Calming Anger

Scripture: James 1:19-20

Why do I get so angry?Anger. Frustration. Irritation.We all feel it from time to time. Sometime it just explodes—at our kids, our spouse, our co-workers—and we wonder if there’s something dark lurking inside us. 

Anger doesn’t have to run—or ruin—your life. In fact, if you learn to manage anger correctly it can give insight into areas of your life where you’re living short of all God intends for you. The thing you probably want answered first is, “Why do I get so angry?”The simple answer is: You get angry because you have some hopes and dreams for yourself and your family, but all around you are threats to those dreams. When you get angry at something happening to you, it’s always because of something happening inside you. Anger isn’t a sin. It’s just a sign. It’s a sign that one of your hopes and dreams is being threatened.

There are three specific hopes and dreams that we all have. We want:

1. Security: (physical, financial, emotionally)2. Connection: (relationships, feeling valued and accepted)3. Control: (feeling empowered to make choices and have options)We get angry when we feel one of those three is being threatened. 

When you start feeling that threat, your brain energy shifts away from your prefrontal cortex (the problem-solving part of your brain.) At that point, all rational and reasonable thought basically shuts down. So we have to step away, take a deep breath, calm down, and get thinking straight again. 

That’s what the Apostle James is talking about in today’s verse: “let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” (James 1:19-20, ESV)

Take a moment right now and think about practical and healthy ways you can calm yourself down when you get angry or irritated—things like prayer, breathing deeply, or taking a walk – so you respond in a way that doesn’t turn your anger into sin.

Write down today’s verse and keep it handy. When you start feeling angry, read the verse a few times, then calm yourself down in a healthy way. 

Scripture: Proverbs 15:1

Calm the Roaring Lion of Anger

I was a few cars back at a stoplight recently and the light turned green, but nobody moved. I patiently waited for 1.7 seconds, then I laid on my horn. Why are we not moving?! The guy in front of me offered a conciliatory gesture with his middle finger. I kept honking. Then I saw it: An older gentleman was rolling across the intersection as fast as he could in a wheelchair.

I felt foolish. I didn’t have all the facts; I just reacted. I felt a threat to my sense of control over the situation. Laying on that horn made me feel like I was doing something—back in control—but I regretted it in the end. I’ve learned the hard way that it’s best to approach situations that are making us angry like a paranoid cat—cautiously, tiptoeing, with eyes wide open. Assume there is something happening behind the scenes that you don’t realize. You can turn into a lion later, if needed. But if you go in roaring like a lion, without all the facts, you could end up looking really foolish or can make the situation even worse by creating anger and hurt in those around you. King Solomon says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1, NIV) Anger tends to stir up more anger. But responding in the opposite spirit—with gentleness and calmness—brings peace. It can be hard to stay calm when we get angry, but if we want to bring peace we have to choose our words carefully when we get angry. But to choose your words, you have to step away, slow down, and calm down. 

When you feel yourself getting angry today, rather than reacting, start by asking: What am I not understanding about this situation? You’ll probably find there are some details you didn’t know. If things really are what you thought, you’ll be able to approach it with a gentle and controlled response, which means you’ll have a much better chance of resolving the situation in a healthy way.  

Scriptures: Ephesians 4:31-32, Genesis 4:4-7

Using Anger for Good

There are 1,189 chapters in the Bible. Anger shows up by chapter four. Anger kicked in right after Adam and Eve were removed from Eden. Their sons Cain and Abel offer a sacrifice to God, but God rejects Cain’s offering. Cain got angry. 

God warned Cain that if he didn’t properly manage his anger he was in serious danger. His anger pointed to something deep within him that needed to be dealt with. At that moment, Cain had a choice: use his anger for good or evil. 

Anger is just a sign that something needs to be addressed. It can be used for good or evil. 

Jesus got angry. He stormed through the courtyard of the temple in Jerusalem overturning tables. He was angry about how the religious leaders were abusing people. That was righteous anger. That’s the kind of anger that’s a force to confront injustice and defend the oppressed. You’ve probably felt anger at injustice—seeing a child being emotionally or physically abused, observing someone taking advantage of the poor. Seeing these things makes you want to take action. Like Jesus, we should get angry when we see injustice, and when it’s within our power to do something, we should act. That is truly righteous anger. Righteous anger is real, but it’s rare. 

I’ve manhandled a few tables in my time, but I can’t say it was because I was standing up for the weak. Hardly. It was because I had unmet expectations or felt a threat to my security, connection, or control. Can you relate? The Apostle Paul said, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:31-32) When we get angry at situations that threaten our security, connection, or control it tends to lead to unrighteous anger and bitterness, and all the other negative responses Paul mentions in that verse. But anger can also be used as for good when we see it as a warning light that there is something we need to surrender to God. Whether it’s security, connection, or control, God’s love is the source. We’ll only find those things in Him. So, when we get angry, if we’ll control it and consult that anger, it’s a chance to learn a little bit about the deeper parts of our emotions. It can actually lead us to understand ourselves better and remind us of our need for God and the security, connection, and control only He can give. 

Today, use those situations that make you angry as a chance to check in with your emotions and talk to God about them. 

Scripture: Psalms 139:23-24

Know Your Triggers 

Anger isn’t a sin, it’s just a sign. And when you see a sign, you need to pay attention. The sign is trying to tell you something important. 

God created us to need security, connection, and a sense of control (free will). But he wanted us to get those needs met directly from him. Sin messed that up, but Jesus reconnected us to God through his sacrifice and forgiveness. With the relationship restored, we have access to all we need in God. So, when we start getting angry about not getting our need met from someone or something around us, it’s a sign pointing us to an area we need to surrender to God, the only one who can really meet that need. 

Because of our past experiences and upbringing, we usually have one area of security, connection, or control that makes us super sensitive. When we don’t have it, or it seems like we are being threatened in that area, we just react. 

We need to know ourselves and what makes us angry. Thomas a Kempis said, “A humble knowledge of thyself is a surer way to God than a deep search after learning.”  

That’s what King David was talking about in today’s verse when he says: Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. (Psalm 139:23, NIV)

Keep a piece of paper handy today and whenever you feel yourself getting angry,  after you calm down, write down what was happening when you started getting angry. See if you can connect it to feeling threatened in security, connection, or control. Keep track of your angry moments and you’ll start to see a pattern. 

When you know patterns of what makes you angry, you can either avoid those kinds of situations, or, if you can’t avoid the situation, you can go in mentally prepared. (I always have to give myself a pep talk before driving in rush hour traffic.) 

Know your triggers and you’ll soon find your angry episodes will become fewer and fewer. And, in the process, you’ll be looking to God more, the true source of your security, connection, and control. 

Scripture: Ephesians 4:26

You’ve Gotta Express It

The first major mountain I ever climbed was a 12,340-foot volcano with a strange name: Agua, which means “water” in Spanish.

The volcano has been dormant for hundreds of years, but that didn’t keep it from wiping out an entire city. On September 10, 1541, after weeks of rain, the entire crater of the dormant volcano had filled with water and turned into a giant lake. The side of the volcano couldn’t hold the pressure anymore and collapsed. A giant river of mud and water washed down the side of the volcano, destroying the city below. An inactive volcano destroyed a city!

That’s a pretty good picture of what happens when we don’t learn to express our anger. Anger doesn’t just go away. If it isn’t expressed it’ll just build up—like a lake. But at some point the pressure has to be released and, if it’s out of control, it can become a destructive force.

That’s why it’s so important to express anger in a healthy, controlled way. 

Sometimes we think that to be a loving person we just have to absorb or passively accept what bothered us and never say anything about it. But you can speak the truth about how something bothered you and still be loving and forgiving. The key is, you need to decide beforehand that you’ll forgive and let it go, even if they respond negatively when you share how an action affected you.  

When the Apostle Paul says, “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. (Ephesians 4:26, NIV) he’s talking about the importance of releasing anger correctly, so it doesn’t cause harm or let resentment build. 

Anger is secondary emotion, but to properly express it we have to express what we felt right before we got angry. Primary emotions are words like “embarrassed, ignored, attacked, belittled.” 

When you feel yourself getting angry, take some time to calm down, then figure out what you felt right before you got angry. Express that emotion. “I felt ________.” Don’t blame. Just express how it made you feel before you felt anger. Remember, they probably didn’t intend to make you mad. If your kids aren’t old enough to process what you’re saying, you may just need to be content with a little more self-knowledge. But armed with that knowledge, you can use that skill to help your kids process their own emotions of anger. 

Don’t let your anger build into something destructive. Stay calm, choose your words carefully, but make sure you express what you felt right before you got angry. Release the pressure. Then replace that feeling with forgiveness.  

Scripture: Proverbs 22:3

Develop a Plan

Before we bought our home we hired an inspector who gave us a full report of potential issues with the house. Based on his consultation, we knew what we needed to watch for. Like that inspector, anger can be a great personal consultant. It can show you the threats to your security, connection, and control that tend to create problems for you. 

When you know those root causes, you can develop a plan for how to prepare and stay calm when you get into situations that could potentially trigger your anger.  If I know I’m going to hit heavy traffic (and my wife won’t be in the car wanting quality time together), I have an audiobook cued up.When I’m going to the doctor, I clear my entire schedule for the day and that evening. (Not really, but sometimes it feels like I should!)  

If I know I’m going to miss a meal, I bring a snack so I don’t get “hangry.”  

When I know I’m going to talk to certain people (or see their posts on social media), I prepare myself for what they might say that could make me mad.  

I prepare things the night before to lessen the craziness of trying to get the family out the door in the morning.  

When I’ve been paying attention to my anger and know what situations in the past got me angry, I’m much less prone to getting irritated. You’ll need to do the same.  

King Solomon said, “The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty.” (Proverbs 22:3, NIV). You can avoid d-anger, when you have a game plan prepared beforehand. Prepare a game plan for how to remain patient in those situations that consistently lead to anger. 

Take some time today to think back on what has irritated you recently or made you angry. What could you do to prepare yourself so, next time you’re in a similar situation, you’ll be able to keep yourself calm. It may be as simple as giving yourself a mental pep-talk. Do whatever it takes to plan, in advance, how you are going to cut anger off at the pass. You can do this! 

Scripture: 1 John 4:18

Let Love Drive Out Your Fear (and Anger) 

Whenever you feel anger, you can be certain that there is fear behind it. Adam and Eve felt fear when sin separated them from God. Shortly after that, we see anger appear in the life of their sons Cain and Abel. The Bible makes it pretty clear: the sequence is always fear, then anger. 

So, to really deal with anger you’ve got to confront the deep fears we all have of not getting the security, connection, or control we want and need. God created us to get our basic needs met in his love. If we are looking for our spouse, our job, who we know, what we have, or what we do to give us that perfect fulfillment, it will always lead to more anxiety and anger. Only God’s love can fulfill our deepest needs. Only his love can drive out fear and anger. 

Anger is a powerful force that, if we channel it correctly, can bring awareness to the areas of our lives where we are looking for fulfillment from somewhere other than God. It can actually drive us to seek his love. 

Know that when you feel angry, there’s a fear that needs to be addressed. Use the signal of anger to help you see those areas of your life where you’re living with fear and aren’t walking in the fullness of all God has for you. 

I pray this devotional has helped you recognize where your anger comes from, how you can bring it under control, and how to actually use it to get a better understanding of yourself and the deeper parts of you that are looking for God’s love. Anger doesn’t have to run or ruin your life. You can replace anger with a deep understanding and experience of God’s perfect love.