Bible teacher Kelly Needham debunks our world’s constricted, small view of friendship and casts a richer, more life-giving, biblical vision for friendship as God meant it to be.
HarperCollins/Zondervan/Thomas Nelson
Day 1
Scriptures: Romans 12:2, Colossians 2:8, Proverbs 18:24
The gift of friendship has produced some of the sweetest joys I’ve ever known. It has saved me from despair, given me courage to do things I never dreamed possible, comforted me in grief and loss, and sheltered me in the storms of suffering. I don’t just like friendship; I love it.
By God’s unfathomable mercy, I’ve been raised on the good stuff. I’ve had great friendships from a young age, and mercifully some of my closest friends began following Jesus around the same time I did. I experienced depths of camaraderie before the age of thirty that many people wait their whole lives for. It is because of my profound love for friendship that I am so dissatisfied with anything less than the best—anything merely friend-ish. . . .
Most Christians aren’t used to looking for counterfeit friendship. We assume friendship, even the world’s version of it, is harmless. But the Bible doesn’t treat any worldly philosophy as harmless. In Romans 12:2 we are commanded “not [to] be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind.” In Colossians 2:8 we are warned not to be taken “captive by philosophy and empty deceit, according to human tradition, according to the elemental spirits of the world, and not according to Christ.” For the Christian, our friendships should not be according to the culture but according to Christ. Which, of course, begs the question, what is friendship according to Jesus? How does our faith affect our practice of this massive part of our lives? For many, all that their faith changes is the external trappings of their relationships. Instead of partying, we have Bible studies. Instead of clubbing, we host game nights. Instead of watching 50 Shades of Grey, we watch God’s Not Dead.
But is this God’s goal, to simply turn drinking buddies into accountability partners? To turn gossip sessions into prayer requests? No! Far be it from us to expect so little transformation in our friendships! When the spiritually dead receive new life in Christ, the entire heartbeat of friendship is transformed. So let’s fight for a biblical framework around our friendships, so we can see with clarity the rising tide of philosophies presented in our culture. By gaining a vision of friendship according to Jesus, we will no longer need to settle for something merely friend-ish.
Day 2
Scriptures: Isaiah 59:2, Luke 14:26, John 15:13-15, 1 John 3:1
Friendship was originally God’s idea. From walking with Adam and Eve in the cool of the day in Genesis to making his dwelling with us in Revelation, God’s plan has always been to befriend mankind. But, as Isaiah reminded us, “our iniquities have made a separation between you and your God, and your sins have hidden his face from you so that he does not hear” (Isa. 59:2). How can sinners be friends with a holy and just God? How will God reconcile sinners back into fellowship with him?
The answer: at great cost to himself.
This friendship we have with God is an expensive one. It is through the humble incarnation, the perfect obedience, the costly death, and the resurrection of Jesus that God reconciled us to himself. In Jesus we are saved. In Jesus we are reconciled to God. In Jesus we have a truly saving friendship.
But there’s a catch: Jesus is not content being one among our many friends. In Luke 14:26 he declares that “if anyone comes to me, and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.” Jesus demands our ultimate loyalty, to be our friend above all others. Our devotion to him should be so paramount that all other affections look like hate by comparison. Either Jesus is first in our life or he is not in our life. . . .
For the Christian, it is either God first and God alone or not at all. He will not settle for second or even share first place.
That good things can become ultimate is not a new concept. The best things in life often pose the greatest threat to our undivided devotion to God. . . .
Friendship is an irreplaceable gift of God. But like all of God’s gifts, it matters that we receive and enjoy it God’s way. Sex is a good gift from God, but only when enjoyed in marriage. Wealth is a good gift from God, but only when free from greed. And friendship is a good gift from God, but only when it fosters and preserves devotion to our One True Friend. It must always come second.
Day 3
Scriptures: 1 John 4:19, Mark 12:30-31, Matthew 5:44, Matthew 25:40
Because all our needs are met in Christ, we can now be a friend to all.
Don’t misread that. I didn’t say be friends with all. We’re limited people, and we cannot have hundreds of friends (sorry, Facebook). But we should be friends to all. This means we are not picky in our befriending. We extend friendship to whomever God has placed around us, not just those we click with. Remember, the second command is to love your neighbor as yourself. If you’re wondering who to befriend, start by looking at who God has already placed nearby. These are quite literally the neighbors you are called to love.
We need to stop for a moment and address a common myth: that great friendship is based on compatibility. Yes, there are some people we have an easier time getting along with. And there’s nothing wrong with that! These are the people who have similar personalities to us, with similar preferences and common interests. Building friendships with people who are like us is easy, because it doesn’t cost us much to love them. But while it is not wrong to have compatible friends, it is not an indicator of anything special.
Rather, it is the people with whom our personalities and preferences clash the most that force us to exhibit the truest form of love—a sacrificial love. To befriend people who aren’t like us requires that we set aside our own desires and tendencies to extend friendship to them. This is what Jesus calls us to: extending friendship not just to people we click with but to those who rub us the wrong way.
Being a friend to all also means befriending those who don’t seem to offer us anything in return. Children, adults with special needs, the elderly, the unpopular, and the poor are a few examples.
If we only befriend those who can obviously give something back to us, aren’t we only giving to get? Aren’t we simply befriending others out of love for ourselves? Choose to pursue friendships with people who don’t enhance your social circle and can’t pad your bank account. If you do, I promise you’ll be rewarded with a different kind of wealth. Because the kingdom of God belongs to the poor in spirit.
Day 4
Scriptures: Genesis 2:18, Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, Proverbs 13:20, 1 John 1:3, Matthew 18:20
If God is our stability and Jesus our closest companion, and if friendship with him is our source of significance and he is supposed to be “our everything,” then is it the case that we just don’t need anything from our friends? The answer: of course not!
When God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone,” he wasn’t only referring to marriage (Gen. 2:18). There are no lone rangers in God’s kingdom. Being able to live isolated and without community is not a sign of health but of pride. If God says we need other people, then it is humble and wise to embrace that need and seek to have it met.
The question is not if we need people. We certainly need something from our friends, but it isn’t what the world says we need. What we need are companions who will fight for our ultimate good: nearness to Christ.
So, then, how does that play out in friendship? What do we really need from one another? There are four distinct ways our friends meet our needs and continue to bolster our love for Christ:
1. Friends to deepen our joy in Christ.
2. Friends to battle with us.
3. Friends to carry us in our weakness.
4. Friends to be there for us.
With a list like this, it’s worth saying that seeking friends who can handle these needs will naturally make us look for people who already know and treasure Jesus. Of course, we can and should have non-Christian friends, but it is good for those in our closest circles to share our love for Jesus. Proverbs 13:20 reminds of us that we should be discerning about who we let into our inner circle, saying, “Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.”
Day 5
Scriptures: Revelation 7:9-10, Revelation 21:1-5, John 17:3, Galatians 6:8, Colossians 3:12-14
As Christians, we can handle the ebb and flow of relationships, because the future is bright for friendship. One day, we’ll find ourselves in a great multitude that no one can number, from every nation, tribe, people, and language, standing before the throne and before the Lamb, our friends by our sides, clothed in white robes, with palm branches in our hands, and crying out in a loud voice, “Salvation belongs to our God who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb!” (Rev. 7:9–10).
One day, God will dwell with us, and we will be his people and he will be our God. And he will wipe away every tear from our eyes, and death shall be no more. And Jesus will say, “Behold, I am making all things new” (Rev. 21:1–5). This world, as it is, is not our home. It is not all there is. We do not need to act like the culture, trying to soak up all the joy we can right now before it’s gone. We have the promise of new life together with everyone who calls on the name of the Lord. The future of our friendship is secure; we can rest in that. So let’s live for something bigger than the expansion of our own social empire. Let’s live for God and his kingdom. . . . Because, when our friendships find their purpose in something bigger than ourselves, they will shine with the rare brilliance God intended all along.
When we unite together, not for the worldly purpose of satisfying our own desires for friendship but with the eternal purpose of fighting side by side to see God’s kingdom come on earth, we too will see the beauty and ultimate satisfaction of coming together as true comrades. With Christ at the center, our friendships will shine so brightly that all other versions will be but a flickering candle in the light of the sun. Let’s stop indulging in the counterfeits of the world and instead live for our King and his kingdom. Together.