You were expecting happily ever after, but if you’ve been married longer than a week, you may now be thinking: “What did I get myself into?” God designed marriage not only to make us happy but as a laboratory to learn to love well. Dr. Carol shows you how to think and pray as you work together with God to build a fully alive marriage.
Dr. Carol Ministries
Day 1
Scriptures: Romans 8:29, Proverbs 21:19, 1 Peter 3:7
The Union of Two Sinners
Every marriage is the union of two sinners. It’s a wonder any marriage survives. When their marriage faces problems, most people think, “If only my spouse would change, we might be OK.”
Yes, you married a sinner. You married someone who doesn’t follow through on their promises, doesn’t understand you, says and does things that hurt you, and regularly fails to be the kind of spouse you need, want, and thought you were marrying. You married someone who misbehaves, is stubborn and irresponsible, doesn’t listen, or gets angry or emotional. Or perhaps you married someone with all those traits.
But there’s another inconvenient truth. Your spouse married a sinner too! You, too, don’t meet their needs, fail to understand, act out of selfishness, and are a downright failure at being the spouse God needs you to be.
Romans 8:29 indicates God’s grand purpose for you is that you “be conformed to the image of his Son.” He designed that you become someone who looks like, thinks like, acts like, and loves like Jesus.
God is love. Being transformed into Christ’s likeness means you learn to love as Jesus loves. That kind of love is not weak or sentimental. It’s both tough and tender, understanding and fierce.
You can’t become like Jesus by trying harder. So God created ways for you to enter His laboratory to experience the transformation your heart needs. And marriage is one of His best laboratories.
Marriage is a laboratory in which you learn to love well.
Living with another sinner shows your own “stuff” in unpleasant and frustrating ways. Trying to come closer to your spouse, you discover how your prickliness drives them away. If you’re paying attention, you see the lies you’ve come to believe, the wounds you’ve accumulated, and the empty places in your soul.
What’s it like to be married to you? This is not an exercise in self-contempt; it’s looking at yourself with honesty and compassion, the way Jesus does.
You can only change yourself anyway, or more accurately, you and God working together can address the places in your heart that marriage exposes and that He wants to transform so you can become like Jesus.
How might God be using the laboratory of your marriage to transform you?
Day 2
Scriptures: Philippians 2:3-4, Ephesians 5:21, Ephesians 5:25, Ephesians 5:33
Giving or Taking
As you seek to follow Jesus, you understand that your life is not solely for your pleasure. He calls you to generously give of who you are and what you have to benefit others. That might include volunteering at church, giving money to support your church or other charities, or offering your time and energy to help others.
Many Christians don’t fully apply this to marriage. You said, “I do,” expecting your spouse to meet your needs and make you happy. Consciously or unconsciously, you see marriage as a contract that says, “I’ll stay as long as you make me feel good. I don’t love you; I love how you make me feel.”
Marriage is not a contract; it’s a covenant, and in a covenant, you are making a promise of what you will do because of who you are, not based on what your spouse does. It’s a statement of what you will give, not what you demand in return.
Covenant is how God relates to us. He loves us not because we’re lovable but because that’s who He is. He can’t not love. He interacts with us based on His character, not our behavior.
Let’s acknowledge that evil has invaded God’s design for marriage, and some marriages become toxic. God has made provision and, at times, releases someone from an ongoingly destructive marriage.
Remember, marriage is not to make you happy. Marriage is God’s laboratory for you to learn to love well. Loving is more about what you can give, not what you can get.
Prayerfully consider this: Who is God calling you to be to your spouse this season?
God never calls you to belittle, manipulate, criticize, demean, or harm your spouse emotionally, sexually, or spiritually. Demanding your own “rights” is always wrong.
Who is He calling you to be? That might require taking your grubby hands off your spouse so God can do His work in their heart. Sometimes it means having difficult conversations and staying engaged when you’d rather walk away. It might mean confronting bad behavior or setting difficult boundaries while keeping your heart open. It always means fighting for your marriage on your knees.
Who is God calling you to be to your spouse in this season?
Day 3
Scriptures: Ecclesiastes 4:12, Matthew 11:28-30
Christ as the Foundation
Since marriage is the union of two sinners, your relationship is a setup for disaster—but for God.
It sounds good. You know you should make Christ the foundation of your marriage. “Build your marriage on the Rock,” as the saying goes. Relying on whatever human strength you and your spouse have is not enough to make it. You need God with you; “a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” But how do you put that into practice?
There are plenty of marriages among church people that don’t last. You probably know several of them. Perhaps you’ve experienced divorce yourself. So you and your spouse must do more than call yourselves Christians and go to church when it works out for you.
Here are two ways to make Christ the foundation of your marriage.
1. Learn from Jesus.
You didn’t know all there is to know about marriage and relationships when you got married. You had learned how to “do” feelings, communication, conflict, intimacy, sex, money, male/female roles, and much more before you knew you were learning them. The things you saw, heard, and experienced growing up greatly color how you do marriage now.
Some of the things you learned may have been very good, and others were incomplete and downright harmful. Be a learner, and make Jesus your chief Teacher. He invites you, “Learn from me.” This is not just reading Bible verses about marriage. Take time to learn how Jesus did things, such as feelings and communication, and practice “doing” relationships the way He did. That’s what learning to love well looks like.
2. Invite Jesus to be present.
Things don’t stay the same when Jesus shows up. When Jesus showed up while here on earth, people were healed, dead things came to life, lies were exposed, shame was relieved, and humans were restored to wholeness as God originally planned for them to be.
Your marriage won’t stay the same when Jesus shows up there, either. On your knees, yourself, and together with your spouse, invite Jesus right into the middle of your messy marriage. Whatever challenge you’re facing, He already knows about it and has an answer. Let your frantic emotions quiet down and become still so you can hear Him. Seek His perspective and His presence. Things will change. Most importantly, you will change.
What part of your marriage do you need to learn about from Jesus? Where do you need Him to be present?
Day 4
Scriptures: Genesis 2:24-25, Psalms 139:1, Psalms 139:23
Whole-Person Intimacy
Naked and without shame. Can you even imagine truly having no shame? Especially with nothing covering you?
The Hebrew used here is very picturesque; “naked” can just as well mean “have no barrier.” It doesn’t solely mean Adam and Eve had no clothes on their bodies. There was nothing between them—nothing physical, emotional, or spiritual. No hiding. They were seeing and being seen, knowing, and being known.
And they had no shame!
“Naked and unashamed” is a picture of the whole-person intimacy God intended you to experience physically, emotionally, and spiritually in marriage. That kind of intimacy is an earthly object lesson of the intimacy God experiences within Himself (Father, Son, and Spirit) and desires to have with you, one in which you’re seeing and being seen, knowing, and being known.
Who of us has experienced that fully? But when God created you with the need, desire, and capacity for intimacy, that’s what He had in mind.
Only a few verses after the Genesis reading today comes the serpent. When sin enters this world, shame enters. And the first thing Adam and Eve do is try to hide.
And we humans have been hiding ever since.
Hiding and intimacy are mutually exclusive. You can’t hide and experience intimacy at the same time. Taking the clothes off your body isn’t enough; you must also take the coverings off your heart and soul.
Consider how you have been hiding from your spouse, yourself, and God. Coming out from hiding and pursuing true intimacy can feel scary. It’s vulnerable. It feels easier to go through the motions of sex or to say an intellectual prayer.
But your heart was made for intimacy, and it will not be satisfied with anything less.
Pursuing intimacy with God and intimacy with your spouse are not unrelated. You must begin taking the coverings off the places in your soul you’d rather keep hidden and risk being seen and known.
And when you do, you can experience the deeper level of healing, connection, and wholeness that your heart longs for.
Where have you been hiding? How will you begin pursuing intimacy now and let yourself be fully known?
Day 5
Scriptures: James 1:5, James 4:2-3, James 4:7
Fighting Your Marriage on Your Knees
Your spouse is not your enemy. But your relationship does have an enemy—Satan and his kingdom of darkness. The only effective strategy against evil and what the enemy desires to do in destroying your marriage is to remain on your knees.
Here are five ways to pray that align with what God is doing in you, your spouse, and your relationship.
1. Jesus, HELP!
You can’t do this on your own. Since your marriage is the union of two sinners, you know that without Jesus’ presence, you’re sunk.
Ask Him to intervene, to do what only He can do. Invite Him right into the middle of your messy marriage. Don’t try to micromanage Him or grasp for a specific outcome. Let Him do His work.
2. Jesus, what’s going on here?
How helpful this prayer will be! Hearing Jesus’ answer to this question can take you out of your emotional quagmire and shine a light on the next step you are to take.
Your marriage struggles might echo family-of-origin patterns, a lack of needed skills, or the reflection of immaturity. They might also be a more direct assault from the kingdom of darkness. If so, your soul can become stirred to more direct spiritual warfare, such as pleading the blood of Jesus.
3. Jesus, how do You see my spouse’s heart?
If your spouse has an evil heart, you will need to respond differently than if they are acting out of pain or simply lacking good models to learn from.
Seeing your spouse’s heart from God’s perspective helps you feel compassion for them as God does. Compassion doesn’t excuse bad behavior, but it brings you more clarity in knowing what to do next.
4. Jesus, how do You see my heart?
Remember, you’re a sinner here too. Jesus never looks at you with condemnation but with honesty and compassion. He sees the ways you’ve been sinned against and the ways you’ve sinned in response.
Asking Jesus to search your heart and show you how He sees you, can leave you feeling vulnerable. Do it anyway. Your heart can be safe with Him.
5. Jesus, what next step do You need me to take?
Cooperating with God means God works, and we work. In building a fully alive marriage, there will always be steps God needs you to take. What are they?
This is not running ahead of God, trying to control the outcome. Neither is it sitting back and waiting for God to do everything. Sometimes the steps He needs you to take are in your heart and sometimes in how you relate to your spouse.
Ask these questions and then wait quietly in His presence for Jesus to answer. This will prove invaluable as you build a fully alive marriage.