The reason behind a man’s behavior can seem overwhelming, but remember, there is nothing too difficult for God. By His grace, there is no problem that cannot be overcome. With proper support, treatment, and motivation, your husband can lead a healthy, highly functioning life, and you can have a fulfilling marriage. We’ll discuss the steps to help you and your husband get there. Get resources on marriage, parenting, faith, and more at FocusOnTheFamily.com.
Focus On The Family
Day 1
Scripture: Ephesians 3:16-19
Understand the Severity of Your Situation
Lack of caring human connection or intimacy disorders can explain why some men are lured into using pornography. In some cases, the addictive nature of pornography and destructive sexual behaviors carry severe complications and cause extensive damage to both partners and the marriage. To assess and treat the underlying and varied conditions, a more specialized type of counseling is needed in lieu of traditional counseling.
Traditional counseling is probably the kind of counseling you’re most familiar with. Perhaps you’ve tried this route in the past, meeting once or twice a week for fifty-minute sessions with a general marriage counselor or your pastor. Traditional therapy is effective for broad-spectrum marriage issues, such as when a couple has a good foundation but has hit a serious snag. Think of it like going to your family physician. In a given week, he or she treats a wide array of issues, from a sore throat to a broken leg, and maybe delivers a baby. However, if your family physician suspects that you have throat cancer, he or she will send you to an oncologist. The physician understands that your condition could be extremely serious, requiring a specialist with years of additional training and experience.
Intensive marital counseling is a more ideal approach for couples who suffer from an intimacy disorder and the other root issues which are typically part of sexually addictive behaviors. They need a marriage specialist with additional training and expertise in treating complex relationship symptoms. The specialist not only treats the surface behaviors but also knows how to assess, diagnose, and treat the bigger issues hidden beneath the surface. Treating these deeper core issues or “drivers” of the sexual compulsion requires a different format – several hours or blocks of time over three to five days in a row. Couples are usually quite surprised when they discover that several months’ worth of therapy is accomplished in one week, and it truly changes the direction of their lives and marriages! Obviously, one week of therapy isn’t a complete magic fix but think of it like a surgical procedure or radiation treatment for a marriage in crisis.
Next, we’ll look at some things to consider before confronting your husband.
Day 2
Scripture: Matthew 18:15
Decide to Confront Your Husband
You are now at a critical juncture in your life. Those are strong words, not to be taken lightly. You need to confront your husband. Specifically, you need to ask him to:
1. Acknowledge that he needs help
2. Agree to treatment that fits his situation.
Maybe you’re thinking, I’ve already asked him to do these two things a dozen times, and he just refuses to change. We go right back to where we’ve been all along. This time you’ll be asking in a different way and allowing your husband to experience natural, logical consequences if he refuses to get help.
This will be a serious conversation that can accurately be described as a loving but firm and unwavering confrontation. And this time you’ve finally reached the place where you’re ready to stop living with the pain and degradation you’ve endured. You’re ready to stand up and take a positive step that can motivate real change in your marriage. By now you’re well-informed and can make this decision with confidence! You’ve grappled with the aftershock of your husband’s actions, worked on understanding your own emotions and distorted thinking, recognized the importance of self-care, and learned a great deal about the power of addiction and why your husband does what he does.
If you’re ready to choose the recommended path, the rest of this devo will take you from this decision point through:
· Your husband’s response
· Your response to him
· The attitudes and actions that can help you both move toward a restored marriage
As you move ahead with your decision and prepare for action, you are to be affirmed for your commitment and character for making this difficult decision. May God grant you all of the power and love that is yours in Him. No matter how you feel, God is at work, and He is with you!
Next, we’ll talk about anticipating your husband’s response.
Day 3
Scripture: Deuteronomy 31:21
Anticipate Your Husband’s Response
Your husband’s response to your specific requests will determine what you do next. The purpose of anticipating his response is to help you avoid being shocked and losing your composure. If you get rattled at this point, you might not be able to go any further.
Three possible ways your husband will respond when you confront him:
· Possibility 1: He will show interest in more fully understanding your felt concerns, express sorrow for his actions, and demonstrate a desire or willingness to get help.
· Possibility 2: He will vacillate, make excuses, or back away from any definite course of action.
· Possibility 3: He will flat-out deny that he has a problem and will refuse to cooperate in any way.
These possibilities will come into play in the next section when you actually see and hear your husband’s response.
Next, we’ll examine concerns about domestic violence.
Day 4
Scripture: 1 Kings 12:6
Weigh Concerns of Domestic Violence
Another vital issue to consider in light of your marital history is any risk of domestic violence upon confrontation. If physical risks or retaliation of any kind are present, and especially if history in the relationship confirms this, you must seek counsel before any direct confrontation. Only do so in a location and overall manner that does not place you in danger. If this is part of your marital dynamic, do not proceed with confrontation until you have full outside support and safety measures in place. Holding this conversation with the awareness of another person, and potentially in a public and visible location, can be key. It is emphatically important that you heed this directive. Listen to your instincts and wise counsel, and do not dismiss any clear risks or even nagging concerns you hold about your physical safety.
Next, we’ll look at whether your husband’s response when you confront him reflects worldly or godly sorrow.
Day 5
Scripture: 2 Corinthians 7:10
Learn to Discern Worldly or Godly Sorrow
When you confront your husband and he notices that you are now confident and have a calm and self-respecting determination he hasn’t seen before, he may initially show sorrow over his hurtful behavior. There is a difference between worldly sorrow and godly sorrow.
Worldly sorrow is primarily self-centered and exclusively consequence-driven. If your husband has shed tears or displayed grief simply because he was caught in the act, or because his own sin has caused him pain, that’s worldly sorrow. Indications of worldly sorrow include the following behaviors:
· He fails to back up his words with specific, decisive, and visible actions – along with empathy.
· He promises to take part in counseling but backs out at the last minute, or he starts therapy but drops out, covering his retreat with all kinds of empty excuses, such as “We can’t afford it,” “I know more than that counselor knows,” or “I don’t have time right now.”
· He makes all the right gestures but continues headlong in leading a secret life riddled with sexual sins or affairs.
· He reverts to the same old deceptions the moment he’s told that he’s forgiven, and his remorse evaporates.
If you see these signs, you can be fairly sure you’re dealing with worldly sorrow, not genuine or lasting remorse, because your husband shows no empathy for another person’s pain and isn’t sorry enough to make a serious investment in changing.
Godly sorrow often produces positive results as soon as your husband’s behavior is revealed. You may be blessed with a husband who chose to tell you immediately when he realized he had a pornography or sexual addiction. Or perhaps as soon as his sexual compulsions were exposed, he told you the entire truth without holding back any secrets. Some husbands are truly repentant; they’re remorseful with godly sorrow, eager to mend their ways, and ready to cooperate and seek treatment. If that describes the man in your life, your road to recovery won’t be nearly so rough.
Next, we’ll look at your list of non-negotiables.
Day 6
Scripture: Romans 14:12
Create a List of Non-negotiables
The following three non-negotiable, bottom-line measures will help you clarify exactly what you’re requiring your husband to do if he wants to show that he’s truly repentant and serious about getting the help he needs to stop his damaging behavior.
1. He must implement immediate boundaries to prevent easy access to pornography. Your husband needs to demonstrate initiative in distancing himself from his sources of temptation. Following are some examples:
· Downgrading or giving up his smartphone
· Using his laptop computer only in common areas
· Installing filters and/or accountability software
· Closing social media accounts, sharing passwords and changing phone numbers
· Cutting off sinful or risky relationships by engaging in accountable, observable communication that ends the entanglement or affair
2. He must share his struggle with other men who will hold him accountable. Fighting this battle alone is not an option.
· Although your husband might not know where to turn at first, he must identify two or three safe and trusted men (your pastor, wise friends, caring siblings) who agree to meet with him on a regular basis for accountability and support.
· He must reveal his problem to them, as well as the process he’s undertaking at this stage.
· He must give you access to these individuals so you can verify that he’s taken this step and is having regular conversations with them in the days and weeks ahead.
3. He must seek out and begin specialized counseling. It’s minimizing, prideful, and unwise for your husband to insist on dealing with complex sexual issues through self-help alone. Habitual pornography use and sexual sin have underlying roots and causes that can’t be solved by simply trying harder and promising to stop. Seeking out and participating in specialized, Christ-centered professional counseling is essential for individuals and couples who are struggling with the damaging effects of pornography use and sexual sin.
While you should also become familiar with the various routes into counseling, your husband should be responsible for gathering the information needed to set up initial conversations as well as phone and office appointments. In the end, both of you should take part in this process. It’s also ideal if both of you have individual as well as marital support.
Next up, “A Man’s Invitation to Recovery.”
Day 7
Scripture: Hebrews 13:4
A Man’s Invitation to Recovery
If your husband fully and willingly undertakes these actions, there is a great reason to hope that it will lead to positive change for your hurting marriage. Be ready to share the following message with your husband. It’s written by Geremy Keeton, a highly qualified therapist at Focus on the Family who has counseled many men and couples who have struggled with issues similar to the ones you and your husband now face:
“As much as this devotional is for women, I want you to know that it’s not aimed at bashing or shaming you, but it does forthrightly explain what it takes to restore a marriage. You have an opportunity to step up and be the man you were created to be.
“Because I’ve come alongside husbands who’ve progressed through recovery and now enjoy the fruits of a transformed life and marriage, I can attest to the fact that it’s both hard work and worth it. There are few things more beautiful than a redeemed couple! Although this is likely the furthest thing from your view right now, you can have joy and freedom – for yourself and your marriage. Do you want that? It’s your turn to show it.
“Similarly, it’s your wife’s turn to face her own recovery and growth in a healthy way. She must respond to her pain in a self-respecting and measured manner. In large part, your actions over time determine how she can proceed and what she’ll decide about the marriage.
“I’m urging you to recover not only for her sake but also for yours. Your most prized possession as a man is your integrity. You can regain this. To do so, you must learn to act with sincere self-motivation and pursue personal integrity and wholeness.
“Come what may for your marriage, the path of personal health and integrity is always best. No one owns your integrity and walk with God but you. If you hope to live your life with your spouse, then embracing a strong self-motivation and internally driven hunger for healing is the most likely way to accomplish that.”