7 Ways to Prepare Your Heart for Marriage

Scriptures: 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, Jeremiah 29:12, James 1:5

Pray Regularly

If your desire is for God to prepare your heart for marriage, it begins with prayer. Prayer has been a vital foundation over my years of marriage with Nancy.

1 Thessalonians says we can pray about anything and “pray without ceasing.” It is a time to be totally and completely transparent with God. Ask for His guidance and wisdom, as Scripture tells us in James 1. As the creator of marriage, God has all the answers about marriage in general and yours in particular. He knows you and the person you plan to marry better than anyone, and that includes you!

Lay your hopes, your desires, and your fears at His feet. Ask Him to refine your hopes and desires and make them consistent with what He has designed for you. Being honest with your fears allows God to help you understand where they are coming from and then show you the best way to deal with them.

For example, if you are questioning whether this is the person God has for you or not, ask Him to make that clear. We know when we call on him in prayer, He will listen (Jeremiah 29:12). This can be a dangerous prayer because God may close the door on this relationship, but it is also a very important time to trust Him. It may be difficult now, but God may be protecting you from things you cannot see. He may be preparing you for someone else. Never forget that God is always good and always has your best interests at heart. Plus, He loves you more than you can ever imagine.

Next Steps:

• Set aside a regular time each day to spend with God. Be completely honest with Him. Ask for His guidance and wisdom.
• Do you need to pray a dangerous prayer about your relationship?

Scriptures: Genesis 2:18-24, Hebrews 4:12, Psalms 119:11, Psalms 5:3

Study God’s Word

What is the design and purpose of marriage? How would you answer that question? Our world can give us many answers. Some may be consistent with God’s plan, and some may not.

Instead of trying to sort those answers out yourself, why not go directly to God’s word and see what the creator of marriage has to say about His creation? The word is “alive and active,” and God will use it powerfully as you seek Him there (Hebrews 4:12).

Start with Genesis 2:18-24. After God created everything, including man, He looked over all of His magnificent creation and said all was good. Except for one thing: Man was alone. Then God created the first woman to join with the first man in the first marriage.

Next to our relationship with God, marriage is held up as the most valued relationship we have in this life. Our marriage and our spouse are gifts to be cherished, but it does not end there. In Proverbs 18:22, the blessings of marriage are affirmed. The Message translation puts it this way: “Find a good spouse, you will find a good life – and even more: the favor of God.” That is a powerful principle and tells us what a gift marriage is.

Now, dig deeper into God’s word as you invite Him to change your heart to be more like His. Taking his word to heart protects us from sin, as we see in Psalm 119:11, “I have hidden your Word in my heart, that I might not sin against you.” When you have worries and concerns, lay your requests before him and depend on Him as He is trustworthy. Psalm 5:3 says, “In the morning, LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly.”

Finally, look at Philippians 4:6-7, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” Give your concerns over to God, fill your heart with His word, and His peace will be with you.

Over time, getting into the Word will transform you to be more like Jesus, which is the best way to be the spouse God made you to be.

Next Steps:

• Spend time in verses that help you understand God’s design and purpose for marriage.
• Pray for God to change your heart to be more like His.

Scriptures: Proverbs 19:20, Proverbs 12:15, Proverbs 11:14

Seek Godly Counsel

God will bring people into our lives to guide us and encourage us. Do you have those people? Seek out a mentor who is married and who has a godly marriage. Ask to spend time with them. Ask them questions about marriage and let them pour into you, then “Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom,” Proverbs 19:20. Listen to their experiences and the wisdom God has given them. This will help you process through things so you can handle challenges and learn more about putting Christ first in your marriage.

Every relationship encounters obstacles. Some people ignore them, and some let the obstacles scare them away. I want you to meet your obstacles head-on. Don’t be afraid. One of the best gifts you can give to your future marriage is to have confidence that, with God’s help, you and your future spouse can solve any problem you face. If you feel stuck, go to see a Christian Counselor. This is someone who will help you navigate those problems and learn how to resolve them together in a way that honors God and your marriage. Proverbs 12:15 says that “a wise man listens to advice.” It is not weak to ask for help; it is wise!

Before Nancy and I married, Nancy sought out a godly woman to help her prepare to be a wife. I don’t know all they talked about, but I do know one thing she told Nancy that has been a foundation of our marriage since our wedding night. This wise lady told Nancy that we needed to pray together, and we have. We have prayed together 99% of the almost 20,000 days we have been married. Nothing has had the impact on our marriage that prayer has. I am so thankful for that wise lady. “In an abundance of counselors there is safety” (Prov 11:14). Godly counsel will protect your future marriage, which is invaluable.

Next Steps:

• Find a mentor to walk through this season with you.
• Seek Christian counseling if you get stuck.

Scriptures: Genesis 2:24, Ecclesiastes 4:12

Spiritual Intimacy with Your Future Spouse

Although Nancy and I both see prayer as the bedrock of our marriage, there are other ways to grow spiritually together. Spiritual intimacy is part of the “one flesh” union in marriage that brings the two spouses closer than any other relationship can be (Genesis 2:24).

Reading the Bible together is awesome. Each year, Nancy and I do a reading plan that takes us through the Bible in a year. We read the same thing, but each read it at different times during the day. Then, we can share what we learned with each other. We will watch a Bible Project video or read a YouVersion Bible plan together at night. What God teaches us through His word and how sharing grows us closer to Him and each other is amazing.

Find a church home that you both like. Research tells us that people who say they go to church on average go one time a month or less. Don’t let that be you. Be sure the church is Christ-centered. The process may take some time, but it will be worth it. Unless you are both a big “no” the first time you visit a new church, go two or three times to be fair to the church. Even the best churches can have a bad day. Once you settle on a church, get involved. Serve, get in a small group, participate in activities. You are building relationships with the people who will be there for you day after day and year after year.

Bottom line: God is the center of “the cord of three strands” that Ecclesiastes 4:12 speaks of. Put yourself in a position to grow spiritually together and put God at the center of your marriage. Then keep Him there.

Next Steps:

• Begin reading a Bible plan together.
• If you do not have a church home, make a list of three to five churches to visit and then begin visiting.

Scriptures: Psalms 147:3, Isaiah 41:10, 2 Corinthians 5:17, Psalms 119:23-24

Work on Personal Growth and Healing

Part of preparing your heart for marriage is getting yourself as healthy as possible. If you want a healthy marriage, it takes two healthy people. Do you have personal issues, past hurts, or unresolved conflicts? This could stem from your family of origin, friends, or past relationships.

If you said “yes” to any of these, what do you need to do? We know from Scripture that He heals the brokenhearted and binds their wounds (Psalm 147:3), so seek God for healing. Depending on the issue, you could join a support group or find a Christian Counselor. You may need to start with quiet times where you can read the Bible, journal, and pray. Ask God for guidance and wisdom. Ask Him to surface anything that He wants to help you deal with and heal the areas He wants to heal. One of my favorite prayers and scriptures is from Psalm 139: 23-24, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

Working on yourself is never easy, but it is essential. We all have baggage from our past. But in Christ, you are made new! “If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come,” (2 Corinthians 5:17). So you have a choice: You can either drag that baggage into your new marriage or check it at the door. I promise you as a counselor that you will have to deal with it sometime – either before marriage or in marriage. Save your marriage a lot of heartache and deal with it now.

The healthier you are emotionally and spiritually, the more you can do your part in building an awesome marriage.

Next Steps:

• Pray for God to reveal any personal issues, past hurts, or unresolved conflicts from your past.
• Take the necessary steps to begin dealing with these.

Scriptures: Luke 6:31, Philippians 2:3-4, Romans 12:10

Practice Selflessness

As Christians, we have the greatest example of unselfishness that ever walked this earth. We have Jesus. His entire life was spent loving others, serving, and then sacrificing by giving the ultimate sacrifice of His life.

I know that none of us can be Jesus, but that is not a reason to lower the standard. He is our model, and the good news is that as we pursue being like Him, He is there to pick us up when we fall.

So, where do you begin? Start with empathy. What does your future spouse need? Consider those needs as important as your own needs (Phillippians 2:3-4). Ephesians 5 shows us a picture of Jesus caring for the church as a husband for his bride, “No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church.” We are to look out for our spouses and care for them as for ourselves. What are their feelings and emotions? How can you come alongside them? Treat them as you’d want to be treated (Luke 6:31).

Daily, ask your spouse how you can help them. Romans 12:10 encourages us to “outdo one another in showing honor.” Pray every day that God will help you be the spouse that He designed you to be. At the end of the day, you can say, “God, with your help, I did a pretty good job serving and sacrificing for my spouse today,” or you may say, “God, today I blew it. I need your grace and forgiveness. Thank you that tomorrow is a new day for me to serve and sacrifice for my spouse and honor You.”

What if you and your future spouse in marriage both sought God like that every day? Can you even imagine the marriage you would have?

Next Steps:

• What does your future spouse need from you? How can you best come alongside them?
• Pray every day that God will help you be the spouse that He designed you to be.

Scriptures: Proverbs 24:3-4, Matthew 19:6, Ephesians 6:13-17

Premarital Counseling

Nancy and I had a lot of good things going for us as we approached marriage, but there was one huge thing we did not have. We did not have premarital counseling. Part of my passion for helping couples prepare for marriage comes from this void in our marriage. Investing the time and energy to prepare well for your marriage is an active step to “take up the whole armor of God” (Ephesians 6) and protect your marriage by applying God’s perspective as you prepare.

We did not learn about God’s roles for us as a husband and a wife. We never learned how to communicate well or how to fight fair. We didn’t have a financial plan to go by. What we knew about sex was all from the world, and we had no idea about God’s incredible plan for sex in marriage. The one thing we did have was a desire to be part of a church and to learn and grow there. The rest we learned on the fly. Premarital counseling would have put us so far ahead of where we were on our wedding day.

Over the past 26 years, I have taught pre-marital counseling to hundreds of couples. I know God has used these classes and counseling sessions to help these couples have a foundation to begin building their marriage on. I see couples all the time that were in my classes and now are years into their marriages. I meet their kids, and they tell me all God has done in their marriage. I want that for you. As you have gone through these first six days of the plan, don’t forget Day 7.

Take the time to seek wisdom and knowledge as you build and establish your marriage (Proverbs 24:3-4). Let me put it this way: you will never regret taking the time and investing in a prep-for-marriage class. Don’t walk down that aisle without it. I would love to see you in my class through Awesome Marriage.

May God richly bless you, your future spouse, and your future marriage.

Next Steps:

• Find a Christian marriage preparation class or premarital counseling course to go through together!