10 Challenges Every Dad Must Conquer

Scripture: Ephesians 6:4

Introduction

Congratulations on starting this new YouVersion Bible Reading Plan called 10 Challenges Every Dad Must Conquer from Manhood Journey. If you’re like most dads, you are walking around feeling overwhelmed—or worse—like a failure. 

This reading plan is a summary of many of the things we cover in our Field Guides for dads. Like this reading plan, we took your most-pressing challenges and give you strategies and Scripture to overcome your challenges. We believe you can be the dad God calls you to be. This reading plan will help.

First, a brief word about Manhood Journey. Manhood Journey is a ministry who helps dads become disciple makers. We do this through various tools. Things like blogs, eBooks, Field Guides, Bible studies, digital courses and live events.

What we’ll cover in 10 Challenges Every Dad Must Conquer Bible Reading Plan: 

My guess is you’re a dad who wants to be intentional in how you’re raising your children. You want them to relate to God in a personal way, to be guarded from evil, to grow up to be strong men and women. But, that’s difficult in this world!

In fact, of the thousands of dads we’ve worked with, many of them tell us they don’t feel like they’re “doing enough” for their kids. Maybe you share that feeling. You want to do the right thing, but you just feel like you’re missing the mark.

Most dads express this sense of failure and even exasperation. We hear these ten common challenges in many ways. Most dads ask us questions something like this:

• “I’m unsure where to begin in discipling my child?”
• “Am I doing enough?”
• “How can I get my kids to open up to me and tell me what’s on their hearts and minds?”
• “How do I balance my time – making sure I give the right amounts to work, my wife, my kids, and other interests, hobbies, or volunteer projects?”
• “How do I battle outside influences on my children, especially regarding media and technology?”
• “How do I train my kids well, helping them to lead a life that honors God?”

In this reading plan, we’ll address these questions and more. We’ll see what Scripture has to say to help us conquer these challenges.

We’ve taken all of the thousands of struggles we’ve heard from dads and organized them into ten main challenges with some key solutions. These solutions aren’t “sequential” – they’re things we’re all working on all the time, to varying degrees. Imagine these ten things as buckets. 

So, over the whole reading plan, you’ll get ten challenges and ten solutions you can use, with strategies and Scriptures for implementing each one.

We’re here to help you become the disciple-making dad God calls you to be.

If you find this reading plan helpful, don’t miss the Field Guides for dads that digs into each of the ten challenges in much greater detail. We took each of these ten challenges and matched them with battle-proven, busy leaders who also happen to be dads—to give you theologically deep and super-practical help. 

Scripture: Proverbs 22:6

You’re not sure whether you’re winning or losing. 

What game are you playing? 

As dads, we need to understand what’s the most important thing you want to pass down to children. I’m not talking about how to throw the perfect spiral. While super important, what about whether your child actually becomes a follower of Christ? How about your role in leading by example in the house—modeling what a Christian should look like?

Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it,” (ESV). So, what are we “training up” our kids to do? 

Who we are plays a major role in shaping who they become. With this in mind, the best thing we can do is make sure our kids keep a healthy perspective of what’s truly important. 

Rather than pointing our kids to Christ, are we pointing them to worldly accomplishments? 

Where should you start? How about here: are you doing the base-level things for your kids? 

1) Reading the Bible together  

Don’t overthink this. God’s Word is powerful. Read a verse or chapter with your kids and ask: what did you guys just read or what questions do you have about God after reading this?

2) Praying together

We’re pointing them to God—not ourselves. Praying goes well with reading the Bible. 

3) Getting involved in their ministry at church 

If you have a teenager, consider becoming a small-group leader. If you have an elementary-aged kid, serve in the children’s ministry. You get the idea. 

When our kids are asking questions about stuff that matters, we’re making progress! Mark it down. This is you winning as a dad! 

For today, assess yourself. What game are you really playing?

Scripture: James 1:19

Culture’s pulling your child away.

Accept your influence

Believe it or not, you are the most influential voice in the life of your child. It doesn’t always feel like that. When doors slam, or tears are shed, you won’t feel like a positive influence. But, I know this, the earlier I speak into their lives when it’s the loudest voice they hear, the better the chances are they’ll hear it in the future.

What you say to them now matters. What are you speaking into the lives of your children?

The fact is—how I respond leaves an impression on the hearts and minds of my children. This is true with how I respond to culture as well. If my first response to the things I disagree with is anger and shouting, then I would expect my children will begin to respond the same way. 

What I’ve learned is that I can lose my voice quicker the louder I respond.

I’m learning the truth of James 1:19 (CSB):

“My dearly loved brothers, understand this: everyone should be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger…”

We can’t battle the culture if we’re locked and loaded with hatred and disagreement. Our children can’t battle this culture if all we’re giving them is ammunition without an ounce of gentleness and respect. That said, it’s time for your voice to be louder than the voices fighting for their ears.

Here’s the good news: You don’t fight alone. Your children don’t fight alone. We are in this together. The culture has a lot to say, but so do we. We have a truth that has stood and will continue to stand for eternity. Do not be afraid to let your voice be heard in the ears of your children. The culture has an influence, don’t let it silence yours. 

What are you speaking into the lives of your children?

Scripture: Ephesians 6:4

You feel distant from your child.

Pick your battles

Keep this verse in mind as we go forward:

“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” —Ephesians 6:4.

The key word in these passages is “provoke”. It means: don’t irritate your kids with constant fault-finding to the point that they become disheartened.

This is at the heart of picking our battles. We must make sure we aren’t constantly nagging our kids to the point they want to give up. We never want our kids to think, “What’s the point in trying? I’m never going to be good enough. I’ll never get it right.”

When I make every issue a battle to fight, I wear my kids out. Myself too! Praise God for a wife who knows how to alert me to my mood when I am unaware. I also have had many experienced dads encourage me to pick my battles. 

Picking your battles involves two things:

1. Having perspective: Finding out what the most important lesson is in that moment and teaching it. Sometimes we miss the forest for the trees. If we pepper our kids with every possible lesson they could learn in a given situation they will walk away not retaining any of the valuable knowledge you poured out. What are the top one or two points you can make in this given situation? 

2. Timing is everything: Is this moment the right time to bring up what they may have done wrong? Sometimes you may want to take a pause and come back to it later when it’s just the two of you. 

What battles are you currently fighting that you shouldn’t? What battles should you actually pick instead? 

Scriptures: Romans 7:18, Matthew 6:9

You’re living with failure and regret.

Great Expectations

We may have started off on the right foot as dads, but we quickly failed. You’re not alone. Residing in each of us is a sin nature that pushes against our best intentions. “For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out” (Rom. 7:18). 

And the failures just piled up. We broke promises. We got angry. The growing list of parenting mistakes only raises a cloud of doubt. I haven’t been a good father. I may never be a good father.

Let me assure you: your story is not complete.

You’ve had failures as a father, but you are not a failure. To dismiss yourself as a failure is to dismiss the ability of God to work in your life. 

So where does the doubt about yourself come from? It comes from focusing on the wrong benchmark in your life. It’s good to have a standard and expectations for yourself, but make sure it’s the right benchmark. If you want a benchmark for what it means to be the best father ever, don’t settle for any of these faulty examples:

• Your own father.
• The antithesis of your own father.
• Some idealized (fictional!) dad in a Hallmark movie.

Your standard should be God Himself. We’re invited to look to Him as our Father. The Model Prayer begins: “Our Father in heaven…” (Matt. 6:9). Consider what makes Him the perfect Father.

God the Father loves unconditionally. God the Father does not say, “I love you because _____.” He says, “I love you no matter what.” 

God the Father is always there. Try as we may, we all have seasons when we’re not there for a son or daughter like we want to be. But God can — and is. 

What benchmark are you trying to live up to as a dad? 

Scriptures: Ephesians 4:26-27, Ephesians 4:31-32

You’re always angry.

What is anger?

With years in ministry, I’ve discovered anger can be a surprising source of frustration and bondage. The shame of a raised voice, over reaction or patched hole in the wall is covered with promises to do better next time, and a resolve to keep this struggle quiet because “good Christian parents don’t lose their temper.” 

Here’s three things you should do when it comes to anger: 

1. See your anger 
2. Source your anger 
3. Submit your anger 

#1 See your anger

This starts with being able to recognize and say something matters to our hearts, and when something really matters to us it’s usually hard to hide it on the outside.

What does your anger look like on the outside: Raising Your Voice? Silence? Sarcasm?

Seeing our emotions before they erupt into harmful responses is the real goal of SEEING OUR ANGER.

#2 Source your anger

As we seek freedom from anger in our hearts, the next step is to SOURCE OUR ANGER. This is doing the hard work of investigating what is making us feel so deeply.

Anger is most useful as a diagnostic tool. When anger erupts, it’s a signal something is wrong. 

Don’t skip the obvious things: Are you eating at the right times? Are you getting enough sleep and exercise?

#3 Submit your anger

Submitting your anger is asking Jesus to bring life where we are only producing death. For most of us, the problem of anger is deeper, and the cost of submission is greater than what could be sourced on the surface. 

The good news of Jesus is powerful enough for your anger problem. And, applying that gospel to the sources of your anger is an honest confession to Him that you need a new heart to surrender to His control.

As you take your anger to Jesus, this is the work I know He will do in you. He is the antidote. There is no other.  

Do you SEE your anger? Have you sourced it? Are you submitting it?

Scripture: Proverbs 20:5

Your child feels distant from you. 

“How was your day today?” “Fine.”

“I mean, what did you do today?” “Oh, nothing.”

Have you ever heard this script with your child?

There is a solution

There’s a way to break past their walls. It lies in the power of questions. Asking the right questions—the right way—interrupts the negative thinking that tends to course through their minds:

• “Talking with you is boring.”
• “You don’t really care about my life.”
• “Can we just get this over with?”

You may not see instant success but if you employ the strategies that follows, you will transform your relationship with your kids.

1. Review and adjust to your child’s personality. 

If your oldest son likes to talk incessantly, your daughter is quieter but more emotional and your youngest son is quiet but intense, you can’t talk to them all the same way.

2. Review your history. 

Another factor in your approach to your individual children should be to fully consider your relational rhythms and past issues. Have you had a rough time with your daughter, who always seems to talk back? Does your son roll his eyes whenever you get serious? Whatever your past experience with them, remember it is redeemable.

3. Talk less, ask more. 

Sometimes older kids won’t listen because we talk too much. The older they are, the more we need to listen. Also, we need to be careful not to always plant correction in our questions—older kids can sense when they’re being “creatively” admonished!

Asking questions is more art than science – it is fluid, unpredictable, sometimes messy. If you do it right, you sometimes won’t feel like you’re very good at it.

Which strategy from above will you try this evening with your child?

Scripture: Ephesians 6:12

You’re fighting the wrong enemy.

Identifying the true enemy

Life is full of many “dangers, toils and snares” that constantly frustrate our efforts to survive during our days under the sun. You need to understand while there is an enemy, that enemy is NOT your wife, not your kids, and not even culture.

My wife or child interrupting me is not something I “just have to accept”. This is something I can address and put a stop to. “Will you just leave me alone?!” 

With the right facial expression and the right tone of voice, that’s all it would take for my wife or interrupting child to take their problem someplace else and finally just give me some peace and quiet. 

But, just think about what has now happened in the fallout. Think about the wedge that has been placed into that relationship. 

Think about the root of bitterness that has been planted in that person’s soul. Think about the witness I have compromised before my family to whom I am supposed to be a model of their Heavenly Father (Eph. 3:15).

This is precisely what Satan wanted all along.

And in my weakness, I failed to see the spiritual realities behind what was happening in the moment. I misidentified my enemy and misdirected my response. 

The Apostle Paul says, “our struggle is not against flesh and blood” (Eph. 6:12). 

Satan is well aware of this reality. He’s had thousands of years to observe, research and learn from human behavior. He knows precisely how small tweaks of details here and there can affect our emotions and cause us to react. 

There will be attacks. There will be snares. There will be nakedness, danger and sword as the enemy comes at us with any and every combination he can muster of the world, the flesh and the devil. But we do not go alone. We go having been given the promise “I am with you” (Matt. 28:20) by the One who said, “Take heart, I have overcome the world” (John 16:33).

Have you identified your real enemy yet? 

Scripture: 1 Corinthians 6:13

You’ve failed in the past and you’re not sure what to do. 

Sharing the gospel through failures

I believe the core of the problem within our society is that too few men within the church are engaging the world. We simply don’t have examples of godly men around us. Leadership is characterized by authentic examples more than it is characterized by admonition and instruction.

Every father should remember that one day his son will follow his example instead of his advice. Robert E. Coleman from the book Master Plan of Evangelism said it well, “It is good to tell people what we mean, but it is infinitely better to show them. People are looking for a demonstration, not an explanation.”

Here are three tips to help us turn our everyday conversation into a gospel conversation. You have to tell the three stories:

#1 Their Story 

Ask a person his or her story. People are desperately wanting to be heard and known.

#2 Your Story

Share your story, the story of God’s grace and truth forever changing our lives. This is where God can use your testimony. This can be lessons you have learned through hardship and difficulty. Talk about (1) your life before Christ (2) how you accepted Christ and (3) your life with Christ. 

#3 God’s Story

This leads to the last and final story, the story of the gospel. This opens the door for us to share the gospel of Jesus Christ and opportunity for them to ponder it.

Consider the age and stage of your child. From that standpoint, take the child to Jesus. You understand why Christ has come and the goal is to point the person to the story of Jesus. Take one step at a time. As you share stories from your life, you will get more confident at connecting the dots of the gospel.

There are many methods for sharing the faith. As someone has said, sharing your faith is like prayer: there’s probably only one wrong way to do it, and that’s to not do it at all. 

Are you showing and telling your story with your children? 

Scripture: Ephesians 5:15-17

You’re overwhelmed and unfocused. 

Getting focused

You no doubt see the tension in trying to be intentional yet feeling as if we are failing miserably as a dad. Why is that?

The Pew Research Center reported some interesting stats related to this topic:

• 56% said it’s difficult to balance work and family.
• 81% report feeling rushed resulting in less time with their kids.

This attitude of intentionality should drive us in all we do—not just in our work—but as husbands and fathers. I think this was the attitude the Apostle Paul described in Ephesians 5:15-17 when he wrote, “Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore, do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.” (ESV)

First, Paul said to “look carefully” or to give special attention and purposeful thought behind the things we do. Paul also said, “making the best use of the time”. This implies some thought and intention should go into how we’ll use the hours of our day for work and family time. Finally, Paul said, “do not be foolish”. Don’t do stupid stuff! That’s intentionality.

Let’s explore what intentionality looks like related to five major areas of our lives. We can be the dad who engages his children with a plan on purpose. These ideas will get you started: 

Education: Communicate the importance of education – it isn’t optional, it’s a priority.

Health: Look for opportunities to go for walks, jogs or runs with your kids.

Sports: Use walking, jogging and running together as training and preparation for a 5K, 10K or marathon together.

Relationships: Surprise your kids by picking them up from school for a special date.

Church: Do you want your kids to grow up to be involved in church? Then they need to see you serving at church.

Becoming a focused father won’t happen overnight, but you can start to take great strides to help yourself become more intentional.

What’s one area you can pick now to get more focused on? 

Scripture: 1 Corinthians 10:31

You don’t have enough energy for work and home. 

The most important part of your day 

“This is it. It’s their only childhood. The three hours I’ll have with them until they go to bed are short. It’s go time.” This is the pep talk I gave myself while I sat in my car—having just pulled into the garage. Have you ever felt like you didn’t have the energy to be the dad you should? Have you ever walked in the door and wanted to be alone? Have you ever felt like you gave your best at work but weren’t able to give your best at home?

You’re not alone.

Do your kids get the same level of engagement and focus as your clients? Does your boss capture more of your enthusiasm than your wife? Your job can pull the best out of you and leave you with nothing left to bring home. 

You should do good work. As Paul encouraged in 1 Corinthians 10:31, “So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all for the glory of God.” But being a great employee is no excuse for being a disconnected dad at the end of the day.

My main goal in parenting is to raise children who become productive, mature, Jesus-loving adults. My day job is important but it’s the nights and weekends where my true legacy will show up. Your family should clearly know your time with them is the most important part of the day.

A key to having more energy at home is to slow down. Slowing down helps you be fully present and engaged. 

I still give myself a pep talk sometimes. But then, I take a deep breath and walk through the door to hear the excited yell of “Daddy!” I know that one day I will walk through the door and not hear that anymore. 

My job can always find someone else to replace me, but my kids can never hire another dad. This is their only childhood and I’m going to make it count.

Is the most important part of your day when you get home? Do your children know? 

Scripture: Ephesians 6:4

Wrapup

So, now we’ve looked at ten of the most-pressing challenges from dads—and how we can conquer them. I want to look back with a recap and a reminder—a promise—for you as a dad. You do not have to walk around feeling overwhelmed, like a failure or alone. You are not alone. We are here to help you. 

In the past few days, you’ve read the following challenges from dads—now read the challenge along with the promise from Scripture. 

Challenge #1 You’re not sure whether you’re winning or losing. 

“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” —Proverbs 22:6

You can know if you’re winning or losing—and how you can actually win.

Challenge #2 Culture’s pulling your child away.

“My dearly loved brothers, understand this: everyone should be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger…”—James 1:19

There is a war going on. If you aren’t fighting it—you’re losing. You can win the battle between culture and your child.

Challenge #3 You feel distant from your child.

“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” —Ephesians 6:4.

You can learn how to connect with your child like never before.

Challenge #4 You’re living with failure and regret.

“For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.” —Romans 7:18

You don’t have to live in your past failure or walk around with regret. You can overcome it.

Challenge #5 You’re always angry.

“Be angry and do not sin. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger, and don’t give the devil an opportunity.” —Ephesians 4:26-27 (CSB)

“Let all bitterness, anger and wrath, shouting and slander be removed from you, along with all malice. And be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as God also forgave you in Christ.” —Ephesians 4:31-32 (CSB)

You can learn how to inject grace and peace into your family.

Challenge #6 Your child feels distant from you. 

“The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out.” —Proverbs 20:5 (NIV)

You can break the barriers and pull your child closer by asking smarter questions.

Challenge #7 You’re fighting the wrong enemy.

“…our struggle is not against flesh and blood.” —Ephesians 6:12

There is an enemy. It’s not who you’re fighting now. Learn to fight the right enemy so you win the real war.

Challenge #8 You’ve failed in the past and you’re not sure what to do. 

“Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong.” —1 Corinthians 16:13

You can turn your past failures into gospel conversations.

Challenge #9 You’re overwhelmed and unfocused. 

“Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore, do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.” —Ephesians 5:15-17 

You can be intentional at home and in life.

Challenge #10 You don’t have enough energy for work and home. 

“So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all for the glory of God.” —1 Corinthians 10:31

You can have enough energy to thrive at work and home.

I trust you’ve been encouraged and challenged over these last few days. Imagine walking around feeling confident and focused—knowing you were doing what God calls you to do as a husband and father. We think by reading this plan, you’re on the right track. You can do this. We’ll be here to help walk with you.