Happily Ever After: Devotions From Time of Grace

Introduction “And they lived happily ever after.” Okay, okay, I know that only fairy tales end like that. But ask yourself–why do stories like Cinderella and Snow White have such staying power? They were retold for centuries even before Disney turned them into animated feature-length films. I think it’s because we resonate with so much in them. We like the main characters because of their happy, humble spirits. We groan with them as they suffer abuse at the hands of others. We root for them as they struggle against the odds. And our hearts feel happy when true love wins out in the end. Nobody begins a dating relationship planning on an ugly breakup. Nobody gets married thinking about a lengthy and messy divorce. Everybody dreams of a “happily ever after.” We, however, have to live in a sinful and broken world. Stuff happens. But God loves us and grieves when we struggle. In his Word he provides comfort for wounded hearts, guidance for times of tough decisions, and a beautiful template for those contemplating marriage. Ready for the adventure? Come on in.

Scriptures: 1 Corinthians 7:1, 1 Corinthians 7:7

When You’re Single: Love Your Singleness Do you think it’s strange to begin a devotional series on marriage by celebrating singleness? Here’s the point: You will probably not be able to build a happy marriage until you have learned to like and accept yourself as a single person. St. Paul wrote, “it is good for a man not to marry” (1 Corinthians 7:1). “I wish that all men were as I am [i.e., single]” (1 Corinthians 7:7). Huh?? What on earth could he mean? For one, God created you as a single person. He adopted you as a single person, drew you into his family, and developed a relationship with you all by yourself. For another, it is a dangerous fantasy to think that if you are miserable as a single person, marriage in and of itself will make you happy. Misery is portable. If you are insecure and needy as a single person, you could become a permanent energy drain on your poor spouse. But joy is portable too. So is contentment. Enjoy who you are–a masterpiece of God’s design, dearly loved, redeemed by Christ, and immortal. It’s much more fun to be married to someone who’s secure and at peace.

Scripture: 1 Corinthians 7:32

When You’re Single: Cherish Your Independence Marriage is a serious partnership. Once you are married, everything you do has to be in step with your partner. It’s no longer my money. It’s our money. It’s no longer my vacation. It’s our vacation. Our time off. Our apartment. Our car. Our TV. Our kitchen. Before you commit to marriage, ask yourself, “Am I ready to give up my freedom?” St. Paul, a lifelong bachelor, found that his choice of lifestyle had a lot going for it. “I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs–how he can please the Lord” (1 Corinthians 7:32). Did you notice the second advantage to singleness that Paul mentions? As a single person, you can volunteer much more time to serving the Lord than a spouse or parent can. You can make more unilateral decisions, travel more, and take more risks. Some of the greatest missionaries and most dedicated educators in Christian history chose the single life so that they could serve the Lord more effectively. They had great lives too.

Scripture: 1 Corinthians 6:18

When You’re Single: Flee Adultery It might seem pointless to try to advocate for celibacy among single people in the 21st century, that it’s a battle long lost. Do it anyway. It’s never too late to relearn God’s ways. If even one heart is changed, if even one life is blessed, it’s worth it. Even while tolerating and encouraging sexual behavior outside of marriage, all societies know that there are social and personal costs to it. Inconvenient pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases are just two. God knows of those costs and more, for it was he who designed marriage as the exclusive place for human sexuality. He guided St. Paul to write, “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body” (1 Corinthians 6:18). Whose word and ways can you trust more than God’s? He who sent his own Son as a sacrificial lamb to take away the sin of the world isn’t going to promote behaviors that will hurt us. The things he forbids really are destructive and painful. His will is good; his commandments protect precious things. Like marriage. Like your body.

Scripture: Song of Songs 1:2

When You’re Dating: Enjoy the Magnetism Mother Ann Lee, the founder of the peculiar American religious sect called the Shakers, was terribly afraid of the corrupting power of sexuality. She kept the men and women in her communities largely separate. Dating and marriage were forbidden. That fear of sex’s power to destabilize the brain may have been part of the church’s motivation for many centuries to hold forth life in a monastery as superior to and holier than marriage and family life. In God’s view, there is nothing inherently dirty about human sexuality. He made it for us to enjoy. The Song of Songs in the Bible is essentially the libretto to a romantic musical (alas, the original music was not able to be preserved) that describes the longing and ecstasy of human emotional and physical love. The “Lover” and the “Beloved” express their rapture and delight in their love: “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth–for your love is more delightful than wine” (Song of Songs 1:2). The romantic and physical magnetism that you feel toward the opposite sex is God’s gift. Enjoy it.

Scripture: 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

When You’re Dating: You Are Not Your Own The magnificent victory that Christ won on his cross was not only for the purpose of liberating us from our worst nightmares–sin’s guilt and power, the grave, damnation in hell. Christ Jesus set us free, but not to wander on our own. He set us free so that he could then claim us as his own. He desires nothing less than to remake us in his image: to think holy thoughts, love him and other people, and find joy in being of service to his grand agenda. St. Paul wrote, “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body” (1 Corinthians 6:19,20). The best advice that Christian parents can give their teenagers about going out on dates is to remember at all times who they are. They are not sovereign and independent agents. They are not their own. They are connected to a family. And they are loved and claimed by the Savior who died so that they could live.

Scripture: 2 Corinthians 6:14

When You’re Dating: Will She Encourage Your Faith? Do strong dating relationships just happen, more or less by accident, or are they carefully chosen? I guess the answer is both. Sometimes you plan the relationship. And sometimes you are startled to realize that you have fallen in love with someone you thought was just a friend. A key question is what to do when you realize that you are getting deeper and deeper into a relationship with someone who is not a Christian. It’s just not a good idea for a Christian to marry a non-Christian. “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common?” (2 Corinthians 6:14). Granted–that is a principle, not a law. It is possible, of course, that you may help an unbeliever come to faith in Christ. But it is just as likely that the nonbeliever will become a boat anchor in your spiritual life and drag you under. What will married life be like if your faith in Christ is just tolerated? mocked? sabotaged? resented? Wouldn’t you rather go through life with someone who will pray for you? pray with you? go to church with you? read the Scripture with you? sing hymns with you? receive Holy Communion with you? be a true partner in raising your children as Christians?

Scripture: Genesis 24:3

When You’re Dating: Listen to Your Parents and Friends Everybody is capable of self-deception. There is nothing like a strong romantic attraction to slow down your brain processes. When you want a relationship really badly, you can become quite blind to things other people can see. How does your boyfriend treat his parents? Is he courteous and respectful toward you? What is her reputation when she is away from you? Does she tell the truth? Does she keep her promises? Does he build you up when he’s away from you? Although still common in places like India, arranged marriages are long out of style in America. But I’ll bet Isaac was eternally glad that his father helped him find a wonderful woman like Rebekah to be his life partner. Abraham commissioned a trusted servant to find a godly woman for his son: “I want you to swear by the LORD, the God of heaven and the God of earth, that you will not get a wife for my son from the . . . Canaanites, among whom I am living” (Genesis 24:3). Do you trust your parents and friends enough to ask for their advice? If they give it, will you listen?

Scripture: Hebrews 13:4

When You’re Dating: You Can’t Have It Both Ways In God’s view you can’t be partly married or partly single any more than you can be partly pregnant. You’re either one or the other. What a plague on society when single people live together as though they were married or when married people act like they’re single. In God’s view the issues are pretty simple: “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral” (Hebrews 13:4). God’s ways are beautiful, fulfilling, and they work. Every alternative that sinful human beings have invented has turned out to be unfulfilling, hurtful, self-oriented, and destructive. Seriously–don’t you have enough problems in life without asking for God’s judgment too? You honor God’s creation of marriage not only when you are married but also in the way you conduct your dating life.

Scripture: Matthew 19:4

When You’re Engaged: From Creation One of the crucially important roles that families are supposed to play is to socialize the next generation, that is, hand down instruction about social behaviors that are appropriate, constructive, polite, and functional. Kids are not born knowing how to finish a job, keep a promise, or hold their tempers. Or build a lasting, happy marriage. Here is where God’s Word really helps. Marriage is not a business contract that two corporate attorneys hammer out. Marriage is not a somewhat outdated social arrangement that an ever-evolving humanity came up with millennia ago and is now moving beyond as it comes up with new arrangements. God made people fully developed. He made marriage, too, also fully developed. He made it immediately after making people. Eve was only minutes old when she was led to God’s “altar.” Jesus did not say a lot about marriage, but when he did, it was intense. In Matthew chapter 19, we hear Jesus explaining God’s beautiful plan and intent. Jesus wants you to know that “happily ever after” begins with recognizing where marriage came from in the first place: “Haven’t you read . . . that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female’?” (verse 4). Are you engaged? Just think–you are privileged to participate in a grand divine drama that goes clear back to the Garden of Eden.

Scripture: Matthew 19:5

When You’re Engaged: One Man, One Woman It is our duty to live in an age in which people think they have the right to define marriage as they please. Gay rights activists have already succeeded in gaining recognition for homosexual civil unions. Worse, they have persuaded a few states to sanction marriage between two men or two women. The debate in our country is focused on rights, and it draws on the grievances and successes of the racial civil rights struggle. Gay advocates portray themselves as an injured and oppressed minority. People who believe the Bible see the debate not in terms of rights but of design and blessing. How can God bless an ongoing legal sexual arrangement that defies and contradicts what he designed? Jesus himself said, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife” (Matthew 19:5). If marriage itself is subject to human revision according to the desires of those who see themselves as a persecuted and oppressed minority, where will it end? Will we live to see a day where marriages of three people become legal?

Scripture: Matthew 19:5-6

When You’re Engaged: One Flesh It is fashionable these days for women to keep their maiden names even after marriage, a by-product, I suppose, of the feminist revolution. Two different surnames in a marriage makes it look to casual acquaintances as if the people aren’t married at all, just cohabiting. Apparently, the idea is for the woman to assert her individuality, to make it clear that her identity isn’t being subsumed into that of her husband. Actually, losing some of your independence and being merged with your spouse is part of the thrill that God designed into marriage. Jesus had a striking term for it: “The two will become one flesh. (In case you missed it the first time, he says it again.) So they are no longer two, but one” (Matthew 19:5,6). “One flesh” alludes, of course, to the magic and mystery of sex, the closest possible way to share human intimacy. Bodies briefly are interconnected and physically one flesh. But the term is perhaps even more significant in an emotional way. After years of happy marriage, couples begin to think alike, grow in mutual dependence, and bask in a sense of completeness that single people can never know. Me becomes we. Mine becomes ours. Perhaps you know older married people who can finish each other’s sentences, who complement each other, who dance divinely, and who find joy in serving each other. Perhaps you know widows or widowers who so miss their late spouses that they feel like half a person. They knew the joy of “one flesh.”

Scripture: Malachi 2:15-16

When You’re Engaged: Till Death Us Do Part It seems like a romantic thing to craft your own wedding vows and then say them while looking into your fiancee’s eyes. I attended a wedding once where the young man got off to a great start with his customized vows, but then under the severe pressure, sweating profusely, it became obvious to all of us that he was freelancing halfway through. And I pledge, uh, you my faithfulness, for, uh . . . as long as we shall be together. Well, he didn’t promise much of anything, did he? Just to stay together as long as they were together? Alas, the movie stars who set the standards for moral behavior in America today seem to be willing to promise no more than that. Any marriage that makes any claim to respect God’s institution is a vow “until death us do part.” Easy divorce was a feature of Israelite life in the fifth century B.C. just as it is in ours. God’s voice thundered, “Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. . . . Do not break faith with the wife of your youth. ‘I hate divorce,’ says the LORD God” (Malachi 2:15,16). God hates divorce. His children do too. When you make your vows, say I’m right and mean what you say.

Scripture: Matthew 19:6

When You’re Engaged: Marriages Belong to God There is nothing particularly sacred or holy about business contracts. When they are no longer benefiting you, you can terminate them as you please. Don’t like that lease? Don’t renew it. People who look at marriage like a lease can’t possibly build one to last. When you are always looking at an open door behind you, you lack motivation to work through the challenges that come upon sinful people in a sinful world, and you will then miss out on the satisfaction and bonding that come from mutually conquered problems. People who look at marriage the way they look at their business contracts imagine that they are the owners. God begs to differ. As the inventor of marriage and as the inventor of humanity itself, he dares to claim our marriages as his own. Seriously! Jesus said, “What God has joined together, let man not separate” (Matthew 19:6). God would like you to see your marriage as a beautiful, valuable possession that belongs to him, like a priceless porcelain vase, but that he willing lets you hold and enjoy. If you drop it, you are not only losing out yourself, but you are smashing something that God thinks is his.

Scripture: Matthew 19:10-11

When You’re Engaged: Powered by God Do the preceding principles of marriage sound hard? old fashioned? impossible? That’s what Jesus’ disciples thought too. “The disciples said to him, ‘If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry” (Matthew 19:10). You know what they meant. They didn’t think that they could fulfill those expectations. They didn’t think that kind of marriage could last or would be any fun. They took comfort from rabbinic rules allowing no-fault divorce. All you had to do back in the day was provide a certificate. To be sure, unless the Spirit of the Lord breathes in a home, God’s rules may seem impossible. “Jesus replied, ‘Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it is given” (Matthew 19:11). That is, if you haven’t been given the gift of faith, if you aren’t a believer, you don’t have the desire or strength to stay faithful in a one-flesh relationship until death parts you. But if you are connected by faith to the power source of the universe, it is indeed possible. And fulfilling. And satisfying. And beautiful. And fun. God’s Spirit enables you both to will and to do what is pleasing to God.

Scripture: Colossians 3:12

When You’re Newlyweds: Compassion Some of the wisest words ever uttered about building great family relationships came from a career bachelor–St. Paul. Inspired by the Holy Spirit though, he identified five Christ-like qualities to cultivate in yourself that will make you a joy to live with. Even though he wasn’t speaking specifically about marriage, there are few passages in Scripture that better contribute to a “happily ever after” marriage. He uses the analogy of putting on clothes. Not wedding clothes. Marriage clothes. Here’s item #1: “As God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion” (Colossians 3:12). “Compassion” comes from two Latin words meaning “suffering along with someone.” It is the wonderful characteristic in a loving spouse that makes one willing to hear a partner’s bad news, share a partner’s pain, go through a partner’s stress. This one is primarily for the men. Guys, when you ask her how her day went, look at her the whole time, listen to it all, don’t look at a clock, and let her know that your heart resonates with everything she’s been through. Don’t try to fix it or fix her. Don’t interrupt. Just listen and let her bond emotionally with you. That’s compassion.

Scripture: Colossians 3:12

When You’re Newlyweds: Kindness Have you ever noticed that when people are believers in Christ, God treats them like spiritual adults (whether or not they’ve deserved it)? He doesn’t call us fools, criminals, disappointments, or failures, though in many ways we have earned all of those labels. No. He treats us better than we deserve. “As God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with . . . kindness” (Colossians 3:12). You are chosen–that means that he cared enough for you to come and find you. You are holy–washed in the blood of Jesus, you are now considered to be as pure and holy as Christ himself. You are dearly loved–how valuable he thinks you are! As he has treated us better than we deserve, he now invites you to put on the marriage garment of kindness. You can speak words that don’t cut your husband down but build him up. You can go first in doing things for her, being extra nice when she’s crabby. You can always assume the best possible explanation when he says or does something you don’t understand, rather than leaping to the worst possible conclusion. Are you afraid that you don’t have it in you to be that nice? You probably don’t. Draw energy and inspiration from Christ and the way in which he treats you.

Scripture: Colossians 3:12

When You’re Newlyweds: Humility Looking backward is a dangerous indulgence. It turned Lot’s wife into a pillar of salt. It can turn your marriage salty and sour if you keep looking backward, wondering if you should perhaps have chosen a different spouse from former boyfriends or girlfriends. Pride is deadly in all relationships, including marriage. When you start feeling that you’ve been cheated in life, that your spouse owes you, or that you could have done better, it’s time for marriage garment #3: “As God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with . . . humility” (Colossians 3:12). Humility means realizing that you can be a chore to live with sometimes. Humility means that you thank and praise God for giving you a spouse with as many great qualities as yours. Humility means thanking your spouse for putting up with you, realizing that your spouse’s irritations with you are probably three or four times greater than you think they are. Need some humility therapy? Consider Jesus Christ, King of the angels, who was born in a barn and executed on a vertical instrument of torture, all to make your life and your eternity better, all so that you could live happily ever after with him.

Scripture: Colossians 3:12

When You’re Newlyweds: Gentleness When you feel wounded by your spouse, it sure is hard to manage the adrenaline rush. Who can resist “payback time”? Who can resist “teaching her a lesson”? If you catch yourself thinking (or saying) things like this, realize that very little teaching and learning happen with anger. You can’t control your partner’s mouth. But you can control yours. Ready for wedding garment #4? “As God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with . . . gentleness” (Colossians 3:12). Gentleness means that you will not allow stress in the relationship to escalate. It takes two to fight. You will not allow a misunderstanding to morph into sharp words. You will not let sharp words morph into an argument, an argument into a fight, or a fight into something physical. Gentleness means that the level of stress stops right here. It means clamping your lips shut so that angry things can’t get out. It means keeping your voice soft. It means asking questions of clarification, assuming that your partner couldn’t have meant anything so hurtful. It means taking a walk around the block before blurting things you will regret later.

Scripture: Colossians 3:12-13

When You’re Newlyweds: Patience It is one of the sad consequences of our competitive, media-driven, consumerist culture that we expect perfection in others but excuse mediocrity in ourselves. Restaurants and hotels live on the edge, knowing that all it takes is one bad experience and a customer will never be back. When you’re a newlywed, you are marrying a rookie, someone who will make rookie mistakes. That’s why God tells husbands and wives to let go of Mommy and Daddy and stick like glue to their spouses–never, ever comparing a husband to Daddy or a wife to Mom. It’s an inherently unfair comparison, since you are remembering mature veterans. Cut your newlywed spouse some slack. “As God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with . . . patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another” (Colossians 3:12,13). Think of how often God has had to be patient with you. Think of how he has nurtured you and put up with stuff and invested energy and resources in you. Think of how you learned from your failures and thrived on encouragement and praise. Well, hello! How about extending some of that same patience to your spouse? Lord, forgive us our sins as we forgive our spouses who sin against us.

Scripture: Proverbs 18:22

When You’ve Been Married a While: See Your Spouse as God’s Gift We live in the age of the consumer. Our fickle buying habits drive companies to pamper us with better and better products and better and better service. Every year hotels get better, cars more luxurious, and computers faster. Every year cable TV brings more channels, Wal-Mart offers an even broader array of stuff, and there are even more types of coffees to order from your local barista. If you look at your spouse with consumer eyes, you will soon be disappointed. This year’s model may look a lot like last year’s, definitely showing some wear. There is no money-back guarantee. There is no customer service department. There is no one you can sue. So then don’t look at your spouse with consumer eyes. Look with the eyes of faith, seen through the lens of God’s Word. “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD” (Proverbs 18:22). Get it? Your God who loves you is blessing you by letting you be married–it’s a sign of his favor, not a desire to torture you. You can spend your time itemizing the ways in which your spouse falls short. Or–you could take inventory of all the good qualities your spouse does have. That very attitude makes everything better. If your spouse feels judged and inadequate, he may just give up and live down to your low expectations. But if she feels appreciated, she will strive to live up to your words of praise.

Scripture: Ephesians 5:21

When You’ve Been Married a While: Mutual Submission If you are not a believer in Christ, you probably won’t get this one at all. In the marketplace, you have to demand your rights or you will get walked over. You have to make your demands and expectations explicit. In Christ’s world, though, you enter marriage the way he entered planet Earth: as a servant. Does this sound like fun? “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21). On the face of it, I suppose not. It sounds like a lot of work. It sounds risky–won’t your spouse just take advantage of you? What if nobody takes care of your needs? Mutual submission is actually one of the great secrets of a “happily ever after” marriage. If I make demands of my wife, then I’m just another drain on her capacity. On the other hand, if I serve her, I will take pressure off her. I will add energy to her spirit. I will inspire her heart to want to serve me back. You know what downward spirals are, right? When two people’s negativity feeds off each other and drives the relationship into the ground. Mutual submission ignites the reverse–an upward spiral. Talk about win-win–you honor Christ and your life gets better.

Scripture: Ephesians 5:25

When You’ve Been Married a While: Husbands, Lead At first glance, the Bible’s instructions for husbands sound right up our alley. The husband is head of the wife? Cool. Honey, go make dinner while I take a nap. But listen how the Bible describes Christian headship: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). You might say that Christ loved us to death. His death. This is Christ-love for husbands: loving her not for what I get out of it but loving to give, loving to make her life better, loving in terms that make sense to her. This is headship: not exhausting her with my expectations and demands but giving myself up for her. You have bigger muscles and a bigger frame, not to enforce your will but to provide her with a feeling of security. You have less emotional vulnerability so that you can be the rock in her life. Let’s review: What happens when you lead in your home the way Christ leads his people? She will love it. Christ will love it. You will love it.

Scripture: Ephesians 5:33

When You’ve Been Married a While: Wives, Support “The wife must respect her husband” (Ephesians 5:33). It’s hard to be a good wife these days. Godly wives get very little support from the media. Men are regularly portrayed as blundering, lazy dolts that do nothing but drink beer and watch sports. Men make messes, are childish and violent, and have only one thing on their minds. How can Christ’s sisters not feel resentment toward their husbands and scorn in their hearts? How do TV commercials make you feel when they portray other husbands and lovers buying cars, jewelry, and luxury vacations for their mates on Valentine’s Day and you got maybe a card and some lousy chocolates? Respect him anyway. If not for him, then for Christ. He can never grow into the leader you long for if you refuse to follow. Every home leader starts out as a rookie and has to grow into his role. A woman will have more in the end if she looks for and then praises Christ-like leadership in him than if she scolds and nags him over his perceived failures. Men really can learn and generally are eager to please. They can develop into awesome partners who bring great gifts to their wives’ lives. Ask any widow.

Scripture: 1 Peter 3:7

When You’ve Been Married a While: Husbands, Pay Attention Men and women certainly have different styles of communication. Millions of arguments and hard feelings have arisen when spouses misunderstood each other or missed important messages completely. Women thrive on communication and use a wide variety of ways to send messages. Men miss about half of them because they generally aren’t looking, aren’t listening, and might not detect anything if they were. The apostle Peter was a married man and knew exactly what he was writing about: “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers” (1 Peter 3:7). Considerate means “Pay attention!” Literally the original Greek says, “Live with her according to knowledge.” Good leaders adapt to their surroundings. Husbands, don’t insist that your wife adapt her communication style to you. Learn her language, verbal and nonverbal. There is a marvelous benefit in letting your wife train you in female communication. You will understand the other 50 percent of the human race a lot better. Pay attention!

Scripture: 1 Corinthians 7:3-5

When You’ve Been Married a While: Sex Isn’t a Weapon Marriage opens the door to a richness in life that single people don’t experience. Marriage can also trap you in a world of pain. When you’re dating and the relationship is getting unpleasant, you just don’t call for a while. When you live together, there’s nowhere to hide. When you’re married, you are totally vulnerable—open 24/7 to attack from your mate, who knows all your owies and buttons to push. There are many ways to “punish” your spouse and “teach him a lesson”: verbal belittling, temper displays, or the silent treatment. And then there’s the nuclear option: Don’t touch me. The Designer of marriage knew that under stress married people would reach too quickly for that weapon: “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer” (1 Corinthians 7:3-5). Well?

Scripture: 1 Corinthians 13:5

When Your Marriage Is in Trouble: What if I Can’t Forget the Past? Communicating, listening, showing compassion, and emotional bonding are all things men in general need to work on. Holding grudges is one for the ladies. It can be wonderful to have a memory like an elephant when it comes to remembering anniversaries and distant relatives’ names. It can be an anger prison when your thoughts are dominated by old hurts. Someone long ago invented the cliche forgive and forget. That’s impossible. You can’t expunge pain memories from your mind as though tapping the Delete key. The key to moving on is to learn how to forgive while remembering. St. Paul has some splendid advice for grudge holders: “[Love] is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs” (1 Corinthians 13:5). In other words, you may indeed remember your partner’s old sins, but you can choose not to continue blaming him. It’s sort of like being a judge and ruling that the statute of limitations applies. Choosing to keep no record of wrongs is learned behavior. You can do it.

Scripture: Ephesians 4:26-27

When Your Marriage Is in Trouble: What if We’re Fighting All the Time? Sometimes people lament that they fight all the time, but the truth is that they like arguing. There’s a kind of sick thrill in push backs, zingers, and always getting in the last word. You can deflect shame and guilt for your own sins if you can tilt the floodlights on your partner’s transgressions, right? The reverse is just as bad–holding all that anger in, saving it up for a bigger explosion later. If you can’t or won’t forgive it and let it go, then speak softly about what’s on your mind as soon as possible. St. Paul writes, ‘In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold” (Ephesians 4:26,27). The same person who coined the foolish cliche forgive and forget also gave birth to time heals all wounds. Time does nothing of the sort. It only stores up and ferments anger. Only the gospel love of Christ heals wounds. Only you can decide to let Christ calm your spirit and speak gently about what is hurting you.

Scripture: Matthew 19:9

When Your Marriage Is in Trouble: What if She Is Cheating? Scripture gives us strong direction to commit to marriage till death us do part. Scripture condemns quick and easy divorce. Scripture connects us with the power of the Spirit to heal sin’s wounds and change our behaviors. Scripture tells us that love always hopes, always perseveres. But sometimes the marriage bond is broken by the ultimate betrayal. Jesus himself, in warning against casual divorce, grants an exception in the case of adultery by a partner: “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery” (Matthew 19:9). What to do when that happens? Time for careful planning. Time to get sober advice from trusted family members and friends. Time to see your pastor. If the innocent spouse decides that the marriage is irretrievably broken by the partner’s adultery, he or she may seek a divorce without sinning. Even better is the possibility of reconciliation. Permission to seek a divorce is not a mandate. It is one of my joys to know happily married couples who overcame a serious breach of trust years back.

Scripture: 1 Corinthians 7:15

When Your Marriage Is in Trouble: What if He Wants to Leave? Even with a “till death us do part” promise at one time, a marriage, in order to survive, needs two willing participants. St. Paul lists a second situation in which a believing spouse may seek a divorce without sinning: “If the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances” (1 Corinthians 7:15). Note the two conditions: 1) one partner wants out and the other is innocent; 2) the one who has given up on the marriage and his or her promise is an unbeliever. The point: if a person is a believer, there is still hope. Believers never give up. Believers listen to the Word, listen to their pastor and counselors, and listen to their families. Believers repent of their own sins and forgive those of their partners. When you are abandoned, you are no longer bound in such circumstances. But before the injured spouse claims desertion and calls an attorney, it is proper to make sure that he or she has exhausted every option. Just because the law allows no-fault divorce doesn’t mean that God approves. Above all, it is God’s view that matters most to a believer’s heart. It is his approval that we should crave more than any other. When we do things right, we can live without guilt and go forward without lies and excuses.

Scripture: 1 Peter 3:1-2

When Your Marriage Is in Trouble: What if He’s Not a Believer?

Some Christians unwisely marry unbelievers. Maybe they didn’t care at the time. Maybe they assumed, or hoped, that the spouse would come to faith later. Maybe both were unbelievers at the time of marriage and then one came to faith. The question is the same: What do I do now that I’m yoked to an unbeliever?

It is not justification for divorce. It is both a high risk and a major opportunity. The risk is that the unbelieving partner becomes a deadening drag on the believer’s faith. The splendid opportunity is that the believing spouse would be God’s personal agent for the salvation of the nonbeliever.

It is an ancient dilemma. Here is St. Peter’s counsel: “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives” (1 Peter 3:1,2).

None of us likes to be pushed around, and men are particularly testy about it if done to them by a woman. Guilt, pressure, nagging, bargaining, or begging won’t work. What does? Showing that one’s faith in Christ makes you an even better wife. Unconditional love demonstrated in a loveless world is irresistible over time. It is my privilege to know some marvelous men who once were brought to church by their marvelous wives.