Acts 15:22-41 | Church Hurt

Scriptures: Acts 13:1-13, Acts 15:36-41, 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

From everything we can tell, Paul and Barnabas were close. They taught together. They traveled together. They were commissioned together. They were sent out to spread the word of the Lord together. They witnessed miracles together, participated in the Lord’s work together, suffered persecution together, and watched people come to Christ together. When nobody else trusted Paul, Barnabas vouched for him. When the church needed help in Antioch, Barnabas recruited Paul. They were theologically aligned, shared the same ministry values, and each deeply loved the Lord.

You’d think they were inseparable.

So when we come to the end of Acts 15, what we read is all the more painful.

“Some time later Paul said to Barnabas, ‘Let us go back and visit the believers in all the towns where we preached the word of the Lord and see how they are doing.’ Barnabas wanted to take John, also called Mark, with them, but Paul did not think it wise to take him, because he had deserted them in Pamphylia and had not continued with them in the work. They had such a sharp disagreement that they parted company” (Acts 15:36-39).

They had such a sharp disagreement, that they parted company.

In this case, it’s over another person in the church who was one of their missionary companions, a person named John, also known as Mark. We meet Mark in Acts 12 when Peter takes refuge in his mother’s house, and he may be the same Mark who wrote the Gospel that goes by that name. You can almost imagine him getting caught up in youthful zeal over all that God was doing and wanting to share in the ministry, and maybe like Peter once did with Jesus, even vowing to give his life for it. We find out in Colossians that Mark is Barnabas’s cousin. You can imagine Barnabas wanting to give his cousin a chance. You can imagine Paul taking a chance on “this kid,” and going along with it.

He travels with Paul and Barnabas on the start of their missionary journey, but leaves them before it really gets started. He gets as far as Cyprus (that’s where Barnabas is from), but leaves them before they even make it to the mainland. Acts doesn’t tell us why. All it tells us is that he left them to return to Jerusalem (Acts 13:13).

Maybe Mark bit off more than he could chew. Maybe he failed to count the cost. Maybe the journey proved not to be as glamorous as he had hoped. Maybe he got disillusioned over how their message was received in the synagogues, or spooked over the whole showdown with the Jewish sorcerer named Bar-Jesus. Maybe he was simply a flighty young person who thought this trip work would be a spiritual adventure without realizing that it would also include the day-to-day drudgery and hardship any working missionary will tell you about. Or maybe he just wanted a trip to Cyprus.

Who knows. What we do know is that a sharp disagreement over Mark led to deep hurt between Paul and Barnabas.

It’s often those closest to us that hurt us the most.

It’s often those closest to us that divide us.

Sharp things hurt.

What we see in Acts 15 is church hurt.

Church hurt happens.

Anyone who’s experienced church hurt doesn’t need it defined. We know what it looks like, and we know what it feels like all too well. Church hurt can cut deeper than other hurts because Jesus’s church is meant to be a place of healing and hope. So when it isn’t, it hurts all the more. Church hurt destroys relationships. It destroys faith. It is a leading cause of why people stop going to church. It sticks with you and isn’t easily shaken. It brings us face-to-face with the ugliness of sin. Church hurt has a way of imprinting itself on the soul.

Maybe you’ve been hurt in the church. You’re not alone. It stretches back all the way to Paul and Barnabas and continues wherever you find the church today.

Sometimes that hurt is superficial. Other times it runs deep. Hopefully this five-day plan can help prepare you for the inevitability of church hurt, serve as a guide through your hurt, and even help you in the healing process. There’s no way a plan like this can ever delve into all the nuances of your specific type of church hurt, especially if there is deep trauma, nor substitute for the hard work of processing it. But perhaps it can give some perspective on the hurt you might have experienced, be experiencing, or possibly one day experience.

Our hope is that church hurt is not the end of faith, but the beginning of a new and deeper chapter in your walk with Christ.

Today, read the writings of a few excerpts of the account of Paul, Barnabas, and Mark. Then start by assessing your own church hurt, or how you may have witnessed others get hurt. What wounds do you carry, what hurt are you experiencing, or what injuries are you seeing in others? The path of healing begins by admitting where we’re hurting and bringing it to God.

Scriptures: Psalms 35:22-27, Psalms 17:1-2, Psalms 37:5-11, John 10:10

There is a certain kind of church hurt that’s different than most. These are the instances when someone has been the victim of extreme or systematic sin through no fault of their own. Sexual or physical abuse from a church leader. A predator in a church. Or involvement in a group with cult-like tendencies that seek to manipulate, control, or coerce for their own agenda or personal gain. Sometimes it’s not that extreme, but nearly as damaging, like teaching or counsel that is just plain wrong and contributes to a harmful end, or a local church practice that ignores or propagates evil situations.

That is not the kind of church hurt we’re focusing on in this plan. That is not the kind of church hurt we see with Paul and Barnabas. We lead with this today because while this is a plan on Acts 15, it’s also a plan on church hurt, and this kind of hurt is real. It’s out there. And you might have possibly experienced it. The pain and trauma it brings can be unimaginable and leave scars long after the wounds have been delivered. Never make light of that pain. You have endured. The good news is that even out of these experiences, Jesus can bring healing and hope.

In those instances, get safe, bring whatever is in the darkness into the light, and work with someone personally to process it all and start your rebuilding process.

Jesus says this: “This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God” (John 3:19-21).

Jesus also says this: “Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves” (Matthew 7:15).

While this level of church hurt is in the minority, it is a sad reality that Jesus’s church is sometimes distorted and infiltrated by sinful people intent on evil things.

It can be easy to go underground. Don’t. There is no shame. If something criminal has happened, report it. If something traumatic happened, share it with someone trusted. Bring darkness into light. It is the way of Jesus and may even have the positive effect of protecting others from similar hurt.

There’s a thirst for vindication in times like these. It’s right to have it. Wrong has been done and God has wired into us a need and desire for justice. The psalms are filled with cries for vindication. Today, we’ll read a few.

There’s no guarantee what will come of bringing the darkness into the light. It may lead to vindication. It may not. Bring it to light anyway. As followers of Jesus, we’re called to do what is right more than what is expedient. Just don’t be surprised if it doesn’t heal all wounds. It rarely does. That comes about through the long, hard work of rebuilding right thinking, processing feelings, learning to forgive enemies without justifying their behavior, and shifting from a mindset of a victim to a victor.

People of God have found themselves on the receiving end of this kind of hurt since the time of Cain and Abel. You are not alone. No matter what happens, know God sees, and will judge in the end.

Scriptures: Colossians 3:12-14, Romans 12:10-18

Sometimes church hurt comes from a person who is clearly in the wrong; other times it’s due to honest disagreement and difference of opinion. The former comes from clear, biblical sin. The latter has more to do with competing values, personalities, life experiences, or intuitions. The problem is when we think the latter is the former. Because it hurts, we can be tempted to treat the latter like the former. Let’s not make this mistake and disrespect those who have actually faced the former kind of trauma by equating our church hurts with theirs. 

The latter is what we see in Acts 15, and far more common in the church today. 

Paul and Barnabas split ways over John Mark, who abandoned them. What’s painful is that both Paul and Barnabas probably had valid points. 

You can imagine how Mark hurt Barnabas by letting him down after Barnabas stuck his neck out for him. 

You can imagine how Mark hurt Paul after investing into him. 

You can imagine how Paul hurt Mark by not giving him a second chance. 

You can imagine how Paul hurt Barnabas by not supporting his relative. 

You can imagine how Barnabas hurt Paul by putting a family member who failed them ahead of the mission and ahead of their partnership. 

Who’s right here? Who knows. It’s just a sea of hurt. 

Church hurt is inevitable. Where two or three gather in Jesus’s name, there will be interpersonal conflicts, competing wills, and differences of opinion. Dinging each other, unintentionally hurting each other, and offending each other are all part of life together in the Christian experience. 

As Christians, we share the same Lord, but we do not share the same values, personalities, or life experiences. This means some Christians will infuriate you. Some will bother you; some will bug you; some will get under your skin. At times you won’t be able to believe that they believe in the same thing as you do. Some people will simply drive you nuts. How many times have you been driven nuts by another Christian? If it hasn’t happened to you, just go deeper into relationships with people at your church. 

Church hurt is the tax that has to be paid on doing real life together. And that’s what Christians are called to do—transcend superficial relationships and do real life together. When we do real life together, it inevitably brings about conflict. 

Think about this. Who do you fight with the most? Your spouse, or casual friends? Who drives you nuts more than anyone? Your parents or kids or siblings, or people you casually meet? You know the answer to that. Christians are called brothers and sisters in Christ. We should expect to disagree. We should expect conflict. When we do life together in close proximity, when we make ourselves vulnerable to other people, when we truly share life together and not just a social media status, a hello at work, or involvement in some peripheral activities, conflict happens. 

Many of Paul’s New Testament letters are written to help the early church work through this. His words in Colossians 3:14 can guide us. 

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity” (Colossians 3:12-14).

The disagreement that came between Paul and Barnabas led them to split up and go their separate ways. Sometimes that becomes necessary, even healthy. But not until we do the hard work of Colossians 3. To do less is to miss our Christian calling. Those who refuse to practice Colossians 3 often find themselves without any real friendships or meaningful relationships. Out of fear of getting hurt, they stay distant from others and distant from the church, or jump ship every 18 months – bouncing from church to church and relationship to relationship when conflict inevitably comes. 

Jesus invites us to another way.

Scriptures: Hebrews 4:12, 1 John 1:6-10, Matthew 7:3-5, 2 Corinthians 13:5

People love to hate the church. It’s not just non-Christians. It’s fashionable among Christians too. Disappointed with the church, angry with the church, hurt by the church… They’re common complaints. Sometimes they’re legitimate. More often, they stem from our own false expectations. And sometimes, it’s even of our own making. 

Think of all the ways people set themselves up for church hurt through false expectations. 

Some people imagine church as an idealized, storybook kindergarten where everybody gets along. When reality doesn’t match that expectation, they find themselves cold-cocked by an unrealized fantasy that God never promised. 

Others have a distorted view of conflict. They think conflict is inherently bad, so they avoid it at all costs. They don’t realize that conflict is inevitable in any meaningful relationship, even healthy. They don’t realize that the issue isn’t conflict, but howconflict is handled. So when conflict is experienced, they’re shaken, which leads to anger or pain. 

Others think church will solve all their problems. It can’t. And when it doesn’t, it hurts. Like Jesus says in his parable, “Like seed sown on rocky places, [some] hear the word and at once receive it with joy. But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away” (Mark 4:16-17). 

Others believe that by going to church, they’re entering into a bargain with God. When he doesn’t respond to their feeble gesture with mighty miracles, they find themselves more put off by God and the church than they did at first. 

Others assume everyone at a church is a Christian. That everyone is sanctified, that everyone is friends, and everyone is committed. They fail to see that churches are hospitals for spiritually sick people and forget others are on a spiritual journey too. So when people don’t treat them in a perfect way, they get angry, judge the church, and walk away. 

But even here the church can’t win. Because as soon as a church insists on any level of holiness, as soon as it meaningfully addresses sin, people label it judgmental, puritanical, or unwelcoming. They claim the church hurt them, because it hurts to be confronted with your sin. If you allow sinners in a church, they’ll hurt you. If you exclude sinners who can hurt others in a church, it may exclude you. 

Still others lack basic relationship skills. They think that by showing up some Sunday, everyone will magically be their friend, despite the fact that they don’t say hi to anybody, isolate themselves in a corner, hide behind their phone, or don’t take the time to get involved or consistently build relationships. They think relationships magically happen, and are surprised when new connections in a church are not instantly as deep as lifelong friendships they forged over years in childhood. 

The list goes on…

When challenged on it, rarely will anyone actually say they believe these false expectations, but secretly in our hearts, these kinds of false expectations set in. 

How about you? Do any of these fit the bill? 

And then there’s our contribution. It’s easy to look at how others may have hurt us, but where are we responsible for causing church hurt? 

People aren’t perfect, including groups of people like churches. Neither are you. 

If you think your church is perfect, you’re not looking hard enough. 

If you ever find a perfect church, move on. You won’t be able to tolerate it there. 

If you ever find a perfect church, don’t join it. You’ll only mess it up. 

Far more than pointing out the flaws of another, Jesus invites us to examine ourselves. If we were as quick to repent of our own sins as we are to notice those in others, the church would be a better place. 

Acts 15 says the disagreement between Paul and Barnabas was sharp. Sharp things hurt. Hebrews 4 says the word of God is sharper than any two-edged sword. God will challenge us, convict us, and tell us things we don’t want to hear. 

Sometimes church hurt is nothing more than our inability to come to terms with what we don’t want God telling us. It definitely hurts, but here’s what God wants us to do. Repent. Seek him. Allow him to confront you. Trust him in it. Any church worth belonging to will foster this. Any church worth belonging to should make you feel uncomfortable in the right kind of way. 

It hurts, but it’s necessary. Like circumcision, God seeks to cut off part of our calloused soul. It can certainly be painful in the process, but necessary for receptivity to the work of the Holy Spirit in you.

Scriptures: Ephesians 4:1-6, Ephesians 4:22-32

If you’re going to be a part of the body of Christ, church hurt is inevitable. Let’s finish this week by recapping what to do when you experience it. 

1. Embrace that it’s inevitable. Church hurt is inevitable. Don’t delude yourself into thinking that it can be avoided. It’s how you handle it that matters. Like relationships, disagreement with other people in a church is inevitable. Don’t be afraid of it. Learn how to deal with it in healthy ways when it comes. Turn the other cheek. Seek to reconcile. Practice Matthew 18 and Colossians 3. This will be the biggest testimony to the world. 
2. Process it. When church hurt happens, we want to get over it, but that doesn’t always come easy. Healing is a process. And ironically what the church is for – to help people heal, regain perspective, and get challenged against their own self-righteousness in the process. Take time in prayer. Work with your pastor or elders. Work through the pain. Practice forgiveness daily until it sticks. 
3. Examine where you’re the cause of it. Those who berate church drama are often the greatest cause of it. If you say that you don’t like drama, take a hard look at where you create, instigate, or propagate it. It’s just possible that part of the issue lies with you. As Jesus said, first pay attention to the log in your own eye before looking at the speck in your brother’s. Be quick to apologize, quick to repent, and quick to reach out if you fear you’ve offended. Humble yourself. God will lift you up in due time. 
4. Get over it. This sounds harsh, but is sometimes the single biggest truth. People who can’t get over a past slight or wound are forever plagued by anger and hurt. Let it go. You can dwell in the misery of injustice and unforgiveness, or get on with it. Easier said than done, to be sure. But there’s an attitudinal shift that’s important. You’re not strong enough to carry every hurt. Imagine if others did the same with the hurts you inflict. The way of Christ is the way of resiliency that is no longer destroyed by every careless wound or obsessed with some personal entitlement. 
5. When there’s clear wrong, confront it. Again, Matthew 18 gives a template for how to do this. In the harsher examples we mentioned earlier in this plan, bring the darkness into the light. 
6. Part ways. That’s what Paul and Barnabas did. It’s never the first choice, and should only come after all other options are expended. But as Jesus said, new wine bursts old wineskins. Sometimes there will come a point and be a certain incompatibility that make it better to go separate ways. Sometimes there comes a point to find a new church. If you find yourself coming to that time and place, do so slowly, deliberately, and intentionally. Not in anger, self-righteousness, or in a huff. Go with grace, peace, and blessing. Don’t just disappear. Let your pastor know. Let those you are in relationships know too. Because no matter what local church you belong to, these people are still your brothers and sisters in Christ. You are still part of one body. That’s what Paul did. Here’s what he says at the end of his life while in a Roman prison: “My fellow prisoner Aristarchus sends you his greetings, as does Mark, the cousin of Barnabas. (You have received instructions about him; if he comes to you, welcome him.)” – Colossians 4:10. Paul, Barnabas, and Mark may have gone their separate ways, but they remained brothers – serving each other, loving each other, and lifting each other up. It will still hurt, but it will be a hurt that fosters healing.