Scripture: 1 Peter 4:8

Loving Your Differences 

I was honestly a little surprised I had agreed to go out with a coworker. As I stood there staring at myself in the mirror, surrounded by a selection of rejected first-date outfits, I couldn’t help thinking how different Jimmy seemed from my previous boyfriends. Maybe he really is different . . .

Our chemistry was undeniable. I remember walking around the Baltimore harbor that evening, and it felt so natural that we would laugh or sing in public together. I kind of forgot anyone else was there. I’m someone who is typically more reserved, and his charisma and larger-than-life personality made me feel shielded, as though I didn’t have to carry the conversation or work to be charming. I could just be me and enjoy these new experiences, knowing he could navigate them while simultaneously making me feel special. 

We were, without doubt, from different worlds, but I loved that—it made him that much more interesting, and it made me that much more intentional in my questions. That night when he dropped me off, without even really thinking about it, I playfully poked him in the shoulder and said, “I love everything that is different about you.” I had no idea I was repeating the word spoken over him months earlier. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and asked, “What did you just say?” 

This wasn’t luck or a chance meeting at work—we were meant for each other. And we both knew it. 

The next day on the phone with Jimmy, I confessed that I had fallen in love with him in one day. 

It truly was a whirlwind romance. We were married within the year. I loved everything different about Jimmy, and he loved everything different about me. It was actually our differences that made us so compatible. He was strong where I wasn’t; where I was strong, he needed me. 

When Jimmy and I jumped headlong into marriage, life came at us fast. We moved into our beautiful home, built a church, and started a family. We were running so fast and leaning on each other so hard that instead of recognizing our differences, we started ignoring them. We pushed them aside as if we could compartmentalize them. 

In those early years, we allowed the adrenaline of running a church and raising kids to fuel us. But the more we focused on those roles, the more we neglected the roles of husband and wife, and the chemistry we’d felt in the beginning began to feel like friction—something we both resented but desperately wanted to fix. 

At first our differences drew us together like the heat of passion. Now, it just felt like we got burned by them. 

The question then becomes this: Is it possible to reconcile your differences? 

The answer, we believe, is yes. Today, our marriage is stronger than ever! And your relationship can be more than sparks and the starry-eyed romance of your dating years. You can learn how to love your spouse on a level that’s deeper and more intimate than circumstances or seasons dictate. In fact, the seasons of life can strengthen you if you learn how to navigate your differences. 

Respond

• Share the differences you and your spouse have identified. 
• How do these differences impact your relationship? 

Prayer

Lord, thank you for my spouse. We ask for wisdom to work through our differences. Help us to see the value in the unique way you created each of us!

Scripture: Ephesians 4:32

Complementing, Not Completing 

A few years ago, Ian Morgan Cron invited me to be a guest speaker on his Typologypodcast. Ian is a master teacher of the Enneagram, a personality test that helps us understand ourselves and one another. His show is full of interesting conversations about life and relationships, and he’s known for his challenging questions. 

I was fairly new to podcasting and a bit nervous, so as we were wrapping up, I was silently applauding myself for staying close to the mic and keeping my note cards in order. That’s when Ian looked at me through his thick-rimmed glasses and challenged my entire thesis. 

“Is it really helpful to view marriage through the lens of two equals one?” he asked. “Isn’t the point of the journey the differentiation?” 

He’s right . . . what’s the difference between codependency and two equals one? 

I had a brief moment of panic, and then it clicked. I might’ve been a rookie podcast guest with a thin line of sweat running down my spine, but I had the chance to make a very important distinction. 

It’s true that there is a codependent way to approach this equation for marriage, especially when one spouse tends to overpower the other. Two equals one could turn into one spouse running the entire show while the other lays down all the things that make them different and unique in an attempt to appease the other. But that’s not the true version of the equation. 

The true version of two equals one is an invitation to love everything different about your spouse. “Two equals one is two completely different, separate human beings with completely different giftings, talents, and wounds coming together as one,” I told him. 

I went on to explain that coming together means leveraging your differences. It’s not about enabling each other but empowering one another. Your differences don’t have to create resentment and separation; they can bring you together. That turned the whole conversation. 

A loving marriage isn’t about finding everything you need in another person. It actually means the opposite. It means you choose not to let your differences divide you. One of the most beautiful things about marriage is that it’s between two people who are different from each other. 

The question “Is my spouse everything I need them to be?” then becomes “How can I love everything that’s different about my spouse?” This may mean sacrificing some of your independence but not your individuality. It doesn’t mean we stop being who we are to cater to our spouse; when two equals one, you find out how to become more of who you are. And your spouse is the one encouraging you to be who you are. A loving marriage is two different individuals working as a team. The day we stopped letting our differences divide us, they began to bring us together again. 

Our marriage proves that the differences can make you stronger instead of dividing you— if you’re willing to do the work. Differences won’t reconcile themselves, but with some hard work, humility, and God’s formula of two equals one, all differences can be reconciled. 

Respond

• What are some of the differences between you and your spouse? 
• Do your differences make your relationship stronger? How? 

Prayer

Lord, I surrender my spouse to You. I ask that You teach us to be sensitive, encouraging, and loving as we work through differences. We want a marriage that reflects You!

Scripture: 1 Thessalonians 5:11

Cracking the Communication Code 

The inability to discuss our differences in communication will lead to dysfunction in our communication. 

However, there is work in deciphering a communication style, and usually a style is modeled after what a person has known or experienced. In my family, the communication style modeled was mostly that you don’t communicate—that your voice doesn’t need to be heard or your feelings expressed. In Jimmy’s family, feelings were felt, heard, and yelled—the style was loud in every sense of the word! This made deciphering our very different sources difficult. Whereas he would yell, I had a tendency to curl up in my closet and cry alone. Neither was necessarily helpful or constructive. Neither was getting us closer to cracking the code. So what do you do? 

In a word: listen. 

Let me ask you: Have you found yourself overwhelmed by the task of listening? Has it started to feel like a chore? Does it seem that the everyday, mundane topics are suddenly all you’re discussing with your spouse? Has boredom set in, and you can start comparing your conversations to what you see on TV or in movies? 

First off, the perfect marriage doesn’t exist. Hollywood may try to convince us that it does, but that is only because “happily ever after” sells much better than “they worked really hard.” Every marriage, no matter how healthy it is, is still between two humans—two imperfect people. Even when those two people are deeply in love, they are still going to get on each other’s nerves. Everyone has annoying habits and boring information that is necessary to communicate throughout the normal course of a week: We’re out of milk. The child has a doctor’s appointment on Tuesday. We need to change the AC filter. And so on. None of these things is a sparkling conversation, but if they are not communicated, it could lead to an issue later. 

Not only is mundane conversation sometimes necessary, but it can also give us clues to help us decipher our spouse’s code. The things that preoccupy us are often indicative of needs that weren’t met in our childhoods. 

Additionally, listening to the mundane is like making a deposit. When I ask Jimmy to clear the empty water glasses off his nightstand, and I find them in the sink later, I feel heard. It was a silly annoyance, a small request in relation to the big picture, but when someone you love cares about something simply because you care about it, it builds trust. It shows that they are on your side; not only are you heard, but your concerns, no matter how small, are valuable simply because they concern you. And that deposit doesn’t go unnoticed—trust accumulates and creates that safe place where your spouse can confide. The little things are a way to build toward the bigger things. 

I like to think of it as a house. Picture your marriage as a building, with a foundation, walls, and a roof. The structure may be incredibly well built, but no matter how good of a shape it’s in, it’s not perfect. Every building has cracks that require some upkeep. The same is true for marriage. Even the strongest, most compatible couples will get some cracks along the way. It’s not a matter of it; it’s a matter of when. 

Respond

• Describe a time when you and your spouse had difficulty communicating. 
• How did you each respond? What was the outcome? 

Prayer

God, thank You for my relationship with my spouse. Keep us sensitive to each other and the way we communicate. We want this relationship centered on You, seeking You in all things.

Scripture: Job 8:21

Stop Taking Yourself So Seriously 

About three years into our marriage, we were struggling. We had both left our corporate jobs in pursuit of full-time ministry, leading to a massive lifestyle change. As soon as we brought home our firstborn, it seemed we were always buying more food and diapers. In other words, we were broke. 

But we also knew we needed a few days away for the sake of our marriage. We had noticed some problems communicating, and admittedly, as soon as the baby was born, my attention shifted drastically. Motherhood consumed me; I spent all my time thinking about and catering to our child, and our marriage took a back seat. 

I knew this frustrated Jimmy because he would make jokes about it. If we had friends over to give him an audience, he would say things like, “What do I need to do around here to get some attention? Put a diaper on?” That always got a laugh out of our company, but deep down, it ate at me. It made me feel as though I wasn’t enough. As if I was torn between being either a good mother or a good wife—I couldn’t handle both. 

We were both insecure; it just came out in different ways. Jimmy made jokes, and I would get quiet and deflect my pain. Instead of telling Jimmy how I felt, I hid my emotions and isolated. 

Even though we were ignorant as to how to navigate our issues, we were aware that we needed to get away and reconnect. To invest a little into our relationship. So, we seized an opportunity that only God could have made possible. We’ve noticed over the years that when we recognize our needs and take the initiative for one another, God steps out on our behalf. This time,e it was in the form of a friend’s condo in Myrtle Beach. They offered it to us for a week, for free! 

We packed our bags, dropped off our daughter with the grandparents, and headed to the coast. Now, even though we were staying at the place for free, we were still on a very tight budget. One day, we found an alligator farm with no admission fee. Why not? We pulled the car over and spent the entire afternoon exploring the park. 

At one of the exhibits, there was a talking parrot who would repeat your words back to you. I watched Jimmy’s eyes light up! He loves to make people laugh. My husband came up with stranger and stranger phrases for the parrot to repeat, which the bird did verbatim. I couldn’t help soaking in the moment that reminded me of our dating life before marriage—Jimmy lighting up the social situations while I basked in each new experience. 

Laughter truly is good medicine. It can remind you why you love someone so much,h even in a difficult season. 

That day, laughter was washing away the walls Jimmy and I had built up between us. It was as if it covered our insecurities, allowing us to reconnect. When we left for Myrtle Beach to work on our marriage, the last thing we expected was that a talking parrot with a sense of humor would teach us how to talk through our struggles and celebrate our strengths. 

Respond

• Does laughter play a role in your relationship with your spouse? How? 
• Share a story. 

Prayer

God, thank You for laughter. We know there will be hard times, but we ask that You help us find humor in our circumstances and laugh together as a couple.

Scripture: Proverbs 16:9

A Blueprint for Growth 

I am a peacemaker. Being a peacemaker is intrinsically part of my identity. No matter where— home or work—I assume the task of creating harmony and unity. It’s something God placed in me that has always been a part of who I am. It’s a gift that I’m uniquely able to bring into our marriage, and it makes us stronger. And let me tell you, the feeling of being able to help your spouse from a place of your intrinsic strength is incredible! Linking up as a unit and empowering one another is a rush. 

Stuffing my emotions is a learned behavior—it’s not healthy, but it was ingrained in me as a child. My introduction to dealing with emotions became my instruction. It’s something I learned, something I was taught, whether consciously or subconsciously. And it’s something I am responsible to unlearn. We all have intrinsic and learned behaviors. They’re aspects of our identities that we are better able to navigate as we develop our emotional intelligence. 

Some learned behaviors are simply tools that help us compensate for areas of weakness; others are harmful habits or patterns that we either were taught or intuited along the way in our development. We are responsible as adults for unlearning the latter. 

Since you’ve been married, I’m sure you’ve been told that “you’ve changed.” I want to be clear here—that’s not necessarily a bad thing! In fact, growth requires change. The important part is knowing yourself well enough to make sure that the areas in which you change are the negative learned behaviors. Jimmy has helped me enormously in learning how to express my needs and feelings. It’s something he was uniquely equipped to do. Scripture tells us, “Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms” (1 Peter 4:10). 

In his grace, God gave us ways to help each other reach our fullest potential. Jimmy’s gift and ability to confidently express his emotions and needs fits perfectly in the space where I struggle—it is strength where I am weak, but only when we work together. As a result of our applying this two-equals-one principle, I’ve become more vocal and assertive, which in turn leads me to a more emotionally healthy place where I can respond and relate to the needs of others. This is the skill of emotional health in practice—this is growing in love. 

In 1 Corinthians, Paul talked about what it means to grow as a person, to grow in love. He said, “When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things” (1 Corinthians 13:11 NLT). I know that adulthood comes with a heap of responsibility. If I’m honest, sometimes I find myself feeling a twinge of envy for the freedom I see in little children! But the reality is that along with the depth of responsibility comes greater beauty; our experiences of love and what it really means to love become so much clearer and more meaningful. 

There is nothing more worthwhile than love. 

Nothing that could bring a greater return. 

Nothing that will outlast. 

So don’t be afraid of change. 

Respond

• Why do you love your spouse? 
• Describe ways God uniquely designed you and your spouse to spend life together. 

Prayer

Lord, I am so grateful for the life and the spouse You have given me. I want all our days together to point to the goodness and love that You offer.