Your desire is to have a strong and thriving marriage, but that desire gets choked out by the many struggles and challenges of life. God designed marriage to be a beautiful representation of His love for us and His church—and yours can be! Lauren Diggs encourages you to cultivate a marriage that honors God and your spouse with truths taken from God’s Word and her full devotional, Ground{ed} Wife.
she works HIS way
Day 1
Scripture: Matthew 13:1-9
You might have seen the Scripture reference for this devotional and wondered what the parable of the four soils has to do with being a wife. As you dig in (see what I did there?), I believe the Lord will reveal His truth in a way that only He can.
This is one of my favorite parables that Jesus tells. Probably because it shows us that as we work to scatter the seeds of His love and truth, He multiplies those results when the ground is fertile and ready.
“Other seeds fell on good soil and produced grain, some a hundredfold, some sixty, some thirty. He who has ears, let him hear.” Matthew 13:8-9
Let us hear this for what it simply is: we put forth the effort, but the results are His. We don’t carry the burden of making things happen for the Lord. We simply do the work He’s called us to do, becoming more and more like Him each day, and He will produce the fruit.
It’s the same for marriage.
Maybe you’re reading this and feel like there’s no hope. Or life happened–kids came on the scene, work is demanding, finances are a mess, laundry never ends–and now you’re not sure who that person on the other end of the couch is, or better yet, who you are anymore. It feels empty. You feel alone. You’re frustrated. And you’re not quite sure how you got here.
Even in all that, God meant for your marriage to be alive and producing good fruit. That doesn’t happen by allowing life to take over, neglecting the ground you’ve been planted in. Being the wife God designed you to be is a series of daily choices:
- to love unconditionally as you are loved
- to forgive as you are forgiven
- to raise hands in surrender because you are not in control; God is
Your marriage was planted in the ground on the day you said, “I do.” Where your husband is or isn’t spiritually is not our focus because this is about you and being the wife God has created you to be. God chose you and only you for the role of wife to your husband. There’s always work to be done in you, always ground to stir up in you, and always growth to take place in you. So, let’s dig in and cultivate that fertile ground Matthew 13:8 refers to.
Dear Heavenly Father, I love You so much. Thank You for my husband. It was a part of Your holy plan for me to be his wife and I want to honor You and him by being the wife You created me to be. But some days, I don’t know what that looks like, so please help me. As I dig deeper with You, I ask for a willing heart, a renewed mind, and Your power to be made perfect in my weakness. Forgive me for falling short and thank You for Your unending grace. Have Your way in my life and in my marriage. I love You, Lord. Amen.
Day 2
Scripture: Matthew 13:3-4
Jesus introduces us to the first type of soil, the footpath, in Matthew 13:4, “As he scattered them across his field, some seeds fell on a footpath, and the birds came and ate them.”
Let’s take a minute to think about a footpath. They are usually well worn, trampled upon by runners, hikers, kids, bikes, etc. There’s generally not much life growing within one because before anything has time to take root and grow, it’s eaten up by the wildlife or crushed by the everyday traffic. It’s hard for things to grow in this type of ground, much like it would be hard for our marriage to grow if this is the kind of ground we’re cultivating as a wife.
So what does the footpath look like in our marriage?
It’s our desire to control every aspect of our life, from our biggest worry to our smallest tasks. And seeing as how we have to be in control, we have zero interest in listening. We just want to prove our point and show we’re right. More times than not, it’s our way or no way when making decisions. We might say we want our husband’s input, but the second it doesn’t match our agenda, we bulldoze and manipulate to get our way. Even if good is being done or said, we will point out all the reasons why it still isn’t good enough. The bottom line is, the things we say and do are motivated by a desire to be in control.
From that place, our words and actions trample all over our spouse and anything that’s trying to grow. So even when good seeds are scattered, they’re being devoured by our demands and self-interest. Our disapproval and constant objections are crushing the life that has sprouted up. And the growth that has taken place is eaten up by our nagging and nit-picking.
Can I remind you of a truth that is on repeat over here? God is in control; you are not. And the more you try to control your life and the lives of those around you, the more messed up it gets. Surrender is the only option if you want to stop trampling on the ground around you.
So, it’s time to do a little digging. There is work to do, but you are not working alone. There are hard changes to be made but the hard is not done in your own strength. And it all begins with surrender because your surrender gives way to God’s sovereignty.
Dear Heavenly Father, thank You for Your Word that pierces the hardest of hearts and minds. Forgive me for all the times I try to control what only You are truly sovereign over. A lot of times it’s because I’m scared of what will or will not happen, but I surrender that fear to You instead of it becoming motivation to try and fill Your position. Decrease my desire to control and increase my desire to be a loving and gracious wife. Cause growth along the footpath of my marriage. I give You all glory and honor and praise. I love You, Lord. Amen.
Day 3
Scripture: Matthew 13:5-6
Back in 2017, Stephen was deployed to the Middle East for a year. I dreamed of growing closer, writing letters, and really, truly thriving during that time.
Well, fast forward to his return in 2018. Our marriage was certainly not thriving. In fact, we barely survived the deployment. It was much more challenging than we ever could’ve anticipated. But, the problem wasn’t the actual deployment. The problem was the shallow, rocky ground we found our marriage in before he even stepped foot on foreign soil.
You see, up to this point in our marriage, we’d overcome a lot, but we were walking through some past brokenness that seemed almost too much to bear. So, I did what any desperate wife trying to pick up the pieces would do. I got us into some counseling, and I dove into marriage books. I gathered as much knowledge on deployments while married as I could get my hands on. We went on dates, marriage retreats, we talked (and fought) a lot about what was going on, and did just about everything you’re supposed to do. I just knew all of those things combined were going to take us from shallow and rocky ground to a deeply rooted marriage.
We hear about this shallow, rocky ground in Matthew 13: 5-6, “Other seeds fell on shallow soil with underlying rock. The seeds sprouted quickly because the soil was shallow. But the plants soon wilted under the hot sun, and since they didn’t have deep roots, they died.”
Our marriage was on shallow, rocky ground because we were trying to grow it in our own strength and knowledge with all the books we could devour, date nights we could go on, and counseling sessions we could afford. And while there is nothing wrong with any of those things, if they’re not second to building a firm foundation on Jesus, you’ll find yourself planted in shallow, rocky ground and wilting fast.
It wasn’t until I started focusing on my relationship with Jesus that I saw real change. And that change happened in me before it happened in my marriage. Remember when I said in the introduction that our focus was going to be on ourselves and not our spouse? Well, nothing will ever root your marriage deep enough for the growth you’re longing for unless you are first rooted in Jesus yourself.
Do you find yourself trying to do all the things to fix what’s broken? Sweet, sweet friend, hear me when I say:
s u r r e n d e r.
Until you surrender to Him and Him alone, everything else will have you spinning your wheels and will leave you exhausted. You must first seek the Lord, do what He is calling you to do, and trust the growth to Jesus.
Dear Heavenly Father, thank You for always being the answer. There is no question or problem I could ever have where surrendering to You and Your perfect will isn’t the answer. Forgive me when I take over and think I have the answers. Help me to fix my gaze on You as You renew my mind and transform my heart, making me more like You. Make me quick to surrender and slow to react. I want to be rooted deeply in You because I know that is the only place I am safe and where you will produce growth for Your glory. I love You, Jesus. Amen.
Day 4
Scriptures: Matthew 13:7, 1 Corinthians 13:4-5
Three years into our marriage, Stephen had a brief affair with a coworker. The road to healing was long and the work was hard—I’m not even gonna try and sugar coat it. However, our marriage’s restoration rests entirely with God. We wouldn’t be where we are today, and we won’t be wherever God leads us in the future without Him.
Yet, years after the affair had taken place, I found myself still making choices from a place of hurt or anticipation of more hurt. And that space is where I started keeping score and acting as if it hadn’t been for me, we wouldn’t exist.
Even writing those words makes me have a knot in my stomach. How arrogant of me to even think I was the saving grace in our marriage, let alone keep score and throw it around like some badge of honor.
Gross. But that’s what I did.
Anytime we’d get into a big fight, I’d like to proudly remind him that if it weren’t for me being so forgiving and long-suffering, we wouldn’t be married. I would list off all the many ways I held us together when things would start to fall apart. If we were sharing our testimony with others, of course, I’d give God all the glory, but internally, I kept tally and gave myself a trophy.
But here’s the thing, the scorecard grew longer and longer. I started keeping score of all the things I did for our family, not just our marriage. The laundry, homeschooling, cleaning, diapers, meals, disciplining, grocery shopping, dishes. You name it, I counted it. And I let him know it whenever we started to argue or whenever I felt like I wasn’t appreciated. It was a dangerous and demeaning space for me to live in, and it was very damaging to our marriage.
Scorekeeping is not only demeaning in marriage, but also against God’s design. 1 Corinthians 13:4-5 tells us, “Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.”
You see, keeping score is sharp and cutting. It keeps us tangled in a false sense of reality. And it will choke the life out of any growth taking place in our life and our marriage. The only kind of record we should be keeping in our marriage is the one where God gets all the glory because we are nothing without Him.
“Other seeds fell among thorns that grew up and choked out the tender plants.” Matthew 13:7
We are very tender beings and that includes our husbands. Part of our assignment as wives is to love them with the care and gentleness of Jesus. But try as we may, we cannot do this in our own strength and ability alone. We must depend on Jesus for help.
Without the power of the Holy Spirit working through us, we will quickly become frustrated and revert back to our old ways. And keeping score only perpetuates the lie in our minds that we hold it all together. When in fact, we know there’s only One who holds all things together. Until we rightly put ourselves where we belong in our marriage (God first, spouse second, us third), we will continually keep a record.
Dear Heavenly Father, thank You for the truth of Your Word that pierces through the hardest and darkest of places. I confess that I’ve been keeping score and I can see now how damaging and harsh it is. It is the opposite of who You are and I want to only bear Your image. Help me to rip up the scorecard and give me a gentleness and humility that can only come from You. I only want to give You glory because You deserve it all. I love You, Lord. Amen.
Day 5
Scripture: Matthew 13:8
When Stephen came back from his deployment in the Middle East, he came back a changed man. The things he was witness to and had to work through over there altered him. And honestly, it would probably do the same to most of us. One of the most significant transformations was his plan for his future outside the Coast Guard. He’d talked about being a police officer before but hadn’t mentioned it for years.
However, when he got back from being overseas, he was determined to go into law enforcement. There were many reasons why I didn’t like this, and the main one being I was tired of doing life without him. I was tired of shift work, long and unpredictable hours, and having to plan life around him only to have something change at the last minute and him not be there anyway.
Bottom line: I was tired.
Anytime the topic came up that first year he was back, it turned into an all-out war zone kind of argument. I didn’t know what I wanted for him after retirement; I just knew I didn’t want that. It was me against him, and that is never grounds for healthy growth in marriage.
I finally decided to commit this topic to prayer and ask God to change it. Well, really change Stephen because I just knew I was on the right side of God with this one. And He did answer my prayer, but not in the way I thought He would.
He changed me. God showed me my husband’s heart to serve and love people. And doing so through law enforcement was what He’d given Stephen the desire to do. I had been reacting from such a self-serving place that I was willing to discourage my husband from doing what God had called him to do.
When I think back over our 20+ years of marriage, and all the times I fought so hard for control and my way before finally surrendering to God, what needed to change the most was me. God will do waymore with our surrender than we will ever do in our striving. When we surrender to Him, we cultivate fertile ground ready for God to produce growth and a great harvest.
“Still other seeds fell on fertile soil, and they produced a crop that was thirty, sixty, and even a hundred times as much as had been planted!” Matthew 13:8
This fertile ground in marriage is cultivated when we intentionally put God first above all else. It’s making sure we’re rooted in the life-giving source that is Jesus. It’s where He uproots what doesn’t belong and fills us with what does. It’s where we get to deeply know the character of God that can only be known through time spent seeking Him, reading His Word, listening to His voice, and surrendering to His will. It’s where change happens and growth takes place. And it’s where we can be the wife God has called us to be.
I know there are aspects of your marriage that are well outside of your control, but they’re not outside of God’s. He wants to bring about change, and that change starts in you. God’s not asking you to fix all that’s wrong in your life and your marriage. He’s simply inviting you to love Him above all else and to seek Him first. The results of what comes after that are in His hands.
Dear Heavenly Father, You are patient and full of grace. I so often try to fix what’s broken or manipulate the outcome to fit my prerogative instead of surrendering to You and Your perfect plan. Help me to run to You first, not only in my marriage but in everyday life. And help me to ask for forgiveness quickly when I strive to make it all work myself. I don’t want it if it’s not from You so I lay it all at Your feet. Have Your way today and every day. I love You, Jesus. Amen.