Developing the Fruit of the Spirit in Your Child

Scripture: John 13:35

Love

By Lisa Lakey

Not too long ago, my five-year-old, Max, wasn’t too happy with me. After a poor behavior choice, I had sent him to his room for a timeout. Angry, he said to me, “I don’t love you.” Perhaps if he was my first child, I would have been more hurt by this statement. I told him I was sorry to hear that, but I still loved him just as much as ever. 

It’s easy for small children to mistake liking and loving—we use the word for everything from our family to a steak dinner. Because of that, love becomes a vague concept in the mind of a child. Thankfully, God gave us a good definition of genuine love, and it isn’t a fleeting emotion. In 1 Corinthians 13, we’re told love is patient, kind, not envious or boastful or arrogant. It is not rude, self-seeking, irritable, or resentful. And most importantly, it tells us love never ends (4–8).

Here are a few suggestions for helping your children to not only understand what love is but what real love looks like.

Read them stories of love from the Bible. “We love because he first loved us” (1 John 4:19). Who better to learn about love than from our loving Father? The Parable of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:25–37) and the story of Zacchaeus (Luke 19:1–10) are both great options to teach your kids about reaching out to love others—even those who seem unlovable.

Serve alongside them. Don’t just tell kids about love; show them how. Put love into action as Jesus did. Feed the hungry, clothe the needy, and invite the lonely into your home. When kids are taught to love through service, it reminds them love sticks around even when the feeling of “like” fades.

Make them feel loved. Wrap your arms around them in a hug or even high-five them in the hall. Through your actions and words, convey your love for them. Let them know in plain terms that you love them no matter what, and you are thankful for them. Kids who are confident in their parents’ love will find it easier to show love to others. 

Scripture: John 15:11

Joy

By Lisa Lakey

When your child hits the pre-teen years, it will feel like emotions rule your home. All those hormones will send your peaceful, happy child on a roller coaster of feelings, and it may be difficult to recognize joy. It may be hiding behind anxiety or even anger. But no matter how well it may be concealed, joy is possible for those who are in Christ. 

I find it interesting that “happy” and “joy” are synonyms, yet joy is also a verb meaning rejoice. In Philippians 4:4, we are told to “Rejoice in the Lord always.” In other words, always find your joy in God. 

In Romans, we read, “For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit” (14:17). That tells me real joy isn’t found in my relationships, career, or even my circumstances. It is found in the Holy Spirit, which I received through Jesus Christ. 

Young adolescents are at a great age to start learning this truth. Their frequently shifting emotions will give you plenty of opportunities. That said, here are some tips on teaching your children about joy. 

Point to the joyful. It’s easy to get swept away by the negativity in this world. Make it a personal mission to point out reasons to praise God. When the kids have had a particularly bad day, I’ll ask them to find one thing to be joyful about. It never ceases to amaze me how praising an unchanging God can turn our temporary moods around. 

Memorize Scripture on joy with them. Joy is mentioned anywhere from 180 to more than 200 times in the Bible, depending upon translation. An easy one for younger kids is Psalm 47:1, “Clap your hands, all peoples! Shout to God with loud songs of joy!” 

Teach delayed gratification. Children who never have to wait on what they want will have trouble sorting through fleeting emotions. James 1:2–3 says, “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.” A little suffering goes a long way in learning how to be happy. Delayed gratification helps reinforce real joy, rooted in Christ.

Scripture: Isaiah 26:3

Peace

By Sabrina McDonald

Jasmine Malem is a typical 6-year-old girl. Light wisps of brown hair flow around her brown eyes and apple cheeks. Twice a week she works out with her personal trainer. That’s in addition to swimming and dance lessons each week. 

“We want [our daughters] to be fit, healthy and strong …” says Jasmine’s mother, Yana. And she’s not alone. Personal trainers for children is a growing trend, demanded by parents.

Concern for a child’s health is good, but hyper-focused parents like Yana forget a child is more than just a body. Children have spirits and souls, as well. They need time to create, consider, and explore. Being “bored” is when they start asking questions like—What are stars? How do birds fly? Who is God? Why am I here?

People were not designed to maintain constant accomplishment. Kids face pressure over homework and all sorts of extracurricular activities. But thousands of generations have enjoyed fulfilled lives without those things. 

Jesus said, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you” (John 14:27). Here are some ways this peace can be yours:

Cut back activities. Choose one sport … or no sport at all. If they need exercise, make outside play mandatory 30 minutes a day. 

Turn down birthday parties. Will this hurt some feelings? Maybe. But maybe not. At my kids’ school, if a child sends invitations to school, she has to invite the whole class. My children get invitations continuously! If I don’t know the child, we don’t go. And guess what? No one notices. 

Remove all personal screen time. Many kids have never developed healthy relationship skills. They are exposed to cyber bullying and sexting. Growing research supports the damage of devices on brain development. Do your child a favor and put some hard boundaries around personal screen usage or remove it altogether. There will be screaming and maybe violence. Hold on! Their lives will have so much more peace. And so will yours.

Scripture: Psalms 40:1

Patience 

By Lauren Miller

I jumped in the check-out line with only two people. But a credit card fell through the conveyer belt, leading to a longer wait. I glanced at another lady to exchange a “could she move any slower?” eye-roll. 

We all have those moments. Pride does a knockout job convincing us that the world revolves around our wants. We think the faster we get what we want, the happier we will be, even if it requires someone else’s time and energy.

Waiting is a simple but difficult struggle. The self-will fights tooth and nail against patience, but Paul tells us why patience is so important. It’s an attitude that reflects God’s love for His children. Paul begins the definition of love with the words, “Love is patient” (1 Corinthians 13:4). If love is patient, then we must teach children to be patient with those God calls us to love. 

For example, if your child pushes toward the front of a line or complains when others irritate her, turn her attention to consider the needs of others. Your instructions can be simple: “Jesus tells us to put other people before ourselves, so we are going to practice that right now.” Perhaps you could help your child memorize The Golden Rule, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” 

Training children to wait for small wants in life will help them when long-suffering patience is required. This includes waiting on the will of God.

Prayer is a perfect platform to model patience with children. It gives them a chance to see your response when God doesn’t answer your prayers in the manner or speed you preferred. As you teach your children about God’s timing, you will see their relationships with God shape and grow. 

Finally, the best way to avoid raising children with “what’s in it for me” attitudes is by instilling contentment. Regularly remind your children of what they already have. At the end of the day, their desperate wants may not come. In those cases, contentment will save them from bitter impatience. While fighting discontentment is a struggle, instilling habits of patience will help your children love God and others more fully. 

Scripture: Romans 2:4

Kindness

By Scott Williams

John had become a bitter man. After serving an unreasonably long prison sentence for stealing, he was looking for work. But rejections based on his criminal record left him hungry, exhausted, and defeated, so he sought refuge from a faith-based shelter. The pastor there treated him with kindness. They fed him and sheltered him, but they couldn’t penetrate his hardened heart. In desperation, during the night, John stole a lot of valuables and assaulted the pastor in his escape.

When the police caught him the next day, they didn’t buy John’s lame story that the pastor had given him the valuables. John feared the worst when he faced his victim: that the truth would send him back to prison—this time for good reason.

To his shock, the pastor not only confirmed John’s story, but gave him even more valuable items and told the police to go. Now alone with John, the pastor looked him in the eye, and said, “Use what I’ve given you for good, not evil.”

You might recognize this as the plot of Les Misérables. John (Jean Valjean), was so disarmed by this act of kindness that he did change his life, and became a source of generosity and grace.

Our children tend to want to get even when wronged, but we need to show them that God isn’t that way. He doesn’t lower the boom at the first hint of wrong. He always gives us the chance to change our wrong to right.

The best way to teach kindness is by showing, just as the pastor showed John. Treat your child with kindness, like God treats you. Wrong should be addressed, but focus on what children need more than what they deserve. 

Let your children see you showing kindness to others: Prefer your spouse over yourself. Do something thoughtful for a neighbor or friend. Treat your restaurant server with respect.

When your children are unkind, they should face consequences, but ultimately, give them the opportunity to apologize and ask forgiveness from the one they’ve wronged. This is not just modeling kindness for the offender, but also to the one who’s been hurt. 

Scripture: Romans 12:9

Goodness

By Sabrina McDonald

In 1968, Harvard student Kent Keith published “The Paradoxical Commandments” to help high school leaders learn to change the world: 

People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered. Love them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow. Be good anyway…

Keith’s guidelines could be summed up in one word: goodness. 

Today, many are interested in justice, rather than goodness. They want what they deserve. But goodness doesn’t seek fairness; it seeks what’s right, even if it’s unfair.

Easton’s Bible Dictionary defines goodness as “the deliberate preference of right to wrong, the firm and persistent resistance of all moral evil, and the choosing and following of all moral good.” Goodness is action, not feeling. 

Jesus said, “The good person out of his good treasure brings forth good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure brings forth evil” (Matthew 12:35). We should deliberately store good treasure in our hearts so that good may come from its abundance. These suggestions will help foster goodness as you parent your children. 

Let your kids fail. Children need to know that actions have consequences. The results of bad choices should be a deterrent to wrongdoing. But if you rescue your child from the school principal, or spare a deserving punishment, they won’t see that goodness has better results. 

Trust them. After spanking my kids I want to say, “The next time you do that, you’re gonna get double!” But when I see shame on their faces, I hugged them and say, “I know I can trust you not to do that ever again.” They need to know when they mess up that our confidence hasn’t been lost forever. 

What goes in must come out. What are your kids watching and listening to? What are the lyrics to their favorite songs? What kinds of books, movies, and video games are they exposed to? Each one of those words and images is a treasure stored in your child’s heart. Store the good, and filter the evil. They can’t produce good if all their treasures are bad.

Scripture: 1 Samuel 12:24

Faithfulness

By Lisa Lakey

I didn’t become a Christian until I was a young adult. When I became a mom, I worried if I could effectively teach my kids about God.

I tried to explain faith to my preschool-aged daughter. I probably used too many words, but I attempted to tell her how to trust in a God you can’t see. 

In reply, she simply said, “okay,” and ran off to play. I remember thinking, this is what Jesus meant in Matthew 18:2–4, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.”

The faith of a child is simple. I want my children to retain that type of faith, the kind that doesn’t need complex explanations. But after 11 years, I’ve learned that when it comes to faith, children learn more from watching us live out our beliefs than the words we say. Here are a few tips to help you along the way. 

Share faith stories. Tell your children about Christians who showed great faith during struggles. The testimonies of Corrie Ten Boom or Elisabeth Elliot are a great place to start.

Let them see you struggle. I don’t ever want to burden my children with adult problems, but it’s healthy for them to see that our lives aren’t perfect. Your children’s faith will be tested as they grow up, and they’ll be better prepared if they see their parents trust God when life throws a curveball.

Pray with your kids. Praying is an act of relying on God. It reaffirms our faith and refreshes our souls. Pray with and for your children every single day, and you will teach them the power of depending on God.

Don’t try to force faith, because you can’t. It’s hard for parents to know that something as important as faith is out of our control. But, ultimately, it’s between them and God. Even the best, most faithful parents can have children who turn away from their faith. Practice what you preach—trust what God is doing in your children’s lives. 

Scripture: Philippians 4:5

Gentleness

By Lauren Miller

Children illustrated in antique storybooks always seem to possess a sweet kind of calmness. Think of the serenity of Mary and her little lamb or Jack and Jill. Yet, children of this variety are not found in homes. Gentleness is not a trait our culture praises. But the fruit of God’s Spirit is gentleness, so parents should encourage their children to walk in it.  

The frequency of the instruction, “Be gentle with that,” from parent illustrates how young children must be told to speak and act with gentleness. They don’t naturally deny their impulses, which is why they must be taught to exercise self-control and tenderness. 

Gentleness is not set aside purely for the quiet and timid personalities. On the contrary, in no way is gentleness a sign of weakness. Gentleness has the power to cast off anger. Solomon scribes in Proverbs 15:1, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” 

A primary step towards raising gentle children is modeling gentleness. Rather than raising your voice as a reaction to disobedience, respond in soft, approachable tones. Allow gentleness to penetrate your touch and your facial expressions, even when frustration floods your emotions. Let them see gentleness in you. 

In addition to modeling this trait, verbally teaching your children about God’s heart for gentleness is fruitful. Proverbs 15:1 instructs us to respond in gentleness in all situations so when the personal anger thermometer rises we will know how to react. Anger will decrease through gentle words, and hopefully so will the anger of the recipient. Gentleness is a powerful virtue.

You can also help instill gentleness by offering second chances. My parents continually motivated my sister and me: “How can you say that differently?” or “Would you like to try that again?” Provide acceptable replacement sentences to give them an idea of a gentle answer. Giving them a chance to try again redefines the situation as an opportunity for correction and grace. 

Write Proverbs 15:1 on the bathroom mirror. Post it on the refrigerator door. Read it aloud as a family before school to brand it on your children’s hearts. Not only will they reap the benefits of gentleness, but the living and active Word of God will teach them the value of gentleness.

Scripture: 1 Corinthians 10:13

Self Control

By Sabrina McDonald

Ben Carson struggled with anger as a young man, but one day it occurred to him that if people could make him angry “they could control me,” he said. “Why should I give someone else such power over my life?”

Carson began practicing self-control, and this troubled young man, who struggled through school, went on to become a successful brain surgeon and author. He even ran for president of the United States.

Self-control gives children the ability to do the right thing even when they don’t feel like it, to say no to their natural urges in favor of what’s best. Proverbs 25:28 says, “A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls.”

When a person can’t say no to temptation, he opens himself to the types of enticements that can destroy a life: drug addiction, physical abuse, and other vices.

All children struggle with self-control. They don’t know how to restrain their desires, so they indulge in pleasures like food or screen time. They take what they want, even if it belongs to others. And when they don’t get what they want, they complain or become angry. Parents can identify these areas of temptation and set up boundaries to help train children. 

If your kids have emotional outbursts, help them discover the root of their anger and calmly present the choices and consequences of overindulgence. Then, most importantly, follow through with discipline.

Don’t immediately give children everything they want, but set up a system of earning and saving. This could involve actual money, or it could be a system to earn privileges.

Some activities, such as video games and time on a smartphone, can actually create a lack of self-control. Look for symptoms, such as irritation, anger, or an increased need to indulge. It may mean taking away those activities permanently.

Your verbal encouragement is crucial as you develop this character trait. Look for the moments your child displays self-control and praise them for it. Plant seeds in your child’s heart through the word of God, and pray for God to manifest this fruit in their lives.