindness from yourself or your child. In the midst of trial, stretch out your hand to receive the healing mercy of God for your weary and worn soul. Then, you will be prepared to stretch out your hand to your child and offer restoration with a heart positioned in partnership with Jesus.
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I encourage you to spend time with your spouse (or a trusted friend if you’re single) to answer the following questions.
Discussion Questions – DAY FIVE: Stretch Out Your Hand
1. Today’s devotion challenges us to stop the blame game—against us and against others. How much blame is going around in your current situation? What does it mean that the enemy is the accuser of the brethren? What steps can you take to shut down the voice of accusation in your home and heart?
2. Read Isaiah 58:7-9. Discuss how doing good for others leads to our own healing. Have you ever considered that part of your healing is a revealing of the ability of our own heart for sin (bitterness, anger, resentment, etc..)?
3. Talk about the relationship between “doing a good thing” as a parent and the challenges of dealing with difficult behaviors, rejection, defiance, and rebellion. How does the contradiction of those things contribute to your current struggle? Can you find a way to reconcile them in God’s Word?
4. What areas of your own heart do you need to work on and ask God to heal? How will your ability to overcome those help you in your current situation with your child?
Day 6
Scriptures: Matthew 12:43-45, Proverbs 15:1-4, Luke 6:27-31, Ephesians 4:26-27, Ephesians 4:29, Ephesians 4:31-32, James 1:19-20
DAY SIX: Out of Bondage
My friend Lesli and I often talk about the psychological profile of a foster or adoptive parent. They’re strong, independent, self-sufficient, and proactive, traits that are certainly beneficial to them as they take on the role of parenting children from hard places. However, this make up of their strengths is also their greatest weakness. I should know…it’s mine. The very parts of my personality that give me the grit to get into the messy places with my children are the very parts of my personality that set me up for major failure, isolation, and fatigue.
In this portion of scripture, Jesus is warning us about the bondage of thinking we’re free from something in our life only to have it come back on us, only much worse, when our guard is down. Honestly, I see this happen a lot with battle-weary parents who are fighting for their children. They fight so long and so hard for and with their children that they totally lose sight of themselves and their own trauma, triggers, and tiredness. This is exactly the moment that the enemy returns and fills us with rage, disappointment, exhaustion, fear, worry, frustration, and resentment—seven wicked struggles that leave us in a terrible condition. It’s a subtle process that totally takes us out of the game, if we let it.
Rejection, rebellion, and extreme behaviors hurt. It doesn’t matter how ready you are to handle it. When it comes into your life and you find yourself in a position of crisis with your child, it hurts. Period. After you’ve given it your best and nothing seems to be working, you can find yourself withdrawing and becoming emotionally detached. Parenting children from hard places or crisis is a marathon, not a sprint. It’s going to take a long time to cross the finish line and there will be many points along the way that your mental struggle will take you out long before physical ability does. In moments of exhaustion, it’s tempting to give up and become apathetic and hopeless.
The only way to prevent this burnout and boomerang attack in your own life is to truly take care of yourself, body, mind, and spirit. Apathy is our enemy. We can never stop caring for others or for ourselves. In caring for ourselves we should understand our own triggers and become aware of our negative reactions to specific events in our family. Does a child’s tone of voice cause you to shut down and withdraw or go on the offense and raise your voice? Can a particular look cause you to become irrationally angry because it reminds you of how someone else in your life treated you? Did you grow up as a child of parents who were abusive, absent, or ill-prepared for parenting? If so, when you’re doing your best to not be like your parents, does it deeply hurt you when your child says they wish they had different parents or that they think you don’t care? Dealing with the residual pain of our own loss, grief, and fear is critical to parenting in crisis. Take care of yourself and seek out safe places that you can unload your burden and sadness. It’s only through your own vulnerability you can be fully available to help your child heal through their crisis.
We must stay alert to the open doors in our lives that sidetrack us on the road to healing both for our children and ourselves. Keeping ourselves healthy along the way is the best way to keep those doors into our lives closed and remain on alert for the tactics and schemes of the enemy. Be realistic with yourself. It’s okay to grieve. It’s okay to experience anger. It’s okay to be hurt. You aren’t super human, and no one expects you to be. Take time to refill your own tank. Do something today that you enjoy—read a book, pray, go on a walk, talk with a close friend, or simply lie in bed and watch your favorite show. Freedom is the way out of bondage. Give yourself the freedom to care for you. Your child needs it.
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I encourage you to spend time with your spouse (or a trusted friend if you’re single) to answer the following questions.
Discussion Questions – DAY SIX: Out of Bondage
1. What negative emotions are you struggling within this situation? Are you having difficulty letting them go?
2. Take time to evaluate the triggers and trauma in your own life. It’s possible that you have buttons you’re not aware of that are being pushed. Have you considered professional or spiritual counseling for your own past hurts?
3. Proverbs 15:1 talks about a soft answer turning away wrath. What are the ways that your own battle-weariness has caused you to be harsh? Have you provoked anger in your child unintentionally through your own responses?
4. If everything we say should be good and helpful in order to be an encouragement to those who hear them, what’s one way you can change how you speak to your child—especially in the midst of conflict? What effect do you think it could have on the outcome of your conflicts and arguments?
Day 7
Scriptures: 2 Corinthians 1:3-7, 2 Corinthians 12:8-10, Psalms 69:13-14, 2 Corinthians 4:7-10
DAY SEVEN: It IS About You
I woke up this morning still in the midst of tribulation with one of our daughters. The struggles she’s facing are so real, scary and heartbreaking that it feels nearly impossible to overcome them. I sat at my desk with my Bible open, looking. I was looking to build up my own faith, looking for answers for her, and desperately looking for something from God to take away the feelings of fear and uncertainty both of us are experiencing. First, I focused on building up my understanding of love. Then, I moved on to scriptures on innate worth. Finally, I tried to study trial and tribulation. As I dug through the Word for answers, lots of things were comforting, but nothing was the “it” that I felt like I should find. After a while, honestly, I was frustrated.
Finally, I stopped looking, closed my eyes and envisioned myself walking with Jesus and telling Him that I’m frustrated with the situation and anxious because I can’t seem to find the answers. In that quiet moment with my eyes closed, I had a conversation with Him—not about what’s written in the Bible but about what was hurting in my heart. Jesus softly and gently moved me from a focus on finding the answer to a place of being open and vulnerable about my feelings. My feelings. You see, I’m not a feeling girl. I’m a facts and faith girl. I have feelings but I don’t like feelings, and I certainly don’t often talk about them to other people. It’s both a great strength and a crippling weakness for me. For Jesus to ask me to talk honestly about my feelings felt like an ultimate weakness to me. What good are feelings? It’s faith that’s going to move this mountain. Let’s focus on the one that needs help—my daughter—not me. So, I opened my eyes and picked up a different Bible and decided to keep looking for the answer. The problem all morning has obviously been that I’m reading the wrong version. After flipping through a few Psalms, I closed the Bible in frustration. Finally, I decided to quit running. Sometimes I’m just a little stubborn.
As I pulled out my notebook and picked up a pen I was certain this was a total waste of time. Okay, Jesus. You want to talk about my feelings? Fine. Here’s what I wrote,
“I’m scared that the worst will happen. I’m unsure that things are going to get better and the uncertainty is causing me to feel anxious and worried. I don’t like those feelings. I feel alone, like I don’t really have anyone to talk to who can understand. I’m overwhelmed because it feels like more than I can bear. Honestly, I’m angry. This isn’t fair for all of us. It’s not fair that she’s suffering and in pain. Focusing on how I feel is making me feel selfish because this isn’t about me and focusing on me feels like a waste of time. That’s frustrating to me. I am really hopeful because I do believe that God’s word is true, but I’m discouraged because nothing seems to be working or helping. I’m fearful that I’m going to say or do the wrong thing and cause more hurt and pain.”
I put down the pen and paper and stared at the words on the page. God spoke softly to my heart and said, “There’s a big difference between how you feel and what you know. By ignoring your feelings and focusing only on the facts/faith you are short-circuiting the healing that I need to do in your heart as you go through this trial.” Ok, I get it. Now that we’ve gone through this little exercise, can we go back to some answers?
You’re probably much smarter than I and have already figured out that Jesus wasn’t done. The next thing He prompted me to do was to text my daughter and vulnerably tell her that I’m struggling too. WHAT?!?!?! She is going through enough on her own without me adding in my feelings too! I’m her MOTHER. I’m supposed to be the strong one who builds up her faith and speaks life into the situation. I can’t crumble now. I just can’t. I blankly stared at my phone for a long time. A very long time.
Finally, I typed out everything that I had written on paper into a text and told her that I needed to be vulnerable with her. She responded almost immediately and her response brought me to my knees in a puddle of tears—the ugly cry kind. Here are a few snippets of her message to me, “Your honesty and vulnerability… it’s an honor to hear you say those things. I want us to grow closer during this time, even though it’s messy. Don’t feel alone, don’t feel discouraged, don’t get frustrated. Trust Jesus and know that you and dad are going above and beyond, even though it may not feel like it. We WILL come out of this triumphant and victorious because He loves us. Because He died for this, for us. He’s for us, not against us. And when He’s for us, no attack of the enemy can succeed.” I’d searched all morning for a scripture to calm my fears, but no greater comfort could be found than to lay my heart open before both my Jesus and my hurting daughter and have her return to me with the Word of God and her own confession of faith.
To say this is a breakthrough for me is an understatement. You see, I didn’t feel like I was the one that needed healing. I have been asking for healing for my daughter, for all of my daughters, on a daily basis. I’m fine. I’ve got this. But truly, I don’t and, to be totally honest, my pretending that I do is doing more harm than good for my entire family and me. I confessed and repented because I had it totally wrong. This life of Christ, this life of parenting, this thing we call family—it IS about me. It’s about me allowing those I love to comfort me. It’s about me getting in the mess and sharing in the sufferings—not solving them, feeling them. Weeping. Fearing. Feeling. If I’m truly following Christ’s example and the example of Paul in today’s scripture, I’m in the mess and am therefore also messy— unashamedly and without having any answer aside from Jesus.
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I encourage you to spend time with your spouse (or a trusted friend if you’re single) to answer the following questions.
Discussion Questions – DAY SEVEN: It IS About You
1. What does vulnerability mean to you? Do you find it easy or difficult to admit your weaknesses and fears?
2. Read 2 Corinthians 4:7-10. Talk about why your weakness allows God’s glorious power to shine? What does it mean for you to “get knocked down, but get up again and keep going?”
3. Talk about Pam’s interaction with her daughter. How do you feel about her vulnerability? How do you feel about her daughter’s response?
4. Are there things that you can say to your child that might help them to gain a new perspective on family and relationships that also requires you to be vulnerable? Share your plan with the group and allow them to give you honest feedback on your motive and tone. Be careful to not be vengeful in a “see how you make me feel” way.
Day 8
Scriptures: Matthew 14:14, Mark 6:34, Romans 12:20, Colossians 3:12-13
DAY EIGHT: Moved With Compassion
I recently traveled back to my hometown in Kentucky to attend the funeral of my Uncle who had passed away suddenly. I spent the majority of my time with my Dad at the funeral home, visiting with friends and family whom I hadn’t seen in twenty-plus years. Most were curious to hear what I had done in life and were surprised to learn that I had seven daughters, six adopted. Responses to our family’s story ranged from, “Wow! You’re doing such an awesome thing!” to “There’s no way I could do that!” and the inevitable, “But don’t they have a lot of issues?” After telling and retelling our story over a two-day period, I developed a pretty good set of standard answers to questions which allowed me to dispel the curiosity, show off a few photos, and move on to another topic quickly. Then, one conversation changed it all.
Although I was hundreds of miles away from home, there were still some pretty significant things going on. Things were happening I didn’t understand, and honestly, I was grateful to be away for a few days, even if for a funeral. Talking about my family to others who were amazed and encouraging enabled me to focus my thoughts and words on the beauty of our story and forget the mess, if only for a moment. In a very human way, I was convincing myself that things were just as good in reality as my stories made them seem. In truth, things at home were messy and tiring. Five of our seven were back under our roof with 100% of them struggling through major life decisions, transition, and coping with issues of trauma resurfacing in the face of their own uncertainty. I found myself distancing myself from the issues because I didn’t have answers and was overwhelmed with my own stuff. I knew what I was doing and told myself that after all I’d been through, I deserved a little mental and emotional break. I’m sure I did, but Jesus was about to call me back out of my self-imposed break and remind me of the work He’s prepared me for all of my life.
After the funeral, the little Baptist church that I had grown up in catered a late lunch for our family and friends. It was surreal for me to be there again, with people that I’d known as a child, in a place that had been central to so much of my childhood. The church’s choir director from my childhood approached me and said, “Pam, I was lying in bed last night thinking about you and what you’ve done with your family. It’s incredible. Can I ask you a personal question?” I said, “Of course.” He asked, “Why do you do it? Adopt and care for these kids?” Well, that’s easy, I thought. I gave him my most amazing spiritual answer, “Because the Bible says to… in James 1:27 it says that pure religion is caring for widows and orphans….in Psalm 68:5 & 6 it says that God sets the lonely in family….how could I not answer the call of Jesus to care for the fatherless?” Boom! Nailed it, scripture and all. The look on his face and the shaking of his head to indicate “no” told me otherwise. He said, “Let me ask it a different way, do you think the way you grew up has anything to do with it?” In an instant the Holy Spirit used his simple question to totally shake me to the core. To be clear, I’m not oblivious to the fact that my childhood has had a huge bearing on why I do what I do in our family. I’ve shared that many times. But this was different. Other people that I share it with, they don’t know. This man, he knew. This statement from a man who had watched me grow up and has known me all of my life shook me.
Staring into his face, I saw the truth of what the Lord was using him to remind me of—my own brokenness. In this conversation, I couldn’t gloss over the truth of my childhood and the struggles of our family. The absolute miracle it is that I’m leading the life that I am, in spite of it all. He was staring into the face of a little girl who had all odds stacked against her, yet God had used it and redeemed it all. I couldn’t deny the brokenness that surrounded me as a child, and as I reflected on all that he must know and remember, I was moved by the look of compassion on his face. Standing there in that hallway, Jesus showed me, again, what it felt like to have someone see all of your stuff, all of your pain, all of your brokenness, and patiently understand. It was a healing moment for me as he quietly acknowledged, with one simple question, that my pain and struggle were real. God saw them and so did he. As we conversed about the ways in which my childhood shaped me into becoming the mom that I am today, I sensed Jesus calling me back to the work that He had uniquely molded me for all of my life—to be moved with compassion for my children’s brokenness and see their stuff, their pain, and their brokenness and patiently understand.
It’s incredibly easy on this journey to lose sight of compassion in the midst of the daily grind of family. Quickly we can become so focused on the frustrating issues of school, behavior, routines, and correction that we forget the pain and loss that brought our children into our lives. And it’s especially easy when you’re battle-weary and in the very midst of crisis. In our children’s most desperate and hurtful moments, we absolutely cannot afford to lose sight of the inner struggles and pain that they are battling. In nearly every instance that the Bible records Jesus as being “moved with compassion,” healing follows. For our family and our children to experience healing, we must allow our hearts to continually be moved with compassion toward them. Where compassion leads, healing follows.
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I encourage you to spend time with your spouse (or a trusted friend if you’re single) to answer the following questions.
Discussion Questions – DAY EIGHT: Moved With Compassion
1. Have you ever experienced someone showing you compassion and mercy, even when you didn’t deserve it? Explain how this made you feel.
2. Today’s devotion says, “In nearly every instance that the Bible records Jesus as being ‘moved with compassion,’ healing follows. For our family and our children to experience healing, we must allow our hearts to continually be moved with compassion toward them. Where compassion leads, healing follows.” In what ways does that challenge you? In what ways does it encourage you?
3. Talk about a time you were moved with compassion for your child. What happened?
4. What are some specific areas of healing that you’re praying for in your child? How can this group support you and pray with you?