7 Relationship Goals for Your Marriage

Scriptures: Genesis 2:24, Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

#1 – becoming a ‘stronger together team’

Mark: When I first met Christine I thought she was gorgeous, and I tried hard to impress her. When the jokes didn’t work, I invited her out for dinner.

Christine: When I first met Mark I thought he was James Bond! He whisked me off on the back of his enormous motorbike for our first date, and he looked very sexy in his leather jacket. We were the last to leave the Italian restaurant that night. Three years later we were married.

Many books and films would end at that point with “. . . and they lived happily ever after.” 

Three months into our marriage Mark blurted out: I’m not sure I want to be married, and I’m not sure I want to be married to you! 

I was devastated and cried a lot. I felt totally rejected.

But somehow we kept going, muddling along and sweeping issues “under the carpet.” 

A few years later we hit another challenge. This time it was more serious, not because of any particular incident, but because we both realized that our “muddling along” had meant we were drifting apart. 

Ten years into our marriage things started to change for the good. 

We discovered the ultimate relationship goal—God’s vision for marriage—which re-envisioned us. 

Whatever our ideas, God designed marriage to bring together two individuals to be united as “one”—emotionally, physically, and spiritually. His vision is for a loving, trusting, faithful, and committed relationship where the two are stronger together than when apart. 

God’s vision for marriage inspired and united us, drawing us together in the way we were meant to be—living life to the full as a couple.

Gradually our relationship experienced transformation. 

REFLECTION

In what ways are you, or could you become a “stronger together team,” with God’s help? 

PRAYER 

Heavenly Father, open the eyes of our hearts to see the beauty and depth of your vision for marriage. Please use these devotionals to bring fresh direction for us as a couple, so we can live life to the full, together as a united and “stronger together team.”

Scriptures: Genesis 2:24-25, Psalms 34:4-5, 1 John 4:18

#2 – growing intimacy in our communication 

Christine: I felt really churned up. There were all kinds of feelings going round and round inside, and suddenly they burst out. I started to cry. For once, I thought, Mark did the right thing, and instead of trying to fix things, he put his arms around me and just held me without saying anything. 

Mark: Christine told me that she was crying because we didn’t have a relationship where we talked deeply. She felt that our relationship was shallow, and she wanted greater intimacy. This was a wake-up call for me!  

Our communication as a couple was mostly about “all the things that must get done.” 

Sex had become routine.

Our marriage definitely lacked intimacy!

God’s design for “oneness” in marriage is a picture of intimacy at different levels as we join our hearts, minds, and bodies together. 

Our communication helps us to build emotional intimacy. We can have regular date nights and work on our listening—all good things—but growing intimacy takes more than improving communication skills; it needs deep communication.

The heart of deep communication is about being transparent, which requires openness and trust. That level of transparency is easier when communication is free from shame, blame, guilt, and fear. So often it’s not. 

The root of our communication problem lies in our sinful nature, putting our thoughts, feelings, desires, and lives at the center of everything and before others. We also tend to hide our true selves from each other, making it harder to get close. 

Christine: Over the years we have learned—with God’s help—to share at a transparent level. We’ve both opened up to talk to each other about our feelings and insecurities, as well as our hopes and dreams.  

Mark: This kind of sharing requires us to be vulnerable. The good thing is it grows our trust levels which, in turn, helps us to be more transparent—a win win! 

This deeper level of communication can become something that brings understanding, joy, and growing intimacy.

REFLECTION

Why do you think we tend to hide our true selves from one another? 

How can God help you grow intimacy in your communication?

PRAYER 

Heavenly Father, thank you that we don’t need to hide from you or from one another in fear of judgement, rejection, or hurt because of your love in Christ. Help us to be trusting and transparent in our communication, and grow intimacy in our marriage. 

Scriptures: 1 John 4:7-12, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, Romans 5:5

#3 – loving my partner with God’s love 

Mark: In the early years our love was a heady mixture of emotions. I thought Christine was perfect—my soul mate. I just wanted to make her happy; I didn’t even think about it: surprise dates, flowers, chocolates . . .

Christine: A few years into married life I realized that I didn’t always feel like loving Mark. Sometimes I didn’t think he deserved it!  And, I’m not proud of it, but my love was conditional; my thinking went: if Mark does abc then I’ll do xyz.

We’re not meant to be alone. God created us to be in relationships—with Him and with other people—to give and receive love. 

The problem with human love is that it’s a taking kind of love.

Lasting, intimate relationships need giving love that’s active, unselfish, and sacrificial. That kind of love is described in the Bible, and this is the way God loves us.

“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” 

Amazing! 

We can only love others fully with this special kind of giving love when we receive it from God first. 

God is love. He is the Source. He “pours it into our hearts.” 

The more we open ourselves to God’s love, in the context of a relationship with Him, the more we are filled with His love through the Holy Spirit. And His love will “spill out” to others, including our partner, so that we will be able to love them in the way they need it.

REFLECTION

In what ways does your husband or wife need loving right now? 

How can receiving God’s love into your heart help you love your partner in the way he or she needs it?

PRAYER 

Heavenly Father, thank you for your amazing love, and that we can love others when we are filled with your love. Help us to receive your love into our hearts by the power of your Holy Spirit. If there are any barriers to receiving your love, please bring healing to those places. Help us to love each other in the way we each need it right now. 

Scriptures: Ephesians 4:25-26, Ephesians 4:29-32

#4 – handling angry feelings positively

Mark: When I get frustrated or angry my feelings tend to explode. Christine can say something, and I react, thinking the worst, because I’m feeling criticized. Sometimes I can shout and say things I later regret. 

Christine: When Mark gets angry I get defensive, and we can end up in a verbal boxing match, which isn’t great. When I get angry I stuff my feelings inside, which I know isn’t good either. When asked: “what’s wrong?” I tend to say: “nothing!” Sometimes my irritation (which we call my “baby anger”) comes out in prickly or unkind remarks. 

Strong emotions affect the person feeling them AND the person on the receiving end—the partner. 

Whether we explode or stuff our emotions, they can disconnect us from each other AND from God. 

Powerful feelings often cloud judgement, and we also tend to see situations from our own point of view. 

God doesn’t say that we shouldn’t feel angry (He gave us the emotion in the first place)! But He doesn’t want us to let emotions turn into bitterness, rage, or bad behavior.

He does say we need to handle anger positively, to control and use it as a signal that something is wrong and requires action. 

Christine: I’ve had to learn not to stuff my feelings but to admit them and to ask forgiveness. I ask God to help me recognize what’s really going on inside, which is often fear of not getting things “right,” which comes out in perfectionist behaviors.  

Mark: I pray regularly for self-control to manage my anger so it doesn’t frighten Christine. I also ask God to help me identify the truth of what’s underneath, so I can deal with the root cause, which is often my own fear of failure. 

We’re both a work in progress, learning to take our feelings to God, processing them with Him, and asking for forgiveness. 

Working through strong emotions and talking about them with each other helps us to forgive one another, resolve arguments and grow emotionally and spiritually. It’s also brought us closer together.

REFLECTION

How do you tend to express your angry feelings? 

How do you handle feelings expressed by your partner?

How could God help you to handle any angry feelings more positively – your own and those of your partner? 

PRAYER

Heavenly Father, thank you that you understand anger and strong feelings. We are sorry that our anger is often petty and selfish. Help us to handle our own feelings with self control and to recognize the truth of what is going on inside. Please help us to sacrifice any desire to retaliate and to forgive one another, as we are forgiven in Christ. 

Scriptures: Song of Songs 4:9-11, Proverbs 5:18-19

#5 – deepening physical intimacy

Mark: I’m glad that God invented sex! I enjoy giving Christine pleasure, and I love it when she receives that. I don’t just want her body; I want to express my love for her physically.

Christine: I want—and need—to feel emotionally close to Mark. I also need time to “get in the mood.” For me sex is more like the “icing on the cake” . . . we have to “bake the cake” first through growing emotional intimacy.

Many couples enjoy healthy sex lives, but for others it can be an area of their marriage with which they struggle. Some may even feel that they are failing in some way. 

Many things can get in the way of a mutually satisfying sex life:

• Our different needs and seasons of life.
• Communication struggles.
• Tiredness, stress, and health conditions.
• Traps like pornography.

God made us as physical beings and we’re “fearfully and wonderfully made.” 

As husband and wife, we’re designed to fit together perfectly as “one flesh.” There is nothing shameful in this.

God means sex to be good: for bonding, pleasure, and reproduction. 

For many couples sex is a sensitive and tricky issue, and there can be seasons in a marriage where sexual frequency is low. It’s good to find ways of expressing our love in a physical way that is mutually satisfying and honors God. 

We express our deep commitment and love for one another through a faithful and loving sexual relationship. 

REFLECTION

How do, or can, I express deep love and commitment for my partner in a physical way that meets their needs and honors God?

PRAYER

Heavenly Father, thank you for the gift of sex and the way it bonds us deeply in our love and commitment for one another. Help us to deepen our love for each other both emotionally and physically in ways that honor you. 

Scriptures: Galatians 5:22-25, 1 John 1:9, Ephesians 5:18

#6 – facing challenges with God

Christine: In our 35 years of marriage there have been many times when I’ve felt resentful and bitter towards Mark. I’ve let issues get between us. In those times I’ve noticed that we quickly lose emotional closeness, and I can also feel more distant from God. 

Mark: It’s struck me how much my relationship with my wife is connected to my relationship with God. Through often painful experience I’ve learned that when I least feel like spending time with Christine I need to get right with God first because there is usually some personal sin lurking. 

There are many things that can challenge a marriage: 

• Our different personalities, backgrounds, values, and expectations often attract us in the early days, but later on can “drive us crazy!”
• There is a danger of basing our relationship on “performance”: is he/she putting enough into the marriage?
• Every relationship faces tough times: difficult seasons in life, illness, financial problems.
• We can seek fulfilment outside of the marriage—an affair—if we don’t get the fulfilment we desire. This could be a love affair, or career affair, sports affair, materialism affair . . . 
• My priorities! We may not be deliberately selfish, but we all tend to naturally put our feelings, needs, and happiness first. That makes it difficult for the union of two to become a team of one.

How we handle relationship challenges will determine whether we grow closer or become emotionally distant.

God can help us face challenges to our marriage because He helps us deal with the root of the problems: our sin. 

When we confess our sin to God, accepting Jesus as our Savior, He forgives us and gives us the Holy Spirit. 

If we try to live the Christian life in our own strength we will struggle, because it’s impossible! We need God’s power and guidance to live as He intends as well as to face challenges and to do this we must live in step with the Holy Spirit.

Christine: Whenever I sense my sin taking control I admit my failure to God. I ask for forgiveness, and then I need to receive God’s forgiveness. I also ask for God to fill me afresh with His Holy Spirit.

Mark: As we surrender control back to God’s Spirit we receive His power and presence to live life—and marriage—to the fullest.

REFLECTION

What challenges are undermining our intimacy as a couple?

How does, or can, God help us?

PRAYER

Heavenly Father, we recognize how much our self centeredness and sin can damage our marriage and our relationship with you. Please forgive us. Help us to surrender our lives to Jesus and live filled with, and in step with, your Holy Spirit.

Scriptures: Genesis 1:26-28, John 13:34-35

#7 – developing a missional marriage

Mark: God’s purposes for marriage fire up my passion for marriage itself. It gives us a common goal, something to aim for beyond ourselves and beyond a cozy relationship.

Christine: It’s exciting, and perhaps a little scary, that our relationship can actually illustrate for the world the nature of God’s love. We can show people what He is like. 

When God created Adam and Eve He blessed them and instructed them to “fill the earth.” Yet this was much more than a command to increase the human population by having children, perhaps good news for couples struggling to conceive. 

He was sending them on a life mission to reproduce His image through godly people. We can only do that as we get to know Him and then help to make Him known to others.

God’s love changes us:

• We are set free, becoming more ourselves because God’s unconditional love and acceptance free us to be the people He intends us to be.
        
• We are transformed, growing more into God’s image, or likeness, through His Spirit working in us.
• Our marriage is transformed. When we open our marriage up to God He builds an ever-strengthening relationship of intimacy and trust, held together with sacrificial love and mutual submission. We become stronger together than the sum of our individual strengths.   

God wants all people to come to Him and love Him. If we are in step with Him, He will use us to draw others, including our children if we have them, to seek God for themselves.

Others will see God in us when we live godly, loving lives and give Him the credit. He wants us to stand out as “salt and light,” so that our lifestyles influence society. 

God’s desire is to shape every aspect of our married lives to be distinct, reflecting His image through the nature of our love for one another. By loving each other in God’s way we point to the source, just as Jesus in loving sacrificially, pointed the way to God.  

Christ-centered living is important. Faith without action is empty, even hypocritical. But living out the Christian life is not enough. 

We need to introduce people to Jesus by telling them His message of love and forgiveness because otherwise they won’t know. It’s also worth remembering that telling people about God’s love is an expression of love for them. 

REFLECTION

What do you think others (including your children, if you have them) see when they look at your marriage?

What are some ways you could signpost people to God? 

PRAYER

Heavenly Father, thank you that we are made in your image. Please help us to live a Christ-centered marriage that shows others something of what you are like. Please help us to share your message of love and forgiveness with those around us.