What Is Christian Marriage?

Scripture: Genesis 2:18-25

The Beginning of Marriage

The Bible has much to say about marriage and married life. Given the importance of marriage to human society and the confusion regarding marriage in our own day, it is vital that we understand what the Bible as a whole says about matrimony.

The key for understanding marriage is understanding it in the original framework wherein it was given. Marriage is not some late addition to human culture; rather, we find it at the very beginning of history. Today’s passage, Genesis 2:18-25, describes the creation of Eve and the ensuing institution of marriage. Importantly, the Lord created marriage before He entered into a covenant to save His people. Consequently, marriage does not come to us as a unique part of the Lord’s saving relationship with men and women. Instead, marriage exists as a gift to all people. It was ordained in creation before the fall, and so it is essential for healthy human societies as long as the present order endures. A marriage does not have to be conducted in a church or under the watch of a priest or minister to be valid. It requires only the joining of the appropriate partners in the context of public covenantal declaration. Marriages presided over by non-Christian clergy or even secular officials are therefore valid.

As noted, marriage requires the joining of appropriate partners. Both Genesis 1:26–27 and 2:18–25 show that the appropriate partners in a marriage are one man and one woman. God created man male and female in His image, sexual complements who together fulfill the mandate to be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth (1:28). Any so-called marriage that does not consist of the joining of the two different but complementary sexes is therefore not a valid marriage. This should go without saying, but there is strong cultural pressure to accept other partnerships as valid marriages. Such partnerships are not and cannot be valid marriages in the eyes of God.

God, as a relational being Himself—three persons in one essence—created His image bearers for relationship. Marriage is one of the key relationships in which our relational nature is expressed.

CORAM DEO Living before the face of God

Many of the problems confronting marriage in our day are related to a poor understanding of the origin of marriage. As a relationship divinely instituted in creation, marriage is nothing to take lightly or to redefine as we please. Christians must be courageous witnesses to this, refusing to bow the knee to cultural redefinitions of marriage.

Scripture: Proverbs 19:20

Conflict and Communication

Few people would likely disagree with the notion that marriage has fallen on hard times. Although exact figures are hard to come by, an article in Time magazine in 2018 reports that first marriages have about a 40 percent chance of ending in divorce. The odds are even greater for subsequent marriages. Moreover, almost all of us know of at least one marriage that has ended in divorce. No-fault divorce laws and a decline in social institutions that support married life contribute to the epidemic of divorce in our day.

Seeing the phenomenon of divorce, many couples are reluctant to get married. They fear that they will come to a point where they will not be able to settle conflicts or communicate well, and that they will then end their marriage. Such fears, of course, are not entirely invalid.

Because a husband and a wife are both sinners, conflict inevitably arises in every marriage. Much of this conflict occurs because of the differences between the two in how they subjectively value things. What we are talking about here are differences of opinions over things that in themselves are indifferent. A wife may highly value a new car and think they should spend their extra money on it. Her husband might value a vacation more and believe that their extra funds should pay for it. An argument may then ensue. Neither the car nor the vacation is inherently good or bad, and neither is inherently more valuable than the other. But the argument arises because the spouses cannot agree on how the car or vacation should be valued. The problem is not so much the money but the lack of empathy. The husband cannot put himself in his wife’s shoes and see why she wants the car and the wife cannot put herself in her husband’s shoes and see why he values the vacation.

Solving such conflicts requires good communication so that we can start to understand the perspective of the other. Moreover, good communication cannot take place without careful listening. To really understand other people in any setting, we have to listen to what they say and try not to ascribe things to them that they did not say. But this is particularly important in marriage because of the intimacy of the relationship. Scripture, therefore, contains multiple admonitions to listen and to be slow to speak, including Proverbs 19:20. Careful listening is the only way to good communication and the wisdom needed to navigate conflicts in marriage.

CORAM DEO Living before the face of God

Good communication in every area of life requires good listening. Wise is the person who is slow to speak but takes time to hear the other person out. This is particularly true in marriage. Many conflicts could be solved or avoided if husbands and wives would take the time to listen to each other carefully.

Scripture: Ephesians 5:22-33

Two People, Two Roles

God’s Word frequently addresses marriage, showing us what it looks like to honor the Lord in the husband-wife relationship. Faithfulness to Christ as married people requires that we heed this direction. Some of the most specific instruction is found in the New Testament’s teaching on the roles of husband and wife, and in our day, this instruction is often controversial.

One common mistake that people make is thinking that the Scriptures do not outline specific and distinct roles for husbands and wives. Here we frequently see people appeal to Galatians 3:28, which says, “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” Especially in more theologically liberal circles, people will cite this verse as if it eliminates all distinctions between people in the church and opens up church leadership to both men and women. However, reading the text in this way violates other texts such as Ephesians 5:22–33, where Paul clearly teaches an ongoing distinction between the roles and duties of men and women, and 1 Timothy 3:1–13, which says that only men may be ordained to the office of elder. Paul cannot be eliminating all gender distinctions in Galatians 3:28. His point is that in Jesus, no believer has an advantage before God over another believer. We are all co-heirs in Christ and recipients of the same inheritance.

Today’s passage outlines the basic roles for husband and wife in the marriage relationship. Ephesians 5:22–33 tells us that wives are to submit to their husbands as to the Lord and that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church. With respect to the wife, the qualifier “as to the Lord” is important because it indicates that there is a limit to submission. A wife is not called to submit to her husband if he asks her to sin. At the same time, the qualifier indicates that when the wife submits to her husband, she is to do so with an eye toward submitting to Christ. In following her husband, the wife is actually following God’s command and thus following the Savior.

For the husband, “as Christ loved the church” is the key qualifier. Husbands are not to be domineering or to use their position of authority to abuse their wives and get their way all the time. Jesus does not treat His body the church in that manner, and husbands who do that are sinning gravely against their wives and against Christ.

CORAM DEO Living before the face of God

In marriage, husbands are apt to focus on how their wives are not submitting to them, and wives are apt to emphasize how their husbands are failing in their love for them. While such things should not be ignored entirely, we must focus on what we can control and seek to fulfill the specific instructions that apply to us. Husbands must love their wives and wives must submit to their husbands.

Scripture: 1 Corinthians 7:3-5

Conjugal Rights in Marriage

God’s Word does not frown on the sexual union of man and woman or view it as a necessary evil merely for the sake of procreation. Instead, Scripture tells us that sex is good and even holy when it takes place in the proper context, the one-flesh relationship of husband and wife. Clearly, we are to infer as much from the account of marriage’s institution in Genesis 2:18–25. Today’s passage also affirms the goodness of the sexual relationship between spouses.

Paul’s teaching on sex within marriage is extraordinary. He says that husband and wife should give one another their conjugal rights (1 Cor. 7:3). Each has a right to enjoy sex and each has an obligation to help the other enjoy sex as well. Both spouses should receive joy and pleasure in a healthy sexual relationship. Husbands and wives should view the marriage bed in such a way that each spouse both gives and receives in the sexual union.

First Corinthians 7:4 grounds this giving in a proper view of one’s body. Because husband and wife become one flesh in marriage, the husband surrenders the rights over his body to his wife and the wife surrenders the rights over her body to her husband. Each has authority over the other’s body (v. 4). Note, however, that Paul does not mean an absolute authority or an absolute surrender. Remember that he is writing to believers who have accepted the false view that sexual relations are inherently and always bad or at least questionable. He is not giving a spouse authority to demand sexual acts that are sinful, painful, or demeaning or saying that a spouse has an obligation to give in to such demands. Paul’s point is that when spouses abstain from sex for illegitimate reasons, they are stealing from one another because their bodies belong to one another.

Paul gives one legitimate reason for spouses to abstain—temporarily—from sexual activity: for a special season of prayer (v. 5). Again, because of the context, we cannot view this as the only legitimate reason for spouses to abstain temporarily from sexual relations. Using biblical wisdom, we recognize that there are other times—such as during illness—that married couples should abstain. The principle is that a husband and wife should treat the other’s body just as each would want to be treated (Matt. 22:39; Eph. 5:28–30), which precludes having sex if it would bring harm. Paul’s overall message is for spouses not to abstain from sex unless there is a legitimate reason.

CORAM DEO Living before the face of God

John Calvin comments, “It is . . . wisdom [for husbands] to have intercourse with their wives when it is seasonable, and to refrain from that intercourse when they are called to be engaged otherwise.” Navigating issues of sexual intimacy in one’s marriage takes wisdom, respect, and love. Each spouse must seek to serve the other and never to pursue sexual relations outside of the marriage relationship.

Scripture: 1 Samuel 1:19-20

Knowing Each Other

Scripture calls for husbands and wives to be physically, emotionally, and spiritually intimate with one another. It is God’s will that husband and wife become one flesh (Gen. 2:24), and the two cannot become one without true intimacy.

The Bible speaks of this call for intimacy in many ways. For instance, it is interesting that the Bible in many places, such as today’s passage, uses the verb “to know” when it speaks of the physical relationship between husband and wife. We must note that the Bible does not use this verb because it is ashamed of sexual intimacy. After all, entire portions of Scripture (for example, the Song of Solomon) are dedicated to this aspect of the marital relationship. Rather, the Bible uses this verb to indicate that the intimacy that glorifies God is more than just a physical act; it involves knowledge of one’s spouse in ways that go beyond the physical.

For God-glorifying intimacy to exist, we must know our spouses on all levels. But in order for this knowledge to come, we must be willing to spend the time getting to know one another. We are willing to spend much time studying for a career or investigating certain topics that interest us. We cannot learn about such things merely by osmosis. And if we must work hard to know about such things, how much more must we work to know our spouses as we should?

We all know this to be true when we are dating. We spend a lot of time and energy trying to get to know the person whom we are dating. Slowly we let down our guard in order that the other person will truly get to know us. Regrettably, too many people stop doing this once they are married. But this is not how things should be; spouses must continue learning about one another for the rest of their lives.

This means that we must be willing to share our needs with our spouses. Of course, we must make sure that our needs are not inauthentic. Nevertheless, God has provided marriage as a way to meet many of our authentic needs and desires, and we must share them with our spouses and work to meet their needs, as far as we are able.

CORAM DEO Living before the face of God

When we do not share our deepest longings with our spouses or, as we are able, serve our spouses by meeting their needs, we make it tempting to meet these needs outside of marriage. We must be willing to be vulnerable with each other and respect the needs of our spouses even if they are needs we do not fully understand. If you are married, spend some time today discussing your needs with your spouse. If not, pray that God would provide a way for your needs to be met.

Scripture: Song of Songs 4:1-7

Building Relationship

The Song of Solomon remains one of the most neglected books in all the Bible, which is unfortunate because few other portions of Scripture have as much to say about the glories of a godly marital relationship as this piece of wisdom literature. The Song of Solomon tells us many things, including the goodness of the physical relationship between husband and wife and the need to express our love and admiration to our spouses verbally.

Throughout this poem, today’s passage included, we find many instances where Solomon and his wife praise each other. These examples, as well as many other biblical passages, remind us of the importance and power of the words we speak to one another. If the tongue can tear down another person (James 3:9), how much more can we use it to build up our spouses with our spoken words?

The words that we speak have a powerful impact on the trust and intimacy that we are able to achieve with our spouses. Kind and trustworthy words are essential if we are to develop the type of intimacy that glorifies God. Unfortunately, we too often pay little attention to what we say. Thoughtless words can instantly damage a relationship that takes years to build. What we say to our spouses today can continue to do damage years from now.

However, God has not called Christians to use our tongues to tear one another down but to build up one another (1 Thess. 5:11). Since this is necessary within the context of the wider Christian community, it is even more necessary within our marriages.

We can build our spouses up by giving them compliments when they are due. This does not mean we necessarily tell them that they are very good at something when they are not; such compliments will not be trusted. It does mean, however, that we eagerly and frequently let our spouses know how much we admire and appreciate them. When we do this, we fulfill the command to build up our spouses and can further the intimacy that glorifies God.

CORAM DEO Living before the face of God

The importance of paying compliments to our spouses is not to say that there is no place at all for constructive criticism. However, all too often the comments we think that we are offering in love are in reality offered for the purpose of destruction. When you are tempted to criticize your spouse, think carefully before you speak. Take some time today to think of one thing you especially appreciate or admire about your spouse. Go and let them know what it is.