Scriptures: Proverbs 27:9, Ecclesiastes 4:9, John 15:12-15

Getting Desperate 

One evening, while especially sad and missing my close by gal pals somethin’ fierce, an idea popped into my head. When my husband returned home later that evening, I shared this bit of brilliance with him. In an effort to find friends, I would make a sign that read, “Desperate Woman Seeks Friends!” and hold it at the corner of our front yard by the street. 

My husband stared at me wide-eyed. 

“Are you really going to do that?” he said. 

“I just might!” I responded. 

To be truthful, I was every bit of desperate to find another woman with whom I could talk and laugh and share troubles with in person. Yet even my doer self couldn’t find one. 

In an effort to find friends, I’ve swung the bat and missed the ball. A lot. I’ve faced rejection a lot. So what’s a girl to do when she’s plumb tuckered from trying to make friends but knows she still needs them? 

She keeps trying. 

Because the only surefire way to know you’ll never make friends is to never try making friends. 

I’ve learned a good deal about how to persevere through the often-discouraging-yet-still-worth-it world of getting friendship wrong, missed connections, bringing the extra-awkward, making a mess of relationships, and, by the grace of the good Lord above, getting it imperfectly right in a way that has led to lasting, meaningful friendships. 

Is it easier said than done? Yep. But is it absolutely doable? Oh yes. Jesus, who was perfect in all ways, had friends. He had His twelve apostles, and within that He had his closest friends Peter, James, and John (Matthew 10:2–3; Mark 5:37). Of course, He had other friends whom He crossed paths with during His ministry, such as Lazarus, Mary, Martha, and Mary Magdalene. 

If Jesus walked this planet with friends, you and I need to do the same. And it’s God’s heart for all of us to do the same, to have our people. You are not the exception to that. 

One more time for the person in the back: You are not the exception to that.

You never know how or when God may orchestrate a change in circumstances for the better. 

My real-life challenge to you over these five days? 

Don’t give up. Don’t close off your heart. 

Do keep trying. 

Pray: 

Father, I know having good friends is part of your plan for me. Please open my heart, lead me, and encourage me as I keep trying.

Scriptures: 1 Corinthians 15:57, Philippians 4:13, John 16:33

From Victim to Victory 

When I was first married and freshly moved to a new town, I reasoned that since God surely wanted me to have friends, he would bring them my way. Therefore, I was officially off the hook from doing anything else to actively pursue friendships myself. 

Well, that didn’t work. And I developed the biggest victim mentality east of the Mississippi, one that coughed up excuse after excuse for why I couldn’t make a connection with anyone. 

I can’t find friends here because the people aren’t as friendly.

I can’t find friends here because of the long winters, and everyone stays inside.

I can’t find friends here because people already have their people.

I can’t find friends here because no one asks me questions about myself.

I can’t find friends here because there’s something wrong with me.

That year taught me so much about how to accept my circumstances rather than react to them, to keep trying again instead of allowing rejection to coerce me into a victim mentality. That is easier to do if you don’t let the Devil persuade you that you’re the only one going through friendship foibles. 

God wants you to have your friends—it’s His will for you. 

Real life isn’t a sitcom where we simply wait for friends to magically show up. Instead, we get out and about in an effort to cross paths with folks, in an effort to get to know folks. 

You aren’t unfriendable. You’re just becoming more closely acquainted with the fact that this business of finding friends is hard. The only thing that makes you unfriendable is never putting yourself out there again, and we need you too much for that nonsense. 

Victim may have been a chapter or three in your story in trying to find your people, but it doesn’t have to be the final chapter. It doesn’t have to define the narrative. 

Keep at it, and victory will be yours. 

I’m cheering you on all along the way. 

Pray:

God, please show me anywhere I’m hanging on to excuses for why I can’t make friends. Please me how to let the victim mindset go and walk toward victory in my relationships.

Scriptures: Ephesians 1:17, Romans 8:28, Genesis 50:20

Fertilizer Seasons 

My daughter’s friendship situation in high school was, if I may be blunt, a bunch of bull. She went through the ringer with some very unkind girls. But when she went to college, boy did things change. She started making friends left and right. 

Reflecting on both periods of time, I said, “Darlin’ child, on the friend front, your high school years were full of crap. At college, you’re reaping the rewards of a harvest well earned.” 

And then, my husband quipped, “Harvests do better with a lot of fertilizer, and you’ve stored up some fertilizer that you’re now putting to good use.” 

I haven’t forgotten about that statement because it’s true: In God’s economy, nothing is waste or wasted. And in the natural world, a good deal of fertilizer helps good things grow. 

In not-too-poetic terms, gross stuff helps grow essential stuff. 

This certainly applies to the friendship front. If you have your own years of accumulating “fertilizer,” take heart: your harvest will come eventually. Yesterday’s hardships from trying to make friends feed our present-day and future friendships. 

As you endure your own season of accumulating well-aged fertilizer, I pray God gives you His Spirit of wisdom in revelation regarding your own friendship harvest. And as you and I work to refine our own quirks and behaviors so they don’t contribute to other people’s fertilizer, I pray He gives us wisdom in revelation that helps us grow in social graces that bless rather than blight others. As with each of us, God is renewing your strength and vision day by day, season by season. He is not idle but actively moving in your life so that you may know Him better (Ephesians 1:17). Part of that is showing you and me how friendship hardships that seemed so unnecessary before can grow into future blessings rising from the mystery. 

God doesn’t waste one drop of our difficulties. Every moment of every struggle will be straightened and stitched into a beautiful tapestry of wholeness. Then you can take what you’ve learned and walk alongside other women in their own friendship struggles. 

Pray:

God, please show me where you want to use my fertilizer seasons to grow something beautiful. I trust that you will not waste anything, and I’ll see a beautiful harvest of friendship.

Scriptures: 2 Timothy 1:7, Matthew 6:27, Matthew 14:29

Brave the Awkward 

While most of us readily accept that dating is awkward as can be, we don’t accept that the art of making friends is awkward for ev-er-y-one. Ironically, finding friends as a grownup is a lot like dating in that you need some form of chemistry to form a connection with the other person, even if that chemistry and connection look and feel differently. Instead, we believe other women must’ve figured out how to get around the awkward factor, easily laughing and skipping to their girlfriend coffee dates and dinner drinks by bibbidi-bobbidi-booing their way to that connection. 

No one gets to enjoy the deep waters of a friendship without first wading through the awkward waters. 

The good news is that the more you practice pushing through the awkward, the less the awkwardness will bother you. Oh, I’m not saying it’ll completely go away. I’ve been intentionally pursuing friendships for more than thirty years now, and the endeavor still carries awkward moments. But that doesn’t bother me today like it used to. 

Sure, someone likely did view some of my words and actions as annoying, awkward, or off-putting and therefore decided I wasn’t worth their time or investment. But I’ve truly come to see that as okay. If someone doesn’t want to be around me, they’re not God’s best for me (and vice versa). 

While not every awkward introduction will lead to a friendship that sticks, every friendship that sticks includes awkward components. It’s simply the quirky scenery we encounter on the path traveled from acquaintance to familiar friends. We just need to accept that (and get over ourselves enough) to believe it’s worth experiencing along the way. 

With practice, we’ll see how the awkward factor is like hearing someone else’s kid throw a fit in church: It’s something you can’t necessarily ignore but it doesn’t really bother you. 

If you sense the Holy Spirit nudging you toward a potential friend, don’t let the awkward factor stop you. Introduce yourself and extend an invitation her way. And if you get together and find yourself displaying awkward behavior, take heart: You get an A for awkward in my book, and you might find that invitation leads to an awesome friendship. 

Pray: 

Father God, I want to listen to and follow your leading. Help me to brave the awkward waters to get to the deep, real connections you have for me.

Scriptures: John 8:59, John 10:39-40, Matthew 12:14-15

Boundaries Are Our Friends 

Everyone talks about the very real need for boundaries. But no one talks about how placing them feels wrong, even though it’s not. 

If you’re a Christian like me, you want to be gracious with folks, generally speaking. Having said that, if someone is continually behaving in an ugly, demanding, belittling, rude, manipulative, or otherwise toxic way, like regularly tearing you down rather than building you up or making less of you to make more of herself, that is not okay. Be a good friend to yourself and accept that at worst, it’s likely this person isn’t really a friend of yours. At best, you need a boundary between her and you. 

When Jesus lived on this earth, He gave of Himself in more ways than the pages of the Bible could even tell. He preached and taught, held and healed others. And yet, He didn’t give unlimited access of Himself to everyone at each and every moment of every day. He placed boundaries between Himself and people. While Jesus, at the proper time, did submit to the cross in obedience to His Father’s plans, Scripture details those times when Christ purposefully removed Himself from those meaning to do him harm. 

What’s more, Jesus was intentional about those He chose to be His disciples (Mark 3:13–14).“He didn’t simply stand outside the city gate and holler, “MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE! I need some fellas to serve with Me through My ministry. The first twelve who let Me know they’re interested will be picked!” 

No. He thoughtfully and intentionally chose who would fulfill this important ministry role in His life. 

If Jesus actively chose who was around Him each day, this means He also chose who wasn’t. Therefore, we can choose who we are and aren’t around every day too. 

Here’s to having hearts that wisely discern when we need to give grace to someone and when we need to build a boundary between us and them. If you’re consistently in the crosshairs of another’s harmful, toxic behavior, here’s to giving boundaries the benefit of the doubt instead of another’s poor behavior. Boundaries are our friends. 

Pray:

Jesus, thank you for showing us boundaries in action. Please lead me in wisdom and discernment so I can choose friends with purpose and set boundaries where I need to.