Hope After Loss – Leaning on God After Losing a Loved One to Addiction

Scripture: Psalms 42:1-11

How Do I Ever Get Through This?

Our loved one is gone. We lost a person who we adored. We lost the hard-fought battle with addiction. And we lost an entire lifetime of dreams, wishes, plans, and hopes. 

The day my 21-year-old daughter Lexi left this earth was the worst day of my life and the beginning of the hardest time in my life. How could it be that I would never see her beautiful big brown eyes again, never laugh with her again? So much of my time, energy, and prayer had gone into trying to help her. Now there was a gigantic hole. 

I felt I had failed. The pain was a heavy weight in my soul every hour of every day. I felt like the psalmist in Psalm 42 who says, ”My tears have been my food day and night.” I sure can relate to that sorrowful psalm. 

But… the psalmist doesn’t stay lost in his tears. He begins preaching to himself: “Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God.” 

Rather than letting himself spiral into darkness, the writer of the psalm stops himself in his tracks and redirects his mind. He looks back to remember the times of blessing, and reminds himself of God’s steadfast love throughout his entire life. 

How easy it is during times of trial to let our minds fall into believing lies? “A good God would not have let this happen.” “If God loved me, He wouldn’t let me suffer like this.” “God has abandoned me.” Or worse yet, “God clearly doesn’t exist.”

How easy it is to be led by our fluctuating emotions: 

“I can’t endure this pain; this is too much.”“It will never end; there is nothing to live for anymore.”“I can’t go on.” “No one understands and I am totally alone.” “There is no hope.” 

This is when we must begin preaching to ourselves. Our emotions are not reliable and cannot be trusted. God created us, He loves us, and He is always there with us, even when we don’t feel it. He promises He has a plan for our lives, even for this suffering, even for this pain. Like the psalmist, we must determine to put our hope in Him. 

How can we do this? 

We must keep pouring truths into our souls. We can do that by committing to spending time in the Bible, filling our minds with His promises and His love. 

We can flood our minds with worship music and spiritual songs, which keep us aware of His presence and provision. 

Attending church and sitting under the preaching of God’s Word gives us grace and strength to cope each week. 

Spending time in prayer allows God to speak directly to our hearts. 

And, just like the psalmist, we have to intentionally focus on gratitude, looking through the cloud of grief to the many blessings that surround us. It’s been proven that gratitude releases dopamine and serotonin in our brains, which positively impact mood and motivation. When we redirect our minds towards holy truths (which is an ongoing process), we combat the enemy and keep his lies from seeping into our hearts and totally deflating us. When we determine to set our minds on God, He will provide us with hope. 

Today’s Challenge:Preach to yourself. Be intentional about pouring truths into your soul. How will you make time for God’s word this week? When thoughts start to turn negative, look for things to be thankful for. Determine to put your hope in God. 

Prayer:

Lord, my heart aches with the pain of loss. But I WILL put my hope in you. Even though it doesn’t seem possible, I will keep leaning on you, knowing that your promises are true. Thank you for your constant and faithful love in the midst of my pain. You are the God of my life.

Scriptures: Psalms 139:13-16, Isaiah 46:9-10

Was This All My Fault?

Why didn’t I bring her home when I had the chance?

Two days before Lexi passed away, I had made a two-hour drive to spend some time with her. We had lunch and talked about life and her future. She had spent much of the previous year of her life in discipleship training and on a mission trip to Nepal, clean and sober. But then, in efforts to help a friend, she had a setback and relapsed, and was once again floundering with drug use. Our conversation that day had been so positive. As I drove the two hours home, I felt such hope. This was just a little bump in the road; she was going to be fine.

Two days later, a police officer was at our door, giving me the worst news that I could ever imagine – my daughter was gone. 

Immediately, my mind went to all the would-have, should-have, could-haves. If only I had made her come home with me two days before! Then this never would have happened. If only we would have done something to keep our daughter from becoming addicted in the first place. As parents, this must be on our shoulders! If only… 

There were a million regrets. 

But the truth about addiction is that we as family members are not to blame. Addiction is not something we caused, and it is not a choice our loved one made. Unfortunately, some people have brains that are predisposed to addiction. While some can experiment with drugs or partake in alcoholic beverages and not become addicted, some very quickly become hooked on these substances. I know Lexi would never have chosen the lifestyle of devastation and shame that addiction brought. And I never would have chosen it for her. 

Another truth is that as parents, we did everything God led us to do at the time. Had we done everything perfectly? No. Hindsight is 20/20, and it is easy to look back and see what we could have done differently. But when we believe in a sovereign God, we can trust that, shattering though it was for us, what happened to Lexi was within his plan. 

According to God, our loved ones have always belonged to HIM. He created them. He is the one who formed their inward parts, who knit them together in their mothers’ wombs. According to His Word, all the days ordained for them were written in His book before one of them came to be. He set His love on them before the beginning of time. He knew the path they would take, and knew their hurts and hopes. Thankfully, He blessed me with the gift of having my daughter in my life for twenty-one years. But she was His to begin with, and she is now safely with Him again. 

Who am I to think I had any power to control a situation that was clearly ordained by our loving Creator and God? How could I have ever changed the will of God? 

We can take comfort in knowing our loved ones’ addiction and their death are not our fault. We can know their lives were in God’s hands. 

Today’s Challenge:Refuse to believe the lies that the enemy uses to bring us down. When your mind starts wandering to what you wish you would have done differently, refocus it on all the things you DID do to help your loved one. 

Prayer:Lord, you are sovereign over all things. You are all-knowing and all-powerful. Thank you for creating my loved one so specially and uniquely, and for setting your love on them from the very start. Thank you for allowing me to know and love them for so many years. Help me to focus on and appreciate the good times we had together. Give me peace and assurance in my heart that everything that happened was within your control.

Scriptures: Psalms 139:7-10, Matthew 28:20, Hebrews 13:5

Where is God in My Pain?

This hurt is so great. It’s overwhelming. I just don’t feel God’s presence at all. All I feel is pain.

These are things I found myself crying out in the midst of my grief. Why are there times we cannot feel God? Does it mean He has left us? 

The truth is, our journey with God is not always about feeling; it’s about knowing. We may not always feel His presence, or see Him working, but that does not mean He isn’t there. 

How do we know? 

Over and over in scripture, God assures us of His constant presence. David recognizes that God’s Spirit dwells everywhere and always holds him. Jesus assures His followers that he will always be with them, even to the end of time. The writer of Hebrews reminds the early Christians that God will never leave them or forsake them. 

These are truths we can KNOW. And God expects us to continue to trust Him, to believe Him, and to obey Him, based on these promises. 

And when we keep our hearts open, God will reveal Himself to us in the most amazing ways. Often this is through the Bible, where the words jump off the page and into our hearts just when we need them most. And sometimes it happens in the world around us, through unexpected circumstances or special signs that are more than just mere coincidence. At Hope After Loss, we like to call these times, “God winks.” 

I experienced one of those God winks on the cold January morning of Lexi’s burial. My heart ached at the impossibility of what lay ahead of me: How would I ever get through her memorial service? As we walked from the graveside to the car to drive to the church, I put my hands in my coat pockets for warmth. Feeling a piece of paper, I pulled it out, thinking it was trash to throw away. But I stood in awe as my eyes fell on the paper and I saw Lexi’s handwriting staring back at me. 

It was a church program, dated nine months earlier, covered with her notes and doodles. I vaguely remembered her tossing me the program that day after church. How had I not thrown it away or even noticed it in my pocket until that day??

As we drove to the church, I read those notes and doodles and peace flooded over my soul. Here were my daughter’s thoughts about God! It was like a little confirmation from Him, reminding me that she was there with Him, experiencing His perfect love and never-ending joy. I clutched that piece of paper throughout the service as if I was holding her hand. This is one of many times when God has given me a glimpse of His glory in a special way in the midst of darkness. As a matter of fact, it has been during this dark time that I have been able to experience His presence in ways that I never have before! 

God is always with us and always upholds us. 

Today’s Challenge:Think about ways God has revealed Himself to you during this difficult time, and the special ways He has shown you his love. Write down these “God winks” and share them with others. Decide to trust Him even during those times when you cannot feel Him. 

Prayer:Thank you, God, that you are always here with me. Please help me to trust that you are upholding me, even when I don’t feel it. Continue to show yourself to me and let me feel your presence and comfort. Become more real to me in the midst of my darkness and pain. 

Scriptures: Revelation 4:11, Romans 8:28

Why Did This Happen?

I was just certain God was going to heal my daughter from her addiction and use her to help other people. Lexi had experienced God’s loving grace, had fought to turn her life around, and had lived in sobriety for almost a year. She had such a testimony, and such a love for sharing it with others. I felt like I had been believing and trusting in God for her healing for so long. And then: relapse, and suddenly, she was gone. Many times God had preserved her life in the past. Why not now? It didn’t make any sense. I felt betrayed by God. Why, God? Why?

At the Christian school where I teach, the kindergartners are taught catechism questions based on the Westminster Confession of Faith to help them learn truths about God at their level. One day as I was lamenting the loss of Lexi, the first few questions rang through my head: 

Who made you?

God. 

What else did God make?

God made all things. 

Why did God make you and all things?

For His own glory. 

The answer to my “Why?” was right there at the beginning of this children’s catechism. God created everything that exists. He sustains His creation, works through His creation, and allows all things to happen with one purpose in mind: HIS OWN GLORY. 

But what about sin, suffering, and death? Can God even use those awful things for His glory? He can and He does. 

Examples of this are found throughout the entire Bible, but one of my favorites is the story of Joseph. Joseph, one of the twelve sons of Isaac, is hated by his brothers, sold into slavery, and unjustly imprisoned in a foreign land. But through all of these trials, he remains faithful to God, and is eventually raised up to be second in command over all of Egypt. This allows him to save not only his family but the entire country from famine. In the end, he is able to forgive his brothers and acknowledge, “…you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good…” (Gen. 50:20). 

Did he understand why everything happened at the time, why evil seemed to keep prevailing in his life? No. But even through years of betrayal, isolation, and unjust punishment, he continued to be obedient and faithful to God. Our continued faith and obedience to God, in the midst of hard things, brings Him glory. 

Isaiah 57:1 says, “Good people pass away; the godly often die before their time. But no one seems to care or wonder why. No one seems to understand that God is protecting them from the evil to come.” Could it be that God chose to rescue our loved ones from their battles on this earth for their own good? Or that He was protecting them from future sufferings they would have had to endure? 

The bottom line is we may never know the answers. And that is okay. We have a loving God whom we can trust. His sovereign plan is like a pillow we can fall back on, with the comfort that His way is what is best for us and our loved ones, and that he is working all things together for our good and His glory. 

Today’s Challenge:Can you continue to trust and obey God, even though you do not have the answers? 

Prayer:Lord, today I surrender to your will. You tell us that everything works together for those who love you and are called according to your purpose. Let me rest in your sovereign will and your glory.

Scriptures: Matthew 11:28-29, 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

Am I All Alone?

Experiencing the loss of a loved one already produces feelings of deep sorrow and pain, but when the loss is due to addiction, it takes things to another level. Because of what we have experienced, there is so much more to our loss. We’ve suffered the awful roller coaster of watching our loved ones struggle and fight the battle of substance use. We have worn ourselves out from trying to figure out how to help them. We have prayed and hoped and feared. And then, our greatest fear has come true. We are left with crushed hopes, with guilt and regret. Very few people can understand this heart-wrenching journey and its devastating ending. 

Family and friends try to show compassion, but often it just falls flat. The stigma of addiction brings with it a feeling of judgment. Horrifically, some people believe our loved one’s death was simply a result of their own bad choices. 

All of this brings an intense feeling of isolation and loneliness. But YOU ARE NOT ALONE. 

First and foremost, God is always there. He understands our pain perfectly. As a matter of fact, He watched His own Son suffer. Jesus underwent harrowing emotional turmoil during His life on this earth. He fought temptation in the wilderness, continually fled persecution, and was rejected by those He came to serve. He was even eventually betrayed by His closest friends before suffering one of the most cruel and painful deaths that humans had ever invented: crucifixion on a cross. 

How amazing to think that God Himself can relate to watching a loved one, His own child, suffer and die. And even more amazing is the fact that He did it for us. Out of His great love for us. 

God knows and understands our pain, and He wants us to turn to Him for comfort. He promises He will heal the broken-hearted, and will bind up their wounds. (Psalm 147:3) 

Comfort can also be found through other people who can relate to our situation. We quickly learn there are people who just don’t get it. And that’s okay. We don’t need to bare our souls to people who don’t have compassion for our situation. But there ARE people out there who have traveled the road of addiction and loss, and we can seek out and rely on these people! 

How wonderful it feels to be able to open your heart and share your innermost feelings with someone you can trust, who will listen without judgment, and who is suffering a similar pain. When I met people at Hope After Loss who had experienced the pain of loss due to addiction, and had not only survived but were still smiling, it gave me the smallest glimmer of hope that maybe I somehow could, too. 

This community of people understands loss due to addiction. They are there to listen, support, and encourage each other, building a connection like no other. With the help of God, we can get through this together! 

Today’s Challenge:Spend time today in quiet communion with God, asking Him for rest from your burdens. Think about who you can turn to for support and encouragement. Pray for God to bring the right people into your life. Take that step and reach out to someone. 

Prayer:Lord, thank you that you care about me and that you call to me to find comfort in your loving arms. Thank you that you understand my deep sorrow and pain. Let me find rest for my soul in your presence. Please surround me with others who can relate to my pain and offer support. Thank you that I am not alone.

Scriptures: Psalms 65:4, Ephesians 2:8-9

Where is My Loved One?

Many people don’t give much thought to the afterlife. But now you and I have a real interest in heaven, because someone we love has passed from this life. 

What is heaven like, and how do we know if our loved ones are there? Is it only for people who were “good” on this earth, and are they now a bunch of angels flying around playing harps? 

Here are some things the Bible says about heaven: 

Heaven is where God the Father resides. (Acts 7:49, Matthew 6:10) 

Jesus the Son lives there and is preparing a place for us. (John:14:2) 

We will be reunited with loved ones and meet the Lord, and from then on will be always with Him. (1 Thessalonians 4:14-18) We will worship God with the angels and redeemed people. (Revelation 5:11-13) 

It is a place full of joy and pleasures forever. (Psalm 16:11) 

Death, sin, and sadness will be no more. (Revelation 21:4) 

So are our loved ones in this glorious place? 

Unfortunately, because of the control the drugs had over their brains, our loved ones often did not live pretty lives. Addicts steal, they lie, they break relationships, they spend time in jail. On this earth, they may have been judged as “bad people.” But according to God’s Word, salvation is not about a person’s actions, but their FAITH. This is not to glaze over addicts’ sin or excuse their behavior. But the Bible is clear that we are saved by faith, not works (Ephesians 2:8-9). Some of us may wonder about our loved one’s faith, but that is not in our hands to decide. We are not the judge and jury of the universe. There is a loving, gracious God who created our loved ones, and He is the one in control of their eternal fate. And we can trust Him with that. 

I am reminded of the thief being crucified on the cross next to Jesus, who lived a life of reckless, rebellious sin. Minutes before his death, he reaches out to Christ. How does Christ respond? Jesus says, “Truly I say to you, today you will be with me in paradise.” 

My daughter may have struggled on this earth. But I can find comfort in knowing that she is now healed, living in Her Father’s courts, experiencing the goodness of His house, and the holiness of His temple. 

Today’s Challenge:Can we trust God with our loved ones’ eternal security? Who do you know who needs to hear about the hope of heaven? 

Prayer:Lord, thank you for preparing a place for your believers, and thank you that we can look forward to being there with you in a state of eternal joy. We rest in the hope that our loved ones are there waiting for us. Please help us to trust you in all things, including our loved ones’ eternal well-being.

Scriptures: Colossians 4:2, Matthew 6:9-13

What Use Is It To Pray?

We had prayed and prayed for Lexi to be healed from addiction and now she was gone. What good were our prayers?In the months following Lexi’s death, I found myself crying out in frustration. I had begged God for her to find sobriety. Yes, she had found recovery for a time… until the drugs sucked her back in. What use was prayer? 

Deeply troubled, I didn’t know how to pray anymore. I felt at a loss for words. In desperation, I found myself turning to the prayer of Jesus, stumbling over the words, hoping that somehow I could begin to mean them. 

“Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be your name.” This opening allowed me to humble myself before God as I acknowledged His authority, His Lordship in heaven, and lifted up and exalted His holy name. 

“Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.” This next phrase resonated strongly within my soul. Rather than bringing my “grocery list” of requests to God, I began to simply focus on praying for God’s will to be done, and for my will to align with His. Suddenly prayer became less about me and more about submission to the holy, all-knowing, all-powerful Creator of the universe. 

“Give us this day our daily bread.” I began to ask God not just for physical provision and the things I wanted, but for the spiritual nourishment I needed to get through each day. For wisdom, patience, strength, joy, peace. These were gifts that only He could provide. And they were the only things I truly needed. 

“Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.” Oh, how I was in need of God’s forgiveness and grace as I needed to be reminded to show grace to those around me. 

“Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.” I knew the enemy wanted me to succumb to my doubts and depression. He wanted this loss to separate me from God and destroy my life. He had been trying to do just that by making me feel that God didn’t care about my prayers. Now more than ever, I needed protection from the evil one. 

“For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory forever. Amen.” This ending was a beautiful exclamation point to my prayer, leaving me with the humble acknowledgement that God is the king over all and deserving of all glory. I needed this perspective to remain at the forefront of my mind. 

As I focused on this prayer every day, I grew in awe of its beauty and perfection. It was short and simple, but it encompassed everything I needed to commune with God. And it put my heart where it needed to be: in a place of submission and trust before my Lord and Savior. 

And I also became aware that maybe God had answered my prayers for Lexi after all. I had prayed for her healing, and now she was healed, both physically and spiritually. Selfishly, I would have liked to see her healed here on this earth. But was that best for her? She is now healed wholly and completely. If I truly love her and want what is best for her, should I not be willing to sacrifice my desire to have her here and allow her to be truly healed? 

Through the words of the Lord’s Prayer, I found meaning and depth in communing with God, and my confusion and frustration was replaced with peace. 

Today’s Challenge:Commit to spending time with God by meditating on the words of the Lord’s Prayer. 

Prayer:Thank you, Jesus, for showing us how to pray. Thank you for being an example of submission to our Heavenly Father. Help us to find peace through the words of your beautiful prayer.

Scriptures: Hebrews 12:1-2, 1 Peter 4:19

How Do I Go On?

We spent so much time trying to help our loved ones. Now there is a huge hole in our lives. Holidays will never be the same. Birthdays and death days will come around and strangle our hearts. People will say hurtful things to try to help, or some will completely ignore what we are going through and say nothing at all. 

When will I ever recover from this?

The truth is, we will never recover. We will learn how to live with chronic pain of the soul. We will put on a brave face, often for the sake of other family members, and go through the motions of what we need to do. We will smile when we feel like screaming, make small talk when we feel like running away, plow through our day when we feel like burrowing in bed and never coming out. And we will get through it one moment at a time, by setting one foot in front of the other, just as a marathon runner tackles a 26.2-mile race one step at a time. 

It takes perseverance to continue this difficult race. But we can know that God marked out our course and will give us the strength to keep going every day. Sometimes our feet may falter and we may stumble. Some days pain will seem to overcome us, and our tears will overwhelm us. But we will continue to steadily direct our eyes on Jesus, refusing to give up, keeping grounded in the truth, finding power in his never-ending love, and enduring our pain with hope. 

I remember one day several months after Lexi’s death, crying out to God, I just can’t do this! But then I stopped and realized, I was doing it. I was somehow getting through each day, going to school, interacting with my students, taking care of my three kids, and fulfilling my obligations. Somehow, I was putting one foot in front of the other, and even though some days I came home and dissolved into a puddle of grief, God was getting me through. Now that it has been almost five years since I have seen Lexi, the weight of the grief is lighter, and I know that I can still find meaning, purpose, and joy in life. 

One thing that has sparked my determination is the love that I have for Lexi. I ask myself, if Lexi were here, how would she want me to live? I can almost see her beside me saying, “Come on, Mom. You got this. Please be happy.” I know she would want me to push forward and try to find joy. She would absolutely hate it if she was the cause of my misery. 

And I want her life to count for something. I want to honor her with the way I live. I want to do things in her memory that make a difference in this world. I am thankful that I have been able to serve in the community of Hope is Alive in honor of Lexi. I have friends who make “pay it forward” cards, who organize special hikes, who leave extra tips at restaurants, who put together bags of food for the homeless, or who have created special displays in their homes in honor of their lost loved ones. I know people who are determined to educate others on addiction to help others escape this horrible disease. What was special to your loved one? What could you do in their honor? 

And as we go on, we can learn to use the love we have for the person we have lost and turn it into blessings. 

We can follow Peter’s words during the time of persecution of the early church. In the midst of our suffering, we can entrust our souls to our faithful Creator and strive to live lives pleasing to Him. 

Today’s Challenge:What have you done to honor your loved one with the time you have left on this earth? What will you do to keep their memory alive? These things may stir up a lot of emotions, but in the end they are so rewarding. 

Prayer:God, please give me the strength to keep running the race of life with courage and determination. Thank you for the beautiful memories I have of my loved one, and help me to find ways to keep those memories alive. Help me to use the love I have for them to bless others. Help me to continue to live a life that would make my loved one proud.