Grace to Grieve: After the Loss of a Child

Scriptures: Job 1:13-22, Proverbs 3:5-6

Acknowledge Your God 

When we face trauma and tribulation, particularly the loss of a child, we hope to face it with the same grace as Job. In his season of inconceivable grief (after losing all his children in a single day among everything he owned), Job still had the ability to acknowledge God. Despite being in deep anguish, Job never blamed God. Job was able to acknowledge that everything he had was given to him by God. We hope when we are abruptly stripped of everything we believe belonged to us, we can still acknowledge God’s exceeding capacity for greatness. But Job’s experience and outlook will not always be our reality. 

The loss of a child is never something you can prepare for—even if you have an idea you may lose that child due to doctor’s reports, sickness, or otherwise. Older generations often say it is “unnatural” to have to bury your child. Indeed, it does feel that way. From conception, you expect to raise and mold your child into adulthood and eventually, your child(ren) will bury you and mourn for you. Instead, as a result of seemingly unnatural circumstances, you are left with this immeasurable grief, feeling shame and guilt, and maybe even questioning your very existence and the whys and hows of your loss. 

Some tragedies will leave you with permanent scars (physical, mental, and emotional) that may serve to paralyze you. In those moments when you feel trapped, depressed, or insufficient, acknowledge God. The reason for your loss is something which you may never know the answer–reminding us that we are not to lean on our own understanding, but to put our complete trust in God despite how we feel (Prov. 3:5). Even in Job’s despair, he found strength to worship the Lord and acknowledge that despite his lack of understanding, God was still trustworthy and he had to continue to trust God. 

It may feel unnatural to bless God while in so much despair but do it anyway. After losing my first two babies, my Angels, I found it difficult to acknowledge God. I blamed God for a long time and found no solace in prayer. Eventually, the revelation of God’s persistent presence began to chip away at my stony and seemingly unforgiving heart. Somehow, my renewed understanding that God was aware of exactly where I was comforted me. We may not find ourselves handling our grief with nearly the same grace as Job, but we can at least acknowledge that He is still God and He is worthy of our trust again. We can still turn to Him in our time of grief. When I began to acknowledge God while grieving, the bondages of despair slowly began to dissolve and I finally began to see Him again. 

God sees you. He is aware of exactly where you are. Take a moment just to acknowledge Him and who He is/has been to you.

Prayer: Lord, even if I do not have the grace of Job to stand strong in my faith while in so much pain, I know that You can give me the strength to overcome. Help me to acknowledge You in this time of grief. Even if I cannot feel Your presence or Your love for me right now, remind me that You are here, ready and willing to assist whenever I am ready to release this burden to You. Amen.

Scriptures: Job 3:1-13, Psalms 30:5, Psalms 55:22

Acknowledge Your Pain 

At my lowest point, I began to have suicidal ideations. I had just lost two angels—my daughter, Angel Taylor, was born sleeping at 6 months. Not even a year later, my son, Michael Angel, was born with all the signs of life and vitality at 7 months, only to pass away a few hours after birth. With their deaths, it seemed my hope, joy, peace, dreams, aspirations, and conviction to live were cremated and scattered with their ashes. 

All loss comes with some element of mental anguish, but the loss of a child is one that can easily make you feel as if you have been stripped of identity and purpose. You can get lost in thoughts of what you could have done differently and who your child could have become. Or you can attempt to distract yourself from the grief and pain you are feeling. I did both and neither were healthy or helpful. Know that the pain that you feel today does not last forever–joy comes in the morning (Ps. 30:5). 

Other than names like “angel mom” that we give ourselves, there is no name for a parent who has lost a child. That does not make the loss or our pain any less significant. Take a moment to assess the gravity and depth of where you are on your grief journey. And if you can, give it a name. Are you struggling with guilt? Is it shame? Are you entertaining suicidal ideations? Give yourself a moment to acknowledge your pain and express how your grief impacts you. 

Although Job is often praised for his ability to worship God during his grief, Job was in such despair that he tore his clothes, shaved his head and even cursed the day he was born. Whether you need to cry, scream, wail, rave or all the above, remember that every emotion is valid. Memorialize your thoughts and feelings in a journal or a personal voice memo. The Word of the Lord encourages us to fully cast our burdens upon Him and He will sustain us (Ps. 55:22). So once you have memorialized your thoughts, share that pain with God who desires to help carry the load. Read or say your thoughts aloud to Him.

Prayer: Lord, I am in so much pain right now. It feels as if my life has been turned upside down. I am struggling with (guilt, shame and finding a reason to live). Help me acknowledge my pain and show me that I can endure and overcome this. Help me to cast my burdens upon you that you may assist me in navigating through my grief and trauma. Help me as only You can. Amen.

Scriptures: Psalms 139:13-17, Genesis 1:26-27

Acknowledge Your Good 

It is easy to forget all the positive attributes of ourselves when grief and feelings of shame consume us. ‘My body failed me.’ This thought resonates with many women who have suffered child loss. You feel shame that this body God created to bring about the miracle and blessing of new life has failed you. You may feel ugly and worthless. I did. Depending on what stage you suffered your loss, you may have even experienced what should have been the joy of an everchanging body created to nourish your child. But now, the thoughts of your ever-changing body only haunt you and add to the mental and emotional trauma of your loss. 

Despite if you believe your body has failed you and is the source of your shame—Despite if you believe you are ugly and worthless—Despite if you believe that nothing good is left in your body and all virtue has been depleted, God has made you so wonderfully complex. Not only did He knit you together (Ps. 139:13), He created you in His own image (Gen. 1:26). You are a reflection of our Heavenly Father. You are a work of art fashioned by the Ultimate Creator. 

Today, take some time to reflect on one of God’s greatest miracles–you. Reflect on the wonders of your body and the miracle and value of your life. Write your good in the form of affirmations (even if it takes several days) and refer to them as needed. 

Prayer: Lord, despite what I may feel about myself and about my body, I know that you are the Master Creator. Help me remember that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, masterfully crafted by Your hands. Restore my vision of myself—a vision that I am great, powerful, and, most importantly, valuable. Amen.

Scriptures: Psalms 55:22, 1 Peter 5:7, 2 Corinthians 1:3-4, Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Acknowledge Your Support 

I was once in a place where I thought I could not pray as I no longer felt solace in prayer. I felt as if God had abandoned me and no longer inclined his ear to me to listen. And when I was finally ready to open myself back up to God and speak to Him, I felt as if I could not find the right words. Maybe you are in that place now. But God knows our troubles and He is ready and waiting for you to unload your burdens to Him. He tells us so plainly in His Word that we can cast our burdens and cares upon Him and He will sustain and lift us up. 

Despite His Word, because you have experienced so much emotional trauma and are suffering from mental anguish, it may be difficult to find the right words to say and/or to even find solace in prayer. This is true even if you were once a “prayer warrior” or even if you never truly prayed but want to now. But, God comforts us in all our afflictions so that we may comfort others. When we are unable to cast our cares upon Him alone, He lets us know that we have a community of support. In fact, He tells us that it is better to have support because when we fall, we will have someone there to lift us up (Ecc. 4:9-12). 

Since you may not feel like you know what to say or are not yet ready to pray, today, I will pray for you, and soon, you will be able to pray for yourself once again. 

When you are ready and able, take some time to find a community of angel moms to help support and uplift you. In them, you will find love and forge an unbreakable bond because of the shared, similar experience that no one else can relate to as you all can. 

Prayer: Heavenly Father, I come to Your throne of grace humbly. You are a sovereign God; even though we cannot always understand Your ways, we know You are good. My sister is struggling with overwhelming grief and may even be struggling with her identity, purpose, and feeling ashamed. She may not know how to come to You right now so hear my prayer on her behalf. Just as You rescued me from my deep, dark pit of despair, grief and depression, do the same for her. Restore the vision of her identity and purpose. Remove her guilt and shame. Show her that You are still God and that You are still good. Let her know that she can allow You to heal her heart, that she can acknowledge Your exceeding capacity, that she can recognize Your greatness despite her circumstances and that she can wholeheartedly trust You. You have never left nor forsaken her even in times that she has been unable to feel the rain of Your favor or Your mercy. Touch her mind and her heart so that she is no longer consumed by her grief and suffering. Show her that she can give You the burden of her grief and You will heal her. Thank you, Heavenly Father, for inclining Your ear to our hearts and our prayers. Thank you for Your healing virtue, for Your comforting spirit, and for Your love, grace, and mercy for us. Amen.

Scriptures: 2 Corinthians 12:9, Isaiah 49:15, Matthew 5:4, Psalms 147:3, Ecclesiastes 3:4, Ephesians 3:20

Acknowledge Your Grace 

The journey of navigating grief and getting to a place of peace and restored joy, a process I call finding your way to “Happily Angel After”, is an ever-evolving process. No two journeys are identical. The grief of child loss never truly goes away, but it evolves. Recounting your experience and memories may seem to completely cripple you now, but God’s grace is sufficient for you to go through this time of despair and suffering and to overcome (2 Cor. 12:9). In a few months, or maybe even years, you will be able to gracefully acknowledge your child’s memory with strength and fortitude and admire your own resilience. 

Because you have experienced immeasurable grief, you will be able to understand unspeakable joy. Some things you may have previously trivialized will become important to you. Even when the loss of your child no longer consumes your mind and spirit, the love for your child will never fade. The Word of God tells us it is “impossible” to forget our child (Is. 49:15).He lets us know that He heals the brokenhearted and those who mourn will be comforted. It is not an overnight process and you will be a different person when you overcome the burden of your grief. 

Acknowledge who you now are as a person because child loss and grief do change you. Acknowledge that your journey is uniquely yours and God has given you the grace to endure whatever you may face along the way. As the Word says, there is a time to weep and a time to mourn (Ecc. 3:4). But, know that you can be happy, live, and experience joy again and reclaim those things that were stripped or scattered, and when you do, it will not forsake your child’s memory. God does not want us to remain stagnant or merely survive. He wants us to live abundant lives as conquerors and warriors as beautifully as He created us (Eph. 3:20). And you will. 

Prayer: Lord, thank you for showing me that I do not have to mourn forever. You created me to be resilient, an overcomer, and more than a conqueror. Even though I may be consumed with my grief right now, I know that you can and will heal me. Thank You for Your perfect grace that covers me and Your pure love that strengthens me. Thank You for carrying me and caring for me. Thank You for providing me the support and love through the community that I need to endure this. I know that I can find my “Happily Angel After” and experience unspeakable joy after sorrow. So, thank You for restoring my peace and my joy. Thank You for mending me. Amen.

Although grief may be a continuous struggle, know that you do not have to be consumed and paralyzed by it. I can now recount my journey and still feel and experience joy and peace despite it; soon, you will as well. Revisit any of the five days and prayers/scriptures to help uplift and encourage yourself. If you want to know more about my journey and how God finally brought me through to my “Happily Angel After,” you may find my book Angel After—Shades of Grief, Guilt and God exclusively on Amazon. Again, I pray that you are encouraged, inspired, and motivated to find your way to your “Happily Angel After.”