Help For A Hurting Marriage

Scripture: Romans 15:13

Devotion from Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away by Gary Chapman

Just Walk Away

Ours has been called the “Throwaway Society.” We buy our food in beautiful containers, which we then throw away. Our car and tech devices quickly become obsolete. We give our furniture to the secondhand shop not because it is no longer functional, but because it is no longer in style. We even “throw away” unwanted pregnancies. We sustain business relationships only so long as they are profitable to the bottom line. Thus, it is no shock that our society has come to accept the concept of a “throwaway marriage.” If you are no longer happy with your spouse, and your relationship has run on hard times, the easy thing is to abandon the relationship and start over.

I wish that I could recommend divorce as an option. When I listen to the deeply pained people in my office and at my seminars, my natural response is to cry, “Get out, get out, get out! Abandon the loser and get on with your life.” That would certainly be my approach if I had purchased bad stock. I would get out before the stock fell further. But a spouse is not a stock. A spouse is a person—a person with emotions, personality, desires and frustrations; a person to whom you were deeply attracted at one point in your life; a person for whom you had warm feelings and genuine care. So deeply were the two of you attracted to each other that you made a public commitment of your lives to each other, “so long as we both shall live.” Now you have a history together. You may even have parented children together.

No one can walk away from a spouse as easily as he or she can sell bad stock. Indeed, talk to most adults who have chosen divorce as the answer, and you will find the divorce was preceded by months of intense inner struggle, and that the whole ordeal is still viewed as a deeply painful experience.

Kristin was sitting in my office two years after her divorce from Dave. “Our marriage was bad,” she said, “but our divorce is even worse. I still have all the responsibilities I had when we were married, and now I have less time and less money. When we were married, I worked part-time to help out with the bills. Now I have to work full-time, which gives me less time with the girls. When I am at home, I seem to be more irritable. I find myself snapping at the girls when they don’t respond immediately to my requests.” 

And what about the children who watch their parents divorce? In Generation Ex, author and child of multiple divorces Jen Abbas writes candidly, “As I entered adulthood anticipating my hard-earned independence, I was stunned to discover that my parents’ divorces seemed to affect me more each year, not less.” 

Michael was all smiles when he said to me, “I finally met the love of my life. We’re going to get married and I’ve never been happier. Kelly has two kids, and I think they’re great. When I was going through my divorce, I never dreamed that I would be happy again. I now believe that I’m about to get my life back on track.”

Michael had been divorced for three years at the time of our conversation. However, six months after his marriage to Kelly, he was back in my office, complaining of his inability to get along with Kelly and her children. “I feel like an outsider,” he said. “She always puts the kids before me. I’ve never been so miserable in my life. How did I let myself get into this mess?” 

Through the years I have counseled enough divorced persons to know that while divorce removes some pressures, it creates a host of others. I am not naïve enough to suggest that divorce can be eliminated from the human landscape. I am saying, however, that divorce should be the last possible alternative. Far too many couples in our society have opted for divorce too soon and at too great a price. I believe that many divorced couples could have reconciled if they had sought and found proper help.

REACT: Perhaps you are in a tough marriage and thinking of giving up. Or a loved one or friend is in what seems to be a hopeless situation. You might think that no one understands the situation. But God does. Can you ask Him to help? Pray for yourself, your spouse, your marriage; or those involved in the troubled marriage you’re concerned about. Pray the verse at the beginning of this selection.

Scripture: Genesis 1:26-27

Devotion from Anger, Taming a Powerful Emotion by Gary Chapman

The Origin of Anger

Anger is everywhere. Spouses are angry at each other. Employees are angry at bosses. Teens are angry at parents (and vice versa). Citizens are angry at their government. Television news routinely shows angry demonstrators shouting their wrath or the weeping mother of a teen gunned down in an angry quarrel. Spend some time around a major airport when bad weather has canceled flights, and you will observe anger in action.

Many of us are angry at ourselves. Sometimes we are angry and think we “shouldn’t feel that way.” Or we observe our children expressing anger inappropriately and wonder how to teach them to deal with their anger.

Clearly, many of us have issues with anger. In addition, Christians are often confused about this powerful and complex emotion. For those who follow Christ, is there ever an appropriate expression of anger? What does the Bible say? Can anger ever be a good thing?

If you go online and type “anger” into a search engine, you will find an overwhelming amount of information. Yet most of what has been written does not deal with two fundamental questions: What is the origin of anger, and what is the purpose of anger? Understanding the origin of anger is essential to understanding the purpose of anger, and understanding the purpose of anger is essential to learning how to process anger in a constructive manner.

So where does anger come from? The answer may surprise you.

The human capacity for anger is rooted in the nature of God. Please do not think that I am being disrespectful of God. On the contrary, I stand in deep reverence of God when I suggest that human anger is rooted in the divine nature. I am suggesting that anger derives from two aspects of God’s divine nature: His holiness and His love.

The Scriptures proclaim that God is holy. The word holy means “set apart from sin.” Whether we are talking about God the Father, God the Son, or God the Spirit, there is no sin in the nature of God. 

A second fundamental characteristic of the nature of God is love. The apostle John summarized the whole teaching of Scripture when he said simply, “God is love” (1 John 4:8). Love is not to be equated with God; rather, in His essential nature God is loving. This is not simply the New Testament concept of God. From beginning to end, the Scriptures reveal God as committed to the well-being of His creatures. It is God’s nature to love. 

It is from these two divine characteristics that God’s anger is derived. Please note: The Scriptures never say, “God is anger.” That statement is not in fact, true. Anger is not a part of the essential nature of God.

God desires humans to do what is right and enjoy the benefits. Knowing the detrimental effects of sin, God’s anger is kindled. It is God’s concern for justice and righteousness (both of which grow out of His holiness and love) that stir God’s anger. Thus, when God sees evil, anger is His logical response to injustice or unrighteousness. 

What does all this have to do with human anger? The Scriptures say that we are made “in the image of God” (Gen. 1:27). Though that image was marred by the fall, it was not erased. People still bear the imprint of God’s image deep within their souls. Thus, even though we are fallen, we still have some concern for justice and rightness. Find the most pagan man you know and follow him for a week, and you will hear him make such statements as “That’s not right.” “He shouldn’t do that to her.” “She treated him wrongly.”

Anger, then, is the emotion that arises whenever we encounter what we perceive to be wrong. Anger is not evil; anger itself is not sinful; anger is not part of our fallen nature. Quite the contrary. Anger is evidence that we are made in God’s image; it demonstrates that we still have some concern for justice and righteousness in spite of our fallen state. 

REACT: How can anger reflect God’s image? Is this a new idea to you? Explain your understanding of anger being rooted in the nature of God.

Scripture: Amos 5:24, James 2:13

Devotion from When Sorry Isn’t Enough by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas 

Righting Wrongs

In a perfect world, there would be no need for apologies. But because the world is imperfect, we cannot survive without them. My academic background is in the field of anthropology, the study of human culture. One of the clear conclusions of the anthropologist is that all people have a sense of morality: Some things are right, and some things are wrong. People are incurably moral. In psychology, it is often called the conscience. In theology, it may be referred to as the “sense of ought” or the imprint of the divine.

It is true that the standard by which the conscience condemns or affirms is influenced by the culture. For example, in Inuit culture, if one is on a trek and runs out of food, it is perfectly permissible to enter the igloo of a stranger and eat whatever is available. In most other Western cultures, to enter an unoccupied house would be considered breaking and entering, an offense punishable as a crime. Although the standard of right will differ from culture to culture and sometimes within cultures, all people have a sense of right and wrong.

When one’s sense of right is violated, that person will experience anger. He or she will feel wronged and resentful at the person who has violated their trust. The wrongful act stands as a barrier between the two people, and their relationship has been fractured. They cannot, even if desired, live as though the wrong had not been committed. Jack, whose brother swindled him years ago, says, “Things have never been the same between us.” Whatever the offense something inside the offended calls for justice. It is these human realities that serve as the basis of all judicial systems. 

While justice may bring some sense of satisfaction to the offended person, justice does not typically restore relationships. If an employee who is found stealing from the company is caught, tried, and fined or imprisoned, everyone says, “Justice has been served.” But the company is not likely to restore the employee to the original place of leadership. On the other hand, if an employee steals from the company but quickly takes responsibility for the error, reports that misdeed to the supervisor, expresses sincere regret, offers to pay for all inequities, and pleads for mercy, there is the possibility that the employee will be allowed to continue with the company. 

Humankind has an amazing capacity to forgive. I remember a number of years ago visiting the town of Coventry, England. I stood in the shell of a cathedral that had been bombed by the Nazis in the Second World War. I listened as the guide told the story of the new cathedral that rose beside the ruins. Some years after the war, a group of Germans had come and helped build the new cathedral as an act of contrition for the damages their fellow countrymen had inflicted. Everyone had agreed to allow the ruins to remain in the shadow of the new cathedral. Both structures were symbolic: the one of man’s inhumanity to man, the other of the power of forgiveness and reconciliation. 

Something in us cries out for reconciliation when wrongdoing has fractured a relationship. The desire for reconciliation is often more potent than the desire for justice. The more intimate the relationship, the deeper the desire for reconciliation. When a husband treats his wife unfairly, in her hurt and anger she is pulled between a longing for justice and a desire for mercy. On the one hand, she wants him to pay for his wrongdoing; on the other hand, she wishes for reconciliation. It is his sincere apology that makes genuine reconciliation possible.

I have looked into the eyes of teenage rage and wondered how different life would be if an abusive father had apologized. Without apologies, anger builds and pushes us to demand justice. When, as we see it, justice is not forthcoming, we often take matters into our own hands and seek revenge on those who have wronged us. 

REACT: Do you agree with Dr. Chapman that “people are incurably moral”? Think of a story you’ve heard or experience you’ve had showing humankind’s “amazing capacity to forgive.”

Scripture: Philippians 4:8

Devotion from Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away by Gary Chapman 

Myths We May Believe

I believe that in every troubled marriage, one or both partners can take positive steps that have the potential for changing the emotional climate in a marriage. But first, they need to look at what they believe. I call this reality living.

Reality living begins by identifying the myths that have held you captive. Then it accepts them for what they are—myths, not truths. Reality living means you take responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings and actions. It requires you to appraise your life situation honestly and refuse to shift the blame for your unhappiness to others. Here are four myths that many people in desperate marriages base their lives on.

Myth Number One: “My environment determines my state of mind.” This myth is expressed in statements like these: “If I grew up in a loving, supportive family, I will be a loving, supportive person.” “If I grew up in a dysfunctional family, then I am destined to failure in relationships.” “My emotional state depends on the actions of my spouse.” 

This kind of approach to life renders anyone helpless in a hostile environment. Your environment certainly affects who are you, but it does not control you. It may influence you, but it need not dictate or destroy your marriage or your life.

Myth Number Two: “People cannot change.” This myth asserts that once people reach adulthood, personality traits and behavior patterns are set in concrete. Those who believe this myth reason that if a spouse has demonstrated a certain behavior for a long period of time, he or she will continue to act this way. If you accept this myth as truth, you will experience feelings of futility and hopelessness. The fact is, you can find biographies of people—adults—who have made radical changes in their behavior patterns.

Myth Number Three: “In a troubled marriage, I have only two options—resigning myself to a life of misery or getting out of the marriage.” Those who believe this myth limit their horizons to two equally devastating alternatives and then become a prisoner of that choice. Thousands of people live in self-made prisons because they believe this myth of limited choices. Do not let yourself believe that you have only two options in a desperate marriage. Don’t simply settle for misery or divorce.

Myth Number Four: “Some situations are hopeless—and my situation is one of these.” The person who accepts this myth believes: Perhaps there is hope for others, but my marriage is hopeless. The hurt is too deep. The damage is irreversible. There is no hope. This kind of thinking leads to depression and sometimes even to suicide. You may have struggled in your marriage for years. You may feel that nothing you have tried has worked. You may even have had people tell you that your marriage is hopeless. Don’t let yourself believe that. Your marriage is not beyond hope. 

Reality living, which begins by recognizing the myths and continues by rejecting those myths, ends up embracing the positive actions that one individual can take to stimulate constructive change in a relationship.

REACT: Which of these myths have you believed? Do you agree that one person in a troubled relationship can take action to “stimulate constructive change”? What can you do today as one step? If your friend or loved one is in a strained marriage, how can you encourage them today? 

Scriptures: Proverbs 21:15, Isaiah 30:18

Devotion from Anger, Taming a Powerful Emotion by Gary Chapman

The Purpose of Anger

Try to remember the last time you experienced anger and ask, “Why did I get angry?” Chances are your answer will mention some injustice. Someone or something did not treat you fairly. Something was wrong. Your anger may have been directed toward a person, an object, or a situation, but in every instance you perceived that someone or something treated you wrongly. 

The capacity for anger is strong evidence that we are more than mere animals. It reveals our concern for rightness, justice and fairness. The experience of anger is evidence of our nobility — our being made in God’s image — not our depravity. We should thank God for our capacity to experience anger. When one ceases to experience anger, one has lost her sense of moral concern. Without moral concern, the world would be a dreadful place indeed. So what is the purpose of anger? More to the point, what is God’s purpose for human anger?

I believe that human anger is designed by God to motivate us to take constructive action in the face of wrongdoing or when facing injustice. This is illustrated by God Himself.

In the Old Testament, God would typically send a prophet to proclaim to the people His displeasure with their evil deeds and to call them to repentance. If the people repented, God’s anger subsided and all was well. If they did not repent, God took additional action. (See Jer. 3:12–14; Jonah 3:5, 7–10.) God’s anger was expressed in positive action. When God used drastic measures it was for the ultimate good of His creatures. His holiness will not allow God to remain silent when His children are involved in evil activity, and His love always seeks to express His anger for the larger good of humankind.

In the New Testament, we find that Jesus too took positive, loving action against the evil that had stirred His anger. Perhaps the best known of these events is when Jesus saw the merchants buying and selling in the temple in Jerusalem, making what should have been a house of prayer into a den of thieves (Matt. 21:13; John 2:15, 16). On another occasion, when He healed a man on the Sabbath, he was angered by the Pharisees’ legalistic thinking when they criticized Him for doing good on the Sabbath (Mark 3:4–5). 

What about us? Because, as we have seen, we bear the image of God, each of us has on some level a concern for righteousness, fairness and justice. Whenever we encounter that which we believe to be unrighteous, unkind or unjust, we experience anger. I believe that in God’s design, this anger is to motivate us to take positive, loving action to see to set the wrong right; and where there has been a relationship, to restore the relationship with the wrongdoer. Anger is not designed to drive us to do destructive things to the people who may have wronged us, nor does it give us license to say or do destructive things to our neighbors. Anger’s fundamental purpose is to motivate us to positive, loving action that will leave things better than when we found them.

The abolition of slavery in England and America came about because a significant number of people felt anger about social conditions. The story of William Wilberforce, a great man of faith, is familiar to many. For decades he waged a tireless crusade, delivering passionate speeches in Parliament detailing and decrying the evils of the slave trade. Across the ocean in the United States, a number of men and women looked at enslavement and said within their own hearts, This is not right. It took people motivated by anger at evil and injustice to prick the conscience of a nation. 

Anger is like a red light flashing on the dash of a car. It indicates that something needs attention. Anger can be a powerful and positive motivator, useful to move us toward loving action to right wrongs and correct injustice — but it can also become a raging, uncontrolled force. The difficulty is that all these wonderfully positive purposes of anger seem to elude us in the heat of anger. We forget about setting things right and end up making them worse. We need to learn to process anger in a positive way.

REACT: What are some things in the world that make God angry? How can you direct anger to conform to God’s nature?

Scripture: Colossians 3:12-14

Devotion from When Sorry Isn’t Enough by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas 

Can You Forgive without an Apology? 

Genuine forgiveness and reconciliation are two-person transactions that are enabled by apologies. Some, particularly with the Christian worldview, have taught forgiveness without an apology. They often quote the words of Jesus: “If you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matt. 6:15). Thus, they say to the wife whose husband has been unfaithful and continues in his adulterous affair, “You must forgive him, or God will not forgive you.” 

Such an interpretation of Jesus’ teaching fails to reckon with the rest of the scriptural teachings on forgiveness. The Christian is instructed to forgive others in the same manner that God forgives us. How does God forgive us? The Scriptures say that if we confess our sins, God will forgive our sins (1 John 1:9). Nothing in the Old or New Testaments indicates that God forgives the sins of people who do not confess and repent of their sins. 

When a pastor encourages a wife to forgive her erring husband while he still continues in his wrongdoing, the minister is requiring of the wife something that God Himself does not do. Jesus’ teaching is that we are to be always willing to forgive, as God is always willing to forgive, those who repent. Some will object to this idea, indicating that Jesus forgave those who were killing Him. But that is not what the Scriptures say. Rather, Jesus prayed, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). Jesus expressed His heart of compassion and His desire to see His murderers forgiven. That should be our desire and our prayer. But their forgiveness came later when they acknowledged that they had indeed killed the Son of God (Acts 2:22–24, 40–41). 

Forgiveness without an apology is often encouraged for the benefit of the forgiver rather than the benefit of the offender. Such forgiveness does not lead to reconciliation. When there is no apology, the Christian is encouraged to release the person to God for justice and to release one’s anger to God through forbearance (Rom. 12:19). 

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, the great theologian who was martyred by the Nazis in a concentration camp in 1945, argued against the “preaching of forgiveness without requiring repentance.” He referred to such forgiveness in The Cost of Discipleship as “cheap grace . . . which amounts to the justification of sin without the justification of the repentant sinner.”

Genuine forgiveness removes the barrier that was created by the offense and opens the door to restoring trust over time. If the relationship was warm and intimate before the offense, it can become loving again. If the relationship was simply one of casual acquaintance, it may grow to a deeper level through the dynamic process of forgiveness. If the offense was created by an unknown person such as a rapist or a murderer, there was no relationship to be restored. If they have apologized and you have forgiven, each of you is free to go on living your lives, although in a criminal matter, the offender will still face the judicial system created by the culture to deal with the behavior. 

When we apologize, we accept responsibility for our behavior, seeking to make amends with the person who was offended. Genuine apology opens the door to the possibility of forgiveness and reconciliation. Then we can continue to build the relationship. Without apology, the offense sits as a barrier, and the quality of the relationship is diminished. Good relationships are always marked by a willingness to apologize, forgive and reconcile. 

REACT: How and when does God forgive? How can willingness to forgive without an apology benefit the forgiver rather than the offender? Can you think of an example from your own life? Why must “a willingness to apologize, forgive and reconcile” be a mark of a good relationship? 

Scripture: Proverbs 25:11, Colossians 4:6

Devotion from Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away by Gary Chapman

Verbal Abuse in Marriage

“You’re an idiot. I don’t know how anyone with your education can be as stupid as you are. You must have cheated to get your degree. If I were as stupid as you, I don’t think I would get out of bed in the morning.”

The words seemed to beat on Laura relentlessly. This wasn’t the first time Laura had heard such insults from her husband, Ron. The tragedy was that she had come to believe them. She was suffering from severe depression that literally kept her in bed most days. She was the victim of verbal abuse.

We have long known the devastation of physical abuse in a marriage relationship. We are now coming to understand that verbal abuse can be fully as devastating. Verbal abuse destroys respect, trust, admiration and intimacy — all key ingredients of a healthy marriage. 

Most of us lose our temper and say harsh, cutting words that we later regret. But if we are spiritually and emotionally mature, we acknowledge that this is inappropriate behavior. We express sorrow and ask forgiveness of our spouse, and the relationship finds healing.

The verbal abuser, on the other hand, seldom asks for forgiveness or acknowledges that the verbal tirades are inappropriate. Typically, the abuser will blame the spouse for stimulating the abuse. Verbal abuse is warfare that employs the use of words as bombs and grenades designed to punish the other person, to place blame or to justify one’s own actions or decisions. Abusive language is filled with poisonous put-downs, which seek to make the other person feel bad, appear wrong or look inadequate. 

Is there hope for the thousands of spouses who suffer the barrage of verbal attacks as a way of life? I believe there is, but that hope will not come in the form of a magic wand. It will be more like an exercise machine, requiring hard work and consistency.

In order to be a positive change agent, the spouse who is verbally abused must first recover a sense of their own self-worth. A wife whose husband has ridiculed her, threatened her, told her she is stupid, worthless, incompetent and a failure may start to believe these messages, and they will become self-fulfilling. She first should share her husband’s abuse with a friend or a counselor and learn to reject these negative messages, and rediscover her own self-worth. If she does not deal with her own damaged self-esteem, she will not have the emotional energy to take constructive action with her husband. 

Most people who practice verbal abuse as a way of life are themselves suffering from low self-esteem. Emotionally, the verbal abuser is not the strong, confident, self-assured individual he may appear to be. Inside he actually feels like a child, trying desperately to become an adult, fighting desperately but inappropriately to prove his worth. 

On a quiet evening when Jeff had not yet unleashed a verbal attack, Marilyn said to him, “I’ve been thinking about us a lot the last few days. I’ve been remembering how kind you were to me when we dated. I’m remembering the tender touch, the kind words, the smiling face, the fun we had in those days. I guess that’s why I believe in you so strongly. I know the good qualities you have inside. Sometimes I lose that vision when I am hurt by your attacks, but I know the kind of man you are, and I believe in that man. And I believe in my heart that the man I married is the man you really want to be. And I know that with God’s help and your desire, you can reach that goal.”

With those words, Marilyn is expressing belief in Jeff. She is giving him what all of us desperately want — someone to believe in us, someone to believe that we have good characteristics and that those good characteristics can flourish in our lives. Since the abuser is already suffering from low self-esteem, such comments build a positive sense of self-worth. If Jeff can come to believe in himself and believe that God’s power is available to him, he may well return to being the man that Marilyn remembers.

REACT: What are steps to take if you are being verbally abused? What might be behind an abuser’s verbal attacks? To whom can you speak words of hope and healing today? 

Scriptures: Proverbs 14:17, Proverbs 29:11

Devotion from Anger, Taming a Powerful Emotion by Gary Chapman

Processing Anger in a Healthy Way

We know that the human capacity for anger is rooted in the nature of God. God shows anger at injustice, and also at sin, because it is harmful to us, His beloved. Our valid anger can also be stirred by injustice and sin. But often in daily life, we need to process anger toward someone with whom we have a relationship, whether a family member, roommate, friend, work associate, neighbor — anyone with whom we have an ongoing relationship. 

I suggest a five-step process for dealing with valid anger. 

(1) Consciously acknowledge to yourself that you are angry. I suggest that you say the words out loud. “I am angry about this! Now what am I going to do?” Such a statement places the issues squarely on the table. You are now not only aware of your own anger, but you have distinguished for yourself the difference between your anger and the action you are going to take.

(2) Restrain your immediate response. Refuse to take the action that you typically take when feeling angry. Remember the commonsense advice of counting to ten? It is good advice, but many of us need to count to 100 or even 1000. I suggest that you count out loud. If you are in the presence of the person at whom you are angry, I suggest you leave. Take a walk as you count. About halfway around the block when you come to 597, you will probably be in a mental and emotional state where you can say, “Lord, You know that I am angry. I believe what they have done is wrong. Please help me make a wise decision about how to respond in this situation.” Then with God you begin to look at your options. 

(3) Locate the focus of your anger. Ask yourself, Why am I so angry? Is it what my spouse (or another person) has said or done? Is my anger toward the person influenced by something that happened at work today or in my childhood years ago? The secondary issue is, how serious is the offense? Someone not showing up on time is certainly not on the same level as someone being abusive. Some wrongs are minor and some are major.

(4) Analyze your options. It is now time to ask, What are the possible actions I can take? As I see it, there are only two options for a Christian. One is to lovingly confront the person. If you choose to do this option, do it gently. Listen to any explanation; it can give you a different perspective on the person’s actions and intentions.

The other is to consciously decide to overlook the matter. There are times when the best Christian option is to admit that yes, you have been wronged but to conclude that confronting the person who did the wrong holds little or no redemptive value. This is releasing the anger to God. It is giving up the right to take revenge, which, according to Scripture, is always God’s prerogative (see Rom. 12:19), and it is refusing to let what happened eat away at your own sense of well-being. 

(5) Take constructive action. If you choose to let the offense go, then you should share this decision with God. “Lord, You know what has happened. You know how hurt I am, how angry I feel. But I really believe that the best thing to do in this situation is to accept the wrong and turn the person over to You. I know you are a righteous God, so I trust You do to what is right by the person. I also release my anger to You. Help me not to be controlled by any residual thoughts and feelings that come to me over the next few days. Thank you that I am Your child and You will take care of me.”

REACT: Can you think of a recent situation when you applied any of these steps? How about when you didn’t but should have? How might the situation have turned out differently? Ask God to help you be alert and prepared for the next time you have valid reason to be angry.

Scripture: Ephesians 4:15

Devotion from When Sorry Isn’t Enough by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas 

Two Ways to Apologize: Expressing Regret / Accepting Responsibility

Karen and Jim have been married for twenty-seven years. When I asked her, “What do you look for in an apology when Jim has wronged you?” her immediate response was, “Most of all I want him to understand how he hurt me and why. I want him to see things from my perspective. I expect to hear him say, ‘I apologize. I am really sorry.’” 

Karen went on to relay an incident for which Jim apologized. Karen said, “Jim told me how sorry he was. He regretted what he had done and wished he had never done it. I knew he was sincere when I saw tears come to his eyes.” For Karen, the heart of an apology is a sincere expression of regret. 

Robert and Katie have been married for seven years. When I asked him, ‘How do you know that Katie is sincere when she apologizes?” his answer was, “Eye contact. If she looks me in the eye and says ‘I’m sorry,’ I know she’s sincere. If she says, ‘I’m sorry’ while passing through the room, I know she’s hiding something. A hug and a kiss lets me know she’s sincere.”

For some, the heart of a sincere apology is a sincere expression of regret. For others, body language can speak louder than our spoken language. 

An apology has more impact when it’s specific. LuAnn captured this idea when she said, “I expect the apologizer to say ‘I’m sorry for ____.’” When we’re specific, we communicate to the offended person that we truly understand how much we have hurt him or her. Specificity places the focus on our action and how it affected the other person. 

Why is it so difficult for some of us to say, “I was wrong”? Often our reluctance to admit wrongdoing is tied to our sense of self-worth. To admit that we are wrong is perceived as weakness. We may reason, “Only losers confess. Intelligent people try to show that their actions were justified.” 

The seeds of this self-justifying tendency are often planted in childhood. When a child is excessively punished, condemned or shamed for minor offenses, the sense of self-worth is diminished. Subconsciously, the child makes the emotional link between wrong behavior and low self-worth. Thus, to admit wrong is to be “bad.” The child who grows up with this emotional pattern will have difficulty admitting wrongdoing as an adult because to do so strikes at his or her self-esteem. 

The good news is that as adults we can understand these negative emotional patterns and yet not be imprisoned by them. The reality is that all of us are sinners; there are no perfect adults. Mature adults learn how to break the harmful patterns of childhood and accept responsibility for their own failures. The immature adult is forever rationalizing his own bad behavior. Mature adults learn to accept responsibility for their behavior, whereas immature adults continue with childish fantasies and tend to blame others for their mistakes. 

Alyssa is twenty-seven. While growing up, here dad told her that a wise person is willing to accept responsibility for his or her mistakes. “I’ll never forget what he said: ‘All of us make mistakes, but the only mistake that will destroy you is the one you are unwilling to admit.’

“I remember when I was young and would do something against the rules, he would look at me and ask, ‘Do you have something you’d like to say?’ He would smile and I would say, ‘I made a mistake. I was wrong. Will you forgive me?’ He would give me a hug and say, ‘You are forgiven.’

“Admitting my mistakes is a part of who I am, and I owe it to my father.”

Michael, twenty-four, never heard his father apologize to his mother or to him. At eighteen he left home and has never returned to visit. “In the community, my father was recognized as a successful man,” he explained, “but in my mind he was a hypocrite. I guess that’s why I have always been quick to apologize, willing to admit my failures. I want my relationships to be real, and I know that can’t happen if I’m not willing to admit I was wrong.”

REACT: Have you ever hurt someone without realizing it? What did you do when you became aware that you had hurt someone? 

Name a few of the most outrageous excuses you have heard people claim for refusing to admit wrong. Why do you think some people have such a difficult time admitting a wrongful act?

Scriptures: Ephesians 4:15, 1 Corinthians 13:1-13

Devotion from Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away by Gary Chapman

Speaking a Language of Love

The fact that love is an attitude rather than an emotion means that you can love your spouse even when you do not have warm emotional feelings for him or her. That is why in the first century, Paul the apostle wrote to husbands, “Love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her [by willingly dying on the cross]” (Eph. 5:25). In another of his letters, Paul challenged the older women to “urge the younger women to love their husbands” (Titus 2:4). Love can be learned, because it is not an emotion.

After years of counseling, I am convinced that there are only five basic “languages” of love. They are: 

1. Words of Affirmation — Verbally affirming your spouse for the good things he or she does.

2. Quality Time — Giving your spouse undivided attention.

3. Receiving Gifts — Presenting a gift to your spouse that says, “I was thinking about you.”

4. Acts of service — Doing something for your spouse that is meaningful to him or her.

5. Physical touch — Kissing, embracing, patting on the back, holding hands, sexual intercourse.

Part of the problem spouses have in demonstrating love to each other is that they fail to understand that they speak different “love languages.” Seldom do a husband and wife have the same love language. By nature, you tend to speak your own language. For example, if quality time makes you feel loved, then that’s what you try to give your spouse. But if that is not his or her primary language, it will not mean to your spouse what it would mean to you. 

So you need to know, and then speak, your spouse’s primary love language. This simple message, which I have shared in marriage seminars and the book The 5 Love Languages, has helped millions of couples. Discovering your spouse’s primary love language and choosing to speak it on a regular basis has tremendous potential for changing the emotional climate of your marriage. 

Love is the most powerful weapon for good not only in the world but especially in a desperate marriage. When you choose to reach out with a loving attitude and loving actions toward your spouse in spite of past failures, you create a climate where the two of you can resolve conflicts and confess wrongs. A marriage can be reborn. Reality living says, “I will choose the road of love because its potential is far greater than the road of hate.”

I am sympathetic to those who feel that there is no hope for their marriage. But let’s not assume that past failures must be repeated in the future. With a new set of guidelines and a willingness to take action, there is hope for a hard marriage. And if your spouse is not going to join you on working on the marriage at this time, that does not mean that your marriage is hopeless. One person must always take the initiative. Perhaps that person will be you.

Scripture: James 1:20

Devotion from Anger, Taming a Powerful Emotion by Gary Chapman

 When Anger Is Wrong 

You might be asking, “Why has anger caused so much trouble in the world?”

The answer is as ancient as the garden of Eden. The drama revealed in Genesis 3 featuring Adam and Eve, the serpent, and a fruit tree significantly altered human nature. We now have the tendency to take every good gift of God and distort it into something perverse. The gifts of reason, sexuality, love and so much more have all been perverted.

Anger is no different. The deceiver is still among us, and the scene of Eden is repeated daily. Perverting the divine purpose of anger has been one of Satan’s most successful tactical designs.

The Enemy has used many strategies to twist God’s intention for human anger. One of the most powerful is to make us think that all our anger is of equal value. “If I perceive that I have been wronged, then I have been wronged.” This illusion leads us to conclude that we always have a right to feel angry.

But the fact is that much of our anger is distorted. Two kinds of anger exist: definitive and distorted. Definitive anger is born of wrongdoing. Someone treats us unfairly, steals our property, lies about our character or in some other way does us wrong. This is the only kind of anger God ever experiences. It is valid anger. 

The second kind of anger, however, is not valid. It is triggered by a mere disappointment, an unfulfilled desire, a frustrated effort, a bad mood or any number of other things that have nothing to do with any moral transgression. The situation simply has made life inconvenient for us, touched one of our hot spots or happened at a time when we were extremely tired or stressed. I call this distorted anger, not because the emotions are any less intense than those experienced with definitive anger, but because they are the responses to something less than genuine wrongdoing. 

Here are some ways to handle distorted anger:

(1) Tell the other person about your concern and ask to talk about it. I call this “sharing information.” We are not sharing a verdict: “You let me down.” “You disappointed me.” In contrast, “I’m feeling (disappointed, hurt or other emotion) and I need your help” is a statement of information. 

(2) Recognize that you might not have all the facts. Therefore, it is difficult to determine whether our anger is definitive or distorted. Gather information. 

(3) Sometimes when our anger is distorted we cannot simply release it and accept what the other person has done. Often we need to negotiate understanding. For even when the other has done nothing morally wrong, his or her behavior is still painful. You still feel disappointed, frustrated, hurt and angry. You need to understand the person’s actions — and he or she needs to understand your feelings. Express your struggles, then listen to the other person’s response. Be honest. 

(4) In all human relationships, people will find certain behavioral characteristics irritating. For the most part, this anger is distorted in that the other person’s behavior is not morally wrong; he or she has not perpetrated an evil against us. If the relationship is a close one and the person is one with whom we spend a great deal of time, such as in family or vocation, it is sometimes helpful to seek to mitigate these irritations by requesting change. Please notice I say requesting, not demanding or manipulating. None of us responds well to these approaches. 

REACT: How would you explain the difference between valid (definitive) and distorted anger? 

Scripture: Romans 12:9-10

Devotion from When Sorry Isn’t Enough by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas 

Two Ways to Apologize: Making Restitution / Genuinely Repenting

It was one of those feel-good stories you see in the newspaper and on TV before Christmas. In the Youngstown, Ohio, area, a thief made off with cash from one of those familiar Salvation Army red kettles. In fact, the perpetrator, apparently dressed in a Salvation Army jacket, walked away with the money and the kettle while the bell ringer was taking a break.

But what could have been a sad “stealing from the poor” story turned into something more heartwarming two days later, when someone anonymously left $130 and a note of apology at the Salvation Army’s office. “Here is the money I took plus money for a new kettle and bell . . . Please forgive me.” The unidentified wrongdoer not only apologized, he or she made restitution, making a tangible effort to right the wrong they committed. 

The idea of “making things right” to make up for a wrong is embedded within the human psyche, from our judicial system to the arena of family relationships. If Sophia’s little brother Jacob steals her favorite toy, Mom or Dad makes him give it back. If a criminal steals from someone, a judge orders him to repay his victim in some way. Rather than simply spending time in prison, the criminal needs to make efforts to make up for the wrong to the one who was wronged. 

For some people, the statement, “It is not right for me to have treated you that way,” must be followed up with “What can I do to show you that I still care about you?” Without this effort at restitution, the person wronged will question the sincerity of the apology. 

While in some cases, making restitution is appropriate, in other situations, many people can identify with the wife who lamented, “We have the same old arguments about the same old things. What upsets me most is not the offending action—it’s the repetition of the offending action. He apologizes. He promises not to do it again. Then he does it again—the ‘it’ being as small as leaving the bathroom light on or as annoying as needless crabbiness.”

This wife doesn’t want “sorry.” She wants her husband to repent.

The word repentance means “to turn around” or “to change one’s mind.” It is illustrated by someone who is walking west and, for whatever reason, suddenly turns 180 degrees and walks toward the east. The individual realizes that his or her present behavior is destructive. The person regrets the pain he or she is causing the other person, and chooses to change his behavior. 

Repentance is more than saying, “I’m sorry; I was wrong. How can I make this up to you?” It is saying, “I’ll try not to do this again.” 

All true repentance begins in the heart. We recognize that what we have done is wrong, that our actions have hurt the one we love. We don’t want to continue this behavior, so we decide that with God’s help, we will change. Then we verbalize this decision to the person we have offended. Jim said, “I expect the person to tell me they were wrong and tell me that they’re going to make changes so that it won’t happen again. I want them to be realistic and tell me that they know they have to work on it so I should be patient with them.”

The problem with not verbalizing your intention is that the offended person cannot read your mind. He or she doesn’t know that in your heart you have decided to make changes. It might take weeks or months for them to observe the difference in you, but even then they might not know what motivated the transformation. 

It is perfectly fine to tell them that you hope they will be patient with you because you know you will not be 100 percent successful immediately, but that it is your intention to change this destructive behavior. Now they know your intention and sense that your apology is sincere so they can now forgive you even before the changes are actually made. 

REACT: Repentance has been described above as turning around or changing your mind. In what other ways have you heard repentance defined? Think of a time when you wanted your spouse or another person close to you to not just apologize, but change their behavior — what happened? How might restitution work out both in society at large and within our personal relationships? When is a time when you chose to not just say “I’m sorry” but to make restitution or to change your behavior? 

Scripture: Proverbs 15:23

Devotion from Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away by Gary Chapman

The Silent Partner

Katelyn was a free-spirited, laughing, loving and caring person. But in my office, she was not laughing. Tears long held inside were cascading down her normally cheerful face. “Chris won’t talk to me,” she said. “I mean, he really won’t talk to me. It’s tearing me up inside.”

There are many reason why some spouses become uncommunicative. Their unwillingness to share verbally finds its root in what is going on inside of them. Often it is unmet needs in the marital relationship that have sparked resentment in the spirit of the silent spouse. His silence is a way of expressing this resentment. It is her way of saying, “I don’t like you so I will treat you as a nonperson.”

I don’t mean that the silent partner is consciously thinking these thoughts; I mean these are the inner emotional reasons why he or she is not talking. If you can discover the emotions inside your uncommunicative spouse and the factors that give rise to these emotions, you will be well on your way to helping your spouse break his or her silence.

The spouse who seeks to be an agent of positive change in his or her marriage would do well to ask this question: “Does my spouse have an unmet emotional need that may be causing him to resent me?” 

A positive answer to this question may uncover your spouse’s unmet needs and thus the source of his or her silence. Your challenge will be to find a way to help your spouse meet that emotional need and at the same time maintain your own integrity and get your own emotional needs met.

Another way to become an agent for change is to ask yourself: Does my communication pattern make it difficult for my spouse to talk? Negative communication patterns can silence a spouse. The solution is to change those patterns. Here are some questions you can ask yourself to determine whether your conversation with your spouse are negative. Answer each one honestly with a yes or a no.

Do I often come across as complaining?

When my spouse talks, do I cut him off and give my responses?

Do I force the issue of communication with my spouse, even in those times when she needs to be alone?

Do I broadcast our private conversations to others?

Do I openly share my own needs and desires as demands rather than requests?

When my spouse shares an opinion that differs from mine, am I quick to “set him straight”?

If you can answer yes to any of these questions, it may be time for you to change a negative communication pattern. Changing these patterns may be difficult, but it is the way toward loosening the tongue of your uncommunicative spouse. 

One of the best ways to do this is to develop the art of listening. If you exhibit the sincere desire to understand your spouse through listening, you will enhance the climate of open communication. There are many ways you can communicate “I care about what you say” just by listening. Give your spouse your undivided attention when he or she is talking; maintain eye contact when possible; turn off the TV; lay down the book (or Facebook) and give your mate your focused attention. All these actions communicate “Your words matter to me.” 

To receive your spouse’s ideas as information rather than as an opinion that you must correct creates an atmosphere of acceptance. This doesn’t mean that you agree with all of those ideas; it simply means that you give your spouse the freedom to hold those ideas. 

Learning to control your anger and to hear your spouse out also enhances communication. Loud, angry outbursts almost always stop the flow of communication. Practice “reflective listening,” reflecting back your spouse’s words in your own words. “Are you saying . . .” and “What I hear you saying is . . .” are phrases that help your spouse clarify what he or she is saying. At times, indicate your understanding of the message: “I think I understand . . . I see what you’re saying . . . That makes a lot of sense.” Such statements tend to keep your spouse talking. All of us are more likely to communicate our inner thoughts and feelings if we believe that someone genuinely wants to hear what we want to say and will not condemn us.

REACT: Whether a relationship is healthy or strained, it’s a good idea to examine our own patterns of communication and note areas that need change. Did you answer yes to any of the six questions above? How can you change a communication pattern? Above all, be sure to communicate with the Lord, the one who knows you and your spouse best, the one who invites you to speak to Him in prayer: “And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests” (Ephesians 6:18).  

Scriptures: 1 Kings 19:11-12, Jeremiah 29:11

Devotion from Anger, Taming a Powerful Emotion by Gary Chapman

When You Are Angry at God

Diane was past the weeping stage when she sat in my office, but she was white-hot with anger. Jennifer, her daughter, had been killed three months earlier by a repeat offender drunken driver. As she came out of shock into the world of painful reality, she was grieving over her tragic loss, and her loss was compounded by her anger. 

As I continued to listen as Diane shared her thoughts and feelings, I felt deep empathy. Wanting to discover the focus of her anger and knowing that Diane was a deeply committed Christian, I asked, “What are your feelings toward God in all of this?”

“I hate to say it, but to be honest, I’m mad at God right now. I feel like He has deserted me. He could have spared Jennifer’s life. She was so young and talented. Why would God allow this? I don’t understand.”

Christians often experience anger toward God in the face of tragedy. It is often true that the stronger one’s Christian commitment, the more intense will be the person’s anger toward God. As Diane said later, “I’ve tried to live for God and be faithful. Why would He let this happen to me?” 

Diane was experiencing what Job must have experienced (see Job 1:8; 2:3; 16:11, 22; 17:1, 11). And when we look at Job and other biblical examples of people who were angry with God, it is clear that God did not condemn such anger. He entered into conversation with these people and helped them work through their anger. However, this does not mean that He always gave a full explanation of why bad things happened to good people. He is willing to hear our expressions of anger and listen as we pour out our pain. Knowing that God is all-powerful and could have averted unjust or tragic events, hurting Christians often ask, “Why did God not do something?”

When I ponder this question, two alternatives come to mind. One, God could eliminate all sinful people and thus wipe out all the pain caused by their sinful acts. This, however, would eliminate the entire human race, because as the Bible says, “Everyone has sinned” (Rom. 3:23). 

The second possibility would be for God to step in and miraculously avert the consequences of all evil. God could stop all bombs from exploding, stall all cars of drunken drivers, eliminate all germs and viruses, evaporate all bullets, strike mute on all who begin to speak a hurtful word, and so on. While all this may sound inviting, it removes human freedom and makes a person a robot that must do only good deeds. Apparently God values freedom, and freedom requires the option to disobey as well as to obey. There can be no freedom without the possibility of evil, and evil always has negative consequences.

The problem with our anger toward God is not the anger itself but how we handle it. Your anger with God is distorted anger. God has done you no wrong, but your feeling is still real anger, a response to a situation that brought great pain to you and that you believe God could have averted. But you may take your anger to God. As our compassionate Father, He wants to hear our complaints. At the same time, as our Sovereign Lord, He will either help us understand His perspective on the situation or He will simply ask us to trust Him.

Read the account of Elijah and the prophets of Baal in 1 Kings 18–19. Especially note Elijah’s anger with God afterword, in 19:4, and how God’s voice came to Elijah in verses 10, 12–13. You too can learn to pay attention to where God may be speaking. His “quiet whisper” may come to you through a Christian friend, a sermon, a book, an event, through music, prayer or reading His Word. However it comes, you will know it is His “whisper” if the message you receive is consistent with Scripture.

The believer who honestly shares his or her anger with God eventually will experience His peace (Phil. 4:7). With this peace comes the full assurance that your life is in the hands of a loving God, that what has happened does not mean He has abandoned you. And trust that as long as you are alive, God still has “hope and a future” for you, a purpose whereby you can carry out His good plans.

REACT: Are you now or have you ever been angry with God? Can you be honest with Him about your feelings? Are you willing to continue to seek and trust Him, acknowledging that what has happened does not mean He has abandoned you?

Scripture: Psalms 51:1-19

Devotion from When Sorry Isn’t Enough by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas 

Truly Sorry and Truly Forgiven

Steven Spielberg’s award-winning movie Lincoln looks at the months in the great president’s life when he was pushing for passage of the Emancipation Proclamation. The success of the film has reminded Americans once again of our sorrowful history of slavery. Much has been said over the years about “apologizing” for enslavement, about making reparations and effecting reconciliation. The same has happened in regard to other unjustly treated groups such as Japanese-Americans who were interned during World War II or Native Americans who suffered so greatly as our nation expanded westward.

And today, when so many conflicts in our families and in our cities are “resolved” at the point of a gun, we must ask: What would happen if we all learned to apologize more effectively? If we learned to forgive and accept forgiveness?

Perhaps we can learn from a five-year-old.

When our granddaughter Davy Grace was five, her mother and father allowed her to spend a special week with Grandma and Grandpa. Karolyn and I were elated. The week was great fun. But one experience is indelibly printed in my memory. Karolyn has a special drawer where she keeps stickers for the grandchildren. Davy Grace, of course, knew about this special drawer and asked her grandmother if she could have some stickers. Karolyn told her that she could have three, any three she chose. 

An hour or two later, we began to see stickers all over the house. Davy Grace had taken the entire sheet of stickers and placed them randomly. Karolyn said to her, “I thought I told you to take only three stickers, but you have taken the whole sheet.”

Davy Grace stood in silence as her grandmother continued. “You disobeyed Grandmother.”

Tears cascaded down Davy Grace’s face as she said, “I need somebody to forgive me.”

I shall never forget those words nor the pain that I saw in her young face. My tears joined her tears as I embraced her and said, “Honey, all of us need somebody to forgive us. And Papa will be happy to forgive you, and I’m sure Grandmother will also.” Karolyn joined us in our hug of reconciliation.

I have reflected upon that scene many times. I’m convinced that the need for forgiveness is universal and that acknowledging that need is the essence of an apology.

Years ago while living in Chicago, I often volunteered at the Pacific Garden Mission. I met scores of men and a few women who shared with me their journey to the streets. I recognized a common thread through all of their stories. All of them had a series of experiences in which someone treated them unfairly — at least this was their perception. And no one ever apologized. Many of them admitted that they also had treated others unkindly and failed to apologize. A string of broken relationships was the result. Eventually, there was no one to whom they could turn, so they turned to the streets. I have often wondered how different things might have been had someone taught these men and women to apologize.

On the other end of the social spectrum is corporate America. In recent years, we have seen numerous corporate executives indicted and sometimes convicted of fraud. One wonders what would have happened if these executives had learned to apologize when they were climbing up the corporate ladder. 

Many government employees have also joined the ranks of the convicted. Most of them have pleaded innocent until they were proven guilty. When apologies have been made, they tended to be stated in very nebulous terms and often appeared self-serving. In the case of government and public executives, the reluctance to apologize may grow out of fear that the apology will be used against them. They reason, Better to keep quiet and maintain my position than to apologize and lose everything. Many have never come to understand that there are things in life more important than money and power.

The art of apologizing is not easy, but it can be learned, and it is worth the effort. If apologizing were a way of life, no walls would be built. Relationships would be authentic. Certainly people would fail, but the failures would be dealt with in an open and honest manner. Regret would be expressed; responsibility would be accepted. Restitution would be made. Genuine repentance would be our intention. Perhaps we should be praying, “Father, give me the attitude of Davy Grace: ‘I need somebody to forgive me.’” 

REACT: Think of some of the conflicts and ills in our society. How would admitting wrong help heal some of these ills?