Self Care After Discovering Infidelity in Your Marriage

Scripture: Jeremiah 17:17

Be Responsible for Yourself, Not Others

Like many wives, Anita was so focused on her husband’s infidelity that she totally neglected herself. She spent all of her energy either trying to win his affection or punish him for his behavior. Before she could start to take care of herself, she needed to believe a very important fact: Her husband’s behavior was not her fault. You also need to believe this fact: Your husband’s behavior is neither your fault nor yours to fix.

Many wives go to great lengths to change themselves in hopes of regaining their husband’s fidelity. They may alter their physical appearance, their spending habits, their domestic skills, or their performance in bed. Anita tried everything she could think of, but nothing worked. She didn’t realize that her thinking was based on the myth that she could change herself enough to restore her husband’s faithfulness to till death parted them.

You could be an absolutely terrible wife, and your husband could still decide to keep his marital vows. On the other hand, you could be Wonder Woman, and he might still betray you. His choices are his responsibility. Your responsibility is to be the woman God created you to be. And you need to realize that God didn’t create you to take care of your husband and everyone else but neglect yourself to the destruction of your own well-being. You are the daughter of the King, the beloved of your Father, the redeemed of the Lord.

You won’t feel any of those truths if you’re stumbling along regretting or being preoccupied with your passive or aggressive reactions. That’s what Anita was struggling with. But eventually, she realized that her reactions of passivity or aggression weren’t helping her at all. Exhausted and confused, she yearned for some stability.

In the devotions ahead, we’ll discuss how to take good care of yourself emotionally, physically, and spiritually. 

Scripture: 1 Corinthians 11:1

Keep it Between the Ditches

Ahead of you lies a road that represents the path of a healthy woman walking with the Lord along a difficult part of life’s journey. As long as you stay toward the center of this road, you remain stable. But caution and vigilance are necessary because deep ditches border both sides of the road.

On one side is the ditch of passivity. If you fall into that ditch, you live each day trying to keep the peace and not rock the boat. Above all, you are determined not to upset your husband. As a result, you’re reticent to confront his destructive actions and attitudes and are seldom willing to stand up for yourself. You are likely insecure and, perhaps, depressed. During a crisis, you revert to a sense of helplessness. You may be a highly competent and confident woman in other areas of your life but still feel powerless in your marriage. Passivity communicates, “You win. I lose.”

On the other side of the road is the ditch of aggression. Here, you become angry and defiant. You assume your marriage can never be saved. You get tough and do whatever it takes to survive. You strive to protect yourself and to hurt your husband as much as he has hurt you. Aggression communicates, “I win. You lose.”

Between the ditches is a level road called “assertion.” This road is paved with biblical principles that offer hope and healing for you, your husband, and your marriage. As you walk on this road, God will lead you to seek mutual cooperation and partnership. Godly assertion communicates, “I win. You win.”

People are often confused about the definition of “assertiveness.” The church sometimes promotes a view of submissiveness that is really passivity in disguise. Assertiveness means asking for what you want in a manner that respects others. It is a willingness to speak the truth in love, with confrontation if necessary, as Ephesians 4:15 explains: “Speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ.”

Both you and your husband have the greatest opportunity to interact with God and to heal your relationship when you choose this path.

Next, we’ll look at how to practice self-care. 

Scripture: 1 Corinthians 16:19-20

Practice Self-Care

Women usually underestimate the benefits of self-care, especially when they’re overwhelmed as they try to hold their families together. But taking care of yourself is necessary for you to move forward. Only on this stable foundation will you be able to start building a healthier future.

There are many ways to take care of yourself, from something as simple as taking a walk to something that requires more planning, such as taking a trip. In addition to engaging in activities you enjoy, let’s talk about seven steps to self-care.

The first is to develop a support group. Self-care and receiving care from others may seem like opposites, but they are actually two sides of the same neglected coin. All of Scripture is about relationship: your relationship with God and your relationships with other people.

You desperately need safe and trusted prayer partners of the same sex to help you through this difficult time. Because you’re extremely vulnerable right now, it’s important to avoid leaning on someone of the opposite sex or anyone to whom you might be romantically or physically attracted. Ask for God’s help in deciding whom you should trust with your personal and marital information and your feelings.

Many wounded women either tell no one, or they tell anyone who will listen, which only adds to their problems. The depth of friendships varies greatly. You may have friends you enjoy being with, but you wouldn’t share personal problems with them. Seek out a handful of friends that you can trust with important issues in your life, including the most painful ones – friends who will be there for you at any time, listening attentively, and responding with sympathy and wisdom. When you’re too weak to keep walking, this small group of sisters in Christ will come alongside you to support you. They can be trusted with your confidences and will pray for you without ceasing. Talk to them regularly. Let them know what you’re going through and lean on their support. If you don’t have any deep relationships like this, connect with a mature Christian woman who is willing to walk through this with you.

Next, we’ll look at step two to self-care: perseverance. 

Scripture: 2 Thessalonians 3:13

Determine to Persevere

Perseverance is defined as the determination to persist in the face of obstacles or discouragement.

You are in a race you didn’t expect, and joy seems elusive right now. But here you are. You are at the starting line, in the lane marked “Woman of God.” The finish line is far ahead of you, beyond several turns that will challenge your endurance. Healing and restoration await you at the finish line.

“But wait,” you say. “I’m running a totally different race now than when my husband and I got married. How do I run this race?”

A still, small voice slips into your mind and whispers, “The same way you ran the other one: by relying on My strength.”

You will live to run again. Yes, you have suffered a severe injury that needs time to heal. You’ll have to work hard to rehabilitate and get back in shape to run well again. There will be more pain that will make you want to quit this race. But you are not a quitter! The joy set before you will help you stay in this race, and that same joy will transform your life. No matter what happens after you cross the finish line – marriage restored or not restored – you will be whole. If you walk away now, you have little hope that you or your marriage will be restored. But if you stay in this race, you have great hope for success.

Your goal is to “run with perseverance the race marked out for [you]” (Hebrews 12:1). You do this by committing to keep going even when the going feels intolerable. Determine to go all the way to the finish line, staying in the lane that leads to restoration. Once you’ve determined to persevere, you can stop questioning whether to keep running this race or quit.

To “keep running” means to keep on reading and engaging with this devotional, following the advice that’s offered along the way, and trusting the One running next to you to the finish line.

This is self-respect, godly determination, and self-care at their best. You can do this!

Next, we’ll look at step three to self-care: acting on your prayers. 

Scripture: James 2:26

Pray and Act

Praying is an essential part of our Christian lives. Sometimes we are to wait on God for an answer. But it’s easy to use prayerful waiting as an excuse not to face something we fear, such as setting a necessary boundary or taking a necessary action.

For example, some women refuse to set boundaries because they fear their husbands will react in anger and move out of the bedroom or the home. Their fear paralyzes them. The only action they took emotionally is walking on eggshells. And that’s no action at all.

Maybe you feel certain there’s some action you should take, but you’re afraid that if you do, it will only make matters worse. Talk with your support group and pray about what to do. Consider what’s changed since you found out about your husband’s behavior. If nothing has changed, or if your relationship has worsened, it’s time for action. Don’t make rash decisions. Instead, consider what you’ve learned so far about your situation and take the wisest course of action.

Next, we’ll look at step four to self-care: remembering the truth. 

Scripture: Ephesians 6:14

Intentionally Remember the Truth

Without remembering the truth, no problem can be solved.

Pornography is dangerously addictive and damaging – that’s the truth. But the urgency of this truth can easily become minimized if you’re repeatedly told that pornography isn’t a serious problem.

Your husband’s words are powerful and influential, and because of his own shame, fear, and need for the “companionship” of his addiction, he may want to prevent you from turning his pornography use into an issue. When he denies or dismisses his unfaithful behavior, he can plant doubts in your mind.

Tragically, you’ve experienced the results of your husband trying to believe that a lie is true – the lie that pornography is no real problem.

Here’s the truth: 

· Pornography and unfaithful actions or flirtations are damaging to your marriage.

· Your self-respecting actions can influence the direction of your marriage and may be the very thing that jumpstarts the healing journey.

· Marriages can be healed.

We help ourselves remember any number of other truths. We write down times and dates of important meetings. We put notes on the refrigerator door and on desk lamps. We copy meaningful verses and phrases and display them where we can look at them for encouragement. Why not do some of those things to help you remember encouraging truths as you practice self-care during this difficult time?

One way to keep truthful thoughts in your mind is to make use of your journal. Write down helpful and encouraging statements so you can refer to them when doubts overtake you. Review those statements regularly. Repeat them to yourself when your husband or other people make comments to the contrary.

Set an alarm on your cell phone to go off every few hours as a reminder to silently repeat these truths as you go about your daily business.

Write the word truth on a sticky note and tape it to the bathroom mirror. That one word is all the prompting you need to remember that pornography is damaging your marriage.

Think of simple ways to help you intentionally remember the truth. Truth is the most important weapon in your arsenal. Ephesians 6:14 (NIV) says: “Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist.”

Next, we’ll look at step five to self-care: exit the merry-go-round. 

Scripture: James 2:24

Exit the Merry-Go-Around

You’ve already been through a lot of discussions with your husband where you hear yourself repeating the same phrases, reminders, and warnings over and over. You’ve hopped on a merry-go-round that goes nowhere. There is no resolution.

You and your husband are caught in a pattern that has both of you spinning in circles. The process of ending that fruitless pattern can begin with you.

Step off that merry-go-round and don’t hop back on. Your husband may resist your attempts to alter course, but you don’t have to give up in defeat. Instead of repeating the same dizzying patterns, briefly speak to your husband in a way that might sound something like this:

“I know the last time I chose to say something about my desire for us to get counseling, it turned out to be an unpleasant conversation. I’m not seeking to repeat that. But I do owe it to you and myself to be fully truthful and authentic about the fact that I’m still uncomfortable and concerned about harmful patterns to our marriage. I also think it’s right for me to feel this kind of concern. So, I’m making a clear request for you to join me in a counseling appointment I’ve set up. I made this appointment to begin to learn how to work through our relationship.

“Whether you take part or not, however, is fully up to you, and I recognize that. I want to learn how to face these issues differently and create change, preferably with you alongside me. Either way, I’m committed to talking with someone who can offer support and insight, because I desperately want and need it, and I think our marriage does too.

“This is my plan, and I want you to join me. The appointment is already set, and I wanted you to know about my decision. I also want to give you the chance to make your own decision. I love you, I love me, and I value our marriage enough to act.”

You’ll notice the I-based language in this example. This approach in sharing your own plan and request will help you keep from hopping on the same spinning merry-go-round.

Next, we’ll look at step six to self-care: stop clinging. 

Scripture: Matthew 21:22

Stop clinging. 

“She’s a clinging vine” is an uncomfortable and perhaps even offensive phrase used to describe a wife who has trouble standing on her own two feet. However you feel about it, it’s not a positive image.

A clinging wife is a bit like a toddler clutching a security blanket. Just as the toddler needs the blanket, so the wife can’t function without her husband. At least that’s how she feels about it. She needs him to be near her and assure her that he won’t leave her alone. She needs to stay married to him no matter what. He is her sole security blanket. Clinging is a psychological response based on fear. That fear may be connected to anxiety about doing what is perceived to be “right.” Women cling because they’re afraid that it isn’t right to nag, confront, or challenge their husbands. They believe that a good Christian wife never puts her own needs first, and she certainly doesn’t contemplate separation or divorce. Fear of financial insolvency can also drive women to cling to the false security of a marriage at all costs. But there’s no amount of money that can recompense you for the anguish you’re enduring right now. It’s important here not to leap to the conclusion that if you give up clinging, it will automatically lead to divorce. In fact, just the opposite is true. Clinging plays a role in allowing the problem of your husband’s pornography to stay the same and eat away at you and contributes to the deterioration of your marriage. In psychological terms, it’s a form of enablement.

Conversely, confronting your husband, speaking the truth in love, and precipitating some kind of crisis can provide just the impetus that’s needed to turn things around. In short, the skill you need to develop is self-respect. You are a beloved daughter of God. Your security is grounded in what God says, not what your husband, your culture, your own thoughts, or your childhood memories keep telling you. So make it your aim to respond to your husband as an adult partner—not a clinging vine but a mature woman – committed to improving your marriage in new ways.

Next, we’ll look at step seven to self-care: balance. 

Scripture: Philippians 4:19

Balance Self-Care Steps with Care for Your Husband

The steps we’ve discussed are all about working on yourself: reordering your own thinking and changing your own behavior so you can become the woman God wants you to be. But God also wants you to love and care for your husband. Just like Christ modeled grace and truth to those in sexual sin, your compassion coupled with real boundaries and accountability for your husband can go hand in hand.

Be careful not to misunderstand. We don’t want you to equate “care” with old, unhealthy ways of relating that are demeaning to you. Caring means balancing your hurt and disappointment with an understanding that God also loves your husband and that he is potentially able to change with effective help.

The best thing you can do for him at this point is to allow him to see you walk with a healthy self-respect as you also pray for him with godly compassion.