Scriptures: Proverbs 3:5-6, Proverbs 3:7-8, Isaiah 1:18, Amos 3:3, Matthew 18:19-20

Infidelity! For some, just seeing the word is a trigger, let alone having to discuss it. This is probably one of the toughest and most rewarding challenges we have faced in our marriage. We didn’t have a framework or support system to access when major things happened in our marriage. We were barely saved and living a Christian lifestyle. But…we had to figure it out! Through the process, God has given us a system. A method of approach that has helped us stay together for 30 years. Usually, we would get you excited about what we will be teaching you, give it to you, and then sum it up in the end. If you are here and reading this…You are most likely not very happy! So, this is a different approach for a different situation.

Before we dive into what the Holy Spirit has given us for this devotional, hear me when I say that everything that we face in life is connected to our journey. It is not a destination that we eventually “arrive” at. For some of you, Infidelity has you at your breaking point, and it will break you if you let it. That is not God’s desire. It is our prayer and desire that because you are reading this devotional together, you have decided to fight.

Proverbs 3:5-8 is a great start to getting some movement. You both cannot rely on your own understanding. You have to do the uncomfortable work. If you can just get in agreement according to Matthew 18: 19-20, you can win…TOGETHER! Agreement is a major thing. Amos 3:3 asks the question that Jesus answers in Matthew chapter 18:19-20. It will take Isaiah 1:18, 1 Corinthians 13:4-9 and many others to right this ship! It’s important that you both lean into the Word like never before! We could not have made it without God, and neither will you.

The C.A.S.T. Method, our solution and approach to overcoming infidelity, is the beginning of this journey. Before healing takes place, you need a C.A.S.T. A cast is designed to stop further damage to something that has been severely injured, broken, or dislocated, like an ankle, knee, or shoulder. Our C.A.S.T. method does the same thing with Infidelity. The person who has committed the offense and the person who experienced it both have healing to do. This event is a catalyst for change. If you are the offender, God and your spouse are looking for repentance. Despite your decision, you had other choices. If you experienced the offense, you do have to FORGIVE if you desire your marriage to work. There’s a difference between forgiveness and healing. One God commands us to do so that He will forgive us. The other is healing, which is a process. No one gets to tell you how long it will take to heal. As you both prepare for tomorrow and we dive into this devotional, we recommend that you:

• Pray together First
• Show up transparently
• Be prepared to take a break if needed
• Discuss and set in motion what you will both do after each day (beginning with today) to create an environment for healing.

Remember, this is not possible if neither of you is committed to the process. Tomorrow, we begin our journey with the first letter in our recovery method: “C,” which stands for Cutting off Connections.

Scriptures: Genesis 2:23-24, Matthew 26:41

C-“Cut off” all connection to the extramarital party & related experiences.

In Genesis, we see Adam’s excitement when God, who had been searching for a helper for Adam, finally figured it out. Adam says this “woman” literally came from me, from my womb, and then in verse 24 of Genesis 2, we have a decree. “For this reason shall a man leave…” This is a spiritual principle. Although the verse indicates that becoming one flesh was intended for a husband and wife, the concept still applies when a man and a woman ‘cleave’ and become one, even if they are not married. So, there is a “spiritual tie” that exists between the “offender” and the extramarital party. Have you ever been just minding your business, and then suddenly, you think about a love or episode from the past? C’mon now, tell the truth! Well, if you are shaking your head up and down right now, or if this question triggered that experience, you understand what a spiritual tie is!

So, the “C” in the C.A.S.T. sets the foundation for the success of all of the method’s other steps.

Early on in our marriage, we experienced infidelity, and it had the potential to become evening news and destroy our marriage. Thank God it didn’t! After we worked through the tension and uncomfortable consequences (momentum) of the decision, Sh’nai and I could no longer operate in the same manner we had been up until that point. I had to make a complete 180-degree turn from my past actions. So what does it mean to “Cut off” all connection to the extramarital party and related experiences?

1. Remove all traces of the extramarital party:

This might sound very simple, and it is. It’s just not easy. There is a difference. You must cut off all communication, text, video, or phone. Erase all emails, notes (if they apply), and voicemails or photos. These all have a connection and are linked to related experiences pertaining to the infidelity. In Matthew 26:41, we see what we all deal with as believers, and it is important that as (the offender), you watch your actions and pray for God’s wisdom because your spirit may be willing…”but the flesh is weak.” In other words, this is easier said than done. More often than not, it’s the “related experiences” that have the greater potential to cause a relapse. There may be physical and emotional connections besides the Spiritual one I mentioned earlier. Be honest with yourself. The more connections, the more cutting (of your flesh) that is necessary!

2. Ask your spouse what they need you to cut off:

If you are the offender, it’s not enough to do what you believe is necessary. The one you are working to build trust and relationship with should also have a say in what you should cut off. It’s often the blind spots that exist that you do not see that presented the opening in the first place. Hear your spouse and then work to meet their request(s). This could mean changing jobs, changing communities that you live in, or even moving to another city, among other things. If you have experienced Infidelity, you may need more information to respond. Take this opportunity to get the information you need.

3. Once everything has been established, work together toward an acceptable solution.

Just because a request is made doesn’t always mean that it is realistic. This is typically a very emotional time in the process, and both parties have to give and take, depending on the size and scope of the request. Getting a new job is one thing. Doing something more drastic will take a deeper level of commitment, sometimes necessary. Be in agreement about whatever you decide.

Alright, so we’ve established our foundation, the “C” in our method. If you follow these instructions and have tough conversations about the connections that need to be cut off, you are ready for the next step in the method, the “A,” which is Accountability. Tomorrow, we will discuss the importance of accountability in recovering from infidelity.

Scriptures: Proverbs 27:17, Proverbs 3:5-7, 1 Corinthians 10:13, Hebrews 4:15, Romans 8:1-2

“A”-Accountability for current and future actions with partner and others.

Accountability. The “A” in the C.A.S.T. Method is where ego and pride are broken down. In other words, this is typically the most challenging part of the process and where the most growth occurs. When I look back to the circumstances leading up to our relationship’s infidelity, I am reminded of 1 Corinthians 10:13. There were other choices that I could have made. You had other choices as well. God always provides a way of escape.
This is where, as the person who committed the infidelity, ownership and honesty with oneself produce the greatest platform for repentance. This is where you truly understand the depth of what you’ve done and the impact it had. Once you have walked through this process, the next most important thing is to find accountability.

In most cases, when done effectively, more than one person is on your accountability team. In addition to your spouse, a friend, or brother in Christ, your Pastor, if you are a believer, a counselor, or a mentor, can assist you with staying the course when faced with challenges. Some may even have sound enough relationships with their parents. I’m not going to say that this is never a good idea. I will say that the word encourages us to “leave our mother and father” for a reason.

Finding accountability is typically difficult for men because we often struggle with dealing with our emotions. We may talk to someone on the surface and then never deal with the actual feelings. You have to press in and build your team if you are committed to healing your marriage!

If you experienced infidelity, you also need accountability. If you’ve decided to fight for your marriage, your accountability team can be a listening ear.
They can check if you are being unfair to your spouse and even challenge you to look at the situation differently. They can also hold you accountable for doing the work necessary for your mental health. Is this connected to something in your past? Is this a pattern of treatment that you’ve experienced? Were there other choices that I could have made?

Here are some tips to build a bridge back to your spouse’s trust and fortify their commitment to the marriage:

• Be Vulnerable and Transparent. The only way you will grow is by spilling everything. What circumstances led up to the decision? What was going on inside of you? What story were you telling yourself? Why did you make the decision you made?
  If you cannot be vulnerable and transparent with the people you’ve selected as your accountability team, get new people. They should be non-biased (that’s why parents are difficult) and able to speak into your life, including challenging you to think differently.
• Overcommunicate: This is specifically with your spouse. Tell them anything and everything concerning your movement, whereabouts, and thoughts. As important as it is to let your spouse know that you are making a run to the store (without them) or may need to make a call to a colleague of the opposite sex, or leaving on a business trip, what you are thinking is the most challenging and most beneficial conversation you can have. Being vulnerable and sharing your feelings about your decision(s) and how they’ve affected your spouse helps rebuild trust and connection. Communicating what you are doing to prevent a relapse is also a powerful statement to your spouse. Warning! Don’t do this from a place of condemnation. Feeling sorry for yourself is unscriptural and unattractive. Romans 8:1-2 helps us understand that although we sin, we are no longer sinners and should not hold ourselves captive if we’ve truly repented. Overcommunicate. Leave no space for the enemy to work. Today’s technology makes this a lot easier than it was when we dealt with this 25 years ago.
• Pray: The most important thing you can do in all this is talk with God! As Hebrew 4:15 tells us, God understands; he has been touched by the same temptations and experiences that we have. Trust God at His word. Let Him minister to you, help you navigate this season, and heal—both of you!

Join us for tomorrow’s devotional as we cover the “S” in the C.A.S.T. Method, Securing and Stabilizing the marital connection.

Scriptures: Song of Songs 1, Song of Songs 2, 1 Peter 3:7

“S”-Secure and stabilize the marital attachment.

Now, when you look at the phrase “marital attachment,” you may be thinking about the obvious—SEX! And yes, that is a huge part of it. It’s not the only thing that makes up the phrase, though. Let me give you some context.

After someone has been the victim of infidelity, Intimacy is often a challenge. Even after committing to work on the relationship, forgive, or go to counseling. The thought of betrayal, anger, and other emotions will often appear here. The attempt to be intimate will turn into a Q&A session or an outburst. This is expected from both the offender and the spouse who experienced it. Keep fighting! This is a journey, not a destination. You’ve both committed to working it out, and it will work out if you don’t give up.

I’ve had clients tell me that their intimacy, sexual and emotional, was better after the infidelity than it was before. I’m not surprised. When both husband and wife are reinvested in their relationship’s success, they no longer take things for granted and focus on each other like they did in the beginning.

If your marriage is going to not just survive but thrive, you must lock in. There is a reason why, in Genesis, we see that there is a spiritual dynamic that takes place with sexual intimacy. Two people becoming one. Here are some tips that will help you secure and stabilize your marriage:

• Date: This is one of the most important building blocks for a thriving and fulfilling marriage. Most issues begin with couples not prioritizing spending time together or with only one of them being locked in for various reasons. None are more important than your first ministry—each other. Plan and prioritize your time together. Make it sacred.
  There are tons of things that you can do to reconnect emotionally, which should lead to sexual intimacy. You can check out our free resource if you need ideas.
• Shift the Atmosphere: If you are the one who broke the trust by committing infidelity, it should be your mission to create an atmosphere that is built on thoughtfulness, imagination, and forward movement. Use your imagination and what you know about your spouse to help build the bridge to connection and positive experiences. 1 Peter 3:7-9 gives us great insight into what God says about this. If you are the one who experienced the infidelity, this still applies to you also. Be open. Song of Solomon 1 & 2 are great chapters to get an understanding of the power of our imagination.
• Shorten your memory of each other’s wrongs: This is so important and vital to the forward movement of your relationship. Don’t allow this one mistake to snowball and bring other past hurts and wrongs up. If you committed the act, when your spouse is reacting and showing unexpected emotions, maybe because they have been triggered by something you said or did, this is not the time to remind them of something they did to you. Sit in your mess and continue to clean it up with grace and longsuffering. If you experienced infidelity, this is not a license for you to return the favor or use the event to manipulate your spouse. You are one. The goal should be to agree. Don’t bring old baggage into your discussion.

These three tips are great ways to secure and stabilize your marriage by being intentional with them. If you have been executing the “C” and “A” of the method, you should be engaged in knowing yourself better and each other better. Now, you are working on building something great and new with the “S,” securing and stabilizing your marital attachment. Work on utilizing these tips with intentionality. For our last day of this devotional, tomorrow we focus on the last letter in the method, “T,” transform the truth. And by the way…Yes, Go have SEX!

Scripture: John 8:32

“T”-Transform the Truth

Now we understand what the word says about the truth in John 8:32. The truth “makes you free.” For the person who committed the infidelity, you are now free from the guilt of hiding what you have done for however long it was and having to keep up with the lies and the secret movements. Those things no longer have power over you, so that means that the enemy can no longer use those things to keep you in bondage. You do have to deal with the momentum of your decision, which means you have to be patient with your spouse. There is no expiration date on hurt from infidelity, so saddle up and go for the ride. It’s the one your decision created.

For the spouse who experienced the infidelity, you are also free now from that feeling on the inside of you that was telling you something was off. Ask yourself, “Am I crazy or just making things up in your mind?” even though your discernment has been speaking to you. This will be a process that takes time. Be patient with yourself. There’s a difference between forgiveness and healing. Forgive because God commands you to. We do this as believers because we want His forgiveness. So forgive. Then heal…at your pace.

You are both free to start from a clean slate. Or are you?

You both have to transform the truth, not in the sense that you will not make it the truth anymore, but in the sense that you now have new information and must decide what to do with it. This can either strengthen or destroy your marriage. What will you decide to do? Will you transform the truth into a weapon that you use against your spouse when you get triggered or want your way? Will you walk in condemnation and let the enemy beat you up because of the past mistake or run away from the momentum you’ve created? Will you both just pack it in and give up when things get difficult and say forget about it? It’s now up to you. Start by having a cleansing session. That is a meeting where both of you get out any and everything; I mean anything that you may not have been honest about from your past. No matter how bad or how long ago. If you do this…Now you have a clean slate! Where your marriage goes from here is up to you!

Here are some additional nuggets that the Holy Spirit has taught us over these past 30 years:

• Marriage is simple…Not easy. Translation…Marriage is for GROWN FOLKS!
• It’s your integrity in your adversity that determines the growth or stagnation of your relationship.
• Shorten your memory of each other’s wrongs.
• God can fix anything, even my broken marriage…If I let Him.
• We are dynamic Christian couples walking in the unfair advantage. Compared to the world, we can always activate the power of the Holy Spirit in our relationship when we get in agreement.

We believe this method gives you more than just a fighting chance to succeed in your marriage; it gives you a God chance, and anything is possible with God! Although we didn’t have this name for it back then, the CAST Method is what God used to help us get through those early years. Along with our training in the Word of God and Gottman, our experiences have helped us put a CAST on many marriages.

No ingredient outside of faith in God is more important than rebuilding trust. Download our Trust graphic to begin the journey here:

BUILD TRUST

Once the marriage is healed, you are now equipped to be salt and light on the earth for another couple. Now, they are not alone, just as you are not alone. Now go and be DYNAMIC!