The delusion of porn kills the very thing you were created for: intimacy with a woman. It’s all too common for us to settle for cheap counterfeits like pornography. In just five short days we walk through some practical ways to fight for joy and experience long-term satisfaction with your wife and God.
UNCOMMEN
Day 1
Science Caught up to God’s Truth
Scripture: 1 Corinthians 6:18-20; John 8:32-34
The idea that porn, like heroin, cocaine, or tobacco, may give you temporary pleasure, but it robs you of long term health, satisfaction, and joy.
And science is finally backing up that claim.
If I see someone smoking a cigarette, I’ll ask my kids, “Hey, want to go light up? Just one smoke?”
My middle schooler scoffs and says, “Why would I want to puff a cancer stick?” I don’t think I’ve had two conversations with them about the dangers of tobacco, but back in the 80’s our culture made a dramatic shift. They knocked the Marlboro Man off his horse, and smokers faded to the fringes.
People who smoke aren’t stupid. They don’t exclaim, “I never knew smoking could paint my teeth yellow, blacken my lungs, and coat my throat with cancer. Why didn’t anyone tell me?!”
Schools start early with anti-smoking TRUTH campaigns. Billboards prophesy death. Commercials scare with Hollywood horror efficiency.
Smokers know the facts – but facts alone won’t change a heart. Those who puff believe the short-term pleasure is worth more than the long-term side effects.
Which is exactly what I believe every time I choose to puff up my pride to impress important people, or buy the latest shiny gadget I can’t afford, or go out of my way to look longingly at a woman other than my wife.
As a good friend of mine says, “I’m not stupid, I’m just stubborn.” Every time we chase “fleeting pleasures,” (Hebrews 11:25) we say to the Psalmist crying out that God doesn’t withhold any good thing (Ps. 84:11): “God may be real, but he cannot satisfy me as much as (insert sin).”
Twenty years from now, I believe our kids and grandkids will look at us like we look at three-pack-a-day smokers — they will wonder why we consumed pornography at such an alarming rate. The facts are indisputable. Porn is just as addictive as heroin and cocaine. It spikes dopamine levels with the same ferocity as any narcotic.
While it promises sexual virility and freedom, it delivers sexual chains and frustration. Doctors are prescribing viagra to guys in their 20’s with a history of porn use because they’ve trained their brain to be satisfied by pixels more than people. On top of all that, it’s helping to fuel the largest slavery movement in history.
But facts alone won’t change a heart. For the vast majority of us, we don’t suffer from temporary amnesia when we look at porn. We go into every session with full knowledge this will damage my relationship with my God, my body (1 Cor. 6:18), and if I’m married or dating, my significant other. We look because we want to. We believe those fleeting pixels will satisfy us, curb our loneliness, or be a soothing balm for our insecurities far more than God can.
I don’t pretend to think there’s an easy answer to fighting porn. At least with smoking or drugs we’ve made a societal decision to create legal, economic, and social barriers to getting hooked. Thanks to the internet, we’ve removed all obstacles to porn. This may be the first vice in history that is instantly accessible, affordable, and culturally acceptable to everyone as long as you have a decent connection.
Jesus said in John 8:32, “The truth will set you free.” But let’s not confuse truth with facts. Facts, as John Adams said, “are stubborn things.” They may change your perception about porn, but facts alone can’t change a stubborn heart. Two verses later Jesus said, “Truly, truly I say to you, everyone who commits sin is a slave to sin…if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.”
Porn, like any sin, slowly enslaves us when we believe our secret glances will satisfy us more than Jesus. Jesus invites us to change. Will we take him up on that offer?
Day 2
You Were Created for More
Scripture: Matthew 5:27-30; Proverbs 6:25-32
Maybe I’m the only one who thinks this is funny, but every time I read Jesus’ words about lust in the Sermon on the Mount, I think about pirates.
After all, the only people I know with one eye and one hand are pirates. I’m guessing Jesus isn’t being overly literal here because, to my knowledge, pirates were not known for their chastity.
Instead, I wonder if he’s saying it’s far better to go to extreme measures, including physical pain, if it meant protecting yourself from fleeting pleasures and counterfeit love. Over and over again in Proverbs, Solomon, who when it came to women made pirates look like they all wore purity rings, warned his son, “Do not desire her beauty in your heart, and do not let her capture you with her eyelashes.” (6:25) While he was specifically talking about an adulterous woman, from Jesus’ interpretation, we could apply this to any image or person outside a spouse.
Solomon continued, “Can a man carry fire next to his chest and his clothes not be burned? Or can one walk on hot coals and his feet not be scorched? He who commits adultery lacks sense; he who does it destroys himself.” (6:27-28, 32)
Jesus calls us to purity not because he’s the fun police, but because he’s fighting for our joy. He created sex. He knows best how it’s to be enjoyed. When we train our bodies and brains to be satisfied by pixels rather than people, we miss out on the intimacy he longs for us to experience. Sex, porn, and flames burning outside of a covenant marriage may be fun for a season, but eventually it will torch lasting joy.
In a word, pornography has the propensity to transform men and women into pirates – pillagers of others to fulfill my sexual needs, wants, and fantasies. Such piracy only leads to a life of never-ending craving rather than lifelong satisfaction
God designed us as human beings for intimacy and not just the biological act of sex. Intimacy requires me to think about another’s needs, wants, and desires. When I die to self, I find life, happiness, and long-lasting satisfaction.
Do you need to take some extreme measures to protect God’s gift of intimacy? Maybe you need to confess a secret addiction, purge a browser off your devices, or get into a regular group where there’s strict accountability. It’s worth it. When it comes to true sexual satisfaction, the pirate’s life is not for you. You were made for more.
Day 3
Everyone has a Plan…
Scripture: Philippians 4:11-13; Colossians 1:28-29
“…until they get punched in the mouth,” said former heavyweight boxing champ Mike Tyson, when asked if he was worried about his opponent’s plans to defeat him in the ring.
Plans are helpful, but they can’t land a punch.
The French had a plan to stop the Germans’ Blitzkrieg by constructing the “impenetrable” Maginot Line across the Ardennes Forest. The Nazi tanks just went around it.
I had a plan not to eat any carbs or sugars for 30 days. Then someone surprised me with chocolate chip scones.
We live in a highly sexualized culture where images, scenes, and yoga pants walk in unannounced and unexpectedly. We push ourselves to the limits with work or travel, and an unplanned bout of loneliness or anger leaves us vulnerable to a left cross.
And even if you put all the latest porn blockers on your devices, we’re not stupid. When we want to buy the lie that this, like any sin, satisfies more than God, we’ll find a way to get our fix.
The enemy knows our plans. And he knows how to knock us off balance. The Apostle Peter said he prowls about like a hungry lion. Lions rarely feed on the strong, quick, or agile animals. They lie in wait for the lame, vulnerable, and weak.
When Adam stood toe to toe with the serpent, whatever plans he may have had fell flat. We don’t know all that transpired, but one thing is clear — Adam never invited God into the ring. Maybe he thought he could handle it. Maybe he just kept wondering, “Just one bite is all it would be.”
There’s only one person who faced the serpent and came out with gloves held high. The sad truth is, I rarely bring him into the ring when I fight porn.
Ever had these thoughts when an image, opportunity, or thought sucker punches you, “I really shouldn’t look at this…I need to look away…I can’t believe I’m doing this again…”?
Notice the pronoun: “I.”
We can have all the best plans, porn blockers, and accountability partners, but the enemy has a way of landing a punch when we least expect it. We make the mistake of trying to go toe to toe with a cagey opponent.
Where is Jesus in your fight against porn? Do you ever invite him into the ring? I know it sounds too easy. But have you tried replacing “I” with Jesus?
“Jesus, give me the strength to look away…Jesus, help me believe you satisfy…Jesus, thanks for loving me and forgiving me even if I fail right now.”
There’s something about that name. Alcoholics Anonymous makes a claim, “The power of addiction is secrecy.” There’s power when we bring our fight to Him. Paul said, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” He says, in Colossians, “For this I toil, struggling with all His energy that he powerfully works within me.” (1:29)
Day 4
The Job Principle
Scripture: Job 31:1; Genesis 39
How old were you when you first saw porn? I’ve asked that question to kids in high school, D1 football players, and men around the country. I have yet to hear someone say, “Man, I can’t remember.”
We remember the date, time, and circumstances.
There’s a reason why one of the oldest books in the Bible has a guy saying the line, “I have made a covenant with my eyes; how then could I gaze at a virgin?” (Job 31:1) God created sex. He created men to be visually stimulated. God created sex as “Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flames of the Lord.” (Song of Solomon 8:6)
For men, stimulating images are the first spark. The more fuel we put to that fire, the more it consumes us until we either extinguish the flames or it burns out naturally. For Job, he made a pact with his eyes – don’t feed the fire.
And let’s just be real, while pornography has been gracing mediums ever since we started drawing on caves and clay pots, I’d like to see Job make that statement in a world with HD phone screens and virtual reality. A hundred years ago, our great grandfathers spent most of the day walking behind the south end of a northbound ox. He never saw one billboard, one TV commercial, or one titillating YouTube link.
Nothing’s new under the sun. Lust has impacted every person throughout history, but cultural moves and technology have affected us in two significant ways:
The unlimited amount of images that bombard us without choice. I can’t tell companies not to put up certain billboards, or what commercials come on tv, or for women to cover up when wearing dental floss at the beach.
The unlimited access to images with total anonymity.
Henry Cloud has a book titled: Integrity: The Courage to Meet the Demands of Reality. We can’t change our cultural reality – all we can do is have the courage to make a pact with our eyes – don’t fuel the fire. Steve Arterburn called it the act of “bouncing the eyes.” You have the ability to train your eyes to linger or look away. What will you do today?
Day 5
Confess Your Thoughts
Scripture: Proverbs 18:1; James 5:16
Proverbs 20:5 says, “The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.”
In other words, we don’t always know why we do the very thing we hate doing – sometimes it takes a voice outside our heart to make sense of it. That’s why so many of us end up drowning in our own struggles – we rarely cry for help.
Maybe this is why God allows us to see so many of his heroes fall – to remind us how badly we need other men around us. It seems like most of them made decisions in isolation. David was alone when he saw Bathsheba, and he never confessed his thoughts to a friend.
Samson never had a peer, and therefore no one to question to pride. Judas led a secret life outside his band of brothers and bore his depression to the end of a rope.
Proverbs also says, “Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire, he breaks out against all sound judgment.” (18:1)
When I’m isolated, it’s far easier to do things I’d never do when I’m in the presence of others – whether it’s binge-watching a tv series or binging a bag of chips – if someone were sitting beside me, I’d probably make better judgment calls. I think this is why Jesus’ half-brother says, “Confess your sins one to another so that you might be healed.” He knew we make far better progress together rather than going solo.
And I find most of us confess way too late to help us tackle an issue like porn. We confess at the weekly accountability group or a few days after the “episode.” But if Jesus said we sin the moment our thoughts turn racy, it might make more sense to invite guys into our heads and not just after the deed is done.
Imagine if we’d give each other permission to call or text the moment we start taking that second glance or the mouse move towards the link. It’s common to confess our sins after the fact. To take on this giant, we may need more uncommon tactics. Confess your thoughts.