A plan for those on a journey to become better, not bitter.
Brittany Shepherd
Day 1
Scripture: John 14:18-20
Introduction
This five-day devotional is not a quick fix. It is not a “5 steps to freedom” guide. If you choose to do this devotion with me, you’ll see that forgiveness and true healing doesn’t always happen at the altar. This is an intentional, intensive devotional that I know can help many who have experienced being fatherless like me. My prayer is that whatever day of your journey you are on, you now know you aren’t alone.
“Hello”
It’s day 1. Time to get to know each other a little bit. Let’s start from the beginning with my best friend, my mom. Frankly, my mother is a super hero. I believe she may possibly be an Avenger. She’s an old-school, tongue-talking woman of God. She prayed for me, kept me in church (as long as she could), hid prayer cloths under my car seat, loved me, took care of me, and yet on most days, I still felt like an orphan. She would remind me that God loved me, and he was coming back for me some day. This concept was confusing for someone who had experienced abandonment. A constant void remained.
It was hard to comprehend at such a young age the impact not having a natural father would make in my life. My father was said to be a good dad until I was three years old. At that point, there was a change in behavior and it was as if he died. He ran through women and money, but mostly he ran from us.
All girls picture themselves being “daddy’s little girl”. You can even imagine yourself all grown up one day, in a white princess gown, with your dad walking you down the aisle. But what if that doesn’t happen? What if the fairytale is all that remains? If I had known what pure hurt brings, maybe I would have been able to brace myself against the dark days that were to come. Ungodly beliefs would hit like giant waves throughout my life, devouring every bit of self-confidence I had and yet, no one would know. I was born with a “gift of gab” per say. Making people laugh and have fun, which kept me in a cycle from recognizing truth, yet inside the torment and depression was suffocating me.
An ungodly belief is something that you think about yourself, whether someone told you, a past hurt or trauma caused it, or the enemy whispered it and now you believe it. It is the opposite of what God says about you. It is a lie we rehearse.
Today, on day one I want you to write down any ungodly beliefs you have about yourself. My list was 21 items long. This seems easy, but it may not be as simple as you think. Take your time, breathe, and place that list in your bible. We’ll be back for it later in the week.
Day 2
Scripture: Matthew 5:8
“Hello Trouble”
“Here she comes again. Down to the altar another time.” I knew what they were saying. It’s like I could hear their thoughts as I walked past their pews to the front of the church. I was driven to go and nothing could stop me. Couldn’t they see past their judgement and recognize a broken girl?
As I transitioned from a little girl to a teenager, the need for adrenaline and attention grew. Although my mom tried to protect me, I grew up and began to put pieces together. I became bitter. I would remember nightly car rides with my mom on the search for my dad. For years, he was not a constant presence in my life, but he was near. He was busy balancing his double life of two families and many lies.
Back then my relationship with Jesus was surface deep. The only way I knew to get to Him was the altar. I was lost and searching. I would find Him there. It’s almost like it was a standing appointment, every Sunday I could meet Him there at the altar. I was too immature in Jesus to realize that although my heart was pure, my behavior needed to change.
I remember asking Him many times why my father didn’t want me? Why did he want them instead? What had I done so wrong? I told him I blamed Him for not fixing it.
There would be several years of broken relationships, drugs, manic episodes, irrational behaviors, all fueled by one thing: unforgiveness. As you go to bed tonight, it’s important you examine your heart for signs of unforgiveness. This is a tool the enemy likes to use to keep us bound in sin.
Day 3
Scripture: Psalms 147:3
“Hello, it’s __________”.
That is how my dad has always answered my calls. I would go years without talking to him and then I would get an urge to reach out and he would answer as a stranger. Wow, after all these years he never saved my number!
When I would introduce myself, I could literally hear the disappointment in his voice. These calls always left me hurt and more confused than ever. I was trying to find my father in this person, this human that my birth certificate shows as my dad. I knew he had to be in there somewhere.
The last few calls made to him were easier. These calls were fueled by compassion and mercy. See, God had been working on my heart. This was more about my healing than about my dad. Jesus was binding up my wounds. He had wrapped them up in a layer of protection. Not only does God want to heal you, but this scripture reference is speaking to mental sorrows and to a troubled spirit. God offers complete healing for not just some of it—but ALL OF IT. This day is short, just like my phone calls. They were necessary for my growth. Today, think about whether there is anyone you need to call. No pressure. Let the spirit lead you.
Day 4
Scripture: Deuteronomy 31:6
“Hello, It’s Me”
I’m not sure anyone knows the depth and complexity of a woman’s heart, other than God the Father of course. In fact, when we read Bible stories involving women, I think all too often they are stereotyped. Esther was the “pretty one”, Martha was the “busy one”, and even Mother Mary was simply “Jesus’ Mother”. I believe these women were so much more, and still as I grew older, I couldn’t find “the more” in me. The hole that my father left remained open, sore and guarded for years.
When I met my husband and fell in love, I began to find myself. I began to heal. The process was slow and agonizing. My husband has some crazy stories concerning those times. Maybe he should write a documentary on “Surprise Baggage”. I was blessed enough to find someone who was willing to walk through the hurt with me.
He is a pastor’s kid with the best voice and heart to match, and church was his second home. At the time, he was a worship leader and I began to lead as well.
After we were married and I became a mother, I knew I could no longer hold any resentment or hurt. My son needed a spiritually and emotionally healthy mom. I did not want to be the kind of parent my dad had been. I healed some more. I’ve found out on this 36-year journey that walking in forgiveness is a choice. Every day you choose to forgive is another day farther away from bitterness, from hurt, from anger. It is a battle not to give in to generational curses that have been gifted you. A battle sometimes won, sometimes lost.
One day I was leading worship. The spirit of God was so heavy in the room and I felt such peace and joy. I was down on my knees basking in his Presence when I heard a whisper, “You found me”. I knew it was Jesus. Could it be that simple?
Had I ever lost him? No. It can feel like that way sometimes, but he’s never hidden from us. It became clear to me that I had made the journey all about my natural father, but Jesus was just waiting for me to see that He’s been there all 10,000+ days of my struggle.
In an instant the memories came rushing back, memories that I didn’t know existed. Have you ever watched a movie and at the very end they show you a character that you never paid attention to and they were in every scene?! Yes, it was that kind of moment! Pictures flooded my mind; the late night rides with my mom… Jesus in the backseat with me. As a teenager walking to the altar… Jesus waiting at the end, smiling arms opened to me. All the partying I had done, Jesus making sure no harm would come to me. As a young woman on her wedding day… Jesus walking me down the aisle. It was in this simple moment, in a position of total surrender on my knees, that I had finally found my Father! I was no longer an orphan; I was adopted into His kingdom.
Day 5
Scripture: Psalms 139:14-16
“Hello Healing”
Today I want us to delight in the truth of who God says we are. The “more in me” was found the day I gave Jesus all my broken pieces AND truly forgave my earthly father. I realized that it’s a process and not a moment. This revelation helped me to accept what the Heavenly Father was trying to give. My mother used to share this poem with me, and I want to share it with you:
As children bring their broken toys in tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dream to God because He was my friend,
but then instead of leaving Him in peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help with ways that were my own.
At last I snatched them back and said, “How can you be so slow?”
He said, “My child, what could I do? You never let it go.”
-unknown author
It’s time to take out your ungodly belief list I asked you to make on day one. Some of you weren’t able to finish yours. That’s okay. Forgiveness is a process. When you are ready you will know. It took me 30 years. Over my healing process, I have made some huge mistakes, costly ones. Choosing to heal privately can be dangerous. Accountability is imperative on your spiritual journey. If you don’t have a church, find one, get plugged in, and find a mentor to walk this out with you. For today, it’s me and I am happy to be alongside of you.
Beside every ungodly belief I want you to write a Godly belief. For example, if you wrote, “You are ugly,” I want you to counter it with scripture, “I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” Then mark out the ungodly belief. After you are done, hang it on a mirror or someplace where you can read it every single day. You will begin to replace the lies with truth and change your negative mindset about yourself. God will see you through your bitter days to your better days.
In reading this devotional, I pray you will daily choose adoption over abandonment, restoration over retribution, and compassion over contempt. God forgave you so that you may forgive others. Do not let those around you remind you of who you used to be. You are a daughter of the King. As I wrote these days, I prayed for you. I prayed you would be open. I prayed for this very moment. When you truly find your Father, you’ll know.