Calming Angry Kids

Scriptures: Proverbs 19:11, James 1:19-20

The Truth Behind Mad

Can you imagine being a tiny, frail five-year-old shuffled from home to home and expected to trust adults you don’t know? Our adopted daughter Sissy had no place to call her own. She had no control. She had no voice…except one she used to scream and shout really, really loudly. Anger provided her a way to communicate that things were not right in her world and in her heart. 

The truth behind mad is that no one likes it, especially the angry kid. 

It’s not as if Sissy was happy with or thrived on being angry. She seemed to hate it as much as we did. She just didn’t know how to handle things differently. She didn’t know how to communicate her pain or other emotions. She didn’t know how to protect her heart from being hurt again—from being abandoned again—except to act out. 

Angry kids do not “just get over” the anger that often accompanies childhood hurts. It will pop up in unexpected ways and in unexpected places, which is why it’s vital for us to help our kids now, while they are still young. Anger comes out in small ways when they are little, and it comes out in bigger ways as they grow. 

Trauma-triggered anger usually manifests itself in one of three ways: fight, flight, or freeze. But this doesn’t apply just to kids who’ve faced trauma. All children exhibit the same type of responses; actually, we are all wired to protect ourselves. When we sense danger, we will instinctively react with a fight, flight, or freeze response. Not a lot of thought goes into this response. The body just naturally does its thing. 

Children respond with fight, flight, or freeze when they feel threatened (even if the danger is only perceived and not an actual danger). Often, we parents don’t understand what is happening. But what we view as a small problem or unexpected disruption our kids may see as a huge threat. That’s because their reaction is not always a response to something happening in that moment. A child’s response—including extreme anger—is often tied to something that occurred in her past. Something happening in the present triggered the memory (often unconscious) of what occurred previously. 

If I had to choose just one thing for you to do while going through these devotions, it is to commit. To realize that with God’s guidance you can be the help—or find the help—that your child needs. Whether you’ve had your child since birth—or your child is new to your home—you are the expert with your kid. No one is as invested as you are. No one else will deal with the long-range ramifications of your children’s emotional health in the same way. 

Scriptures: Proverbs 14:29, Proverbs 15:18, Ephesians 4:26-27

A Parent’s External Response to Anger

When we are angry at our kids, we often respond similarly to how our parents responded in anger to us. During my growing-up years, my stepdad went from calm to slap-you-on-the-side-of-the-head angry in fifteen seconds flat. I found myself repeating that cycle. Most of the time I dealt with my children’s disobedience in a peaceful manner, and then something small would push me over the edge and I’d get mad. I wouldn’t hit, but flicks to the shoulder, smacks on the hand, or a firm squeeze on my child’s arm let my child know I was serious.

Then one day I realized I was following in my stepdad’s foot- steps. I was sitting next to my son while he colored. I moved to swipe his bangs out of his eyes and he flinched. His fear broke my heart. I offered a loving gesture, but that wasn’t what my son expected. After that, I began to work on stopping those angry actions. I turned to God and prayed about my anger. If I felt frustration building, I’d count to ten and then offer up a quick prayer that God would help me not respond in anger. I’m thankful my older kids can’t remember that angry mom.

When it comes to anger, we can always do better. We will get angry. We will become frustrated. But how we handle ourselves is up to us. 

Why do our kids get in our faces when they get mad? It’s an invitation for us to join them. They want us to engage and escalate with them. Why? First, when we escalate with our children, they feel justified. If we get angry, then they can stay angry. Anger feeds more anger, and in the moment it’s a powerful feeling for our kids. Second, when our children are angry and we get angry at them, then they become the victims. Suddenly they’re crying because of our behavior. 

Sometimes becoming angry has become a bad habit. Other times we just want to get our kids to do what we say. Sometimes we simply want to win the fight. (Who doesn’t want to win?) Yet we parents win when we stay controlled. When we stay calm, our kids are able to calm down more quickly. When we stay calm, we can think clearly. We maintain control, and we make good choices about how we act, what we say, and how we discipline. More than that, by remaining calm, we are positive role models for our kids. After all, how can we tell our kids to control themselves when we’re not willing to do the same? 

This is what our kids need to see—us dealing with an angry child and maintaining control. Being able to deal with angry people and hard situations is a necessary part of life. 

Scriptures: Mark 11:25, Ephesians 4:31-32, 1 Peter 4:8

Building Bonds

All through life there seem to be things that pull parents and children apart. Work and school often separate us during the day. Our kids connect with teachers and coaches, and they find it especially easy to connect with friends. And even when we are with our kids physically—by being in each other’s presence—we often don’t connect emotionally. Because of this, small conflicts turn into big confrontations, which lead to anger. That’s why finding a way to connect with our kids is so important. The more we connect and understand our kids, the more we feel what they’re feeling and understand what they’re going through. And the more they do the same when they connect with us. 

In fact, it’s the daily moments when I catch our preteens or teens doing something good that matter most. When I notice them working hard on their homework, supporting a friend, or doing a chore without being asked, I tell them I appreciate their efforts. When I point out something I love about their character, personality, hobbies, or interests, that approval goes a long way. As an example, I’ve sat through conversations about comic books and makeup tips—praising a child’s knowledge and wisdom—not because I was interested in those things but because my teens were. I wanted them to know I was proud they took time and effort to grow a passion or learn a skill. 

It took a conscious effort to ignore the bad and praise the good, but nothing has worked better in getting my kids to obey me. After the first day of my overexcited reactions, my husband returned home from work to a wife who had no voice left—and was very exhausted—but also to three children who were happy and excited about all the ways they’d obeyed that day. 

Still, what all kids want most is one thing: to spend time with Mom and Dad—real, quality, chill-out-and-have-fun-together time. Not only are children disappointed when they are merely shuffled from event to event; they’re also physically and emotionally spent (which can also lead to anger issues, as we’ve mentioned). On the other hand, kids who have time to play, explore, create, and spend time with their families often don’t have the same struggles with anger as other kids their ages. It’s amazing, isn’t it, that sometimes the best thing we can do to help our kids manage their anger is to just find ways to connect with them, in the ways that mean the most to them? 

Scriptures: 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, 2 Corinthians 12:9, James 1:12, Revelation 2:10, Galatians 6:9

The Victor’s Crown

My teen daughter raised her voice in anger as she played a video game with her sister. The two of them were fighting over a character, and her emotions were getting heated. I could see from her face that she was about to have a meltdown. 

When her dad tried to encourage her to calm down, she raised her voice at him too. Since I was sitting next to her, I leaned forward and spoke in a low tone. “Think about what you’re saying and your tone. Do you need time to calm yourself?” 

She sucked in a deep breath, and I watched her face relax. Then she released the breath she’d been holding. “No, I’m all right,” she told me. Then, without prompting, she turned back to her sister and talked in a calm voice. John and I looked at each other. He cocked an eyebrow. I knew what he was thinking. Is this really our kid? It was hard to believe such a simple interaction was so effective, but the result demonstrated to us how far our daughter had come—how far we’d come. Our kids still get angry at times, but I’m amazed by how often they’re able to calm themselves. 

My grandmother, who lives with us, has witnessed all this—the hard days and the good ones. And she is a sweet reminder that even the most difficult trials we face last only for a season. After living eighty-eight years, not only does she see the challenges our family has faced as minor, but she also knows the rewards that come with days, weeks, and years of perseverance. More than once, when I was weary and at the end of my rope, Grandma has looked at me with a twinkle in her eyes and said, “You’ll get your crown someday, sweetheart. You’ll get your crown.” 

This is the crown I think my grandma was referring to. God calls us to finish strong, despite life’s challenges, and promises to give us a victor’s crown if we do. As I’ve faithfully endured, I have discovered a new hope for our family here on earth. We’ve faced many challenges, but as we’ve worked through them, we have grown strong together. Galatians 6:9 tells us, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” It’s not just John and I who are reaping a harvest. Our children are too. As they’ve let down the walls around their hearts, not only have they invited John and me in more and more, but they’ve invited God in more too. As my children choose to follow God, they can look forward to their eternal reward, their own victor’s crown.