10 Steps For Dealing With Anger

Scripture: 1 John 1:9

Admit Your Anger to God

A woman once said to me, “I’ve been angry all my life. I never saw it as something I needed to confess, but one day I realized my anger was something God could heal. I knew the first step toward receiving any healing was to admit there was a problem. So I went to God and said, ‘I admit I’m angry. I’m not entirely sure why I’m angry, but I know I am. Please help me.”

Soon after this woman prayed, the Lord brought to her remembrance three separate and distinct painful experiences from her childhood. As she recalled each of them, she felt intense anger rising within her. She prayed: “Lord, help me release to You all the negative feelings and pain I have right now. Please cleanse my heart and mind of this memory so that I’ll never have a strong reaction to this horrible experience again.”

She mentioned that each time she prayed, she immediately burst into tears. She wept until she was sure there were no tears left. She felt a strong release, as if something deep within her was being dislodged and swept away with the flow of her tears. “The sense of release was tremendous; and in the aftermath, I felt so relieved,” she said.

“I asked the Lord to fill me with His peace and remind me of a happy memory to replace the negative one. I chose to recall the joyful experience in vivid detail, even to the point of laughter. As I did this, I felt the love of the Lord pouring into me. I shared my pain with God and allowed Him to cleanse me, renewing areas of my soul with His love and joy.”

I asked her, “Were you ever angry after that?”

“Yes,” she replied, “but not to the same degree of intensity. And it didn’t come from a place as deep in my soul. Any anger I felt after that was about other situations or circumstances. It was much more in the moment and didn’t involve people or experiences in my distant past.”

Then this woman made an amazing statement: “It was as if my anger had become a habit. I responded in anger because I didn’t know how else to react. I talked to a friend about this, and she gave me suggestions about how to respond to negative situations and problems without anger. Over time, I’ve felt less and less angry. It’s been 18 years since that spiritual healing, and it really takes something major for me to feel anger now.”

I believe it’s true for many people that an angry response has become habitual. If this is the case for you, I recommend you talk to God. Tell Him, “Father, I confess that I don’t know how to respond to emotional pain or rejection apart from anger. Show me a new way of handling life’s difficult situations. Lead me to the right information and help me to make the changes I need to make. I trust You to help me break this habit of anger once and for all.”

Scripture: Matthew 18:15-17

Identify the Source of Your Anger

A person once said to me, “I thought my husband was making me angry, but then I realized it wasn’t really his actions that were triggering this emotion. It was a memory of my father’s actions that had established a pattern of anger in my life.” This is true for many people. Something their parents said in the distant past still rings as criticism in their ears. The “tape” goes round and round. It’s played, re-wound, and played again.

You’re worthless.

You were never wanted.

You’ll never amount to anything.

You’ll never have what you dream of having.

Your “recording” could be something your spouse said during an argument or what your teenager said before storming out of the house. The pain of these memories, coupled with a strong sense of rejection, can result in inner turmoil that frequently manifests itself as anger.

When someone is angry with you, you need to consider several things. If you’re being accused wrongfully, there’s little you can do to calm the person’s anger. The angry person most likely doesn’t want to hear your side of the story and may not be willing to listen to any possible explanation or excuse.

Oftentimes, people will become angry about something that has nothing to do with you. But they need to find someone to blame, so they transfer it to you. If this happens, you need to deal with it quickly and properly.

In Matthew 18, Jesus provides very clear instruction on how to deal with conflict: “If your brother sins, go and reprove him in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church” (vv. 15-17).

The wonderful thing about this teaching is it also works in reverse. If you’re the one who sinned and someone is justified in his anger toward you, then you need to go to him, confess your sin, and ask for forgiveness. If he doesn’t accept your apology, you may need to try again with the “one or two more” Jesus spoke of at your side.

Whether someone’s anger is justified or unjustified, you can pray for that person to be healed emotionally and find peace. Ask God to help this individual let go of the anger and focus on positive things. Pray for God to move in the angry person’s heart to bring healing and joy. Finally, ask the Lord to bless and restore your relationship with that person.

Scripture: James 4:7

Give Up Your Rights to Anger

The way you address anger is a matter of your will. You can and must take authority over your emotions and choose to release the anger.

Don’t try to justify your anger.

Don’t make excuses for it.

Don’t transfer it to or blame others.

Own up to your feelings through prayer: “God, help me to deal with this quickly and effectively. Don’t let anger poison my soul.”

I once heard someone describe it this way: “Anger is like spilling something on a clean white shirt. If you clean it quickly and in the right way, there’s a good chance it won’t become a lasting stain. But if you ignore it and wait too long to treat the stain, your garment likely is ruined forever.” And this does not mean spewing it onto the perceived offender right away. That doesn’t solve your anger problem; it inflames it.

“But I have a right to be angry,” a person might say. “If I don’t speak up immediately, I’ll lose my opportunity to let the other person know that I’m worthy of respect.”

Or you may hear someone else explain, “I have a right to respond in a way that lets a person know I have a right to my own feelings and to express them in any way I want, including anger.”

The truth is that you don’t have any of these so-called rights. Completely surrendering your anger to God means you are giving up your “right” to get even with a person who wronged you or made you angry. You are saying, “I won’t try to hurt you or seek payback.” You are willing to forgive, no matter what the person did to you. And when you do surrender completely, you will find that God heals, blesses, and guides you in ways that are truly miraculous.

Scriptures: Psalms 103:8, James 1:19

Take a Time Out

I’ve often encouraged people to develop a certain habit when they feel anger rising within them. If someone or something makes you angry and you start seeing red, choose to visualize it in the shape of a stop sign. Imagine yourself at an intersection and come to a full, complete stop. Carefully consider all the directions your anger can go, then respond slowly and deliberately.

Psalm 103:8 says that God is “slow to anger.”

James 1:19 encourages everyone to be “quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.”

We must always remember that nearly every person has control over his or her thoughts, emotions, and responses at any given time. For the most part, we choose how we feel, what we think, and what we believe. When we find ourselves in situations that evoke anger, pausing to calm our emotions and seek the Lord is always the wisest course of action. As we pause to take a deep breath and bring our concerns before the Lord, He shows us the truth of our situation and, when asked in prayer, promises to show us the best way to respond, providing for us a way out in the best and godliest of ways. 

As you move through life, encountering many people and situations that can bring about the strong emotion of anger, make sure your response will always be a godly one. Remember to rule your tongue, don’t speak too quickly, consider the cost, and take a much needed time out when you need one.

Scripture: Galatians 6:2

Get to the Root of the Problem

In many cases, a person’s anger has nothing to do with what you have said or done. He’s responding out of frustration, stress, insecurity, jealousy, fatigue, or something else that is entirely unrelated to his interaction with you. It is not uncommon for people to become angry when they allow themselves to get too hungry, lonely, or tired.

In my early years as a pastor, when it came to listening to other people’s stories, I did not have nearly as much patience as I have now. I thought—as many men, and certainly many pastors, do—that I needed to be a problem solver. Whenever someone began to tell me about a need or problem, I wanted to jump quickly to the solution—especially if I clearly saw the answer in terms of biblical truth. I did not realize the value in letting that person tell me all the details. But now I understand what a tremendous benefit it is to people when they are allowed to share their full story. I have found that I, too, benefit from catching a glimpse of how God has worked, is working, and will work in someone’s life.

When I was young, my mother would say to me, “Tell me what you want me to know.” She never pressured me to tell her what she wanted to hear or what she thought she should hear. My mother allowed me to say exactly what I wanted to say in my own timing. And, of course, I ended up telling her everything. I find my mother’s approach to be a wise one in most relationships.

Listening to someone tell their story and allowing them to get to the root of the problem goes a long way to defusing anger. Sometimes in the recounting of the offense, hurt, or rejection, a person is better able to see where their strong reaction and emotion have their roots. God uses others to help us “work our way” through any problem we have from the root to its solution, deepening our relationship with Him—and others—in the process.   

Scriptures: Matthew 6:33, James 4:8

Voice Your Anger to the One Who Can Help You Most

There is very little value in venting anger just for the sake of venting it. Behavioral scientists have discovered that even after an individual screams into a pillow, most of the feelings of anger that have taken up residence in that person are still there. Expressing anger does not produce healing.

There is value in venting one’s emotions in conversation with a trusted friend or counselor who can provide valuable insight and help you find rational solutions. It is not always possible, however, to have the right person available at the exact time a listening and caring heart is needed. But there is Someone to whom you can always voice your deepest emotions.

Take your anger to God. Get by yourself, on your knees, with your Bible open. Ask the Lord to show you why you’re angry and what you can do to redirect your negative feelings into positive behavior. He knows why you’re angry. He knows your situation and your circumstances. Trust Him to reveal the best way to identify, deal with, and let go of your anger.

As you read your Bible, focus on the words of Jesus in the four Gospels. Or turn to the book of Psalms for encouragement and peace. Practical, how-to advice is found in the book of Proverbs. And for guidance on victorious Christian living, open your Bible to any of Paul’s writings, including Romans, Ephesians, and Philippians. As you take your concerns to the Lord and spend time with Him in prayer and in study of His Word, you will find your anger dissipating as the Father heals your soul in “the light of His glory and grace.” 

Scriptures: 1 Timothy 4:8, 1 Corinthians 10:31

Redirect Your Energy

Anger produces energy that can be redirected to countless good behaviors. Use your anger to do something useful and productive.

• Wash and wax your car. If you’re still angry after that, clean the interior.
• Clean out a closet, the attic, the cupboards, or any other area of your home.
• Weed your flower beds or till the soil in your vegetable garden. Don’t have either? Plant one. It’s amazing what planting something and watching it grow can do to calm you.
• Go to the driving range and hit a large bucket of golf balls. 

There’s something therapeutic and beneficial about engaging in physical activity. It helps you blow off steam. And when you re-channel that negative energy in the right direction, it can prove to be profitable. Just think of all you can accomplish. So get rid of it! Replace your anger with physical activity.

I do not, however, recommend operating heavy machinery or power tools as a way to redirect anger. Careless mistakes occur far more often when a person is angry. The same goes for driving any kind of vehicle. Don’t let your car or motorcycle serve as an outlet for your anger.

What about walking, running, swimming, hiking, or riding a bicycle? These activities are good for the body, but they do not require your complete attention. You can still stew in anger as you engage in exercises such as these.

What about doing a puzzle or reading a book? These are good for focusing the mind, but they are not activities that release pent-up physical energy. Choose an activity that engages both the mind and body in a healthful and productive way.

Intense anger has an element of confusion to it. In most cases, it is a free-floating emotion looking for a place to land. As a result, people who are angry often want to pound something with their fist or find an object to pick up and throw. Give your anger a positive focus. Expend that negative energy in a way that is productive … not destructive.

Scriptures: Ephesians 4:31, Colossians 3:12

Reset Your Personal, Emotional Dial

The apostle Paul challenged the Ephesians to “put away” their anger (Eph. 4:31). In the Greek, this phrase literally means to strip away or to lift up and toss away. In other words, the Bible commands that we remove anger completely from our hearts.

And if you are a believer, you have the power of the Holy Spirit within you to lay it down. All you need to say is, “God, I don’t want this anger in my life, and I choose to lay it down by Your grace, love, and goodness.”

Now, there are some other things you still have to deal with. That’s not the end of the issue. But that’s a major part of letting go of anger. You put it down. Get rid of it. Get rid of “bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander … along with all malice” (Eph. 4:31).

If Paul didn’t mean that you actually could “put it away,” he would never have encouraged the church to do just that. You can put it away it by the power of the Holy Spirit of God. As a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ, you have the power to lay it down. 

In an interesting contrast, what Paul told the church in Ephesus was the exact opposite of what he said to believers in Colossae. To them, the apostle wrote, “Put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience” (Colossians 3:12). The phrase “put on” literally means to clothe yourself. He’s also telling us to wear these qualities and to cover ourselves with them. Paul makes a very strong and very clear distinction between which emotions we need to “put on” and which we need to “put away.” And it is a wise person indeed who endeavors to heed his instruction.

Scriptures: 1 Corinthians 1:10, Proverbs 13:16

Determine How You Will Respond in the Future

After any angry encounter, it’s wise to decide how you will respond the next time you see that person. You may want to rehearse in your mind what you will say and how you will behave. Envision yourself in a similar situation or circumstance and ask  yourself, What would I do differently? How should I behave the next time something like this comes up?

You might say, “But I don’t know what kind of mood the other person will be in.” His or her mood or behavior doesn’t matter. What does matter is that you determine that you are going to greet that person with peace in your heart, a cheerful attitude, and a positive word. Do not let the mood or behavior of other people dictate your responses to life. Choose how you will act.

Always keep in mind that you cannot predict or control what other people will do or how they will respond in a particular situation. You can only control how you will respond. And to a great extent, you can choose in advance how you will respond.

Don’t let another person affect the spring in your step or the twinkle in your eye.

Don’t let anyone rob you of your smile.

Don’t let someone else cause you to be discouraged or unhappy.

For decades, sports psychologists and trainers have taught athletes the benefits of visualization. Men and women in solo sports such as diving or ice skating see themselves completing a difficult maneuver in their minds. In team sports like baseball and soccer, players visualize themselves hitting a home run or scoring the winning goal. There is a direct correlation between good rehearsal—mental or physical—and excellent performance in everything from music to public speaking, acting to athletics.

The more you mentally prepare yourself for the difficult experiences, the more peaceful you will be in times of anger or frustration (Prov. 13:16).

Scripture: Genesis 1:1

Set Emotional Goals in Key Relationships

Relationships. We all have them. Some are great, some are strained, and some are just not working at all — no matter how hard we try. What do we do when dealing with the key relationships in our lives? A good place to start is to talk about your relationships. You don’t need to overanalyze them to the point of stifling normal, open communication and interaction. But you also shouldn’t neglect talking with those closest to you about your feelings, hopes, dreams, and desires. And you certainly should spend some time learning about theirs. Find a happy balance.

Spend quality time alone with your spouse, each of your children, and your close friends. Point out positive aspects of the other person’s character, attitude, and personality. Reflect on what your relationship has meant to you through the years. Talk about ways you can strengthen your marriage, your parent-child relationship, or your friendship. Express your desire to see your key relationships grow stronger.

Ask the person, “How can I pray for you?” and find opportunities to pray together. You can learn a tremendous amount about someone by listening to how he or she prays.

A man once said to me, “I get the barometric pressure reading on my marriage when I hear my wife pray for me. And I thought I was the only one taking stock of what was being said. Then one day she told me, ‘I know how you’re feeling about me by the things you ask God to help me do.’ From that moment on, I began paying attention not only to what my wife was saying but to what I was saying as we prayed together. I gained major insights not only into our relationship but into my own motives and desires.”

I’m thoroughly convinced that two people intentionally can decide that they are not going to be angry with each other. Certain safeguards and benchmarks can be put into place to stop a discussion from escalating into an argument. On the other hand, if no intentional decision is made, anger will continue to manifest itself. Never assume that all anger will dissipate just because you love each other. Some of the fiercest and most angry tirades occur between people who claim to be in love.

When discussing your relationship with another person, talk about what you can do to help each other confront painful or difficult situations without resorting to anger, bitterness, or resentment. One of the best things you can do to control your own anger is to remain flexible and have a sense of humor about your own faults and flaws.

Learn how to determine what is truly important in life and what’s not. Things that are urgent are not necessarily important. Don’t get bogged down in trivial things that pull you away from God and His best for your life.