FRIENDSHIP.

Scripture: Genesis 2:18-25

Made for relationships 

Over the past few years several studies have suggested that social isolation or loneliness poses a bigger risk to our health than smoking or obesity. Loneliness has the same effects on your body as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. The negative effects of loneliness and our desire for friendship shouldn’t surprise us. Our great God is himself relational. He exists relationally as God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit. Humanity (that’s you and me) is created in his image. So we have been created as relational beings. We have been created for relationships. In Genesis 2 the only thing that is not good in the garden is that Adam has no complement. There is no partner for him. He is alone until God creates Eve and declares his creation to be very good. So, as humans made in the image of God we are made for relationships. We are made for relationships. We are made for friendship. 

Question Why is friendship essential to our humanity? How does knowing that we are made for friendship change your understanding of what it means to be a friend? 

Prayer Dear God, thank you that you have made humanity in your image. Thank you that you have made us relational beings. Please help us to know how to be a friend to the people you have placed in our lives. Please help us to love and care for those we know who are lonely. 

Scripture: John 15:9-14

Friendship is a product of love

In the moments leading up to this passage (vv. 1-8), Jesus had been teaching that the mark of being one of his disciples is fruitfulness. He uses an agricultural metaphor to demonstrate his point: God is the gardener, watering and caring for the vine; Jesus is the true vine; and his disciples are the branches of the vine. What flows through the vine flows through the branches, and the branches bear fruit. Jesus is saying that his disciples will bear fruit that reflects who he is. Jesus then goes on to talk about love. In verse 9 it’s clear that just as the Father loved Jesus, Jesus has loved the disciples. And he wants them to remain in his love. But how are they to remain in his love? By loving each other as Jesus has loved them (v. 12). 

The Father loved Jesus, Jesus loved his disciples, and Jesus commands his disciples to love each other just has he has loved them. We see love flow from the gardener to the vine to the branches. Maybe you’re wondering how this relates to friendship? Well, look at what Jesus says next: “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. You are my friends if you do what I command.” (vv. 13-14) And we know Jesus’ command is that they love each other as he has loved them (v. 12). It’s in the context of love that friendship exists. Jesus seems to be suggesting that you can’t be a friend without love. Friendship doesn’t stand alone as a concept. Love and friendship go hand in hand. Jesus showed this love by going to the cross for his friends. 

Questions How does knowing that you can’t be a friend without love change your understanding of friendship? What steps could you take to cultivate loving friendships? 

Prayer Thank you, Father, for the gift of friendship. Thank you for sending your Son who is the model of friendship, the friend who loved the most. Please help me to be a loving friend like Jesus. Amen. 

Scripture: 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

How friends love

Jesus has shown us in John 15 that friendship is a product of love. Sometimes the notion of love can feel like an abstract or wishy-washy concept. Paul’s definition of love in 1 Corinthians 13 can be really helpful in thinking through what it means to be a friend who loves. This passage – which is not about husbands and wives – is helpful to understand how friends should love. A friend is patient and kind. A friend doesn’t get jealous or brag or keep a record of all the times they’ve been hurt. A friend stops others from doing something evil and points to the truth. A friend protects, trusts, hopes and perseveres. At this point you may be feeling rather overwhelmed. Who can possibly live up to this? Who among us can be a friend who constantly loves like this?  And the simple answer is: no one. But the more accurate answer is: no one but Jesus. Remember, he is the perfect friend. He is the one in whom all these marks of friendship are perfectly fulfilled. When we look to Jesus we see the truest friend you could possibly ask for. This is the friend we all need. And what a friend he is.

Question Are you a friend who embodies the qualities of 1 Cor 13: 4 – 7? Are there some things you need to repent of, apologise for or ask God to help you grow in? 

Prayer Heavenly Father, please help us to be friends who are patient and kind. Help us to not get jealous or brag or keep a record of all the times we have been hurt. Please give us wisdom to stop our friends from doing something evil and point them to the truth. Please help us to be a who friend protects, trusts, hopes and perseveres. 

Scripture: John 15:13-14

Friendship is sacrificial

In John 15 Jesus teaches that friendship is sacrificial—that “greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends”. And we know that Jesus did go on to do exactly that. We see that true love comes at a cost. Friendship will be costly in terms of our personal convenience and time, and as we move out of our comfort zone and make ourselves vulnerable. Friendship may cost us personal convenience. It may mean doing things that your friend wants to do rather than something you want to do because they are having a rough time. It may mean changing plans to help someone. Friendship may cost time. It may mean giving up time to call a friend to say hi and check in when you would much rather lie on the couch and watch TV. It may mean keeping commitments with friends when life gets crazy. Friendship may cost intimacy. It may mean opening up your life and heart and letting someone else know the real you. Friendship costs as you need to be vulnerable and that is not fun. Friendship is costly as it takes you out of your comfort zone. As Jonathan Holmes says, “if love in its highest and greatest form was demonstrated through Christ’s self-sacrificial death on our behalf, then clearly the love we display to one another through our friendships must also be characterised by self-sacrifice”.

Questions How can you be self-sacrificial in your friendships? Have you been self-centred in your friendships and need to ask God to help you change? What are some practical ways you can serve your friends? 

Prayer Dear Heavenly Father, please help me to be a loving and sacrificial friend like Jesus. Thank you for sending your Son Jesus who served us and loved us by dying for his friends. Amen. 

Spend some time thanking God for the friends he has put in your life who have served you.  

Scripture: John 15:16-17

Friendship is outward looking 

Jesus doesn’t have friends for the sake of it. In John 15:16 Jesus says he expects his friends to bear fruit: “You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last”. 

The purpose of friendship isn’t to sit with someone and gaze at our navels. 

The purpose of friendship isn’t to sit in an enclosed group and let no one else in. 

The purpose of friendship isn’t collecting friends so you can say you have the most. 

The purpose of friendship is to bear fruit for God’s kingdom—fruit that reflects the love Jesus has shown his friends. 

If two friends love one another, their love attracts others. Biblical friendship is an open circle that says the more the merrier; please come and join us. Biblical friendship doesn’t allow for cliques. Cliques are a group of inward-looking people who have said that this little group is our little group and no one else is welcome. This is the opposite of the model of friendship that Jesus gives us. 

Questions How can you use your friendships to build God’s kingdom? How can you be better at applying the gospel and speaking gospel truths in your friendships? 

Prayer Dear God, please help me to be outward looking in my friendships so that I can help to build your kingdom. Please give me boldness to love openly and be welcoming to all those you place in my life. Amen. 

Scripture: John 15:15

Being a friend of God

Jesus is the one who laid down his life for his friends. After he spoke the words in John 15, the very next day he went to the cross and took upon himself the punishment for sin. When we look at the cross we see the friend who loves the most, sacrifices the most and looks outward the most. Jesus is the ultimate model of biblical friendship. And the most incredible thing is that Jesus invites us to be his friends. Jesus says in verse 14: “You are my friends if you do what I command”. He considers us his friends when we continue in his love and in obedience to him. As friends of Jesus we now know everything he knows. Through Jesus we know everything that his Father has taught him. Through Jesus we know God. Through Jesus we can be friends with God. This truth is absolutely mind blowing. We can say that we are friends with God! In the Old Testament there are only two people who God refers to as a friend in relation to himself. One of them is Moses (Exod 33:11) and the other is Abraham (Isa 41:8). In those instances, we see that God calls those who belong to him his friend. God has befriended us in Jesus. He is all we need. We may have different kinds of relationships, but Jesus alone satisfies.

Question How has God shown himself to be a faithful friend to you over the past few months or years?

Prayer Dear Father in Heaven, thank you that you sent Jesus into the world to reconcile people to yourself. Thank you that through Jesus’ death and resurrection we have the privilege of being friends with you. Please help us to use this privilege to bear fruit for your kingdom. Amen

Scripture: Proverbs 18:24

A friend is close

 A friend is someone who is close to you. In some cases there are friends who are closer to us then our biological relatives. We see in this passage that in friendship there is a deepness to your relationship. You have lowered down your wall of defences and made yourself vulnerable. They know the real you, warts and all. There is real intimacy. 

In my twenties I lived in a different town to my family, and after a few years I realised that my friends had become like family. It was my friends who knew my fears and where I was at. And they knew this because I had let them in. I’d been intimate with them about my hopes, dreams, fears and emotions. They knew me deeply. You don’t need to be geographically close to be a close friend. Friends may be separated by time and space but can still be close, especially with the help of technology. 

Over the years I’ve come to appreciate that there’s a difference between a friend and an acquaintance. Drew Hunter describes it as the difference between snorkelling and deep-sea diving. When you go snorkelling, you hover on the surface and kind of bob along. You see things from a distance through metres of water. It’s beautiful and fun, but you don’t get to see things up close. Deep-sea diving, on the other hand, is quite different. You go down, you go into depth, you get to see things up close and personal. It’s totally okay to have acquaintances. I have lots of them and when I see them I have lots of fun. But it’s helpful to know that they are not friends. 

Question Do you struggle to go deeper than superficialities in your conversations with friends? If so, how can you change this? If no, how can I encourage my friends to have deep conversations? 

Prayer Thank you God for the gift of friendship that allows us to share deeply with our brothers and sisters. Please help us to be vulnerable in our friendships for the sake of your kingdom. Amen. 

Scripture: Proverbs 17:17

A friend is constant

There are several beautiful examples of the constancy of friendship in the Bible. Two of my favourites are probably the most well-known. With David and Jonathan, even though Jonathan’s father wanted to kill David, Jonathan remained steadfastly loyal to David. We learn that Jonathan loved David as himself (1 Samuel 18:1). Similarly, Ruth and Naomi had a friendship that led Ruth to leave behind her family and culture; they were so close they were like family. These friends were there for each other through thick and thin. It’s helpful to think about constancy as stickiness, because friends stick with you no matter what. A friend is there in the hard times more than the good. This means that biblical friendships are not disposable or fleeting. No matter the obstacles thrown at your friend, you remain stuck to them like glue. Of course, the opposite of this is the fair-weather friend—one who is only there in the good times. You may have some laughs but as soon as things get tough, they disappear. If a friend disappears in the hard times, are they really a friend? 

Question How can you be sticky in your friendships? Are you a friend who disappears when things get hard? If yes, how can you become a more constant friend? 

Prayer Heavenly Father, please help us to be friends who are constant. Just as Jesus is constant in his love for us, please help us to love and care for our friends through the thick and thin. Amen. 

Scripture: Proverbs 27:6

A friend is candid

As Oscar Wilde said, “good friends stab you in the front”. Friends talk honestly: they counsel, they rebuke, they speak well. Friends speak the truth in love. Friends don’t always tell you what you want to hear. They tell you what you need to hear. And this brings up an important point about being candid in friendship. You can listen to the hard words because there is trust. Friends are trustworthy. They won’t share what you’ve told them. There is no fear. 

Friendship should be a safe space where there is honesty and trust. It’s really important that we have Christian friends, as they will be the ones who build, equip and rebuke us because we have the same foundation. Of course, if the purpose of friendship is to point others to Jesus, it’s really important to have non-Christian friends too, as these are amazing gospel opportunities. As another friend once said to me, if we really love our friends we will pray for them to know Jesus. But we listen to the advice of my non-believing friends differently. They are coming from a different standpoint so it is important that we filter their advice through our Christian worldview. 

Question Do you have people in your life who can speak to you hard truths? If not, what can you do about that? 

Prayer Dear Heavenly Father, please help me to be a friend who speaks the truth in love. Please help me to be a friend who can say both the kind and hard words when needed. When friends speak hard truths to me please help me to be gracious and loving. Amen. 

Scripture: Proverbs 16:28

A friend is careful with their words

Friends are careful with their tongues. How many friendships do you know that have been damaged by idle gossip or a loose tongue? Friends don’t repeat what has been told to them in confidence. They don’t break trust. This overlaps a lot with friends being candid: we need to be careful in how and when we use our words. Friends are careful to use their words to build people up and not tear them down. The converse side of this truth is that friends use their words to encourage and not demotivate. Friends use their words to point people to Jesus. A friend uses their words to point non-believers to Jesus and to help believers to grow in their love and knowledge of him. 

Question What are some specific ways you can encourage your friends with your words? Are there some behaviours that tend towards gossiping with your words that you need to repent of? 

Prayer Gracious God, please help us to speak words that are full of light and salt. Please help us to build people up with our words rather than tear them down. Please remove from our hearts tendencies towards gossip. Amen. 

Scripture: Proverbs 22:24-25

A friend is careful in choosing their friends

Who we spend our time with can change and shape us as people. Through their counsel, love and support our friends shape us deeply and influence many of the decisions we make in life. In this proverb God wants us to know that because of this truth we shouldn’t be friends with everyone. Some people can lead us astray. Our friends, their attitudes and characteristics can rub off on us. We learn their ways and may find ourselves ensnared. This means that being a friend and friendship itself requires discernment. We need to think wisely about who we should be friends with. 

This notion is not only found in Proverbs. In the book of Job, God rebukes Job’s friends because they gave him bad counsel. They were leading him away from God and undermining his confidence in him. In Deuteronomy we see that friends can lead you astray to worship false gods (Deut 13:6). God is saying who we make friends with matters. We need to be discerning when we think about friendship. 

Question Are there some friendships that are unwise or harmful to us? What could you do about this? 

Prayer Dear God, please help us to be careful and wise in choosing our friends. Please help me to be a friend who points people to you not turns them away. If we are stuck in unhealthy friendships, please give us wisdom to know what to do. Amen. 

Scripture: 1 Peter 4:8-9

Opening your life for friendship

We know God because he is a God who speaks. We are created in his image and one of the main ways we know each other is through conversation—through self-revelation. Friendship grows when we open up our lives to other people. This passage highlights the importance of hospitality in opening our lives to friendship and loving as friends ought. 

Throughout the Bible, meals play an important role in the lives of God’s people. There are meals for celebrations and remembrance (Exod 24:11; Deut 12:7; John 2:1-11; Luke 22:15-16). Jonathan and David shared many meals together as they lived and served in the palace. And heaven is described as one big banquet with people from all nations (Isa 25:6; Rev 19:7-9). Opening your home can be scary but it doesn’t need to be Martha Stewart-calibre hospitality. Some of my fondest memories of times with friends have been around a takeaway pizza, surrounded by piles of clothes still to be folded. 

Maybe as you leave church on a Sunday you could invite someone for lunch. Ask them what they found encouraging about the sermon or church generally. Or maybe you could intentionally keep one evening a week free to have someone over for dinner. Another idea is to have dinner as a regular part of your Bible study group. Please don’t hear me saying that you can only do hospitality in your home. For some of us there are good reasons for not doing this. Going out for dinner is good too. The point is that friends eat together. 

Question So how do you open your home to share meals with others? How can you open up your life to make time for hospitality and friendship? 

Prayer Dear Heavenly Father, please help us to be people who offer hospitality to others without grumbling. Please help to find spaces in our lives where we can show love to others and show them the love that you have shown us. Amen. 

Scripture: 2 Samuel 1:25-26

Thank God for friends

When we read David’s eulogy for Jonathan in 2 Samuel 1 it can break our hearts. In great anguish David named his friend, thanked God for him and said publicly what he appreciated about him. Friendship is a great gift that God has given us in his mercy to bear fruit for his kingdom. Biblical friendships can give strength and encouragement to us in our lives as believers. We should be very thankful to God for the gift of friendship. 

It’s hard to know how to build a friendship if you don’t know who you need to work with. I encourage you to get out a piece of paper and write down the names of your friends. This is one of the most helpful ways to cultivate friendship. When we name our friends, we can see that we do have friends, that we may need to put some more effort into certain friendships, reassess some friendships and maybe free ourselves up to pursue some new friendships. Naming our friends also allows us to pray for our friends and thank God for them. I’ve been convicted that I don’t pray regularly enough with or for my friends. I need to be a bit more like David. 

Question Who are some friends in your life that you should thank God for? Pray for them by name.

Prayer Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for the friends that you have placed in my life. Thank you for … [name your friends]. Please help me to be a friend who is loving, sacrificial and one who looks outward from myself and is a friend who bears fruit for your kingdom. Amen. 

Scripture: Hebrews 13:1

Loving everyone

As Christians we are called to love all our brothers and sisters. This is helpful to remember as we go about our day to day lives. This truth is also helpful to remember when we go to church each week. This passage reminds us that we don’t go to church to make friends. Rather, we go to church to serve and love your brothers and sisters. And as we love others, these relationships can often turn into the unlikeliest of friendships. In the name of love you may start reading the Bible one-to-one with someone who is really different to you. When I was a student minister I decided to read the Bible one-to-one with a girl from church who I had absolutely nothing in common with. We really were like chalk and cheese. But as we spent the year reading God’s word together we became closer and closer, and she is now a friend. 

Question Are there people at church who you have nothing in common with but because of Jesus’ command to love one another you have become friends? How can you encourage others to love and serve their brothers and sisters?  How can you model loving your brothers and sisters to those around you? 

Prayer Dear Heavenly Father, please give me strength to love all my brothers and sisters. Thank you for the privilege it is to serve alongside our brothers and sisters. If it is your will, please turn these relationships into loving friendships. Amen.