Choosing Forgiveness: A 5-Day Plan From Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth

Scriptures: John 16:33, 2 Timothy 3:12

Necessity of Forgiveness

I would like to be able to tell you that forgiveness doesn’t require such total surrender and relinquishment. Forgiveness is not a method to be learned as much as a truth to be lived. The concept of forgiveness will hardly be foreign to most who read this. 

For most of us, the problem isn’t that we don’t know about forgiveness. The problem, as I’ve witnessed it in one life after another (including my own far too often), is either that we haven’t recognized and acknowledged the unforgiveness that’s in our hearts, or that we simply haven’t made the choice to forgive. Almost everyone has someone (or ones) they haven’t forgiven. 

We can’t talk about forgiveness without acknowledging the reality of pain. If we were never hurt, there would be no need for forgiveness. 

I want to begin sorting through this topic by just letting this one expectation settle in around us, as basic and obvious as it may seem: 

Everyone will get hurt.

It’s a fact of life. Pain is unavoidable in this fallen world. You will be hurt, wronged, and offended by others. There’s no way around it. 

“You will have suffering in this world,” Jesus assured His anxious, bewildered followers (John 16:33 csb), much as Paul would remind his young charge, Timothy, at a later time: “Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted” (2 Timothy 3:12). So the issue is not whether we’re being particularly godly or not. For while obedience does bring its share of eternal blessing, it is equally true that problems and pain can and will rain down on the best of us—sometimes harder on Christians than others. 

Of course, we will be affected by the circumstances that form the backdrop of our lives. They will carve grooves into our hearts that will always be part of our experience. But those circumstances, horrendous as they may be, do not have the power to control the outcome of our lives. 

As long as we believe that our happiness and well-being are determined by what happens to us, we will always be victims, because so much of what happens to us is beyond our control. There’s no possibility of hope in that perspective—we can never be different, never be whole, never be free. To greater or lesser degrees (depending on how we have been treated or mistreated) when we place our identity in victimhood, we will always think of ourselves as damaged goods, destined to be dysfunctional people in a dysfunctional world. 

We simply don’t have any choice about many of the things that happen to us. Our only hope lies in realizing that we do have a choice about how we respond to life’s circumstances—and it is those responses that determine the outcome of our lives.

Scriptures: Mark 11:25, John 8:32, Colossians 3:13

The Command of Forgiveness

As an alternative to being debt collectors—the pathway of resentment and retaliation—God calls us to the pure, powerful choice of forgiveness—and to pursue, wherever possible, the pathway of restoration and reconciliation. 

Actually, this is not presented in Scripture as an option. “As the Lord has forgiven you,” Paul writes in Colossians 3:13, “so you also must forgive.” There’s not a lot of gray area or wiggle room in there. 

The Lord Himself was equally clear and direct: “Whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him” (Mark 11:25 nkjv). “Anything against anyone.” That pretty much covers the bases, doesn’t it! No offense is too great, no offender is beyond the boundary to which our forgiveness must extend. Our fellowship with God requires it and depends on it. 

So if we as believers persist in unforgiveness, our hearts are forced to wrestle with the fact that our actions amount to disobedience. Forgiveness is not a take-or-leave option that only a super-Christian should be expected to take. 

Yes, it’s unnatural. It’s supernatural. At times it’s almost unbelievable. 

Nothing about forgiveness is easy. There’s no question about that. It’s hard to think about. It’s hard to do. It’s hard to keep doing. But if we could somehow back away from our own situation long enough, out where we could see it more clearly, where the wounds and the scars didn’t hurt us every time we turned a certain way or made a sudden movement, we ’d see something else. 

We’d see that not forgiving only makes it worse. 

Though it may feel right, though it may seem justified, though it may appear to be the only option available to us, it is destructive and deadly to the one who drinks it. The very weapon we use to inflict pain on our offender becomes a sword turned inward on ourselves, doing far more damage to us—and to those who love us—than to those who have hurt us. 

I realize that this journey into forgiveness may require you to delve into areas of your life that are sensitive and still hot to the touch. But I am also aware that our natural way of handling these hurts only results in keeping them sore and inflamed. 

It is God’s way—and His way alone—that holds out any hope of healing and rescue from the inevitable troubles of life that we face. 

It was no idle promise or wishful thinking for Jesus to say, “You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free” (John 8:32). To choose forgiveness and to walk in His truth is God’s prescribed pathway—your journey to freedom. 

And only those who walk it will find out.

Scriptures: Matthew 6:14-15, Hebrews 4:16, Hebrews 2:10

The Damage of Unforgiveness

If we want to be free, we first have to acknowledge the depths that unforgiveness has reached in our lives; we have to recognize the damage it’s caused—and can cause. And we have to deal with the fact that our unforgiveness is a sin, just as the original offense was. No worse of a sin, but certainly no less of one. 

When we fail to deal with hurt God’s way, when we harbor resentment in our hearts, that bitterness—like an infection—will fester and work its way into our system, until ultimately we start viewing everything through the eyes of hurt—everything others do, everything that happens to us. 

Let’s explore further what bitterness can do, and—more important—begin to discover how it can be overcome by the power and grace of our great God. 

When we refuse to forgive, we cannot experience God’s love and forgiveness.

Most of us have quoted many times this petition from the Lord’s Prayer: “Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.” The wording of that request should lead us to ask ourselves, “What if God only forgave me to the extent that I’ve been willing to forgive those who’ve sinned against me?” It’s sobering to think about. 

And it’s something we can’t ignore, for in the verses that follow directly after the Lord’s Prayer in Matthew 6, we hear Jesus saying, “If you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (vv. 14–15). 

When we refuse to forgive, something is blocked in our relationship with the Father. The Scripture affirms what our own experience confirms—a clear connection between our willingness to extend forgiveness to others, and our ability to appropriate and experience His forgiveness for our sins. 

Those who hold on to bitterness, who refuse to forgive, cannot hope to enjoy the full, sweet taste of His compassion and mercy. 

The cure for bitterness is to trust both His hand and His heart and to “approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that [you] may receive mercy and find grace for help at the time of [your] need” (Hebrews 4:16 nasb). Yes, grace is there, because He is there. 

Even Jesus Himself, by the Father’s divine plan and purpose, was perfected “through suffering” (Hebrews 2:10), not only to gain our eternal salvation but also to know what it feels like to be treated harshly, to be taken advantage of, to be misunderstood—as you have been. 

The root of bitterness will infest every inch of ground in your life if you let it. But God invites you—urges you—to reach out and receive His grace. In so doing, your heart will be set free from the vise of unforgiveness; you will be released to love and serve Him and others. No longer will that root of bitterness trouble you and “defile” others; instead, His grace will flow through you to others, blessing everything you touch.

Scriptures: Micah 7:19, Psalms 22:6-7, Isaiah 53:3, Isaiah 43:25, Ephesians 2:4-5, Philippians 2:13

The Promise of Forgiveness

While forgiveness is indeed costly, it is not beyond the means of those who have Christ’s life flowing within them. When God tells us to love our enemies, He also gives us the love to go along with the command. 

Yes, you can do this . . . because He can do this. That’s a promise. 

Do you have a situation where forgiveness seems impossible? Perhaps you’re thinking, “I just can’t forgive this person for what he ’s done to me. It’s too painful to deal with. He’s done it too many times. He’s hurt me too deeply.” 

But you must ask yourself—we must all ask ourselves—“Is my ability or willingness to forgive based on the magnitude of the offense?” In other words, is there a threshold of pain beyond which we are not required to forgive, one perhaps where it is impossible to forgive? 

The Scripture reminds us that God has “cast all our sins into the depths of the sea” (Micah 7:19). Not some, but all. 

These sins include things like the scorning mockery and insults of those who “despised” Him (Psalm 22:6–7), who totally “rejected” everything about His character, His person, His reason for living (Isaiah 53:3). It’s one thing to be disliked; it’s quite another to be despised—hated, spat upon, ridiculed, humiliated, betrayed, and wanted dead. Add to these the sins of our own, the ones we know so well, those that contributed to the guilt Jesus bore on the cross. 

Yet this is the same God “who blots out your transgressions” and who “will not remember your sins” (Isaiah 43:25 nkjv), who found us “dead in our trespasses” and made us “alive together with Christ” because of His “great love” for us (Ephesians 2:4–5). 

You may not feel any natural “great love” toward the one who brought such shipwreck into your life—the one who trampled on your marriage vows, or the one who abused you as a child, or the one who misjudged you because of the color of your skin. 

No one would expect you to. 

But the power—and the beauty—of the transformed Christian life is that “it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure” (Philippians 2:13 nkjv). 

It will never be the depth of your love that causes you to forgive such heartless acts and attitudes. It will never be within your power to overlook the wicked lies and wild justifications of those who have made you distrustful of just about everybody. It will be—it can only be—the love of Christ transplanted into your believing heart that can exchange your weakness for His strength. 

And so because He has forgiven us—and because of His boundless life which now dwells in us—what offence is too great for us to forgive?

Scriptures: Psalms 68:19, Romans 12:17-21

Blessing of Forgiveness

God’s Word gives us an important key to going all the way with forgiveness. It requires that we go “above and beyond” just releasing our offender—that we extend the grace of God and build bridges of love by returning blessing for cursing, good for evil. 

But I’ve forgiven him! I’m not holding a grudge. I applaud you for taking the courageous step of releasing your offender(s) from the grip of your own anger and vengeance. 

But there’s more . . . God wants you to live in the kind of freedom that radiates His light and love from your smile to your handshake to the very soles of your feet. 

True forgiveness goes a lot further than just saying, “I’ve forgiven him.” 

We are called to forgive others as God has forgiven us. How has God forgiven us? He didn’t just say to us, “You’re forgiven.” He gave His Son’s life for us when we were His enemies. Pursued us when we wanted nothing to do with Him. Adopted us into His family. Made us joint-heirs with Christ. Has promised never to leave or forsake us. Comforts us and meets our needs. “Daily loads us with benefits” (Psalm 68:19 nkjv). That kind of extravagant, undeserved grace models the way we are to forgive. 

But to do so, you’re going to have to take seriously—and literally—everything God says about forgiveness. Which includes something that may seem unthinkable: blessing your offenders.

We find this principle of blessing our offenders spelled out in Romans 12—not as an optional add-on, not as a senior-level course for those on the advanced placement track of Christian living. This passage is for you. And for me. And for everyone who needs God’s help to go all the way in forgiveness. Follow the progression: 

First, “repay no one evil for evil” (v. 17). 

The Word is so direct and unmistakable. Don’t return the evil you’ve received from others, God says. That’s His job: 

Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” (v.19) 

Okay, I get that part. We’re not supposed to pay back evil for evil—vengeance is God’s job, not mine. But there’s more—here ’s what we are supposed to do: 

To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink . . .” . . . overcome evil with good. (vv. 20–21) 

I have seen God do the unbelievable as His children have been willing not only to forgive their offenders, but to step out and return good for evil. 

Yes, it’s a miracle of God’s grace. It’s a miracle you can experience—not just once, but over and over again, as you cultivate a heart of forgiveness—forgiving others, as He has forgiven you.