When your marriage is in a fragile state, there have been many misunderstandings, you are hurting and feel all alone, sometimes a little practical help can make a big difference. These 5 dos and don’ts may surprise you, but they are tried and true ways to find comfort, strength, and healing as you trust in the Lord to re-establish oneness and intimacy in your marriage.
Thistlebend
Day 1
Scriptures: Psalms 34, 2 Corinthians 10:5, Philippians 4:8-9, Psalms 139:1-8, Psalms 69:30, Philippians 2:3-4, Psalms 42:1-2, Hebrews 12:1-3
Maybe you feel like your marriage is on the rocks. Perhaps you have tried and tried to piece things back together, but you feel as though your spouse is unengaged or checked out. The Lord knows you and your situation. You are not alone. He hears the cry of your heart. Before we begin, let’s pray the following suggested prayer.
Abba Father, thank You for Your mercy on sinners like myself. Please have mercy on me. Thank you for your grace. I praise you, Lord of heaven and earth, Creator and Redeemer, God of love, who is all-powerful, all-knowing, and all-seeing. I put all of my hope and trust in YOU and your grace. I affirm that you are working even now on my behalf. I ask you now for your help and Your grace. Thank you for all you have done, all you are doing, and all you are going to do. I trust you. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
Many of us do not like to be told what to do or what not to do, particularly if we don’t understand why, even more so if we don’t think it will make any difference, and definitely if it goes against what we want to do! This may describe your response when you read through the dos and don’ts. But don’t let negative thoughts or feelings deter you. There is a great blessing available in these daily habits.
Today we will look at the list of dos and pray through them. Later in the week, we will unpack each one to see what it looks like practically.
The 5 DAILY DOS
1. Turn your eyes to Jesus and off of yourself, and off of your spouse. Fix the eyes of your heart and your mind upon the Lord and keep them there.
2. Thank the Lord and praise Him throughout each day. Make it a point to thank the Lord and praise Him in the morning when you get out of bed, at noon, and again at night before you go to bed.
3. Take ten to twenty minutes with the Lord. Plan strategically to spend at least ten to twenty minutes with the Lord each day reading and praying through the Scriptures listed in this plan.
4. Take every thought captive. Watch over your heart and mind. Don’t let it run wild. Be careful to think about what is true and things that are holy and right.
5. Treat your spouse as more important than yourself. Serve your mate each day. Honor your spouse. Consider them first.
Day 2
Scriptures: Psalms 141:3, Philippians 4:2, Proverbs 4:23, 1 Peter 3:1-18
Today we will look at the list of the don’ts and pray through them. We will unpack each one later in the week, but today we will just read through the 5 Daily Don’ts and pray.
The 5 DAILY DON’TS
1. Do not correct your spouse. Do not discount, discredit, or devalue what they say. No matter how much you feel that they are wrong.
2. Do not complain to them, around them, or about them.
3. Do not make comments. Little comments. In-passing comments. Sarcastic comments. “Just sayin’” comments.
4. Do not control. Do not try to make your point, get what you want, get your way, or make something happen.
5. Do not criticize. Do not put your spouse down with accusations. You know the ones: “You are never satisfied”; “You always find something to be upset about”; and “No one likes you because you are so negative.”
You are going to have to watch yourself very carefully to avoid these 5 Don’ts. You may not even be aware of all of the things you do and say. So be watchful over your heart, take every thought captive, and carefully consider each action. We encourage you to pray the suggested prayer below as you close today.
“Heavenly Father, thank you for your mercy and grace upon us. I praise you for you are God Most High, my Maker and Redeemer. I affirm that you are working even now on our behalf. I believe that your ways are higher than my ways. I ask you now to search my heart and reveal any sinful way in me. Help me confess and repent of my sin as soon as I become aware of it. Thank you for all you have done, all you are doing, and all you are going to do. In Jesus’ name. Amen.”
Day 3
Scriptures: Psalms 73:23-26, Philippians 3:7-14, Colossians 3:1-4
As we begin to walk this out we must make sure that our focus and our foundation is in Christ. He must be your one and only, your sole priority. So let me ask, where is your focus? What fights for your attention or your heart’s affection? Is it work? Your marriage? Your children? Your social life? Your failure? Food? Alcohol? Self? What is it?
The bottom line is this. The Lord wants you, and He wants all of you. He wants all of you all of the time. So confess to Him each thing that fights to take His place in your heart. Ask Him to help you by grace to set your mind on Him and the things above. Ask Him to help you turn away from all that you want to control and anything that you treasure or desire above Him and turn towards Him instead. Delight yourself in the Lord. Repent from delighting in anything more than you delight in Him.
Confess your dependence on the comforts and pleasures of this world, the security of wealth, the affections of your spouse, the companionship of your children and friends, and the value of success to bring you peace, joy, and satisfaction. Confess treasuring other things and other people above Christ. Consider it all nothing, absolutely nothing, in light of knowing Christ and His presence and His power and His resurrection.
Then going forward each day, taking one day at a time, look to Christ and Christ alone. Look to Jesus and fix your eyes on Him. Set all of your hope on Him. Put your faith in His power to accomplish His work in your heart and your marriage.
Praise Him for He alone is God with the Father and with the Spirit and He is worthy of all of our worship and all of our praise. He rules and reigns both in heaven and upon earth. Nothing and no one can prevent Him from doing His will. And nothing can separate us from His love.
Day 4
Scriptures: Psalms 63:1-2, Psalms 92:1-2, John 14:1
Just knowing the word is not living the word. We want to be doers of the word. So today let’s look at how to DO some of the dos.
1. Turn your eyes to Jesus and off of yourself, and off of your spouse. Fix the eyes of your heart and mind upon the Lord and keep them there.
You want to look to Jesus, fix your eyes upon Him, and set all of your hope on Him. You will want to put your faith in Him and in His power to accomplish His work in your hearts and your marriage. Going forward each day, look to Christ and Christ alone.
2. Thank the Lord and praise Him throughout each day. Thank the Lord and praise Him in the morning when you get out of bed, at noon, and again at night before you go to bed.
Set the alarm on your phone to remind you several times each day to stop for a minute to thank and praise the Lord. Choose a worship song for each alarm. This might take time to set up but it is an intentional way to turn from focusing on your way of thinking to meditating on praiseworthy things. Thank the Lord that you are not alone even though you may feel alone. Affirm that He is in control rather than you or your spouse.
Practice praying for your spouse specifically and lovingly. Trust in God to help you and to help your mate.
3. Take ten to twenty minutes with the Lord in His Word. Plan strategically to spend at least ten to twenty minutes a day reading and praying through the Scriptures listed in this plan.
Set your alarm for thirty minutes earlier in the morning to spend extra time in the Word.
Make a list of the Scriptures in this plan and read through them over and over for the next several weeks. Pray through them and contemplate the truths in them.
Choose one scripture each day to text to yourself and read it throughout the day.
Day 5
Scriptures: Philippians 2:1-11, Ephesians 6:10-18
Today we will finish unpacking the rest of the dos.
4. Take every thought captive. Watch over your heart and mind. Don’t let it run wild. Be careful to think on truth and things that are holy and right.
The enemy, Satan, would want nothing more than to lie and distort and make matters worse. Remember, that you and your spouse are on the same side. Your fight is not against them. Our warfare is not against flesh and blood but against the evil principalities and powers in the spiritual realm. So make sure that you are listening to Christ and His word rather than to the devil and his lies.
Identify where you are most prone to be discouraged, deceived, or detoured. Ask the Lord to help you choose Scriptures that would specifically help you stand firm and not give in to wrong thinking. Be sure to lovingly speak the truth to yourself so that you will not be led by the enemy down a dark alley of lies.
5. Treat your spouse as more important than yourself. Serve your mate each day. Honor your spouse. Consider them first.
Prayerfully read through Philippians 2. Consider what it means for you to put your spouse before yourself. What would it look like for you to humble yourself as Jesus did? Be a servant of the Lord and a servant to your spouse.
Maybe you are concerned about all of the things that you have to get done during the day, and you wonder how you would be able to add something else. But serving your spouse in love doesn’t have to mean adding a long list of to-dos to your day. It can be as simple as being thoughtful, considerate, and kind in each and every interaction. A little kindness goes a long way.
Close today in prayer.
Day 6
Scriptures: Ephesians 4:29-32, Galatians 5:19-26, Psalms 139:23-24, Proverbs 15:1, James 1:19-20
oday let’s unpack the don’ts.
1. Do not correct your spouse. Do not discount, discredit, or devalue what they say. No matter how wrong you think they are. Don’t backseat drive, nag, or pick, pick, pick. When they are telling a story, don’t interrupt them to make sure they get the details right. If they say it was seven years ago, and you know it was only five, let it go. Let these little things go as you work toward the big goal of love and mercy and grace.
2. Do not complain to them, around them, or about them. A discontented spirit is a complaining spirit. A prideful spirit is a complaining spirit. Don’t complain. Period.
3. Do not make comments. Little comments. In-passing comments. Sarcastic comments. Guilt and shaming comments. Make-you-feel-really-bad comments. Under your breath comments. “Just sayin’” comments to “subtly” get your point across, blow off some steam, or indirectly vent your frustration. Don’t make comments with your body language either. It’s amazing how one can comment without even saying a word. Eye rolling, shoulder shrugging, a heavy sigh. What are your comments? Make a list.
4. Do not control. Do not try to make your point, get your way, make something happen, or do whatever you can to stop something from happening.* Think about any of the things that you try to do to make your point or get your way. Things like putting up a wall. Being unapproachable, indisposed, or distant. Using the silent treatment. Hiding or sulking in the other room. Stomping. Slamming doors. Banging plates. You get the general idea.
5. Do not criticize. Do not put your spouse down with accusations. “You are never satisfied”; “You always find something to be upset about”; and “No one likes you because you are so negative.” Do you have a sharp or negative tone? You may think you aren’t being critical, but it could be the way you are communicating your point. Speak with gentleness.
At the root of many of these bad habits what we are seeking to combat is pride. Pride is subtle but very destructive and divisive. It is the arch-enemy of love. We all struggle with it to one extent or another. It is a universal sin. So being aware of the danger of pride in your own heart daily, daily be QUICK to hear and SLOW to speak.
Close in prayer asking the Lord to help you hear what you are communicating to your spouse with your words and deeds. Ask the Lord to help you grow in love.
*We encourage those in abusive situations to seek help to stop the abuse.
Day 7
Scriptures: Philippians 2:12-13, Ephesians 3:20-21
As you seek to restore and build your relationship with your spouse, ultimately you must first build your relationship with the Lord. We must remember that He is God and only He transforms hearts. He is the only one who can ultimately transform your heart or your spouse’s heart. We must keep in step with Him, walk with Him, and listen; carefully obey His Word and ask Him to teach us how to love Him and love our spouse.
That is the goal of this plan. And it is not something you can accomplish by sheer force of will in your own strength. You must be careful not to be results-oriented. Keep your eyes and your heart fixed on God and leave all of the results up to Him to accomplish in His own way and in His own time. He is sovereign and in complete control of every moment of every day. Trust Him. He knows what He is doing. Do you believe that God is all you need? Do you believe that He is the only one that can transform your marriage?
Give yourself and your marriage to the Lord. Walk forward by faith believing that the same power that raised Christ from the dead is at work in you. Say no to your sin and turn toward Christ. Step forward in obedience entrusting it all to Him. Daily, intentionally, deliberately, obediently, sacrificially, faithfully, and humbly DO the dos and DON’T do the don’ts.
DO:
1. Turn your eyes to Jesus.
2. Thank the Lord and praise Him.
3. Take ten to twenty minutes with the Lord in His Word.
4. Take every thought captive.
5. Treat your spouse as more important than yourself.
DON’T:
1. Do not correct your spouse.
2. Do not complain to them, around them, or about them.
3. Do not make comments.
4. Do not control.
5. Do not criticize.