Experiencing betrayal by a spouse can be deeply traumatic. Sadly, many Christians walk through the horrible aftermath of betrayal without guidance or support. This devotional was written to encourage, support, and guide hurting spouses on their journey to healing.
We would like to thank Heather Kolb of Pure Desire Ministries in Troutdale, Oregon, and El Centro Network for providing this plan.
Day 1
Scriptures: Psalms 34:18, Romans 8:38-39, Matthew 28:20
The Aftershock of Betrayal
Earthquakes can devastate whole cities with their sudden and violent force. If severe enough, a single earthquake can propel objects into the air and cause critical damage to homes, buildings, and other infrastructure. Imagine what it would be like to experience one of these firsthand.
Now, imagine this: after enduring one earthquake, another quake shakes the ground around you, further destabilizing you and your surroundings. You would be experiencing something called an aftershock. These aftershocks come as secondary seismic events—the effect of displaced earth adjusting to the effects of the first earthquake’s shock.
If you’ve ever experienced spousal betrayal or read studies on trauma and the effects of betrayal, then you can see a connection between betrayal and the scenario imagined above. Like an earthquake, the revelation of a spouse’s lies or infidelity can come suddenly and violently, leaving unimaginable damage in its wake. The aftershocks that follow are the shifts in thoughts, emotions, and relationships betrayed spouses have to navigate as they begin to absorb the effects of the betrayal. For many, these aftershocks bring about feelings of rejection, devastation, humiliation, shame, anger, isolation, and more. Betrayed spouses feel out of control and powerless, unsure what to do now that they’ve been so severely let down by someone they trust.
Can you relate? Has your world been shaken by the revelation of your spouse’s betrayal or infidelity? Are you reeling from the aftershocks, wondering what to do, how to feel, and how to heal from this awful pain? This devotional is for you. You don’t have to walk through this alone. In fact, you shouldn’t walk through this alone. You are more vulnerable now than ever, and the devil, your enemy, wants nothing more than to tempt you toward hiding and isolation. Being the lionlike predator that he is, he knows prey is easiest to pursue when it is alone. Remember, God promises never to leave or forsake you. He promises to be near the brokenhearted. Keep promises like these close to your heart and surround yourself with a support system. There is power in community and in realizing you are not alone.
Betrayal is not the end of your story. Healing is possible and available to you. It all starts with one step. Let that step be toward God and community. You are not alone.
Thought of the Day: I am seen and known by a God who loves me. I can trust Him with everything that’s broken in my life right now. I can also seek the prayers and support of people I trust who will continue to point me to the truth of God’s love.
Day 2
Scriptures: Romans 8:16, Psalms 139:13-15, Luke 12:6-7
Remember Who You Are
One of the sad effects of spousal betrayal is the damage it does to the betrayed spouse’s self-image. All too often, the betrayed husband or wife sees their partner’s behavior as a sign of their inadequacy. They internalize a level of shame and self-condemnation, turning to thoughts like:
- It’s because I travel for work, sometimes weeks at a time; it drove my spouse into the arms of another.
- I’ve put on some extra weight; I know this is why my spouse doesn’t want to have sex with me.
- I’m not as _____ as other men/women; it’s no wonder my spouse went looking for emotional connection with someone else.
- I was pregnant and had a baby; I’m sure this contributed to my spouse’s pornography use.
- I was devastated by my parent’s unexpected death. I physically and emotionally withdrew from my spouse. That’s why they had an affair.
This list is endless. There are a myriad of ways a betrayed spouse takes on the blame for their spouse’s behavior. Maybe as you read this list, you’re beginning to recognize some of the shame you’ve been carrying.
The truth is your spouse’s behavior has very little to do with you. They sinned against you, not because of you. As you process what’s been done, it’s important that you remember who you are and whose you are. A sense of your God-given identity and self-worth will keep you from spiraling into self-blame, shame, and condemnation. This is because identity is a powerful thing. The enemy knows this. He will do whatever he can to try and convince you that you are worthless, broken, deficient, and deserving of the wrong that’s been done to you. The devil has been a deceiver from the beginning, and he continues to use lies like this to hurt God’s children.
What we must do when we begin to hear these thoughts of self-condemnation is to speak aloud the words of Scripture that remind us of who we are in Christ. We are loved by God, valued by our Creator, and chosen by our Savior. We are fearfully and wonderfully made, and our future is secure in God’s loving and capable hands. Don’t lose yourself in the chaos of life after betrayal. Know who you are and trust that God still has a plan for you.
Thought of the Day: When thoughts of self-condemnation and feelings of shame come over me, I will remember who I am and whose I am. I am a child of God; I am loved, seen, and valued by my heavenly Father.
Day 3
Scriptures: Psalms 147:3, Philippians 4:6-7, Isaiah 26:3
Your Feelings and Your Healing
Doctors spend years learning about the bones, organs, and systems of the human body. This is because they know the best way to treat a body is to treat it as a whole. They can’t treat the head without thinking through repercussions for the lungs, or recommend a treatment for the legs that ignores potential effects to the heart. When it comes to healing from betrayal, we should keep the doctor’s approach in mind. The temptation many betrayed spouses give into is to separate themselves from their emotions. They try to heal without dealing with what they feel. This never works. We have to allow ourselves to heal as a whole—emotions and all.
On the surface, pushing deep and difficult emotions aside makes sense. Emotions can be exhausting, so stuffing down a never-ending stream of emotions can seem logical, if not simply practical. You might be more productive and able to stay on task if you suppress and disregard your feelings. However, this is not sustainable. Much like a wound you ignore, expecting it to heal on its own, unprocessed emotions become infectious and end up contaminating all areas of your life.
Of course, you don’t want to give in to every emotion you feel, either. Especially when there are days when you are so overwhelmed by pain and grief, all you can do is cry, or days the anger you feel reaches a pinnacle and erupts on the people around you. After the shock of betrayal, you feel intense emotions—extreme highs and lows, some of which you’ve never felt before. So, if hiding from your emotions isn’t the answer, and giving into emotions isn’t the answer either, what should you do?
Begin to develop emotional awareness. This is imperative to your healing and will help you gain a sense of healthy control in your life. Learning to identify and make sense of your feelings takes time. Thoughts and feelings logs are helpful tools when trying to grow your emotional awareness. You write out your thoughts (in one sentence) and your feelings (in one word). This can help you to name what you’re feeling and process those emotions in a healthy way. You can also pray, speak to a friend, or write out your thoughts and feelings in a less structured way in a diary or a journal. Do what works for you. Anything that allows you to face your emotions is a great place to start!
Thought of the Day: God wants to heal the whole me, so I’m not going to run away from my emotions or let them control me. I will trust this area of my life to God and use the tools available to me to better understand how I feel as God helps me to heal.
Day 4
Scriptures: 1 Corinthians 6:19-20, 3 John 1:2, James 1:17
Taking Care of You
When a boat begins to sink, sometimes the best thing to do is throw the ship’s cargo out into the sea. This helps remove any unnecessary weight, and gives the boat a chance to stabilize and stay afloat. After the trauma of betrayal, self-care is a lot like the cargo tossed off a boat. It’s one of the first things that gets pushed aside, causing betrayed spouses to neglect themselves and their needs as they try to survive. But no one can stay in survival mode forever. As you begin to pursue healing, you must make room for self-care again, and start taking care of yourself.
Self-care is intended to help you regain or establish behaviors that help you feel safe and calm throughout your healing process. When you feel out of control and overwhelmed, self-care behaviors will help you stay calm and respond to the stress in a way that protects your physical, emotional, and mental health. It will take time and intention to create a self-care plan that works best for you, but here are a few practices to get you started.
- Get consistent quality sleep each night.
- Eat healthy meals on a regular basis.
- Schedule time for exercise throughout the week.
- Speak kindly to and about yourself (through positive self-talk).
- Give yourself grace and compassion (avoid self-judgment).
- Cultivate a healthy community with safe people.
- Join a support group for betrayed spouses.
- Attend a Bible study for spiritual growth.
- Start a gratitude journal.
It’s possible that in the midst of everything you’re going through, the thought of putting energy into self-care might feel overwhelming. You may have children to take care of, a job to go to, and other responsibilities that demand your time and attention. But before you dismiss self-care altogether, just know that this is not an all-or-nothing process. Start by picking one thing from the list above and try it for a few weeks. If you’ve found a safe person to walk through betrayal with you, invite them to participate in your new self-care endeavors. Having support and encouragement will enhance your healing. Self-care might feel a little uncomfortable at first, and it may take extra effort, but you’re worth it!
Thought of the Day: Moving from simply surviving to healing and thriving requires me to take care of myself. I am dearly loved by God and my trusted family and friends. Self-care will be a way that I can love myself too.
Day 5
Scriptures: Proverbs 3:5-6, Psalms 23:4, Isaiah 41:10
Moving Forward Takes Time
One thing that makes navigating betrayal so challenging is the fear of the unknown. After the revelation of a spouse’s infidelity or deception, it may be hard to know what to do next. You try to find your bearings, work to make sense of what’s happening, stabilize yourself emotionally and mentally, keep up with your daily responsibilities, all while you carry the weight of the unknown. No doubt, your mind is flooded with questions:
- Will I ever be able to trust my spouse again?
- How long will it take for things to get back to normal?
- Is my marriage going to last?
- What do I tell my child(ren)?
There are so many questions and no easy answers. One thing is certain though: this journey of healing and recovery takes time. As much as we love instant things in our culture, this is a reality we have to accept. As you look out on the journey ahead, consider these options as healthy next steps on the road to healing. They may not make the journey shorter, but they will certainly make it easier:
- Join a support group. Pure Desire offers online groups for men and women who have experienced betrayal: for women, Betrayal & Beyond groups; for men, Hope for Men groups.
- Set healthy boundaries. Set boundaries around your physical, emotional, and
mental health. - Resist policing your spouse. Invest in yourself and put your efforts and energy into your healing.
- Stay spiritually connected. Find spiritual support through family, friends, your local church, or other resources like Pure Desire Ministries.
- Be intentional with big decisions. Before making any big changes, get wise counsel from a mentor, pastor, or professional counselor.
- Seek professional counseling. For some who experience betrayal, the idea of telling anyone is horrifying. Meeting with a counselor one-on-one may be the best place to start.
Don’t be afraid. Take the next step toward healing and discover a life free from the effects of betrayal trauma. This is the life God created for you.
Thought of the Day: The road ahead of me may be long, but I know God is with me. I will take intentional steps, day by day, trusting that my healing is closer every day.