Can We Talk? Biblical Counsel for All of Life

Scriptures: Matthew 12:34, Ephesians 4:17-32, Hebrews 12:15

How often have you thought or said something like, “I didn’t think before I spoke”? But Jesus said our main problem with our words is not that we speak without thinking, but that our words express what’s in our hearts. In other words, our mouths say only what has already been thought. 

If you want to communicate to strengthen your relationships rather than tear them apart, you must think biblically about your heart—the control center for all that we are and do. 

The Bible has a lot to say about communication. Below are our principles for living out your love for Jesus in communicating with others. 

Truth 1: Be Honest

While honesty is not easy, especially amid an emotionally charged conversation, Ephesians 4:25 explains that we must be honest because “we are members of one another.” The Bible says that wounds from a friend are faithful and much better than kisses from an enemy. 

Truth 2: Keep Current

Unresolved problems often lead to bitterness. Bitterness is evidenced when a problem is repeatedly brought up to criticize and condemn. Over time, the bitterness associated with unresolved problems grows large enough that no meaningful relationship is possible until the bitterness is faced and removed. 

Truth 3: Attack the Problem, Not the Person

Another common communication problem occurs when one person attacks another rather than attempting to deal with the problem at hand. Repeated personal attacks hurt the relationship and create new problems. Ephesians 4:29 tells us this behavior contradicts what God intends for our communication. Our words should be a conduit for grace, not conflict. 

Truth 4: Act, Don’t React

While there is much to discuss in Ephesians 4:31–32, two points stand out. First, certain responses (actions) should always be part of how we communicate— expressing gentleness, forgiveness, and kindness. Would your coworkers describe your communication this way? Would your spouse and children? 

Second, the passage explains that certain kinds of communication (reactions) are sinful and need to be stopped—expressing wrath and slander. Are you quick to point out others’ faults or use a harsh tone? Do you assume the worst of people and then share your thoughts with others, causing them to think the worst about people as well?

Scriptures: Proverbs 29:25, Deuteronomy 4:31, Romans 8:38-39, Ephesians 3:14-21, 1 John 4:18-19

Are you afraid of 

• Talking on the telephone? 
• Attending social events? 
• Being the center of attention? 

If you answered “Yes” to several of these, you probably consider yourself shy and might be labeled with social anxiety. 

Social anxiety refers to the tendency to be nervous or uncomfortable in social situations, usually because of a fear of doing something embarrassing or being judged negatively by others. It may be situation-specific or generalized and range in intensity from manageable to overwhelming. 

Most likely, your fear of being judged by others has caused you to erect a fortress of emotional protection around yourself to keep rejection at bay. You are the only one you feel safe with, the only one you have confidence in. This is ironic since self-confidence is the very thing you lack in social situations. 

Proverbs 29:25 says, “The fear of mankind is a snare, but the one who trusts in the Lord is protected.” So, we’re not looking for a new way to boost our self-confidence. Our safety will come from trusting in the Lord. He is faithful to every promise he has made (Ps 145:13) and upholds the cause of the oppressed (Ps 146:7). He is compassionate; he will not abandon those he loves (Dt 4:31). 

When we trust Jesus as our Savior and Lord, God’s perfect love is poured out on us. Then we become less vulnerable to the opinions of others. Instead, “we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us” (1Jn 4:16). When this happens, it begins to make everyone else’s opinion fade into insignificance. 

We are liberated from a crippling concern for ourselves and have a new desire to live for Someone greater. We become rooted and established in God’s love. 

God’s love changes us into people who can offer his love to others (1Jn 4:19). A believer can overcome a fear of people—not with high self-esteem, but with love. We put off fear by putting on love for God and others. 

The following suggestions may help you reach out to others in love. 

Look for points of connection. Comment on the news, weather, or something you saw on the way in. Ask people about themselves or if they have weekend plans. 

Follow the golden rule. Treat others as you would like to be treated. Greet people you see regularly and ask about things they’ve mentioned previously. Don’t reply to questions with one-word answers.

Scriptures: John 15:13, Proverbs 27:9-10, Galatians 6:1-2, Ephesians 4:15, Proverbs 20:5

In our churches and communities, heartbreak abounds. Yet many of those who are hurting won’t seek formal counseling but instead, share their struggles with a caring friend–someone who they hope will meet them in their pain with love and compassion. This is a ministry that we are all called to participate in. A godly friend with a caring heart, a listening ear, and a Bible in hand can profoundly help a friend in need. 

To look at friendship in the Bible, we need to look no further than Christ himself, the standard of godly friendship: “No one has greater love than this: to lay down his life for his friends” (Jn 15:13). Jesus made that sacrifice willingly and with great compassion. Christ’s sacrifice motivates us to respond with sacrificial love for others around us. Biblical friendship is only possible in Christ. 

Loving people well comes from an overflow of your relationship with Christ. There are skills and tools you can practice to be more effective in caring for others, but before you can be a good friend to someone in need, you must be in an abiding relationship with Christ (Jn 15). The Holy Spirit—Christ in you—empowers you to love others as you have been loved. Unconditional love is rare in our world and is a distinct quality of a mature believer (Jn 13:34–35). Godly friends understand that love is not sappy sentimentalism but a robust concern for the other person’s best interests. 

Good friends lovingly represent the full gospel to their friends. Again, we can look to Christ as our model, both to represent the grace of God and as an example of the uncompromising nature of biblical truth (Jn 1:14). When Proverbs states that a friend loves at all times, it means that love is not circumstantial. 

Connecting with compassion, assessing the risk and root issues, responding with truth and grace, and encouraging your hurting friends toward Christ and community can be life-giving to them and pivotal in helping them take healthy steps forward. Helping a hurting friend is a Christlike endeavor, but it is not always easy—or even appreciated. We don’t help our friends to gain favor with them or with God—we minister to them as a reflection of Christ’s love and compassion in response to the care he has shown us. Let’s be communities full of true Christian friendship known by our love (Jn 13:34–35).

Scriptures: Romans 8:35-39, Psalms 3:1-4, Philippians 3:10, 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

We all react differently when trouble shows up. Some people struggle with depression and doubts, others with fear and embarrassment, and others with anger and hopelessness. God uses even the difficult circumstances of our lives for his redemptive purposes. Romans 8:35-39 assures us that God loves us even amid the hardest adversity. 

Seeing all the ways God shows his love to you in hardship will not erase your trouble, but it will strengthen your faith, which is of greater worth than gold. When your faith is strengthened, your hope and your love will also be strengthened. Here are seven ways God lovingly meets you in your suffering and uses your troubles. 

1. To enhance your relationship with him.
2. To help you experience Christ’s sufferings
3. To expose your remaining sin
4. To engage you in the Body of Christ
5. To exhibit Christ’s work in you
6. To equip you for wiser, more compassionate ministry
7. To elevate your longing for Christ’s return

The God of grace can bring good things from bad things. He reverses the curse and redeems a fallen world. He takes sinful, suffering people, displays his love, and makes them glorious. Whatever your specific hardship, you can be certain of these truths. 

As you move forward, select one hardship you face, review the above truths, consider the loving biblical purposes that might apply to your hardship, and talk to God about them. Ask him to reassure you of his love and to show you the good purposes he might be trying to cultivate in you. Ask him to give you a heart that wants to know him better and to grow in his grace so you can say, “It was good for me to be afflicted so that I could learn your statutes” (Ps 119:71). 

Nothing is more important than knowing God loves you; he is with you in the hardship, is in control, and has loving purposes for you in allowing this trouble.

Scriptures: Deuteronomy 31:6, Psalms 23:4, Revelation 21:4, Psalms 46:1

How do we infuse hope into a culture full of angst? There are many shows and miniseries out today that entice young people either with darker themes or by portraying life as meaningless. In light of the many messages children are bombarded with, kids need reasons why God is relevant to them. They need to find meaning and identity in things that genuinely fulfill. They need hope. 

Have we given our kids reasons why they can live life fearlessly? Have we fostered conversations about hard topics and convinced them that no issue is off limits and that we can handle even the most intimate details of their lives with genuine love and concern? We must be proactive in fostering connections with our children. 

Let your child know they are not alone. Be a redemptive guide speaking into the corruption they will be forced to weed through. Let them know there is one who fights on their behalf. 

As you foster an atmosphere of open conversation with your child, be sure to undergird your discussions with encouraging truths from Scripture. Here are some ideas to get you started: 

1. You are not alone (Ps 23:4) 
2. You have value (Mt 10:31; 1Pt 2:9) 
3. He sees your tears (Rv 21:4) 
4. There is help (Ps 46:1; Heb 4:15-16) 
5. Your life has purpose (Jr 29:11) 

Reminding your child of unchanging promises from God’s Word will give your child a solid framework for processing worries and fears, both now and into adulthood. Undergird all your reassurances with reminders of who God is, your child’s identity in Christ, and the promises of the Lord’s care and presence no matter the circumstances. This comfort is what your children need most—not a promise that nothing scary or difficult will ever happen to them, but that the Lord of all creation is with them, for them, and has a loving plan for their life.