Ready to Remarry

Scriptures: Jeremiah 29:11, Proverbs 3:5-6, Romans 8:31-32

God Wants Good Things for You

It’s normal and healthy to have doubts about remarriage. While dating, Delise and I were uncertain about the steps we should take to remove our doubts and be in a position to consider remarriage. Both of us wanted to avoid repeating mistakes, and if we did remarry, we certainly wanted to remarry for life. To remove our doubts, we embraced two of God’s truths for our lives.

The first truth we embraced was God never wanted us to suffer divorce. It was not His will that we should go through a divorce. Nobody sets out to marry and eventually divorce. But as Delise says, “you can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube.” So, we had to start believing that God had new lives planned for each of us beyond divorce.

We also embraced another truth: Divorced didn’t mean demotion. God could bless our lives beyond divorce, and we didn’t have to live in shame about being divorced.

Remember, God wants good things for you. The enemy would love nothing more than to keep you living in shame about your divorce. Don’t let the enemy win by embracing such a lie. Believe instead that God wants to bless your life beyond divorce.

Suggestions

1. Remember, God wants good things for you.
2. Don’t let the enemy shame you about your divorce or anything else.
3. Ask God to heal your heart of all wounds caused by divorce or anything else. If we are faithful to ask, He will heal us.

Prayer

Lord, I know you love me. I know that you have good plans for me. I need your help today to trust you. I ask that you help me see anything in my heart that is not of you. Help me see any shame, anger, or bitterness. I take captive in Jesus’ name any false beliefs in my heart and ask you, God, to expose them so that they will no longer have power over me. I have made mistakes, but Lord, you tell me I am not a mistake. I am worthy, and I am your child. Thank you, Lord, for all your blessings, and I pray that you will draw me closer to you today. In Jesus’ name, amen.

Scriptures: Ecclesiastes 3:1, Hebrews 12:15, Ephesians 4:32

Get Healthy

After a divorce, you have wounds that need time to heal. We often have spiritual, physical, emotional, and financial hurts. The last thing you want to do is make critical life decisions if you’re experiencing any of these wounds. Give God time to heal you before you start dating again. Otherwise, your wounds will cause you to bleed on people who never cut you.

The reality is we have to face our hurts and pains. Focus on identifying your wounds. Whether they come from divorce, childhood, or things that have happened elsewhere in your life, give God time to heal you.

Let the pain of your divorce and other wounds go. Give it to God. Let Him heal your heart. Healing is the first step toward getting healthy.

Suggestions

Here are the steps to help you find healing, followed by a prayer to guide you.

1. Take a moment to confess to God all the sins in your heart.
2. Ask God to forgive you.
3. Forgive those who have wounded you.
4. Ask God to heal all of your wounds.
5. Declare God is a good father and thank Him for always being faithful to forgive and heal you.

Prayer

Lord, I need your help today. I want to be healthy. You say there is a time for every matter under heaven. A time to cry, mourn and heal. I open my heart to you, God. I am asking you, Jesus, to spiritually perform heart surgery on me. God, show me all the hurt and broken places in me. Lord, please forgive me for the wrongs I have done. Please forgive me for believing any lies spoken to me about who I am. Lord, I ask you to forgive me for these sins. Please help me to forgive myself. I forgive all those who spoke these lies and all the people who have sinned against me. I am asking for strength and wisdom to walk the way you want me to through life. I thank you, Lord, and I receive your forgiveness. Today I am a clean slate and ready to become the person, spouse, and child of God you created me to be. In Jesus’ name, amen.

Scriptures: Ephesians 5:13, Psalms 27:14, Psalms 37:7, Psalms 38:15

Slow Down

The Bible says we should be patient and wait on the Lord. In Psalm 27, we learn that God wants us to wait, gain strength, and let our hearts take courage. The same is true when you date after having gone through a divorce. Be patient. Slow down. Wait on the Lord to show you more about the person you are dating, and let your heart take courage because the Lord can and will pace the relationship if you allow Him.

The Bible also says in Ephesians 5 that all things become visible when exposed by the light, for everything that becomes visible is light. When you are patient, you can discover many new things about the person you are dating because they become visible.

Suggestions

Take some time to discuss your values to develop relationship expectations. Here’s how.

1) Make a list of your values for dating, marital relations, stepparenting, finances, intimacy, and resolving conflicts. For example, one of ours is kindness. Even during an argument, we expect each other to be kind.

2) Share your values and expectations. Take time to talk about both of your lists.

3) Identify and discuss differences. It’s wise to discuss adjusting expectations if you find discrepancies in your values. For example, if you both value not using credit cards, you would expect neither of you would use credit cards. But if one of you believes using credit cards is acceptable, you have different values. Talk about it. Work through this difference and any others. The main reason for doing this exercise is to establish shared expectations in your relationship.

Prayer

Lord, I ask you to give me eyes to see what you see. I ask God that you give my spirit and heart a new revelation about what I need to see and do. Your Word says that I should be equally yoked in a relationship. I pray that you give me the strength and wisdom to slow down so I can hear you. Holy Spirit, give me a kind heart to talk and grow as a Christian and couple. Lord, I wait for you, and your Word says that you will answer when I seek you. In Jesus’ name, amen.

Scriptures: Psalms 119:105, Psalms 147:11, John 16:13, Romans 12:2

Go Deeper

Ask God to give you wisdom about your decision to remarry. In John 16, the Bible says the Holy Spirit will guide us into all truth, declaring the things to come. In Psalm 119, the Bible says God’s word is a lamp unto our feet and a light to our path. Studying God’s word can help you go deeper and discover wisdom about moving forward with your remarriage plans. Pray. Study God’s Word. And He will provide wisdom for you to plan your remarriage.

Suggestions

Think about the different scenarios you might find yourself in with this new person if you marry them. Everything is on the table to be discussed, from stepparenting roles to intimacy. Delise called this exercise Cowboy Trivia. Initially, she asked me questions over the phone, and eventually, I did the same with her. She called it Cowboy Trivia because I grew up on an Oklahoma ranch. Sometimes, we would plan unique getaways and include a time for Cowboy Trivia.

1. Each of you should make a list of scenario questions. Most likely, your fears about remarriage will determine the scenario questions you’ll ask, and that’s what you should do.
2. Discuss. Find a time to get away to discuss. We took an entire afternoon away from all distractions to do Cowboy Trivia. We wrote our scenario questions on paper and placed them in a box, and one by one, we discussed them. It helped us shine a light on our fears about remarriage.
3. Repeat Cowboy Trivia as needed.

Prayer

Jesus, I open my heart to you. I ask you to help me go deeper with you. Let the depth of my knowledge, trust, and understanding of you increase today. God, I need you today to help me be open to learning everything I can about (potential spouse name). God, help my eyes open wide to see all the beautiful things you have put in this person. Please help me understand how to lovingly make plans and adjustments needed to come up with compromises about future scenarios. Lord, I ask you to help me hear your voice on these matters so that I will know what your will is because your choice for me is good and pleasing. Speak to me, God; I am listening. Lead us, God. I am ready to follow you and your will. In Jesus’ name, amen.

Scriptures: Proverbs 11:9, Proverbs 15:1, Proverbs 16:24, Proverbs 20:15

Fight Fair

Before you remarry, it’s wise to make a plan to resolve disagreements healthily. You’ll resolve conflicts without hurting each other if you are kind and gentle. If both of you are harsh, you’ll reap harshness. In Proverbs 15, we learn a soft answer turns away wrath, but harsh words stir up anger.

To resolve disagreements, you can use the plan below. However, if you’re in an abusive relationship, seek professional help immediately.

Suggestions

To make a plan to resolve disagreements healthily, try these.

1. Remember the purpose. Seek solutions. Your mission is to be a problem-solver, not a right-fighter who only wants to win the disagreement by arguing.
2. Agree on words or phrases to avoid. Avoid words or phrases that trigger fears in each other. Each of you should make a list and share it.
3. Lead with empathy. Empathy de-escalates tensions. It’s wise to listen first and speak second. Use statements expressing your understanding of the other person’s pain or frustration.
4. Practice active listening. Repeat what the other person says, so both of you are clear on the problem.
5. Practice timeouts. If things get too intense, take a timeout. The person who needs the timeout should communicate how long they need to cool off. Return to the conversation later. Do your best to resolve the issue before the end of the day.

Prayer

God, I ask you to help me learn today to solve problems. Lord, I invite you to be a guard over the door of my lips. Let all the words I say filter through you and your will. Jesus, I want to be more like you, wise with my words. God, I ask for wisdom to know when to speak and listen. God, I invite you to help me remember to be calm and always seek a solution, not victory. Your word says once I marry my spouse, we are one. If either one of us loses a disagreement, we both lose. Please help us honor and love each other through all disagreements. Lord, help us grow so that we might learn to help each other win together even when we are angry and hurt. I need you, God. I can’t do this without you in control. Your word says the tongue is the hardest thing to control. With you, Lord, I can. Thank you, Lord. In Jesus’ name, amen.

Scriptures: Lamentations 3:25-26, Exodus 14:14, Romans 8:25, Habakkuk 2:1

Date, Wait, and Evaluate

Are you ready to remarry? It’s wise not to rush into remarriage. The Lord wants to protect you from heartache. The Bible says you should be patient because you will benefit from waiting upon the Lord. When you’re patient, you have time to evaluate how things are going, and the Lord has time to reveal everything you need to see.

Suggestions

Here are a few questions to help determine your readiness to remarry.

1. Do you believe that God has good plans for your life?
2. Have you diligently sought God’s wisdom about your decision to remarry?
3. Would you agree that you are spiritually, physically, emotionally, and financially healthy?
4. Are you free of any guilt or shame?
5. Are you confident you’ll be able to resolve disagreements healthily when they happen in your current relationship?

These would be red lights if you answered ‘no’ to any of these questions. It’s wise to resolve these issues before you remarry. If you struggle to work through these issues, a professional Christian counselor could help you.

Prayer

Lord, Thank you for today. Thank you for being so faithful in giving me wisdom when I ask for it. I am asking. Lord, don’t let my emotions blind me from the truth. I am keeping watch to see what you will speak to me. I pray that I do not get so wrapped up in what my heart may be feeling that I get blinded to any red lights. I ask you to reveal any red lights and give me the wisdom to stay on your path for my family and me. Lord, don’t let me fall into the enemy’s trap. I ask that you open my eyes to the unseen. If there are reasons that I need to slow down this relationship, show them to me and help me obey your will. Lord, I recognize that your ways are right and better than mine. I am willing to yield my desire to you and give you complete control to be the Lord of my life. Open my eyes and heart to see what I need to see in this situation. I pray your will be done. I know if it is your will, it will be the best path for me. Thank you, Lord. In Jesus’ name, amen.

Scriptures: Proverbs 19:2, Philippians 4:6, Proverbs 21:5, Psalms 46:10

Go or No-Go?

The Bible warns us not to rush into anything. If we hurry, we make mistakes. If we are hasty, the Bible says we will come into poverty. However, if we pray and wait upon the Lord, our plans will be diligent, leading to an advantage. That’s why it’s wise to work through any relationship issues before remarrying.

Suggestions

It would be best to be confident about remarrying before introducing children into your relationship. That’s why it’s wise to take some time to evaluate if your remarriage is a go or no-go exercise. Consider the following questions.

1. Are there relationship issues you still need to resolve? Those are red lights.
2. Do you have any concerns?
3. How confident are you that it’s time to remarry?

Suppose you’re not confident. In that case, it’s best to continue working through the red lights before introducing children into your relationship. You may need to seek the help of a professional Christian counselor. The other option is to consider putting the brakes on the relationship altogether. The last thing you want to do is rush into a remarriage.

Prayer

Thank you, Lord, for this opportunity to learn and hear your voice. God help me not to be the one who looks at myself in the mirror and then forgets what they look like right after. I ask that your words and ways be written on my heart. I will not forget all I have discovered about myself and this situation. I want to be a good steward of all the hearts involved. Please help me to stay in my lane and not be controlling. I give complete control to you, God. Speak to me now if this is not what will be best for me or if I am not ready to step into this role. Holy Spirit, I need your guidance to help me through this. I will keep my heart open, ears keen to hear you, and my mouth slow to speak. Lead me and teach me, God. I love you and am ready to listen to you. Whether you say this is a go or no-go, I will listen to you, God. In Jesus’ name, amen.

Scriptures: Ephesians 4:32, Proverbs 18:21, Philippians 4:6

Before Introducing Your Children

Suppose you’re confident that it’s time to remarry. At this point, you consider the person you’re dating a potential spouse and have worked through all the red light issues. To prepare to introduce children into your relationship, realize these three things about building new relationships.

First, the Bible says we have the power to build relationships by the words that we speak. In Proverbs 18, the Bible says death and life are in the power of the tongue. Words can either build or destroy relationships. Second, the Bible also says we can build relationships based on actions. In Ephesians 4, the Bible says we must be kind to one another, compassionate, and forgiving. Speaking positive words, being kind, understanding, and forgiving contribute to building relationships.

Finally, loyalty conflicts will slow the relationship-building process. Children naturally feel loyalty to their biological parents. It’s normal for them to feel a loyalty conflict between their birth parents and their new, potential stepparents. It’s wise to avoid situations that place any children in a loyalty conflict.

Suggestions

To prepare to successfully introduce your children to each other, discuss the following.

1. Do you see any situations ahead that could cause loyalty conflicts? How will you avoid them? How will you deal with loyalty conflicts that emerge?
2. Do you have a plan to introduce your children to your potential spouse? If not, the ninth day of this devotional gives you a step-by-step plan.

Prayer

Lord, thank you for being with us through this process. God, I ask you to continue to speak to me. Help me to love how you love. Jesus, help me be more like you and less like my flesh. I ask for good fruit, patience, kindness, love, and forgiveness. I ask for your wisdom and guidance. Jesus, show me where I can help and where I need to give things to you. So many hearts are involved. God, I ask you for the words and when to say them. I ask you to know when to be silent and the restraint to do so. Help me follow your heart and how you have loved me so I will reflect your love to all around me. In Jesus’ name, amen.

Scriptures: Proverbs 2:6-8, Psalms 119:105

Introducing Your Children

Letting the Lord tell you when it’s time to introduce your children to your potential spouse is wise. The Bible says in Proverbs 2 that the Lord gives wisdom freely to those who diligently ask and seek Him. Psalm 119 also tells us God’s Word is a light to our path. Pray. Ask God for wisdom to know when to introduce your children to your potential spouse. God’s timing is always perfect.

Suggestions

Here’s a step-by-step plan you can use when it’s time to introduce your children to your potential spouse.

1. Remember your role. Each of you should remain the disciplinarian of your biological children. If your potential spouse has children, your role with them is similar to being an aunt, uncle, or babysitter.
2. Both of you should plan a short event to make introductions. The event will depend on the age of the children. Choose something fun for all the children involved.
3. Keep the time together short. You don’t need a full day of activity. One or two hours will be enough.
4. Remember, children will be nervous at this event. Be flexible. That means you should go with what your children want to do as the time together unfolds during the event. If your children become uncomfortable or ask to do something else instead, go with what they want.
5. After the event, it’s best not to ask your children many questions. Quizzing your children will most likely make them feel pressured, and you won’t glean much information.
6. Repeat. As you’re around each other’s children more, you can extend the time of each event.

Prayer

Lord, I ask you today to guide my steps. Is it time to introduce my children? What I think does not measure up to what you know. Please help me to stay on your path. I want your will for all of us. Your word says if we ask for wisdom, you will freely give it. I ask for your insight on timing, moving forward with Your plan, and helping me be a loving partner in all of this. Jesus, allow me to stay open to you and your voice, will, and correction. I am listening for your guidance. Help my heart stay tender and open. Help my eyes see the things right before me and the unseen. In Jesus’ name, amen.

Scriptures: Ephesians 4:29, Matthew 22:35-38, Matthew 18:21-23

Two Funerals and One Wedding

You love each other. You love each other’s children. Hopefully, you’ve dated for at least two years now. You may now be engaged. Congratulations! Now it’s time to prepare for two funerals and one wedding.

The Bible warns of the harmful impact of being selfish. Selfishness can lead us to say words that hurt or take actions that damage our relationships. You need to prepare for two funerals and one wedding daily. A friend of ours from Korea told us of this saying. Each person must become unselfish. Only then can there be a wedding of one.

Suggestions

Keep these Biblical principles alive every day in your marriage, and you’ll grow closer together in Christ Jesus. Only then can you truly have a successful remarriage.

1. Keep putting Jesus first; keep loving Jesus most. Make it a priority to keep your relationship with Jesus growing by reading the Bible, praying, serving in your local church, and doing these things together.
2. Speak life words to your spouse. Use words to build up your spouse, encourage them, and speak life over them.
3. Forgive each other. Your spouse will do something that hurts you, and you will be in a position to extend forgiveness. The Bible calls us to forgive their mistakes to keep our relationship strong. Your spouse is not perfect; neither are you.

Prayer

God, I ask you to bless our relationship. You are doing something new in my life, heart, and this union. Lord, I give you my past hurts to heal me. Please help me change any wrong patterns I have created due to my choices and the choices of others. A kind word turns away wrath; help me to remember that. I know I am only human, so help me remember my spouse is human, too. God, I pray that you will bless our union as we get married and help us continually grow closer to each other and closer to you. Please put a hedge of protection around us and send your angels to watch over our children and us. In Jesus’ name, amen.