Cut the Criticism and Cultivate Companionship in Your Marriage

Scriptures: 2 Corinthians 10:5, Romans 12:3

Are you too critical?

I certainly can be. 

What’s crazy to me about being overly critical is the fact that it has nothing to do with the actions of others or the circumstances surrounding us, but simply how we think about them. 

An overly critical person has looked for the negative – or simply acknowledged the negative – for so long that it has become the first thing they recognize in themselves and others. It doesn’t simply mean that you are constantly thinking negatively about your spouse. An overly critical person criticizes and beats up on themselves as well. Neither of which are fruitful. 

If we want to enjoy our relationships with our spouse and others, and if we want others to enjoy their relationship with us, we have to evaluate our spirit, identify if we are living in a state of negativity, and decide to reframe how we see things. We need to take a sincere look at the state of our own heart and invite God’s conviction to search our heart. We see this modeled with the prayer in Psalm 139: “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” 

God tells us in 2 Corinthians 10:5 to take our thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ. We can do that when it comes to our critical spirit. Once we have taken captive our thoughts, we will see that our words follow suit. Then the outpouring of our heart will no longer be constant complaining, griping and criticizing, but rather life-giving encouragement and productive communication. 

If we want to love one another well, the first thing we have to do is to make an honest assessment of what is in our heart and acknowledge our critical spirit. 

Prayer:

Lord, it’s so easy to fall into the trap of negativity. Today, please reveal the spaces in my spirit that are overly critical and harmful to my relationship with you, with myself and with my spouse. God, would you create in me a new heart that is overflowing with thankfulness, gratitude, and grace so that I may love others the way you so gently love me.

Scriptures: Colossians 3:12-14, Galatians 5:22-23

Why does it matter?

Destructive criticism doesn’t leave space for love and grace to be heard or felt. Without loving and graceful exchange, criticism can leave a person feeling defeated and hopeless. That’s not the atmosphere we want to create in our marriages. 

Adopting characteristics that reflect God’s character is a way to honor God and love our spouse well. The way Colossians 3 says it is, “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another, and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you.” We want our husband or wife to feel comfortable with us. If they are concerned that their every breath or decision will be judged or criticized, we are robbing our marriage of the intimacy and companionship that make marriage awesome. 

When Christ walked the earth, He met people in the messiest of situations, acknowledged their part in it and encouraged them to leave behind whatever it was that was entangling them. 

He cared so much about the heart of a person that when He encountered His followers in desperate situations, He often addressed them first with a question. I don’t think this was because He needed an answer or was unsure how they felt, but because He needed them to acknowledge how they felt and where their heart was. The heart of a person fuels their words and actions. Overly critical people aren’t simply working through a word problem, but a heart problem. That matters. 

My husband and I had a tough season when I wasn’t looking for the best in him. I was constantly frustrated with him, and it took him speaking up for me to realize it was because of my inner monologue of criticism toward him. In that season, we lacked companionship. I can’t help but believe that my critical spirit was drowning out God’s gentle, loving, patient and faithful spirit in my life and was causing some of the disconnect we were living in. 

A critical spirit doesn’t leave room for the fruits of His Spirit to take root in our lives. We can’t extend love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control if we are using our energy to criticize and tear down those around us. 

Prayer: Loving Father, you are so kind. Help us to be kind. You are so patient. Help us to be patient. My prayer is that your fruits are alive in my life. Please help me to value your fruits and see how they grow and benefit my relationships. Help me to communicate in a way that isn’t destructive but encourages and connects me with my spouse.

Scriptures: Genesis 2:18, Ephesians 2:8

How does being critical of myself affect my marriage?

When you live in a state of constant dissatisfaction with yourself, self-sabotaging tendencies usually come along with that dissatisfaction. It creates difficulty for those around you to love you well. Your self-criticism actually hurts your marriage. 

When criticizing ourselves becomes an obsession, we will see a strong desire for control in our lives and our relationships. Our desire for perfection will lead to trying to control people and circumstances. When you constantly expect perfection from yourself, you also begin to set unrealistic expectations for those around you. 

Suddenly you don’t enjoy the things you used to, and you don’t find satisfaction in the people around you. Now, while we know that true joy comes from our Heavenly Father, we also see in Genesis 2 that God didn’t intend for us to function alone here on earth and so He made Adam a wife, Eve. 

Living in constant judgment of yourself will put you on the defensive and hold you back from being fully vulnerable and transparent with your spouse. God has better for your marriage, and it starts with believing who He says you are, realizing that your strengths and weaknesses aren’t a product of your own doing but of the gracious goodness of God, and that destructive criticism of yourself can be just as dangerous to your marriage as the criticism of others. 

Reflect on Ephesians 2:8: “by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God.” Knowing that through Christ God has made a way to be made new in Him frees us from any need to earn our way or prove ourselves. We cannot attain perfection. Instead of unrealistic expectations, we can expect that we will daily be in need of God’s mercy and grace. From that awareness, we can gratefully receive, then freely extend, grace. 

Prayer: Lord, I am my own worst critic and it is wreaking havoc on my relationships. Would you intervene and help me to see myself the way you see me? Help me to receive your grace with the humble awareness of my need for it. Help me to offer grace when I’m less than perfect, and help me to set expectations of myself and others that align with your Word.

Scriptures: Proverbs 4:23, 1 Peter 4:8

Critical spirit and my spouse

At Awesome Marriage, we hear from a lot of couples, and while some would say that their spouse is too hard on themselves, the majority would say that the criticism is typically directed toward them – the spouse. 

Negativity takes root so quickly that it doesn’t take long before one critical thought turns into a full-on war with your spouse. Suddenly, they couldn’t meet a need of yours if they tried because their words, actions and intentions are all wrong – in your mind. 

That sounds crazy right? Does it escalate that quickly? Negatively screams out so loudly that it drowns out the voice of grace and sometimes reason. Studies have proven that what you look for you will find. If you have focused for so long on all that’s wrong with your marriage, then the only things you will see are what’s wrong with your marriage. This is why it is so important to take seriously the words of Proverbs 4:23 to “guard your heart.” That’s where everything we do begins. 

The opposite is also true; positive experiences lead us to acknowledge more easily the next positive experience. It’s like our brain becomes trained to look for it first. 

For instance, in the drab season of my marriage I referenced on Day 2, there was an instance when I was super frustrated with my husband. I felt like he was oblivious to my needs and the needs of our children. Every time something slipped his mind I just knew it was because all his mind was concerned about was himself. 

Then, I was having a discussion with my sister when out of nowhere she mentioned she had noticed that my husband was more present even though he was juggling two full-time jobs, one of which required a significant amount of travel. Was she seeing something I wasn’t? Yes. A resounding yes. 

When I stepped back, I noticed that there was a list of honey do’s that had been done without his mention or my acknowledgement. The kids would make a comment here or there referencing something they had recently done with Daddy. I had missed that too. I was so determined that he was the problem that I missed the fact that in my overly critical spirit, I was framing my husband the wrong way. 

Things changed when I looked for the good instead of assuming the worst in him. This is one way we can choose to “love earnestly” (1 Peter 4:8) in our marriage. By making an active and intentional ongoing decision to call out the best in them and see our spouse through God’s eyes. 

Prayer: Heavenly Father, I mess up all the time and often my mess-ups come in the form of me tearing down my spouse. God, would you help me see them the way you see them, help me love them well, help me to look for the good and view them as my teammate. Forgive me for all the times I put myself in the trap of negativity. I am thankful for my spouse and my marriage, and I pray that I can honor you in that.

Scriptures: Proverbs 15:1, Ephesians 4:29, Proverbs 27:17

Is there room for criticism in my marriage?

We have looked at why being overly critical affects both you and your marriage. But is there ever room to offer criticism to your spouse? I think so. In marriage, we have the ability to “sharpen” one another, “as iron sharpens iron,” to further each of our growth and sanctification. The difference between an overly critical spirit and constructive criticism is the heart behind it. 

Being overly critical places blame on your spouse in a way that doesn’t allow for them to redeem themself or the situation. For instance, something may be your spouse’s fault in the sense that their action led to a certain outcome. Being overly critical would attribute the responsibility of not only the situation but also how you feel about it to your spouse. It may include the negative assumption that they messed up intentionally or meant to hurt you. 

A loving critique might address the wrongdoing – and even acknowledge your spouse’s role in it – but would create an atmosphere that allows your spouse to do the next right thing. To redeem the situation or work towards fixing what’s broken. It offers grace and forgiveness and does not hold the wrongdoing over their head. 

A loving spirit seeks to build up and encourage (Ephesians 4:29). It honors truth while extending grace. The fact is, you are going to receive and deal out criticism in your marriage, but the way you do it will contribute to the atmosphere you create! 

You can offer lovingly constructive criticism that points them to the full potential of who God created them to be. You can – and should – be honest with your spouse when something they do hurts you. But you should not equate the hurtful action with your spouse’s overall character. 

If your comments are driven by a desire for control, a sense of pride, or resentful anger, then chances are you are going to frame your spouse in a negative light and miss the things they are getting right. If you attack their character, not only will they not feel safe, but it will breed insecurity and mistrust. If you are unwilling to hear their feedback toward you, the relationship will feel unbalanced. Make sure you are looking to hear their perspective as much as you want to share yours – or more! Seek out their perspective. We can learn a lot from how our spouse sees and experiences us. 

When the goal with hard conversations is a desire for your marriage to improve, the two of you to grow closer, and for God to be honored, you will see that not only are you kinder to your spouse, but you will value them more deeply. You will develop companionship. You will see the good you are looking for. 

Prayer:

God, please help me to give and receive criticism in a way that honors you and our marriage. I don’t want to just be married to my spouse, I want us to be companions and friends. I want us to respect one another and offer kindness in our critiques. Help us to understand the value in healthy communication habits and begin implementing them into the framework of our marriage. God, above all, help us to love the way you love. 

Keep building your companionship by making positive assumptions.

Don’t let negative assumptions tear you apart. Instead, be gracious and practice gratitude by assuming kind things about your spouse. This printable will help you nurture your marriage with positive assumptions!